What I liked: I think this story has potential. It reminded me of a Netflix show I binge-watched called "I Shouldn't Be Alive." I love survivor stories like this one.
Suggestions: This needs some proofreading. For example, "Alexis hiked these mountain," and "she saw her father shaking his head at her in disappoint."
I didn't really find the story very believable. Why did an experienced solo hiker not let anyone know where she was going or at least bring her cell phone? That's solo hiking 101. Why did she decide to climb to the top when she could have simply called for help at the bottom of the hole? The hikers at the top would have heard her. Perhaps I'm missing the point, but climbing 60 ft with a broken leg, no safety gear, and with no rock climbing experience is impossible. Even if I could suspend my disbelief, the end seems very anticlimactic. It basically ends with "And then she decided to climb out and she was fine." Show her struggle. Let us feel the rocks she's grabbing and see her tears from the dirt in her eyes. Describe her legs protesting the climb.
Other thoughts: If this were my story, I would focus more on the climb itself. I would also make the story more believable by doing things like giving the character some rock climbing experience, or make the cliff less than 60 feet. This story has a great premise and a great feel-good message.
What I liked: This is a cute story that feels like it could be true. Modern day things are mentioned like COVID, and Tinder and that helps set it in reality. The characters are believable.
Suggestions: I got confused as a reader when you started off with present tense and switched to past tense. There was also a moment when Michael starts speaking that I didn't realize he was speaking at first. I believe you are missing quotation marks. I think a lot of the backstory could be revealed in the scene at the BINGO place itself. Have Anna make conversation with Gigi..."Isn't it a shame they closed the Naples Bingo Hall?" or "Thank you again for ordering these matching bingo jumpsuits and matching earrings!" Dialogue helps keep things in the moment while simultaneously delivering the needed backstory.
Other thoughts: "Mi amor" from Michael seems a little forward from him, although I don't know how many of your readers would pick up on that if they don't know Spanish at all. Bilingual characters are often a challenge! Also, for some reason as a reader, I really want Gigi to approve of Michael. A nod or wink or something would go a long way. I also don't quite buy that Michael would immediately confess to hating BINGO if he were trying to flirt with a woman wearing a BINGO jumpsuit and earrings. I do think it's cute that they both secretly hate BINGO, and I think it's even cuter that she's a Spanish teacher and he's obviously Spanish-speaking.
What I liked: This story kept my attention. You have a nice writing style and the pace was good. Both characters are complex and interesting and you left me wanting to know more about them and where their relationship would lead. You are definitely a writer.
Suggestions: A couple of points I didn't think quite lined up with my experiences of the world... Deborah seems to be very successful person, but I assume the "familiar male voice" is her father and he chides her for making excuses. Successful people don't normally do this, and typically they have a stable home life growing up. (There are exceptions to this of course). I found it interesting that Chad's mother also found him disappointing, and as a reader I thought she was crazy because Chad seems like a real gem.
Also, I don't know many women who would willingly meet a guy at their house for a first date, especially when you've only met online. Most women prefer to meet somewhere public in case he makes us uncomfortable. It's also pretty common to let a friend know where you're going and who you're with and have some sort of escape plan in case he turns out to be a creep.
Other thoughts: I wondered what Chad would think of the fact that he was her third date from the site. Obviously the algorithm isn't perfect, and Chad being a perfectionist I would think that wouldn't sit well with him...although he does mention that dating is a gamble and some "losers" would be expected. Plus one of her dates lied about his job and education. Was Deborah his first date on the site? If it's the world's most successful algorithm, why did he wait so long to try it out? Why now?
I loved that Chad likes "to take things that are broken and make them whole again" and it made me think that he was going to do that with Deborah herself?
I would love to read more about these two characters if you made it into a longer work.
I enjoyed this short story and it's an interesting idea that the art supplies have the powers to know how much the artist loves someone. I would say I didn't completely buy that Grandma was the only person she couldn't draw. Surely there would be other people that she would feel indebted to/loved a lot.
I thought crayons were an interesting medium choice for a professional artist. I associate crayons with children's art. I also keep wondering why it was the blue crayon that broke first. Was there symbolism in the color chosen? Overall, I thought this was a lovely story and it kept my attention. Thank you for your work.
I'm not sure if this is supposed to be a short story, or more of a poem. Or perhaps a monologe for a play? I do like the message at the end. I wonder how animals view themselves and if they can appreciate the beauty of other animals or themselves. It probably depends on the species and its level of intelligence. This piece also touches on but doesn't quite delve into the morality of animals in captivity, which can be a controversial topic. I think you could work on character development here, maybe have the main character work at the zoo and add some dialouge or other characters to interact with? There's not much of a character arch here, mostly just observations and some thoughts. Which may have been what you were going for anyways. Regardless, I did enjoy reading. Your descriptions of the aquarium are colorful and picturesque. Thank you for entertaining.
This was sweet, especially knowing from your note that it was a true story.
I did notice a couple of grammatical/sentence structure errors. "I can’t wait until I have my baby is in my arms," and " If I have to, I’ll deliver our baby ourselves."
The only point plot-wise that confused me even though it's a true story is how Emma was able to leave just fine despite the snow, but Emil & Martha couldn't leave at the same time even with a pick-up truck.
Other than those few things, this is fairly well-written. I enjoyed the heartwarming quaintness of it and the kindness of the neighbors reminded me of my own small town. I have no doubt they would do the same for us.
There's a lot going on here. You could expand whole sentences into scenes and make it into a much longer piece, but it reads more like a children's story. The vocabulary is advanced for a children's book.
I noticed that the verb agreement is inconsistent. The story starts off with present tense and halfway through, switches to past tense. There are sentences that are unclear. For example, "He also possessed a power of control which not all of Mittens powers could against him." Some word choices are awkward. For example, "he had also used some painful experiments on them." I've never heard anyone say they "used" an experiment. I've heard people say they conducted experiments, however. "
I have questions about the plot, also. I'm also confused about why Mr. Millers would weaken when an antidote spilled on him. Antidotes are for poisons. Is Mr. Miller himself a poison? Why would he leave the antidote lying around if he didn't want the animals to use it? Did the antidotes give the other animals Bobby and Hansel powers? If so, that's much more than an antidote.
How did Martina find the animals at the end? Did she discover the animal's powers? Did she know Mr. Miller?
I did enjoy the overall quaint feel, as well as the happy ending.
This was pretty entertaining. I'm not sure if I found a real human skull in my deceased father's house that I would shrug it off and think no more of it, especially bizarrely connected to mechanical gadgets! The story implies that her father was an inventor as well as a collector, since it was her dad's voice that spoke out of the contraption and there was real treasure located at her family cottage.
The questions I'm left with as a reader is why her dad chose to speak only to her, when he had an opportunity to give both of his children the riddle when they were together? Was there some sort of estranged relationship there between father and son? If so, why was the son there helping clear out the house? Did her dad know that she would choose not to share the treasure?
I liked how she chose not to share the treasure at the end, I found that oddly charming, like Jack Sparrow. Were the gold coins her dad's coin collection? Lots of collectors of things choose to collect coins. Were they cursed somehow?
A fascinating take on a well-known story. This completely removes the shame that is the theme of the real biblical story, and the punishments that came along with their actions, such as pain during childbearing and having to farm the land. Instead, the story spins a more positive light in saying that they were no longer lazy. Ironic, since laziness is considered a sin.
Indeed, people are still debating why the old man wants to keep us ignorant. Or if he even ever did. All the questions that Adam and Eve asked are still questions people ask today. I would say the magic mirror only provided questions, and never answers. Great job!
Interesting piece! I read it several times to make sure I understood it. I was a little curious as to what the new exhibit was that he went to see in the first place, since The Ranch seemed to be a piece very familiar to him. I would also say that the story would benefit from varying the sentence structure more, as almost every sentence in the latter half begins with "I" followed by your verb.
The changing painting is interesting. Is it a magic painting or was he imagining it? After reading it several times, I think the moving picture scenes are correlating to the character's internal feelings towards losing his father. How recent was his father's death? It's interesting that the character recently moved to the suburbs, when he dreamed as a boy of moving to a ranch. I also wonder about the artist of The Ranch and if he/she was close to the main character in any way, or if the other paintings by the same artist were also magic? I realize that this was written as a short story, and I think a lot of these questions could be answered by expanding the piece. I would love to read more about this character, so you do a nice job of leaving your reader with the desire to keep reading. Thank you for your work!
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