Very interesting little story here. One that I think could be told in a variety of ways. I thought of little pictures all forming one big puzzle. I think as you arrange all these little pieces, you may find several different pictures. Like what if you started with the tree line shot, but quickly moved to the scene outside of the bar and interchanged scenes quickly.
The writing was good, but you, like I do often, walk the line of overwriting with the occasional tell-tale sign of wordiness. The taking the step followed by the (shuffling of my feet) part, is wordy. Try, "I shuffled forward into the bank, the tips of my toes numb, feeling maybe forever gone."
Another example, "I looked up the road in the direction I was going till the scene..."
Why not, "I looked up the road, imaging my future footprints in the snow.."
Another part, "I tried to calculate..."
Why not "I calculate.."
I like the part of "Absolute silence. Absolute aloneness." But, "Absolute solitude" May give more rhythm to the section.
Overall, I really liked this. The only thing I wondered about is some of the diction coming from an 8-year old. May want to change point of view.
I found this to be an ambitious idea with a lot of potential and some good writing.
I am thinking the first two paragraphs are not necessary. I think jumping right into the action of the crow puts the reader straight into the story without giving away too much either. You can always interject Whitsle's profession into thoughts or comments that are more subtle than the bluntness of the first two paragraphs.
I was a bit confused with "Mr. B" showed up and then the ghost was named as Mr. Reyes. It took me a minute to sort out who was who. The action of the scene was a bit confusing also. It clear by the ending, but it did make me hesitate. You also call Mr. B "a tall person" and "a tall man" within a couple lines. Neither is really all that descriptive and twice is redundant. Maybe a slender, pale man that loomed a head above Whistles. Or something like that.
"thru" is the informal spelling of "through". I am not sure if that is what you were going for here.
I not sure if this is for a contest or anything, so I am not sure if you are working with word constraints. The idea is strong. The sense of being pummeled in the darkness, berated.
The execution was hindered by a tense problem. The first paragraph starts in present, then abruptly shifts to past. Are you telling this story or retelling it? That's the question I ask when I do this in my writing.
Also don't underestimate the visual effects of texts. Three long paragraph hinder this story. Especially when you have a phras like "Time slowed down."
Maybe something like this. ...
Time slows.
"Hahahahahahahah!"
"Who's there?"
Around me, they appear. Large, tall, short, fat, strong. Faces contorted in menacing pleasure.
KIcking, hitting, screaming, laughing giggling... I feel nothing. Somewhere in the pricks of their taunts, my skin went numb.
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