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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/duhhfactor
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168 Public Reviews Given
170 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I'm a no nonsense reviewer. I give my honest opinion. I look for flow, plot holes, and other various creative issues. I am taking creative writing classes right now, so my style will change as I go through these classes.
I'm good at...
Looking at details, descriptions, flow, plot, and overall opinion.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Erotica, and paranormal, I am also open to others that are not on my least favorite genre list.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, poetry, children's pieces, horror
I will not review...
romance, poetry, children's pieces, or horror.
Public Reviews
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Review of ESCAPE  Open in new Window.
Review by Goblin Slayer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
That's a GREAT story! I was highly impressed. You're a new writer you say? Coulda' fooled me. Good job.
Now, the only part that was a little confusing was when you went from the prison book to looking out the field with the barn. There was no segue. I think sowing a little more of his good luck leading to the outside would have been better. But that's just my opinion. Otherwise, very good story. I especially liked how you went from his brains being splattered all over the table to her on the phone. That was very good. I've wanted to try to pull that off in my own writings once or twice and it just didn't flow well like yours did.
One other thing you can do. When you go to post it, look down at your options under what you posted and look for the spacing box. It will give you an option to double space paragraphs. That would be helpful to readers. Someone told me about that option after I had posted several stories and chapters. It just helps your readers read it a little more smoothly. It will also get more readers and reviewers. I noticed that when posting my stuff.
This usually isn't my genre, if you want to see some of my stories go to my port and you'll see the types of things I write, but I did like this story. It seems like it was for a contest maybe? Anyway, keep writing. I think you have some natural talent.
Thank you for inviting me into your world, (and brain). I write books, I found a steady reviewer of my stuff. If you would like me to be a beta reader for some of your works let me know but first look at my portal and see if I would be a good fit for you. I look forward to reading more of your stuff.
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Review by Goblin Slayer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow, this is a long chapter, good job. That is about as long as my normal chapters. I am reading through this first part and came up with this confusing little detail;

"Then a loud squeak echoes throughout the sky as the shadow of a Mid-August eagle overtakes the field and lands behind the Captain. Equipped with a brown leather saddle, a leather masks covered the eagle’s yellow beak with straps that connected with the saddle. Sitting below the bird’s beak, were two long wooden rods with round wooden bulbs at the tip. Releasing her grasp of the iron rods on the side of the saddles the human-morphed harpy rises from her riding position and pulled a rope holding a large bulky sack. The sack keels over and hits the grass spilling glowing blue crystal cylinders. One rolled near Drake’s feet and he kneels and picks one up."
Are the rods wooden or iron? My guess would be iron but I'm not sure on that little detail.

This is another sentence I don't understand; "The group squats around the pile of crystals and bag the rods in sacks while peer inside."

There are a lot of misspelled words things like writing "A" instead of "at" and oppsies on tenses like he says, and then a sentence later you say said, things of that nature, nothing a good edit won't fix.

“Come get your annoying husband, If he pesters me about you one more time I’ll gouge out my ears and dive this bird straight into the ocean.”
I like the comradery and sense of humor you were able to instill in this part, that was a very humorous line in a very tense situation. I just got to the next part and your fight scene is going very well.

I like you bringing Maria into the fray and defending Greenpeace is a good cause. Way to reintroduce Kevin.

Splish splash, Cody and Drake take a bath!

As I said earlier there are a lot of simple mistakes here. I can tell you wrote this all at once. It's excellent! The whole chapter was very engaging. It was also very tense to anyone who has read even any part of this, or book one. Is this the end of book two? You will have to send me stuff for book three when you start it. I need to find out what happened! You will definitely keep your readers engaged with this chapter alone, let alone the whole book itself.

Other than the small misspellings and word tenses and stuff like that. It all went very smoothly. The dialog was great and the commands given were spot on. Although the last dragon that appeared seemed like it is powerful enough to take on the Avian's island all by himself.

I definitely like the way you sent in reinforcements that was a relief. But how did they fare protecting Greenpeace? I would very much like to see the plan they come up with to kill this new dragon. But why would crushing a single wall awaken that beast? I would think that if the dragons were threatened with extinction by another race that that would be a reason to awaken the dragon.
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for entry "Final Preparations" Open in new Window.
Review by Goblin Slayer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Sorry this took too long Octavius Author Icon. I like your first section, for the most part, it was clear and to the point not to mention well crafted. There were a lot of spelling mistakes, but I know you're going to fix all that. The dialog rolled along quite nicely. But I was just curious, the instructor said that Drake should fly with Cody then told him to take a break while they trained. one other thing that's on my mind is that I thought in one of the other chapters, maybe even in the last book, Drake learned how to fly on an eagle of his own. I seem to remember being trained on that. So why would he feel so nauseous when even just watching them makes him sick to his stomach. And where is his eagle?.

Your second section was very strong and to the point. It sounded like a definite professional was writing it. Great job with this one! I didn't see one thing wrong with it. Your dialog was very smooth and believable.

In your third section, I like the fact that you added the fact that she wipes the tears away as she wakes up. That's a cool little detail that most people miss. There were a couple of missing letters in this section though but as usual, I know you'll fix them. You're a strong writer and a good editor. Again, the dialog was strong and the hints in this section make it so the readers want to move along to the next section at least. I especially liked the hint about the surprise waiting for them.

Ok, I've got a little criticism for you. I think that the wedding is too close to our weddings in real life. I, think it should be a totally different type of ceremony I think you can come up with a lot of different ideas and try to make a Tengu wedding very unique. Let me think on it for a couple of days and see what I can come up with, if you want. But these creatures are not humans and they're not even of our world, just saying. I don't mean to be too critical with that part, it's just my opinion.

The last part is great, I love it! I Think her motivational speech was excellent, albeit a bit short, but a great speech indeed. It also makes you want to see what happens. I hope you've thrown in a little surprise here for our readers something like the island falling into the ocean. Because everybody reading this, well, at least me, might think that they will win simply because they are good and the dragons are bad. I'm not sure that the good guy always wins. But I am very curious as to how this all turns out. If I'm looking forward to seeing the fight then I'm pretty sure all of your other readers are looking forward to it as well.

Keep up the good writing and I didn't feel right sending you mine without reviewing yours. Keep writing and I'll catch up with you later to read mine when I have more time after the fifth of next month. talk to you then.
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for entry "Idea #1" Open in new Window.
Review by Goblin Slayer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
First off, we would need a small army, not for others but for those big goliath things that go crawling in the depths. We would also need scientists to discover the anatomy, eating habits, and the many other things that the other abilities these other creatures would possess. There's a lot of things down there to discover. Also, it would depend on how long we've been down there. We could have developed some of these attributes and could develop more. so it would be extremely important to discover and study these deep-sea creatures. As for technology, it would be the same as land people, we would be discovering different ways of doing things, for example, did you know that the ancient Egyptians created wireless electricity and we still, to this day, don't understand how it worked. We would be able to figure things out that way. Religion would also be different, not only in how they celebrated it, but they could also be using their ancient ways also.

I could ramble on and on about this subject but I could be here all day lol. here are just some points to ponder.
5
5
Review by Goblin Slayer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very touching, you know how to write emotional and suspenseful scenes. That was pretty intense, I like both scenes. I like the training scene. One of the things I would consider, you could be a little clearer with would be the part where Camelia's feet getting stuck in the ground. Why were they stuck in the ground to the point that she couldn't Get out of it? And the fight scene with Hazel seemed a bit off. The pace of the fight seemed ok but there was just something I just didn't follow, maybe it was just confusing to me, he seemed to clearly be better than her at the beginning but if you add him getting hurt or something that would add a little more suspense for the reader. Your audience is now emotionally vested in these characters and would be affected by the suspense. Do they have feet AND talons? You said that she kicked him in the chest and managed to connect with him, but wouldn't that mean that a talon pierced through him? or into his chest hurting him? I see the parts where his blade would set of sparks at the point of contact with the talons. Actually, I suppose there is one other thing, I would love to see him get hurt in the fight with Hazel. It would show her strength and that he can get hurt. Maybe have her puncture his shoulder or something. Showing that she really is that good also giving her more confidence and arrogance, maybe say something to the effect of how her arrogance was ultimately what brought her down. I think the instructor would say something in agreement with that, like never get arrogant or cocky in a fight, it could be your dying thought. I do like the fact-checking part where she questions him about who he is. I like the part where he shouted his answer after he whispered it the first time. It not only shows that she can fight but that she can think as well. At the end of that fight, he could also tell her that she still needs a little more training if a wounded man can ultimately beat her. That's where you can interject something about her arrogance being her undoing.

I saw nothing that needed any help in the falling scene. The way you had him get Cody to fly was awesome! That HEATSWELL verse was good thinking. Did you have to think about that one for a while or was it planned? If Drake weren't there with him he would've died, so what made you decide to put Drake with him? I love every part of that scene. From the part where he told him about what happened to his father to the end. I do like the fact that he just barely touched the water.

All in all, I thought this was a great chapter and it kept my attention all the way through till the end and then it made me want to read more to find out what the instructor thought about it. The fight scenes, though a bit confusing still held my interest enough to keep me reading to find out more. And what's more is that you made a long fight scene stretch out and yet still kept the pace fast enough for the reader not want to miss out on anything. So well done my friend, well done. And as always, and take this to heart, thank you for continually inviting me into your world.


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Review by Goblin Slayer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Sorry for taking so long BariRandom Author IconMail Icon But I am glad to review this one. You've got a great start here with describing almost everything. You have great form and it looks like you took your time on this piece. One other thing, you did a great job keeping it short and I can see this as the opening to a great book or even a preface.

Now, on to the corrections that I can see, remember I am not the end-all beat-all. I think you should try to double return between paragraphs it would help your readers have a more pleasant read.

I would take out the "white male businessman." to just male businessman's" It allows your reader to choose what or who they perceive him to be. Remember that this is a book of imagination so let each of them decide.

Also, where are they at; a hotel, expensive restaurant, or even somewhere else? I'm not sure how much detail you wanted in this piece or if you plan to go farther into the book, but maybe you could describe the surroundings a little bit- not too much but something that your reader can imagine for themselves. but I sure did enjoy the detailed description of who the guy is. That was very well written. Now you just have to show us what she looks like, but I imagine you will be putting that in your next chapter. This is really good, but as I am not writing you're book I would pull out of this what you want and discard the rest. And right now I think your work has merit, keep it up, and thank you for inviting me into your world. I would like to read more especially the way you wrote it, smells like a mystery maybe an action book if you see what I mean. Keep on writing.


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Review by Goblin Slayer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Octavius Author Icon it's me again.
First, I'd like to say how you stayed your course. You've been on point this whole bet of books and this is no different. You are good at telling stories and that's something I have to get back to.

I see nothing that would indicate that you were going off on a tangent here everything was on point and understandable. Zen was very believable as a military trainer. And Cody was good as a wimpy cadet. He made some goofy mistakes which people will often do under pressure. I wasn't sure about something at the end of that part though, right before they all attacked him. Was he supposed to try to kill them? Or was he simply stating that in a real battle they may not all make it? And also, why would he want to tell Drake to get to know them if they were just going to die anyway? A hard-nosed drill instructor wouldn't have cared much about that and he's supposed to be training them to survive after all. Knowing something and saying something are two different things unless he was trying to scare off Drake or use some other form of intimidation that went over my head.

Can I be Frank? (If not that's totally fine, I can still be Marty.) I wasn't too thrilled with how the ending went. The wall will be finished by tomorrow and that would block off all the wind current that keeps the island afloat. right? If it would be finished tomorrow then of course I would have to use some sort of elite strike team NOW. Tomorrow the island falls to the earth destroying their home island. And even if that were not the case and they were just getting really close I would not let my wife deter me from my work at saving their home and I certainly wouldn't be relaxed enough to lay back and stare at the ceiling.

From the last chapters that I read, that's what would happen if the wall went up, please correct me if I'm wrong. The only other things that I see needed improvement were some grammatical and typo situations. Case and point; "Cody’s chest beats hard against his chest". You could replace the first 'chest' with heart and it wouldn't sound so redundant. I think it would just make it a little smoother to read and less distracting.

Other than that I think the chapter rolled out pretty smoothly and the dialog was very believable, at least in the way people talk. You definitely still got it going on. now keep on writing, and if you want me to re-read any re-writes of any of the chapters just let me know if you do.


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Review by Goblin Slayer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi HollyMerry Author Icon It's me again. Thank you for reviewing one of my chapters. I said I would continue reading your book and am glad I did. This chapter was well constructed and flowed nicely. I liked your technique with your story structure. It's a lot like mine, (so, of course, I like it.*Laugh*) Your dialog and communication between characters seemed very realistic. I also liked the way you gave a little bit of history about the Kracken invasion. It wasn't an info dump and came out very natural.

You described Aira very well. You were very classy. He obviously thought very highly of her and even made a reference to a fault that she was very antsy and skittish. That could be considered a fault, after all, no one's perfect. I personally think that Ulfmolt would have asked what happened to her first, before asking what she was like. That's just my opinion.

I also like the way you were able to describe the hobyahs a little bit I would have actually added more detail to them just before she disappears. Maybe something like, 'Those stinky, slimy, green-skinned monsters were in front of her and behind her, if that's how they look, I didn't look those up this time. So you would have to change that out for whatever they do look like in your world. But, I still like the way you described their fighting style.

You also did a little more explaining about the Brownies appearance, you gave a height for the both of them when Ulfmolt put on Boroden's helmet for him. but I do think there was one inconsistency earlier in the chapter you said he fastened his helmet in the mirror. "Boroden settled before the opalescent pool of the mirror to comb out his mane of black hair before fastening on his helmet." I also noticed that you used apostrophes instead of quotes throughout the chapter. It made me think at first that they were talking telepathically but then saw that you were saying stuff like 'said'. Apostrophes are used when someone is thinking things usually.

Other than some minor tweaks I thought this was a great chapter and it held my interest and you did well in making your reader want to know what happens next.

All in all, it was a pleasure to read, good job, and thank you for letting me into your world.

Duhhfactor


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Review by Goblin Slayer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, HollyMerry Author Icon

I like your idea here and the explanation of the chapters ahead. It is also well written.

Suggestions; This synopsis seems like an info dump to me. Don't get me wrong, It explained things very well. I think it's all the names I had a hard time remembering. I also have some disabilities which may have prevented me from reading this clearly the first time. I had to read it twice. But again that could be due to my disabilities.

The one real suggestion I have is to explain what Brownies and Sihdes are. I had to look it up myself. Once I looked up what a Brownie was I remembered what it was from my younger D&D days, boy that was a long time ago. I had never even heard of a sidhe before even after I looked it up. I had never run into one in the old days. A short explanation of what each of them is would probably be a good idea. The Brownie you could say something like, 'A Brownie servant girl, a type of light fey, secretly does chores'. I think you could do a very short description of the Sidhe and elaborate during the story that way people will understand better because it is important to the plot.

All in all, I know I said a lot but it does make me want to read more and I will. I have gotten out of the habit of reviewing and am getting back into it. So, I'm sorry if I came off a little harsh, I did not mean to. Thank you for letting me into your world.

Duhhfactor
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Review by Goblin Slayer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey there Octavius Author Icon I looked at what you wanted me to review and will add some of my thoughts to this review as well.
Firstly, I thought this was a very easy chapter to read. everything seemed to flow rather easily. Secondly no, I didn't think your chapter was too long. I mean, you know my writing style, my chapters are way longer than yours. So I think this chapter was the length that it needed to be to get this part of the story across to your readers and as long as it's an enjoyable read than nobody's really going to care, ya know? They have more chapters to read anyway.
Now, to my suggestions for improvements but don't worry there aren't that many for this chapter.
I think you should invest a little more time into showing Drake's interest in Jasmine. Show that he likes her also for her wit or intelligence or some aspect of her personality. In this case, you just pointed out his flirtatious side by complimenting her on her looks. You could say a little more at dinner and perhaps when they are at the library before the attack, after she explains the painting, something like "You know, your very intelligent for a princess as well, most of the ones I know are just stuck up, your intelligence is a very attractive quality in a woman.", and then you can make another flirtatious comment about her looks or something similar. I personally believe that this will get your reader a little more invested in her as a character and when she hurts herself trying to save Drake it will be more impactful. (kinda like when they impacted the ground lol) I think this will show a more personal investment to the duo.
The only other suggestion I can offer is that I think you need to describe the palace a little bit more. After not having read chapter 4 in a while I got a little confused as to whether the palace was up in the trees, made of stone on the ground, or even had a stone building in the trees. If it's all made up of wood then show the fancy decor a little more and get aggressive with the fanciness of the palace.
All in all great chapter I loved it and am looking forward to seeing more as always.


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Review by Goblin Slayer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Octavius Author Icon How goes it? I'm back to review another one of your great chapters. once again the dialog is pretty good.

I thought the beginning was a bit confusing, did they get off the eagle? She grabbed the eagle feathers after they got off. The story here kind of makes it seem like they're still on the eagle. Maybe it's just me but I think if you say that the eagle was unsaddled and it left would be all we'd need. Otherwise the rest is good. I'm writing this as I read it, now I see that they're still on the eagle, okay.

I did think it was funny when he told Ura to stop doing that, nice touch with the humor, I think you need to add more of it. It's delightful to laugh during such a tense time.

I have an anxiety disorder and it affects when I'm watching T.V. shows and reading tense situations in books. Sometimes I have to get up and walk around to calm down. The eagle fight did just that. It is tense enough to affect your audience in that way, albeit, maybe not as much as me but still. Excellent writing here my friend.


"flapping its wings following the largest eagle." This should say their wings, its plural because you're talking about more than one eagle.

Yes this chapter made me tense but all in all I loved it. It really had an effect on me as I said, if your reader has an investment in your characters then they will be on the edge of their seats when they read this part, especially when Kevin jumps of his eagle. Another question though does the eagle that Marie os on keep her safe because she was with Ura? That was one of my thoughts reading the jump scene. I did like the way you had him talk his eagle into letting him ride her.

Yep, you put me on the edge of my seat and that's the mark of a good writer. Until your next chapter.


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Review of Running Scared  Open in new Window.
Review by Goblin Slayer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Jeannie's Jingle Bells☃️ Author Icon You reviewed me so I thought I would return the favor and I'm glad that I did. Your concept here is a cool one. Pretty much, I liked the whole story. The only thing I thought was that the ending was somewhat anti-climactic. I especially like the fact that they didn't see the full sign so they ended up at that cave. I was wondering have you ever experienced a haunting before, because as an amateur paranormal investigator several years ago, you hit the nail on the head about what she did to the girls. I really enjoyed this piece and even though it was for a contest you should keep writing like this, you're good at it. well, thank you for letting me into at least one of your worlds.
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for entry "Chapter 3" Open in new Window.
Review by Goblin Slayer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hey there Octavius Author Icon how goes it? well, I'm back for another review. I like this story, so I'm keeping up with it.

The first part of this is well written and easy to understand. Your dialog is smooth and readable. I did notice quite a few errors in spelling, word placement or tenses at times. It feels like you wrote this pretty quick, but a quick edit will fix all of the little stuff. but that's really the only thing I notice, your dialog has come a long way since Chapter 1 of the Verse of Estoria.

"Located on Planet Yamnon, an earth-like planet in the Nonalus planet system, the pub is situated between a beach where one could see the green ocean and the forest where towering blue leafed trees with living antenna’s giving off an a natural relaxing aroma." I think this sentence could be broken down into two separate sentences. I had to read it twice to get it all.

“Not bad, she replies though this place is in dire need of some… her deep red eyes glance at the disruptive bunch.

“Quality control." I think you could have her say this: "though this place is in dire need of some…" And then say the rest and put the words "Quality control" in the same paragraph. I think it would sound and look a lot smoother.

"But the pay is too good to pass up and it’s a perfect opportunity to show her sister that she just as worthy of her father’s legacy just as she is." Here, saying Just as she is, is a bit redundant. It also doesn't sound right to me.

this sentence doesn't work very well because you already said she finished it in the first sentence of the paragraph previous.

The rest of this is really good and again easy to understand. I really like the shielding here, I think that's a relatively original idea, bouncing the lasers off the shields, that was way cool! Good job!

Well, that's it for this one. I think you did a good job with this. I get the feeling that this is only your first draft, so far it is really good I like it, keep up the good work and as always, thank you for inviting me into your world.


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14
for entry "Drake is captured" Open in new Window.
Review by Goblin Slayer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Octavius Author Icon hows it going, let's jump right in, shall we?

I love the opening paragraph, you set the scene very nicely, well-done man!

This sentence here is somewhat of a repeat of the description from a couple of lines back that already said she was writing with a feather, also I think the proper term for that would be a quill. anyway here is the sentence I found it in, this whole sentence could probably be removed and the meaning of the paragraph would remain the same. "The woman says as she writes in her note pad with a large feather."

Your first part has some minor oopsie's but nothing that a quick edit wouldn't fix. Your opening scene was presented quite well and was very clear.

Part two, wait, where did the guards come from that are following him up the cliff face? That is all I am questioning in this part. All is well for this part, good job, I like it.

Oh, will he discover his true nature out of pure necessity?! we'll have to just wait and find out! lol

"Kevin scratches his head gazing at the map while Maria happily walks near him with loving thoughts in her head. She reaches and grab Kevin’s arm as she walks beside him causing Kevin to blush. Ura walks ahead as she takes large steps in the ground humming to herself a tune." Okay, I see this part of the paragraph going one of two ways, the first is to leave it as it is and allow it to tell the story, or, (The way I would go,) I would throw in some inner thoughts here and show how they are feeling instead of telling how their feeling. The thing is that feelings can be complicated and you could very easily show that here adding even more depth to your characters as you get to see what loving thoughts Maria is thinking that make Kevin blush, how does she look at him that makes him blush, did she wink all flirty at him with a huge smile on her face? If so, show us. what was Kevin thinking that made him blush?

That last part was cool, but I thought they were heading up a mountain so when they got pushed off the cliff I thought they were headed back the way they came, after all the river would flow down, not up. So I'm going to try to read that again to see what I can see. Yeah, I can see that the river only flows one way, that's down to the ocean. how do they get the rest of the way UP the mountain if the river is flowing down?

All in all, I can only give this chapter a four-star rating because of the confusing things that I found in it. maybe I'm not seeing everything clearly enough but most of this is well thought out and easy to read. The dialog is good and the scenes you set were spectacular, especially the beginning scene where you come across Drake in his newfound home. I'm glad you wrote this and am looking forward to more of it. Your overall goal in this chapter to move your characters forward in the plotline is very well done and I can see the events clearly, good work, and as always thank you for inviting me into your world.

Rockin reviewers!


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15
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Review by Goblin Slayer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Octavius Author Icon How goes it. It's been a while since I have reviewed anything so this could be kind of rusty, I'm sure I'll get back into it quickly. Okay, let's get this ball rolling.

Okay, your prologue was good, it was action-packed and was well thought out. I did notice that you wrote this very quickly. A quick edit and you have yourself a really good opening to this book. The edits are just the norm, the wrong tense here or there, just normal stuff, no big deal. What I liked most about your prologue was the pace of it. It was a fast scene and it read like one. You didn't pause for thoughts or explain things in too much detail. This kept it moving at a fast pace for the reader, good job!

I'm not so sure you need part 1 of chapter 1. you could just talk about the shortage of fish. You can also explain, or have your characters talk about the shortage of food with Ura then you could completely cut it out. but that's just a thought. And if you do want to keep it in I don't think you need the separation between what Kevin was doing and what Maria is doing.

The next part is good, you did very well with the rescue and the fainting part, I like that, it would be realistic for her to do that. By the way, just curious but is a rack the same thing as a bed or chair? I have never heard that term before if it is then I just learned something new. LOL

I like the last part and the dialog seems to go pretty smoothly here. It is a bit of an info dump but you did it in a way that a writer could tell but not necessarily a reader would notice it. It was done right in my opinion.

The only thing in chapter one that I was wondering about is, why would Kevin want to go and rescue Drake when at the end of the last book he hated Drake for what his grandmother had done. How did he get over his anger? What made him change his mind?

Okay, that's my assessment of chapter 1. It looks like you're off to a running start here. good work on a lot of the things in this chapter. I've been watching you grow as a writer since I first met you and I am proud of you.


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Review by Goblin Slayer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
It seems you have a melody to go with this poem. I'll be honest I usually don't review poems because I don't know them very well. But what I can tell you is that is was very easy to read, the whole thing just kind of rolled off the tongue. I enjoyed it very much, but I was wondering why you think she's crazy? Just what did she do to break your heart. You open your piece with somewhat of a promise that your readers will find out what she did, kind of a question if you will. Why is she crazy, that's why I read more, (well that and because I said I would lol.) Just saying, that this piece is almost a story, has a beginning and an ending. But aesthetically, this is a pretty poem and I do like it very much. Keep up the good writing.
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for entry "Chapter 2" Open in new Window.
Review by Goblin Slayer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hey jdparker22 Hows it going? Well, it's been a while but I'm super excited to read part 2. so let's get this on shall we?

So far the dialog seems crisp and clear, I want to keep going, good attention to drama here.

"A few moments pass as the blue dragon glares at them for a few moments." You say a few moments too many times in this sentence, I know your editing skills but I figured I'd tell you anyway. Also, there's this;
"Warning de-pressurization in progress. The deep masculine computer speaks. Ensure that your suits are safely secured." I think the 'The deep masculine computer speaks' should probably be regular text. Again, just another editing tip, so far your scene and the characters are well rounded out. I'm at the part where they find the dragon, I love it!

I'm not wholly sure why, but your fight scene with the dragon and Nadine seems a little flat. I think it has something to do with me not really caring if she wins or looses, There is no emotional investment into the character by the reader. I think if we had known Nadine a little better there would be more tension in your fight scene. Don't get me wrong, the mechanics of the scene are good, I just don't see any tension. Ideas from me would include a mention by the luitenent about maybe him hoping they send her and someone explaining that he doesn't want her to come because she has kids or something like that, her son graduates the academy tomorrow. Make the fight scene last a little longer that way maybe. For some reason I seemed to be more worried about the marines than with her. I don't know, thoughts for you as always.

"The seraphs all fade from view leaving Evin floating in space with his spacesuit." I'm a little confused by this, it just comes from out of nowhere, I think you should leave this one completely out, your last section does an outstanding job of what happened to Evin. It was also very good at making me want to read more.

All I see in this chapter that needs a little work, (in my opinion), would be the stupid little edit issues, which you always correct usually on your own anyway, and the flatness of Nadine. I'm sorry if this seems a bit harsh or something just let me know if Iv'e been rude to you. But your flow and setting were both good and the mechanics are great. You did a fantastic job of setting the stage and executing the fight.

As you say, Keep writing and I'll keep reading, I love the little dragon part at the end so keep it up!


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Review of New beginnings  Open in new Window.
Review by Goblin Slayer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi there! I'm Duhhfactor and you chose me because I'm a no-nonsense reviewer. I will tell you like it is while also giving you encouragement for what you did right and suggestions on how to improve your piece, also, remember that any suggestions I give you are my opinions and do not have to be used at all. Here we go.

Well, the title definitely rings true and I definitely got the clue that she was pregnant by the end of the first chapter. So it seems that you did make your intention clear by the end of the chapter. You also did a good job bringing Jacqui to life. She is a pretty well-rounded character and you made her worries and happiness stand out in all three chapters.

Your descriptions are very detailed but I would change your focus from telling people all about what she did when she woke up and what she had for breakfast to her surroundings and what the other characters look like. Let your readers imagine what the breakfast was like, go ahead and give some of the smells and some of the details, but let your readers imagination run wild unless it has something to do with the plot. Don't worry, I am still figuring out all of that in my writing as well.

I think it was due to all the description in the first chapter, I had to go back and re-read all three chapters a couple of times. Sometimes the description can take away from the plotline and general flow of the story. The first chapter was about getting to the car, the second, about the ride, and where you have a lot of information about Hassan and Jacqui's relationship, and the third was about the confrontation with Hassan's father.

The information about her relationship came to me as kind of jumbled, I think you were still trying to conceal, or, not tell anyone straight out, that she was pregnant; but that's good. When the reader finally finds out that she IS pregnant, you give your readers a sense that they were smart enough to know what was going on.

You do a really good job of describing the room, their surroundings when she finally gets to it. I got a real sense of being in the room while you were writing that scene.

You spent the right amount of time describing her upbringing in chapter three, to make sure the reader knows why she wants to keep the baby. well done on that point!

The way Mr. Khan regards his son and his son's attitude was well played out. Again, a good job, it was very believable. Indeed, the entire ending was very good. The dialog went smoothly in my opinion and again, you rounded out Hassan's character nicely. I take it we will see more of him in the future? I would take some time to round out Wesley a little more also. Your story here is a good one, I would be interested to see your re-write on this as well as more chapters from you. I would ask you to fill out your bio in your portfolio as people would like to know a little more about you, just what you want people to know.

One last tip I can give you is centered around your formatting. When I set up a story or one of my chapters I have to physically hit return after every paragraph so that it's that much easier to read, and start a new paragraph when a new person starts speaking. Other than that, I enjoyed your story very much, I want to read more.


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19
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for entry "Chapter 1" Open in new Window.
Review by Goblin Slayer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Here we go again friend, I'll check this one out too, whatever happened to Blood, Soul, and Sacrifice? anyway, here we go.
In the first part before the break you have a couple of editing mistakes but nothing an edit won't fix. Interesting setup here. It makes me want to read more.
This second part is uniquely done, It's kind of an info dump but done in a good way. The dialog seems to run pretty smoothly here too, very well done.
I like the fact that you make him un-impressive, give us some more detail on how he is un-impressive. 'He can barely hold up the drill at times, especially when the tip breaks or he has to use magic.' Just a thought.
'Warp drives, gravity emitters, and teleport devices are one of many inventions that has occur with the help of their magic.' Try 'teleport devices are 'some' of the many devices' It has to do with plural sentence structure. and change 'occur' to 'occured'.
"But the most thing he loves most is that it didn’t drain his score." try to only use the word 'most' only once in this sentence.
The ending compels me to want to read chapter 2. I think you've got something here. and you do go into more detail about his average-ness which is good. I think continuing to go with that average joe kind of guy is a good thing, hehe, give him a small gut, that would definitely make him average I think.
I think you just need a good edit with this one and you'll be alright. I like the storyline and your MC is drawn up pretty well. I don't know if you even need to round out Anitra any more than you have. great job on this one too.


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20
20
Review of The Fourth Child  Open in new Window.
Review by Goblin Slayer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
You might want to change the word 'counsel' to 'console' I can tell what you meant but you're using the wrong word for it, just letting you know.
In what way are you using the word 'satellite' Is she going to and coming from a man-made satellite or are you using it as a reference to the moon that's also called a satellite? And I'm assuming that the moon WAS the creature, or did it come from within the moon.
I love this story, It's an idea that I've never even heard of before. Fantastic concept, I bet you could even comprise a short novella around this whole concept. Keep it up man I like tour imagination, mine is still stuck in my book, which is great for me but bad for contests, lol.
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Review by Goblin Slayer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya doing there? A little about me and my style. I write as I see things in your chapters, I will always act as a beta reader pointing out things that, in my opinion, could be said in a different way, or that need improvement. That being said, I also praise accordingly. I'm not sure what level of writing you're at so I just call it bluntly. My objective is to be truthful, not mean. So take it all with a grain of salt if you want. now, on to my review.
"Did...did you just say, 'no bigger than a pencil'?" Jay sniffled. She pulled her glasses away and wiped her face on her rosy sleeve. After taking a breath to compose herself, the girl rose to her feet with some help from her friends. "Let me take a look. Bian, can you look in my bag for a little black stick?" This is the point that made me start wondering how many people are in this group and where they are, I'm picturing some kind of cave. I think you might need to be a little more direct at the beginning so that your readers don't get confused. Also, there seems to be no distinction between any of them, who are they? do they have a specialty? I also think in my mind that these are all teenagers at this point. I'm hoping I'm painting a good picture of what your readers might see at this point, but it's confusing to me.
Well, you did well in making me picture teenagers, I like that and so far your story seems to have a good flow and pace to it.
"Its shift is over, and common sense just punched in," Comical, I like it, it was at a good timing in the story as well.
You did very well in describing the tunnel and the room they found.
I think a little more description is needed with lord cosmic and what he truly desires. Other than that, I love the story and it could definitely be a book if you do it right. Contact me if you want to continue writing it, I'd love to read more.
Thank you for introducing me to your world.


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22
22
Review of World's Fate  Open in new Window.
Review by Goblin Slayer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
It's okay I read another sci-fi story this morning lol.
I think you should add more emotional tags during the confrontation with William and Foster.
I like it, well met sir. I can see no real fault other than the emotional tags I mentioned earlier, I'm not sure what kind of word limit you had on this contest but a few fear tags would be good at the end as well, or maybe just pure disappointment. otherwise I can't see anything wrong with this piece really.
good damn job man!
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Review of The Snow Maiden  Open in new Window.
Review by Goblin Slayer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello! I will be your reviewer for the time being. I am a no-nonsense reviewer. I will tell you like it is but will also point out the good things I see. just a bit about me. Okay, let's begin.
"He dared to make a wish -- but he kept it to himself for fear that if he said it out loud the wind might come and whisk it away, and then it would never come true." I like the imagery of this line and it was very well written.
The poem was excellent as well!
"The atmosphere was midnight blue and freckled with silver stars." Just a small thing, but earlier you said that the stars were blue.
Nice ending, I was hoping you were going to go there, but that last part I had to read twice. She was a swan and then he kissed her lips and tasted death. when did she turn back into a 'human'?
Very nicely done, I liked the story very much, except for that one part, it was very easy to follow, your hunter was pretty well rounded out for being a short story. When you post stuff on here sometimes you have to go through and hit return after every paragraph, it's just easier to read that way, just a thought. anyway, thank you for inviting me into your world, keep on writing!


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24
24
Review of The Rebirthday  Open in new Window.
Review by Goblin Slayer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi there! I am going to review this like I review everything. I have no idea your age, your writing style or your experience in writing. I like to get to the point of things and try to give my honest opinion of your story. I will not be mean, I don't believe in that. I will not be correcting grammar or spelling because this piece has already served its purpose, (I think). Anyway, here goes.
"Peter hobbled to the refrigerator and pulled out a bag of plasma. It would give him the needed boost he required. "Vampire Viagra," he chortled." I thought he was out on the street already and that he was looking at a woman walking down the street. That confused me as to where the refrigerator came from.
I like that you put in some thoughts from Lisa. Nice touch. I also like that you ended the story humorously. That was an unexpected surprise.
All in all, your flow was good and I could easily picture the scenes, (except that first part). I know this was for a contest, but you could make a really good short story from this, like, what happened after he said that? Did he suck her dry, or turn her? And if he turned her than he would have to train her, I can see a great story as well as other possibilities. Nice job and thank you for inviting me into your world.


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25
25
Review by Goblin Slayer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
sweet! I like a story like this. You really didn't have any lag in your story and it flowed pretty well, though I have to say, I think Azazel and Micheal were a bit more rounded of characters than was Jess, but it actually makes sense if he was just a figment of his own imagination, Jeeze, how does that even work? lol. All in all, I really liked this story and you could've done a LOT worse. It was an absolute pleasure to read, thanks for putting it up on the newsfeed, I would have never seen it otherwise.


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