Hi, Ghost,
Well, I'll tell you one thing, this was a wild ride from start to finish. This is just a perfect little idea you've got here, especially with a mother-lookalike coming back to screw with her son. The sentences were like slinkies, just motoring along. The sentence structure, the main and subordinating clauses were complex, descriptive, and flowing, with very easy-reading language. Outstanding work. I've got one comment on the opening paragraph. The first paragraph, in which it is disclosed what the name of the office is that Bryant rushes into, I think can be rewritten in such a way that the information can appear more naturally presented. Here's an example of what I mean:
Bryant Fontenot burst through the door panting and covered with sweat. The Office of Paranormal Investigation and Experimentation were located, coincidentally enough, on the 13th floor.
He's bursting through the door, and then some factual information is presented about the building, which seems to interrupt the action. Look at this as an example on how to weave the factual information into the characterization:
When Bryant Fontenot burst into the Office of Paranormal Investigation, Carol was sitting at her desk, waiting for her tea to cool. She glanced up just long enough to see that it was only Bryant, then she looked back down at her cup of tea and blew on it.
"We got problems!" Bryant said as he locked the door, then, wheeling in a half-turn, he looked wildly around the office. Carol looked up again, and now she noticed that Bryant's breath was coming in ragged pants, and sweat was pouring down his face.
"Why are you sweating?"
"I ran up all thirteen floors." He started running toward the couch. "Quick, Carol, help me push this in front of the door!"
You can see the idea. All of the information, including the difficulty of finding a building with a thirteenth floor, can be worked into the story, as part of the characterization. Notice here in this suggestion that the POV is Carol's, as it is her POV which takes over very soon in the scene. This was just to give you an idea of what I meant about bringing in the factual information more naturally. If you decide to rework that first paragraph, you will probably find yourself rewriting the next several paragraphs.
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In summary, there were two areas where I broke into a big smile. When I learned that the manifestation was Bryant's mother, and when she got all huffy with Carol, calling her a tramp. That's actually a very commonplace situation, but here it is presented in such a novel way. I enjoyed reading this alot.
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