Well! That was quite a story. It had sci-fi, fantasy, and of course; sarcasm! which i love... It was a very unique sci-fi, quite an aberration from the normal sci-fi that I see. It incorporated very good vocabulary, and it was filled with a little bit of aesthetics, which is something I almost never see in sci-fi writing, but it could use more! I would love to see a sci-fi piece that has a sort of abstract and artistic beauty to it, instead of just, "starfox A quadrant alpha blows up subsection 4 b at #5 galactic intersection..." because it makes it more interesting to have description, a little bit of fantasy. Also, some of the names of things are cliche, come up with more interesting ones!
Might I say... wow! That was certainly an educational piece of writing, and though you probably won't revise it anymore, I'd like to give a few of my "newbie" suggestions, if you don't mind! It is my experience, that most long educational pieces of writing are "digested" better when theyhave a bit of... flair. In toher words, give life to otherwise dull sentences, otherwise people will see the whole piece as tedious and not read it. So instead of saying something like, "To view revisions do _____" say something more beautiful, interesting, or sarcastic like, "If you wish to view the long lines of meaningful advice that your fellow writer's have to say about you, which I'm sure you would, than________" See what I mean? You don't have to do much, just a little bit goes a long way. Hope this helps!
While reading this, something occured to me that was very... unorthodox. I realized that the rhyming seemed to take away from the piece itself; you focused too much on getting the rhyme out, and not enough on the great potential you had in your hands! I also noticed that the cadence was off, and it didn't flow smoothly; the rhyming took away more than it had given. Though I admire your ability to find a rhyme for everything, you should note that not all poetry needs to rhyme; and that, in fact, some pieces benefit from not having rhymes. I believe this is one of those pieces where the points can be expressed without rhyming, instead use cadence and rhythm to keep a more poetic sense. Hope this helps!
Well, let me begin with the things I find good about your prose. Firstly, it conatins very aesthetic and abstract thoughts underneath the words, and allows one to dream and imagine many things, and I like this free sense in a piece. There is also marvelous word choice for utmost description, and I love it! My only criticism is that I believe it needs more of a sense of cadence and rhythm, that will make the ideas flow easier through the reader's mind. Otherwise, it was indeed very excellent in every possible manner!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dylan92
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 6:16pm on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
