This works and I felt some of the emotion and drive through my read. I would like to have seen a little more, but it has a solid feel to it. Good wrap up. You showed a bit of the characters traits in the story as it went and you may want to try to mix in a little more of the uncertain, when you can, before stating the weakness in the end. The word weak felt strong and I think maybe a weak person would make an excuse here or there to alleviate the feeling and thoughts of being weak.
This needs a little work on flow and some grammar points, but does seem to read rather well. I suggest that you shorten any of the extras incorporated into this and get to the point with each action. Hang on to the vivid description and combine a few sentences, remove a few extra thoughts, and seperate the dialogue and monologue in here from the long description of what's happening. State what is immediate and the words spoken then use the other information as a new paragraph. I appreciated this story. I can see the changes from the first read. It is cofortable and is a piece I can recommend to other readers. Stop in and give some thoughts and a rating. Good luck with this.
Suggestions/Corrections
1) "Alpine, Utah(?) where in the heck was that?" I am not certain, but it feels like something, comma, should be here. You may want to investigate and make certain. It's not a read altering problem, just felt out of place.
2) "everyone had a friend that had pygmy goats." Since 'friend' relates to people, you should use 'who' here. A friend who or a truck that. Using objects and such is for 'that'.
3) "Yikes, had I been there as a patient. Heck, yeah, did I hate my time there? " These two feel odd in the read. I get it, but it seemed to stagger my read a bit.
4) "if I have to borrow $20 you'd then I don't need a goat. " I think you misswrote this sentence.
The author's attention to description and events is wonderful. I liked the whole idea of the story, but found myself wandering around as I was reading it. I'm not certain what changes may need to be made to grip a reader, but I feel that it needs something. The events and thoughts in this piece do not stagger, they are straight in line, and the depth of description gives the setting a great hold. The author holds on point, how the hound and goat were both gotten on the same day, but It closed withought any sort of hype or satisfaction on my part. I would have really enjoyed something in the end about them making friends, or the new owners satisfaction, new owners emotions, or something that added to my read. Good story and it travels well, but left me without any real connection.
These are only my thoughts and am only letting the author know how I felt about their work as a reader. It is written well, good time frame, and a wonderful descriptive edge to it. I feel that work needs to be done on what pulls at a reader. I wanted to enjoy this more and felt that it lack any real emotional pull for me. I wish you all the luck in the world and would be more than happy to rereview this if you do decide on any changes. I offer my thoughts to give you what you may need for your own improvement and am happy if you are helped. This author is a wonderful writer and should be read and reviewed. These things help us all and we all need them. Again, thanks for giving me the time to read your work and I appreciate the beautiful description in everything I looked at. Great work.
Wow. The description and attribution to perseption and reality was beautiful. I could see and enjoy all this. The answer af what was going on in thought at the end seemed a bit muddled, but after thinking on it, I believe you handled it just right. There aren't any major grammer errors and the story flows nicely. It is short and on point and I would have enjoyed a little more, but can see how it my be sensory overload to add anything on the outskirts of what is occuring to this. The author keeps the reader focused here a delivers a very lovely work. My only suggestion would be that something may be needed to grab the reader in the beginning. I loved the whole cloud seen, but wasn't just swept off my feet with any kind of hook. Not always a must as what is going on is enough to pull readers to the story. In the ADD world though, a quick grab might help this along.
These are only my thoughts and I can suggest this to any reader who wants to get a good, quick read in with some beautiful description and transference of thought. Great job.
I appreciate the introduction of tragedy in this piece.The author did a very nice job in hiding what was coming with all the excitement of the girl waking for spring break. It wasn't something that was overly predictable. Good work with that. The descriptions are great and I saw who Jen is and could see what her surroundings were. I would have liked to have seen some kind of reflection in how things looked to her before the tragedy and then how those same things looked after she finds out. That being said, the setting is handled nicely and I was comfortable with it.
I was happy with this story, but would've liked to see a bit more ragged pain in her actions. It felt a little bland. I heard what she was feeling, but didn't fully connect with the character and feel what she was feeling. This is a great idea and holds up well. I would be glad to drop in and rereview it if you do make any alterations. These tings are my thoughts as a writer and a reader and I would never tell anyone else they are musts. The happiness to tragedy to her own resolve in calling Mr. Duggan makes this work. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to stop in and pass along my thoughts.
Suggestions/Corrections
1) "Yeah, mom?" Mom needs to be capitalized here. It acts as a proper name. I am only aware of this ecause I was told over and over to do this until I finally looked it up and handled it. I thought I would let you know. It is the same with all terms addressing someone in a proper name setting: honey, dear, sweetheat, and such.
2) The story flows well, but you might want to use contractions in a few places to get it to feel a little less formal. It doesn't change the story any, just a readers ease with it. An example is "Jeff has been killed." Jeff's been killed. I am only making this suggestion to allow the reader to feel typical speech patterns and let it flow. It still works, but feels a bit more formal than it should with someone showing sorrow.
3) Maybe the dialogue and description beyond the immediate should be seperated. The dialogue runs well, but the long additions of descriptions of what was though and felt would stand better in a seperate paragraph. I realize, it is hard to do sometimes and I am completely guilty of doing it too.
Wow, a very power poem with some real darkness absorbed into it. It is easy for a reader to feel the emotions of the author here. I like how there isn't any fear of death, but that he is instead an instrument of peace and finality. We so often forget that such a place is welcome to so many of us at times in our lives. The author delivers a strong blow for the desires of passing beyond the mortal into a place where the pain and effort will be lifted from our shoulders. Very well done.
The final verse was my favorite. The rest of the poem sets the stage, with what he promises her, then he delivers the fact that he is her "Angel". The use of angel makes him soft, inviting, and absolutely correct. It is a powerful finality.
This was a very well written essay. I like the stance the author takes in delivering the words and all of the evidence presented in this piece. Something like this makes me want to read into the ACLU and see for myself what points of history are not included in this. On the surface, the points this author makes are very precise and come across as strict truth. Though that is often the case when one takes a specific side in an argument for or against something, certain facts are given in this that can certainly be tested by a reader. Good job in backing up your thoughts with, I assume, facts. Often time an author will become lost in the emotion of their own thoughts and not address the history of such things and what they mean. This author has given us researchable material.
This is easily understood. The author's passion comes through clearly and will make anyone think and investigate. I would have liked to have seen some actual things that have been won by the ACLU included in this with a description of how the victory will sway america along the proposed lines of the ACLU. There is some information here, but I think the piece would deliver something with more impact if a few of these things were presented to us. I see the idea, am concerned with what I read here, and intend to do some investigation of my own to develop this further in my own mind. Very good work here.
I really enjoyed this letter. The author asks some questions and gives the reasons for asking those questions. Writer's block as a loss of creativity. This is very well written and is something we all will get. What I liked most is the fact that creativity is being blamed. Creativity abandoned the author. I love that point. Way to take it to creativity.
I wasn't exactly sure what to think at first. I see where the author was going and understand the point made. I think it comes up a bit shallow, however. It may need a few more verses to really deliver this.
Overall: The poem is an easy read and has a steady rhythm that lasts all the way through. It is light on the point of the poem, or at least in a reader's mind. There is plenty to work with here and I think a little more will bring this to where the author wants it to be. Make us feel like loss is happening, take hold of us and work your magic.
I think this would be a nice start to a series of stories. I can see the potential in developing this into something with a longer range. You have two solid charcaters, though we need a better description of them so the image locks in, and you have a real crisis to be overcome. It may work better as a mini novel, but this is something I would be interesting in seeing extended. We need a greater impact as to the previous relationship or relationships and you may want to develop a hook to pull the reader in quickly. The dialogue feels real and these are two people a reader can associate with.
After reading this item's description, I was a little disappointed with the content. I wanted the flashbacks to drop on me; have some show of attack. It isn't here. There is room for it to be worked in and I think it is needed. As a reader, I want to see how the flashback pops up, why it pops up, and I need to see something more dramatic in it being there to deliver it as an attack. This is very promising, but I think it needs something more. This author has a good hand at drawing on feelings and if such was included in this, it will become something very strong. It is on the edges of what it can be and I wish you luck in getting it there. I will glasdly rereview this if you do any editting. There is some real promise here.
I am reviewing this strictly on its appeal to me personally. Sure, it will be fluff, but from my point of view, I only have good things to say. The poem read well to me. I could see the person behind the words wanting to find their 'one'. All the aspects of one's self are included here; all the adjectives that describe us as we are beneath the surface. I could feel this and could see the need for this love. I was impressed with this poem and enjoyed the sense of what the 'one' is to this author. Great work.
I hope you do not mind, but I have included a link to this poem in my own file "My collection of authors on WDC. Poetry" I can honestly recommend this poem to others on WDC. Stop in, give it a read, and send the author a review. This is a nice poem of what someone is waiting for.
I really liked the feel of this poem. The description of this first dance is wonderful. The author choses words that add to the images and give it such an accomplished feel. Just starting the dance is the real dance. The realization that she can dance holds such truth.
I really enjoyed reading this. It shows us someone being pushed to make others happy, losing who she really is if she does so. It reads as a moment of insecurity, the fact that she is thinking the thoughts, but then she takes firm hold of herself and clearly states that she is herself. Very nicely handled.
Overall: The poem is smooth, with strong lines and concise verses that weave who she could be against who she is. The idea is handled nicely. There is nothing over the top to throw the reader off. It is simple and on point. The poem has strength of charcater. It shows us that she can remain who she is and not be forced to bend to the will of others. The lines struggled in a few spots, but it only leads to the feeling of uncertainty that the poem is delivering for a moment. It is beneficial to the poem in that respect. A very good piece for being you.
I like where you are trying to go, but the poem juggles too much for the reader to really grab hold of. I see some potential here that you could tap into to let your feelings show a bitmore subtly and with the same intensity.
Overall: The author delivers something that is powerful. It comes across a little too giggly to really bring out the sense of it properly. The lines are crisp and create three verses that show us the author's emotional feelings. The love expressed here is playful. I think the playful aspect can work in this with some strengthening of the word usage. There is something great here, but its just under the surface. Good that the feelings come through so clear and I enjoyed what is there. My belief is that poetry is for the one writing it. The reviews here are only opinon and should be taken as such. I think this needs some work, but will become something really nice if that effort is taken. Good luck.
Wonderful folder of this author's poems. I enjoyed everything I read in this folder and thisnk this was an excellent setup for this author to display her work. As I rate all folders that keep their contents to what the description says they are, this gets a perfect rating. It is the folder and its contents that I am judging here and can say, without any doubt, that this author delivered very well with this collection. It was a pleasure to have stopped in and to have read all the poems I found here.
I like the thought here and was impressed with the author's choices of what was included. The poems flow juggles somewhat. I am thinking that it is in some of the rhyming that occurs. I take nothing away from this great author, but I felt this came across a bit lighter than is intended. I see the potential this poem holds. There is such powerful feelings behind this and this author is good at delivering her thoughts in a decisive manner.
Of all the pieces I have read today from this author, this one is the most sensitive in my opinion. It leads to personal thoughts that allow what the author is feeling to cloud in my eyes. I see everyting here: love, loss, lonliness, hopelessness, and the dark struggle of life. The author gives us something here that hurts. This is a very powerful poem. Easily read and understood, but delivered with such a soft strength that it is alarming. I can honestly recommend this to anyone wanting to read something written through the heart, for all its ups and downs. Great poem.
This poem is such a testament to love. The sadness in the words is clear, but there is so much beyond just that. With the author's words, I see the love held in her. The feeling is so very clear and stand out with the memories.
Overall: The poem reads very well. It is nicely written and delivers such a strong sense of love, sorrow, and one missing another so very much. The author shows us these things in well constructed lines and verses. The read is somber, but actually has an uplifting spirit. True, the loss weaves through this piece, but the memories and the love shine brighter than the pain. Not that the pain isn't overwhelming. I just felt the memory and the love expressed here cast a shadow of sorts over the pain.
The misery stings this poem. I could feel what the author was experiencing, shown to me with very direct vrses. As I read through this I got a sense of the author's impending doom. The fact that she waits for its delivery is heart wrenching.
Overall: The poem has a steady, sad feeling to it that actually seemed calming by the time I was finished reading it. The pain, always there, sits upon the author and drains hope and happiness away from her. The final two lines "And I'm still waiting To be the next one" make this poem stick in the reader's thoughts. They give this piece an ending that will truly be an ending.
This poem has a very powerful emotional aspect to it. I am not sure if the deeper feelings were too hard to include withing this lines, but the poem only seems to touch the surface and leaves the reader unable to fully connect with the author's pain.
Overall: The poem delivers an extremely damaging feeling. It is something many of us know of and we can feel for the author when reading this. The lines are easy to follow and the verses deliver the thoughts well. The rhythm of the poem comes off a bit jagged and the flows stutters a bit because of it. I very much like how the author includes a whole year of "October Rain". It reflects on the day, but the emotion and loss carry through the year. This was a solid point in the poem that rings with such truth.
Wow, this was a very well delivered poem. We often times rate things higher when they are based on real life emotion, but my rating was simply in the poems appeal to me personally.
Overall: The poem is precise, delivering the author's emotions in strong lines that many of us can truly associate with. The feeling that this crosses all our lives in one way or anothr makes this such a great read. The poem is smooth and brings the author's feelings to a head in such a beautiful way. The last two lines made this poem fully stick in my thoughts.
I hope you don't mind, but I have included a link to your poem in my owl file "My collection of authors on WDC. Shorts". If there is any problem, please let me know and I will remove it.
I really liked this poem. The author delivers the feeling very well in this. The title works and I was glad to see that the poem stuck to how you named it.
Overall: The darkness comes through with strong lines and decisive verses. The flow is consistent throughout the entire piece and this is easily read with a consistent rhythm. The author lends us the sense of this dream: the evil, the struggle, the darkness, and a feel of lonliness. The lines weave an image in the reader's thoughts that delivers this fight. It is very well written. There are no over the top statements that take away from the poem and the words remain simple and easy to understand.
My favorite--"feels muggy yet dry." There are some very good lines in this, but this one just had such a feeling to it. I like the contradiction in the muggy and the dry. Good description of the perceived environment.
The story has a very nice feel to it. Good movement with the dialogue, though maybe too much direction from the author about the actions of characters as they speak. Probably just needs to be tweaked a bit. I am glad that the author delivers this story through the two women, Angela and Val. The end was a nice touch with the cameraman and all the guest statements. My favorite was 'the bimbo'. I kinda of saw it coming, but it still made me smile in appreciation.
Overall: The story is well written. There are a few touches beyond what I have listed that need some alteration, but nothing the author won't adjust in any edit. The story is something most of us can associate with in one form or another. It felt true, not anything that was way over the top. The author makes powerful use of trust issues to deliver a story that is really satisfying. The story develops right on point and has a crisis that provides enough tension to force a reader to want the answer to what is going on behind the scenes. Nice surprise, by the way. My rating is mostly on the story's appeal to me personally. It needs a little work in making the sentences travel better and a few small things, but nothing that takes away from a pleasurable read. This was very good and looks to be promising.
Suggestions/Corrections
1) "Her neighbors(,) Mike and Carol(,) had just stepped into that world." There should be commas here.
2) "We've worked together for about three years now(, we’ve) become pretty close friends," she said as she shook Angela's hand." I think it might be better if this were a period and 'we've" starts a sentence. Maybe just "She shook Angela's hand" too. Just a thought to remove words that don't feel like they must be there.
3) "Carol has been after Mike to get married for years(,) but he always had excuses(:)...'Not until I finish law school" A comma here and I think this should be a colon with the excuses following after. You may want to check that.
4) There were a few places where you went from present to past tense. Not a real big deal, but it juggles the feel just a bit. I only noticed because it is something that I am often guilty of myself.
This was a very well written story. The setting comes through clear and the mental makeups of the characters hold up through the story. I would have like a better physical description. There is a little, but I couldn't get a good enough image as I read. I think the story needed some more tension in it that it has. I was wondering how he would avoid being caught or if he would, but there didn't seem to be enough instances to drive the crisis that comes about near the end. The man and woman thing reads nicely. I like the interaction you develop between the two. What is going on isn't hidden, but I was caught offguard by the end. Good joice in the liscence plates. I laughed.
This story still has some untapped potential. I wanted to be caught up in what was going on, but didn't feel like I had to worry or figure anything out. It is nearly where it should be. This is opinion only and I wish you luck with the story.
Escellent story. I am rating and reviewing this strictly on its appeal to me. The two main characters were great and the tension between them plays through the whole short. Starting with the crisis served this piece very well. I enjoyed discovering what exactly was going on. You made Judd a very strong character, despite the fact that he is a habitual loser. This story moves well and has enough points of tension to keep the reader's interest.
I can recommend this to any on the site wishing to get a good look at something very enjoyable.
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