Total honesty time: no, this start would not prompt me to read on, but that's mainly because it's not my type of tale. It's all very angst-ridden over nothing much. I'm a simple soul and nothing blew up, was stolen or died and I was left with no question i needed to answer in this first passage in order to drag me on further. That said, it's well written in that I shared Jonathon's restlessness and discomfort with the conversation. So I consider this to be a successful piece, just not my cup of tea.
It seems somewhat pedestrian to me, but maybe that's the point and I'm too thick to realise. It lacks any compelling conflict - everyone is just too happy to help a stranger that doesn't even know her own name - perhaps she could have experienced being ripped off and being 'rescued' by Sarah or Yuki? I really liked the description of the experience of the suicide (Only, how can she report it to us if she has amnesia?). I only spotted one spelling mistake: “Maya, you’re pants.” was presumably meant to be "Maya, your pants." as otherwise Yuki is being fairly derogatory. ;) There's also what I believe is a grammatical error when she wakes up: "...my supposed clothes were in a neat pile...". Are they 'supposed clothes'? Or are they 'supposedly her clothes'? I also uspect that it's more of a presumption than a supposition and so believe that a better line would have been, "...some clothes, presumably mine, were in a neat pile...", but I'm no language professor. :) On the whole, I like it and am intrigued enough in her fate to want to read on.
Very good. The characters (with the exception of Nelson Stewert) leap of the page and I can't help but thoroughly dislike the pathetic figure of Gertie. I did find the last part slightly slow for a short story, but not overly so and it certainly has me wanting to read on.
Very good. The characterisations come across well (although I would have hoped for a better retort from Malchior than "Yeah, whatever."). The plot moves along at a cracking pace and there's plenty to pull the reader along, with intrigue and the promise of much more to come. How long a story is this intended to be?
I like the first person chatty style, although the tone of it seems incongruous with the position of authority that James now holds. There are a few minor spelling mistakes Briton vice Britain and Capitals vice Capitol's but I liked it enough to move on through the following chapters.
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