Hmmm... Very interesting and very captivating. At first, I thought it was about a birdhouse, until I got into it a bit. You have a great grasp of language and word usage, and you show it well. There were one or two I wondered if they were quite the word you intended, but mostly, I was very impressed. There were a few mechanics that need to be corrected, but again, not too many.
I'm assuming you did mean, Michigan and not Missouri, but there needs to be a comma after the state. And again, after Straddle Dr.
The terrace of the house stood 100 feet in the air? I'm having trouble picturing it. But, "monument-like" is hyphenated. And so on...
One of the words I wondered about is here, "hung the beautiful precarious girl." Not sure how she was "precarious."
I like the piece a lot, and I like your style of writing. Very enjoyable.
Hi Flowers24. Wow! It IS pretty dark, isn't it. There are a few grammatical errors, but the thing that bothered me the most -- in an already captivating story -- was the short sentences. For instance, there are 12 sentences in the first short graf. Could you combine some of them so the thoughts aren't broken. One example might be,
"Sarah is dead. It's been 10 days since she died, and I still can't believe she's gone. They say she committed suicide but I don't buy it. She was my best friend, and I knew her well. She was full of life -- smart, beautiful, funny and popular. Lots of girls were jealous of her so maybe some jealous bitch killed her. Sarah would never kill herself."
And just me, personally, I would hold,"I should know. I killed her." until the end and build up to that.
In the second graf, same thing: We had been best of friends since childhood but she never cared about me. 1st grade - she became the teachers' pet. 3rd grade - she beat me in a drawing competition. 5th grade - she beat me in a dance competition. 8th grade - she beat me in a debate competition. She had to beat me at everything. I was tired of being second best all the time. She got better grades than me. She was more beautiful than me. She was more popular than me. Boys always liked her more than me. It was as if I didn't exist.
Combine the first two sentences. Omit "And it went on and on." Strike "always," and use absolutes as little as possible. I changed the last sentence a bit. Try to make every sentence necessary. If it doesn't add to the story, just take it out so your story will have more punch.
I haven't marked the whole story, but those are examples and if you want more,I'll be happy to help. I think it's an incredible story and you have lots to work with to make it even more incredible. And I hope this helps just a little. I wouldn't even know how to start writing a story like this, so congratulations. And good luck. You have a great start.
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