The picture, is inspiring, isn't it.. & you've really done it justice! I could see this story in magazines, certainly! You should send it in to one or two!
This was a Great piece - really clever! And I think I want to be a robot - as they wear out, they are simply replaced - mind intact! What a great idea! ... and we are biologicals and very finite!
Why don't you turn this story into a longer one? It has the makings of a terrific book!
You certainly are a Rising Star and this story written for "Daily Flash Fiction Challenge" was very compelling. Your vivid outline of the hit-man was a great character depiction.
As I have already communicated to you, I really valued your item,
Great advice! Well structured and useful to both beginners and seasoned writers!
While all the points were helpful, I particularly liked point 10.
Don’t read the other entries for a prompt until after you have written your story. When I do this, I find myself getting discouraged. I think that I can’t write a story as good as the one that I just read. I also find it hard to come up with a story line completely unique now that I have read someone else’s take on the prompt.
Yes, I am getting to know your brother, he's very special too... you are both very lucky to have each other. You could put these dedications together to create a book with some photo's, it would be lovely!
Your writing is crisp and clear too, evocative and poignant. I love it.
" I told my brother to look up to the window where I saw her and he wasn't able to see her. I looked again and saw her waving to me. I don't know why she was waving at me. I just know I made a little friend that day."
Phew ! I really had to concentrate here! - 5 Goldies - - for being able to write this argument! I'm always interested in what people think on this subject.
I have to confess, I'm no intellectual, and I have a slim grasp on what you've said (as it was expressed in this item)
For my money, science is not perfect, and there are as many theories for or against anything (take the pro's & cons of certain foods) - science is a concept - devised by man to rationalise inexplicable phenomena (until it could be understood) - in my view, God is just another unexplained - or yet to be explained phenomena - The elusive wonder- and he's (at least!) 50 jumps ahead of us!
I'd start with either a narrative on how the characters came to be where they are (as your intro suggests major world changes after a war) or some written explanation either as dialogue or exciting expression of events.
Definitely continue with this story! - I will be happy to review further developments
What a delightful story! I'd like a copy of Rev. Gregory Patterson's “101 Ways: “To Fleece the Public at Church Fetes”. ... a Sky Dive entitled “Heaven to Hell in 50 seconds.” ?
Having watched the comings and goings of this section of neighborhood James knew everyone’s schedule that lived here. (who lived...)
Also, watch the the consistency of the size of your paragraphs -
Lying full under the blast of sunlight he saw nothing save two boys and a dog playing on the field. A crow flew from a tree branch, cawing into the piercing blue sky. Feeling suddenly vulnerable in the open he stood up. He grabbed the newspaper on the bench and headed across the field toward home. His light brown skin was full with the sun’s warmth and it eventually abated the chill. Walking across the field he watched as the chocolate brown Labrador jumped and caught the Frisbee in midair. The jubilant laughter of the two boys eased the moment from Jace’s memory. On the way home he settled on a peanut butter and banana sandwich for lunch and then a nap before work, the chill forgotten altogether.
This could be broken down into at least three paragraphs, as follows: (thereby making it easier for the reader)
Lying full under the blast of sunlight he saw nothing save two boys and a dog playing on the field. A crow flew from a tree branch, cawing into the piercing blue sky. Feeling suddenly vulnerable in the open he stood up. He grabbed the newspaper on the bench and headed across the field toward home.
His light brown skin was full with the sun’s warmth and it eventually abated the chill. Walking across the field he watched as the chocolate brown Labrador jumped and caught the Frisbee in midair. The jubilant laughter of the two boys eased the moment from Jace’s memory.
On the way home he settled on a peanut butter and banana sandwich for lunch and then a nap before work, the chill forgotten altogether. ... (and join up with the next paragraph here...)
The story itself, has loads of potential, so don't be discouraged! Keep writing!
Hello again Susie, the LV Transplant I just selected this story to review, and realised that you were the writer, here...
Do you mean 'failed' ?
I was only three when my brother failing sandbox and was required to repeat kindergarten.
and...
That was when and when I learned to read and write, at the tender age of three.
This was a very interesting story... I suspected the father and knowing women - especially this kind of woman, the stepmother's reaction to the heroine was 'highly identifiable' as resentment and 'relayed jealousy'.
I'm glad that the 'narrator' ended up well off in terms of self respect, achievement and ... lol.. better looks than her brother. Hail to the Heroine!
Also noted; there needs to be consistency with paragraph breaks - see below extract, which should have an extra spacing.
It was barely six AM and the damp chill crept into our bones. There weren't any fish in the lake either.
But this wasn't about warm sunny days.
... In the following sentence I would place a semi-colon where I've highlighted in bold.
There are several more pictures that have been added to my collection, but this is my favorite; it was the first.
These little things make the story appear more professional to the reader
I thought the story was had a a sincerity and allusive quality which I really enjoyed. Told through the old man's reminiscing style, his 'voice' was credible and engaging.
This was an interesting poll and MBTI ...quiz? It states that INF(J) types are only 2% of the population, however, your poll results show that there are equal amounts of people scoring in both this category and the one directly under it. Very Interesting.
I enjoyed taking the test- and finding the results,which also indicate likely career paths for each type.
Three lines to your Haiku expressing a beautiful, evocative little vignette.
I was once involved in a short story competition here which involved telling a story in 50 words exactly; your Haiku does portray a vivid picture for me.
One Query
Earth born zephyr blows
Did you mean...? (earth bound)
Etymology: Middle French bourne, from Old French bodne -- more at BOUND
1 : BOUNDARY, LIMIT
2 : GOAL, DESTINATION
...'Returning the cradle to its upright position he laid Connell within its' depths, and turned back to Treasa. He raised her limp, unconscious form from the floor, and laid her delicately upon the bed.
somewhat awkward use of words here A moan of discomfort issued from her mouth as she came to rest, but she did not rouse.
Well written; language used wellHe brushed her long red hair gently from her face. A pale blue bruise had already begun to swell above her left eye, and an inch long gash already beginning to coagulate was prominent on her soft, pale cheek.
Mostly, I find the story engaging, with occasional clumsiness of phrase or word which creates a jarring/lack of flow for the reader.
A slight tweak here and there and this story has commercial potential
Just a few lines to say that I will endeavour to read all chapters upto and including Chapter 6 so that I am able to see it all in context.
It would appear that Chapter One is done in the style of a third party narrator? I will need to read consequent chapters to see if any dialogue will be used.
I have read so much on Haiku and there is so much to understand - and so many articles have been written on it... yours is simple and sweet.
Three lines to state a warning to young lovers - so cleverly done!
Your poem captures the heart of both the Haiku and the Oriental philosophy of older, wiser members of the community remonstrating with, and admonishing their young.
Your lovely, whimsical story and poem reminded me of a book given to me by my son called The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein (1964)
Some complexity of expression makes the poem somewhat cryptic - I'm not sure if this is your intention?
I believe the introduction and poem are the reflections of a romance which did not reach its full potential.
It therefore expresses the regret and sadness of the writer well.
... However... alliteration (the repetition of usually initial consonant sounds in two or more neighboring words or syllables (as wild and woolly, threatening throngs) -- called also head rhyme, initial rhyme) ... should be used sparingly
"Though all our gifts of life were given, the gift of us
came round again in a dance; a dance of balance.
Touches missed, misses touched only by regrets not known.
Were you meant for me? Yes, you knew more than I. Still, I knew.
Knowing we knew what the live oaks know,
that time was ours no matter what or if, we vowed to stay.
A very neat, short story, and I really enjoyed it, however there are a couple two many however's in the first couple of paragraphs and I didn't particularly like the bold type all the way through the story.
The paragraph below is an example of some good descriptive pieces in the story ( BTW: old fashioned...)
The man indeed was the spitting image of Santa Claus from his white hair and beard to his still rotund body despite his severe malnutrition. Instead of the familiar red suit, he was dressed in shabby brown slacks and a red plaid shirt with worn shoes held together with duct tape. His old fashionfashioned wire-rimmed spectacles
A cute story ~ anyone who remembers their childhood and has since become a parent will appreciate in full this very short story about a little boy playing ball...
I wouldn't want to be Jerry, he is about to get into a lot of trouble!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/edmm
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.18 seconds at 4:12pm on Nov 24, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
This story is a 
- really clever! And I think I want to be a robot - as they wear out, they are simply replaced - mind intact! What a great idea! ... and we are biologicals 
and very finite! 
- there's a nice tempo to this piece - and I like the last line:
It was a great read and I thoroughly enjoyed it! 
I just selected this story to review, and realised that you were the writer, here...
and I didn't particularly like the bold type all the way through the story.