A RAOK UPGRADE BRIGADE REVIEW
Hello scobin ! I'm Breaker~A Vigilante Ranger~ . I'm here to review your piece "TALL Ladder..." which I came across it in "Please Review" . Please remember that my review is just my opinion, so feel free to take my point that worthy and leave the rest.
COMMENT:
As my view is differ from yours in viewing a girl, I may or may not agree with your unique thought about it. The good thing here is that I'm now exploring your sentiment on the subject you came up with.
Although, I notice that most of the lines in your piece were stable on a syllable count of 5 and 6 syllables. The shortest syllable is 3 as in line 20 and the longest syllable is 11 as in line 7. Maybe you could use just 5 and 6 syllables throughout the poem to avoid wordy and to make the lines unvarying.
Just one question to ask, is this a verse of a rap lyric or sort of?
FLOW:
The content is good but my reading doesn't flow well as the poem, mostly, doesn't rhyme. I'm interested in rhyme and I found myself enjoying reading a poem when it really rhymes because it add a good taste to the rhythm.
Example of the lines that rhyme:
Uncontrollably fierce
all it does is pierce
I have a telephone
You have a cell phone
You enjoy pop, well I enjoy rock
I think thats a lock
Its time to play
That time of day
The rest of the lines in the poem doesn't rhyme.
For example:
Why should it matter,
oh thats right I forgot you enjoy ladders
I think words that rhyme with the word matter are ratter, attar, batter, hatter, scatter, flatter, platter and much more.
Anyway, I wanted to share with you an elaborated definition of rhyme which I think it worth a share for your savvy.
Rhyme, the correspondence of two or more words with similar-sounding final syllables placed so as to echo one another. Rhyme is used by poets and occasionally by prose writers to produce sounds appealing to the reader’s senses and to unify and establish a poem’s stanzaic form. End rhyme (i.e., rhyme used at the end of a line to echo the end of another line) is most common. (source:http://www.britannica.com/EBchecked/topic/501834/rhyme)
For more info about rhyme see " Rhymes - More Information" by Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h .
FAVORITE LINE(S):
All the lines that rhyme, I set for you above, I preferment as they sound good to me.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I detect several errors here so I'll highlight them below for your consideration.
I think the word thats in line 7 and 9 should be that's. Also, in line 12 the word, yous should be you've, I suppose. Another word to consider is, Jk. What's that mean--joke?
SUGGESTED IMPROVEMENT:
I believe it's better not to question the reader with such confusion words or phrases so a footnote to any ill-defined words should be provided for clarification.
Also, several poetic devices could make a poem surpass, so I suggest you to add various poetic devices to to your poem. For info about that see "Terminology and Resources" by Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h .
As always, proofreading should be taken into account before sharing your work. Here, I remind you of that so that your piece could always stand out.
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