Thanks for your poem "I want Back My Yesterday." I enjoyed reading it very much.
I liked your ending "...a society where everyone can be truly happy." I wonder if that might not be a sort of beginning note also. What I mean is, if you were to start out with something like "I wish for/desire/hope/etc for a society where everyone can be truly happy." This allows you to echo the premise of your poem at the beginning and the end, thus reinforcing your theme.
I wonder if what you really wish for is "yesteryear" or if what you really want is for everyone to be happy...or both?
I rated you a 3.5 and here's why. I enjoyed the poem, but I feel that a few more lines might really add some punch.
While I read, I wanted to visualize the setting(s) of your poem more thoroughly. I would have liked a tip(s) of the geographical location you had in mind. While your writing is quite interesting, I found myself only able to get a Beaver Cleaver kind of picture in my mind. If this is the mid-west, the West Coast, Mexico, New England, the deep South, (all of which contain the items mentioned in the peom) I might have felt more "connected" with what you wrote. Or possibly, you want the reader to reach back into his/her own memories for a specific time and/or place in which to consider your writing...Is that closer to your intent?
I just re-read my last few sentences a few times and I can't find a better way to say what I mean. I suppose a mention of a cool breeze off the ocean, or looking over a mountain range, or visiting with neighbors in a regular Nebraska town, might make this story more poignant for me. Of course, that's just my opinion.
I appreciate your reaching out to anyone who has fond memories of growing up, of grandparents, of hanging out in the neighborhood with a group of friends, but I suppose I'm saying that this poem is just a bit too generic. With a few more lines to set the scene, your themes might be driven home more fully.
Mechanics-wise, your writing seems terrific. I found no grammar issues, and your "flow" seemed to carry on quite well (and quite consistently) throughout the entire piece.
The only other issue I might bring up is the looking back on only the "best" things in the past. We all know that lots of bad things happened back then, but with less media coverage, no internet, and a less enlighted-society, our population didn't know so very much about the dark corners of our country and the people that suffered alone. On a personal note, my mom wasn't the best cook ever! <grin>
What makes me think of this has much to do with your WDC handle, Huckfinn65. I just heard an interview with John Clinch about his recently published book "Finn." Mr. Clinch has written the back story on Huck Finn's family, his mother, and Huck's father, "Finn." This is a rather dark story that seeks to explain Huck and his life with Tom Sawyer. I haven't read it, but am hoping to soon. The NPR interview also included a Mark Twain Literary specialist in the story, she highly approved of the book and Mr. Clinch's further development of the Finns as being deeply reflective of all that Mr. Twain wrote before. You might enjoy the book!
I wrote something rather nostalgic with similar themes, about my growing up and wishes that my children could enjoy environments similar to what I experienced as a child. I would appreciate it if you could take a moment to read and reply to me about it. It's named "Irish Need Not Apply"; the title is explained in the short story. I'm probably going to go back and make it a big less preachy. As you and I seem to be pondering similar themes, I'd love your take on what I wrote.
Thank you again for sharing "I Want Back My Yesterday." |
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