Hello!
I'm Early and I'll be reviewing your writing today as per your request. Thank you for your kind words about my reviews, and your interest! All of the contents of this review are personal opinion, so please do not take offense if there is something you don't agree with. Below you will find comments and suggestions, which I hope will be helpful to you in future revisions.
Title
You have two pieces of imagery in your title: tears and mist. These create a pleasing, yet melancholy juxtaposition because mist could be compared to the tears of the sky. There is also the description of being "misty eyed". While I do like this title, it doesn't quite hook me. I don't know if it is the length or word order. A Gathering of Mist and Tears is for some reason more effective for me, but that could just be preference/alter your meaning.
Beginning
Your beginning blew my hat off and I don't even wear one. Seriously, I can't even. It is so eerie, yet beautiful. Your descriptions are outstanding.
Plot
"...nobody knows we’re here.” I just don't buy this. How would two experienced climbers fail to notify anyone where they were going, especially in modern times? Why do neither of them have cellphones/ why did no one check the weather. These seem like simple but obvious plot holes to me that need explanation.
Characters
Your characterization is the one weak part of your storytelling. Sara and Mona were very flat and could be summed up as "the adventurous one" and "the slightly less adventurous one". For me, the best part of storytelling is character development. The characters at the end should have changed somehow from who they were at the beginning, and we should feel like we know them on some level. To me, these girls felt like interchangeable strangers who lived and then died. They were passive participants in the story.
“Look Sara. The feldspar and quartz crystals embedded in the granite have been liquefied, and then cooled rapidly.” This information needs to be prefaced by the fact that Mona is a student of Geology, otherwise, it doesn't ring true and pulls the reader out of the story.
"The femurs and tibiae were twice the size of terrestrial bipeds."-one of these girls is a student of geology, and one of astronomy. Seeing as neither have medical or archeological backgrounds, this level of detail seems out of place.
Style/Voice
I loved your use of imagery to create a chilling atmosphere. You do it expertly!
"...At least you'll be able to find me if I take the short way down."-this actually gave me a chill. Wonderful tension-building/foreshadowing!
One place I think yu could improve is your dialogue. It is used sparingly, and when used it doesn't really develop personality at all.
Setting/Imagery
I love all the climbing details, it is a huge draw for me as a reader. You definitely give the impression you know what you're talking about! Unfortunately, not being a climber, I can't offer any insight here. I do have a few questions. Do climbers really haul their own firewood? For some reason, this seems crazy to me. Wouldn't you have to haul an insane amount of wood? Also, do people still eat Spam?
Descriptions like "straight from hell, or from Frankenstein's cauldron" feel at odds with the rest of your writing, which is heavily fact-based. It also detracts from the authenticity and originality of your storytelling by borrowing from old imagery. You don't actually need those additions because your own descriptions are far superior and more detailed."
Grammar/Mechanics
Your writing is free of any major errors that I could find. See the line by line for typos and suggestions.
Ending
While I liked the addition of the alien creature's point of view, it seemed like there should have been more about its backstory included. I couldn't quite determine if it was capable of complex thought, or more on par with a wild creature.
Line by Line Suggestion
Soon, the radiant energy warms the surface, forming a white mist that moves in ghostly tendrils until at water's edge, it rises through the forested slope like damp smoke. This sentence caught my eye for two reasons: it has great imagery, it is overly complex. The second reason usually indicates a weak verb or two that aren't carrying their weight. I would suggest. "Soon, the radiant energy gathers a white mist on the surface, its ghostly tendrils rising through the forested slope like damp smoke."
It listens, head cocked, as mournful wails begin to eddy through the woodland, desolate cries that crescendo, then fade as they always do, as they always have...for they are cries that unerringly herald the morning light, and summon the evening dark. A sentence that can't be read out loud in a single breath without rushing is invariably too long. It listens, head cocked, as mournful wails begin to eddy through the woodland. The desolate cries crescendo, then fade as they always do, as they always have. They are cries that unerringly herald the morning light, and summon the evening dark.
The old Kingfisher I would only describe the Kingfisher as old in its first mention. Because there are no other Kingfishers around, it doesn't need to be pointed out again.
making the climb with a storm coming was not the smartest decision they'd ever done. making the climb with a storm coming was not the smartest decision they'd ever made.
Sara grimaced and kept silent, stifling the morbid connotations of her friend's comeback. I think you could cut "stifling the....". It is implied by Sara's grimace to some extent, and letting the reader infer it adds to the creepiness.
"You're the Geologist. Mona. I'm just an aspiring Astronomy student , but that thing certainly looks like an impact object." "You're the Geologist, Mona. I'm just an aspiring Astronomy student, but that thing certainly looks like an impact object."
Fearing nothing of the two-thousand-foot drop or the capability of the suspended shelf to hold her weight, You've already mentioned that Sara is fearless, so no need to point it out again, especially since you're showing it with her actions.
Not nearly as confident as her curious friend, but always game, Mona reluctantly crawled out on the slab Again, I'd recommend you show rather than tell and cut this to "Mona reluctantly crawled out on the slab.."
Adventurous Sara ducked under the ledge to investigate while Mona began to back away. Again, you are showing that Sara is adventurous, so no need to say it.
moving closer, getting louder. .... and it was getting closer. repititious
Mona's transfixed state of shock collapsed into a scream so piecing it made Sara cringe piercing
Overall Opinion }
This piece is truly creepy and extremely well-written with fantastic pace, imagery, tone, and structure. I was freaked out from the get-go, and sucked into the story almost immediately. The one thing that I think needs work is the characterization.
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