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Review of Wise  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Good for you! This is inspirational!

I could make one small suggestion. This is my opinion. It would be easier to read if you added the word "in"at the beginning of line 4.

If you want to see a lot of examples of communication failures just look at my portfolio. It is full of "less than"s. I'm 2 years North of 80 and there is not enough time to correct all the errors I made. So I review when I'm not making more errors.


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2
2
Review of The Winning Goal  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Good stuff here. You packed a lot in a small package of words. Bravo!


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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This seems to this 80-year-old that rather than asking for a review, perhaps this was an open letter to someone who was able to empathize with its author?
I assume that is the case so my rating in this case is based upon how well you communicated your search.

You did well from my viewpoint.
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Review of The Pond  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I read this several times. That made me feel good as memories from childhood flooded my mind. Your presentation was smooth and flawless. (one tiny thing) Where I grew up we called pill bugs, rollie pollies. I know that names for common things, insects, and even small animals change with location.

Having said that, I can offer nothing else which I would even consider changing.

You did well, thank you for making me remember times long gone by and putting a smile on my face.


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5
5
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
SMILE!

You have this way of putting so much into just a few words. I like your style.
I loved your reference to passing for a school bus if someone painted you yellow.

The problem with weight is it goes on so easily but comes off so hard, too bad that
there seems to be no simple way to reverse that.

Your presentation had a few spots that could be improved. Break your thoughts into
smaller bites that your readers can chew comfortably.
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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like this poem a lot.

How can I suggest improvements to such a fine piece?

This is a tribute to someone that the Author understands and appreciates at a very deep level.

Thank you for sharing it with us.

Keep feeling, it is only through feeling that we are able to write and touch others.

Keep it up!
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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Oh, my. I turned 79, on January 8. I lost my wife on Oct 5. I certainly can empathize with not being able to see and hear. I miss birdsongs. All they do now is drop bombs on me when I totter under their tree. I know they must sing still but all I hear is the effect of tinnitus.

Where has it gone? The time of my life?

The hesitation between the movements of clock hands is now silent little jumps, I miss the tick and tock.

Thank you for sharing your piece with me.

I know that I am not alone. Perhaps we will be able to shake hands in the next!
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Review of Helen  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like this poem. I might make only one change. The line beginning Mosquitoes kiss just seems wrong to me. I've never been kissed by a mosquito. Most of my encounters with the little beasties left me itching sore and irritated.
I've been bitten by them on four continents and have never felt kissed.

The glimpse of your childhood was pleasant, presented well, and stimulated my own visions of the past.

Well done. Keep writing.
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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
You touch on some very interesting history, Unfortunately, Your presentation seems a little flat. I have seen other things that you wrote that are lively, and captivate both imaginations and stimulate interest.

My recommendation is for you to rewrite this with an eye and ear toward passing the excitement of discovery to your readers. This is a noble effort, you should pursue it. It will reward you with a sense of accomplishment, asit should.

You need to just let your imagination fill in the voices of the pictures you look at.

My best to you Keep working on this piece. I look forward to seeing it in a more finished state.


Moarzjasac
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Review of Lost  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Once upon a time I would have been in the front row as the indignation with which this piece inspires me in strong, but alas, My indignant days are long passed and left curbside for pickup when the masked collectors picked Friday morning promptly at 7:50 Am as usual.

I wondered if this piece might have been subconsciously inspired by the Great Greek philosophers who wrote about the Demise of the Island of Thera giving a certain Credibility to the legends of Atlantis.

I'm sure when the caldura vomited sixteen cubic miles of ejecta ehen it exploded.

I like this piece and then I found a missing then which you just corrected I use this word to describe : (it follows) Then. Some wise man declared that THIS EVENT WAS PUNISHMENT FOR ANGERING THE GODS>

I Can say this, It was the loudest sound ever heard on earth.
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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
This poem shows a certain maturity. You are definitely growing as a poet. The flow of your thoughts is easy to follow albeit a tiny bit jerky in spots. Reading this piece aloud gives a good feel for meter. If you keep a thesaurus handy you can find words which can be substituted and still have the meaning which you intend and have the added benefit of fitting the cadence of your words.

Poetry is about the sound and the flow of your words. It takes being willing to spend some time editing in order to have a finished poem that leaves a lingering taste on your readers lips like a bite of Tupelo Honey.

Forgive me for being a needy old man.

Moe


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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
It was said by a famous author (my memory fails me here) "When I sit down to write I puncture a vein and bleed on the paper."

It is relatively safe here to put your feelings on paper. How ever I must tell you that this old Grandfather would give you a long warm hug if he had the chance. It is something I need also. Needing a hug does not make either of us less than.

I like this piece when I read it aloud, I enjoy the smooth way that it flows.
MOE


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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
The one suggestion that I have about the piece is there is an unnecessary break after picture where you look. It is distracting and interrupts the flow of this piece. Continuity both visual and in flow is the goal for which we all strive.

In places you have a tendency to be a bit wordy, having clusters of non productive words which obscure your message.

FOR INSTANCE:(Look, I do not want you to think that I am acting like) could be reduced to Please don't see me as an insane creature who responds with anger when ignored.

Hey Keep a handle on your heart when you lose it. Writing helps.

Moe


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Review of Song of an Age  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello, may I say I feel honored to be trusted to review this magnificent piece.

I like this most thought provoking little poem. You made each and every word count as one should. It flows well from start to finish.

This piece is small but it packs a strong message!

MOE
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Review of I Will Wait  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
This would lose its rough edges if you change the way that you present it. As an intense and personal letter would be the perfect way to communicate your thoughts to your reader They have an odor of intimacy to them which I caught by your third word. AS A LETTER you can make this the intense message that you originally intended.

My very best to you, my young friend. Keep on writing. You have a special gift of communication with your readers. USE IT WISELY!

You must recognize that you have some work to bring what you've written to the market. The higher a piece's polish the more it can command, and the better the publisher you can present it to. Better publishers pay more.


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Review of Safe Space  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
These are your thoughts, I follow what you mean but your presentation is much different than mine.

I am honored to welcome you to WDC. We come from many countries with diverse traditions. Schools vary in what they teach. Translations from many languages to English is difficult. What level of education do you have? That is important for me to know. I would not use the same language to speak to a child of eight that I would use to communicate with someone my age. I am seventy-eight. I am self-educated except for two years of college. One junior college and one at university level. I have traveled far, to many countries. I have seen things which I hope my children can avoid. Luckily there is no draft now. And places like WDC where people can lean from each otherand expand their vocabulary with more words so that they can share stories, ideas, and poems. There are some awesome people who are willing to help you at whatever level you are at. But we must understand who you are. I believe that you trust us because you submitted a piece of writing for review. If what you write comes from the same place inside you as where my writing comes from inside me, then I understand the pain of being sure. Will someone out there understand me. Is someone out there willing to communicate?
Risk. I’m talking the risk you took letting complete strangers review your work. You are half-way home! If you fill out your bio you are much more likely to find someone who is willing to communicate with you. You must use the vocabulary that you share to establish meaningful communication by filling out your bio. The syntax of your language might be different than mine. Sometimes we can laugh with one another over that. We can help each other learn to communicate together. Thank you for your differences There is much to learn from you my young friend. If I am successful in my attempt to communicate with you perhaps, I can share something from the experience of my long which will prove beneficial to you. It is good for both of us, or it is good not at all. I hope for both, my young friend.

Moe


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17
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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
You did well with the prompt!

This takes me back to New Year 1960 at Golden Gate Park in San Francisco. The first time I was able to enjoy candle powered hot air balloons was my first New Year away from my home in South Dakota. I'm mot positive if that was the time I came back to Treasure Island with tiny gems of frozen rain on my Pea coat. I ate at Kan's Chinese restaurant on the way back I collected the gems waiting for the bus.


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18
Review of The Injustice  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (1.0)
I welcome you to WDC. However I feel cheated because I can't read a word and be sure that it means what I think that it does. If you post an English translation of this as well, your target audience would be expanded exponentially.

Think about for whom you write.

If I could understand your message I would give you a much better rating.

WDC allows do overs.

Moarzjasac


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19
19
Review of Magic Hands  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
I bid you welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your membership as much as I have enjoyed mine. Please take a few minutes to set up your bio.

I as your reviewer need as much information as possible to give you a credible review.

I feel uncomfortable trying to use the same yardstick to measure the work of a child as I use to review a PHD in English. I can't really be fair to the author I'm attempting to review.

I recommend that you have a friend read this aloud to you. That way you have two sets of senses working for you. Rough spots show clearly and make your final effort smoother and more coherent.

Best to you. I sense that you have natural talent that needs to be presented in the best light possible.


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20
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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
I sincerely agree with what you say here. You taught me a new word, orison. I would advise a rewrite paying close attention to verb tense.

A Poem, no matter what the subject, should flow smoothly. I recommend that you read your poem aloud, and have someone else read it aloud to you.

I realize that English is your second language.

Pay close attention to the flow and sequence of your ideas or points.

This one is not your best work. I couldn't agree with your points more.

I hope this is helpful to you.

Moarzjasac


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21
Review of Canyons of Light  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
You reached out and took me to your perch from which you watched your city come to life. You did really well. Reading this aloud in my tiny room it flows smoothly and sweetly like Tupelo honey from my tongue.
I love the structure and the visual painting you created with a few words.
Moe


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22
Review of Celtic Memories  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really like this. I have no formal college level classes but I have always enjoyed classics. My Grandma had me reading "Two years before the mast, and "Far from the Madding Crowd" in eighth grade. Grandma was from Sweden originally her love of literature encompassed Ibsen to Johansen to Mary Ingalls Wilder. I was fortunate I appreciate her more as I grow older. I just turned 78-years-old.

I like the way this poem flows as it is spoken. I read it aloud to myself.

Moe


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23
23
Review of Overcoming Fears  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
First I like your message. Second you kept to the meter of the form in which you wrote.

A small poem that packs a large message, is the kind I like most of all.

It is difficult for me to review such a short piece. I get IDA. Ida know what more I can say.

Moe


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24
24
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
HEY THERE!

I never set goals because my life is so undependable. I just sit down to write aqnd the phone starts ringing. It's never anyone that I want to talk to, you know trying to sell me something I neither want or need. Since we moved into this tiny apartment I have no room for junk, and I only need so much insurance! LOL

Moe


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25
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Review of Stolen heart  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (2.0)
Hi, A warm welcome to WDC. It welcomes anyone even 78-year-old weirdo's like me. When I look around me I realize how much the world cha changed. Thinking before acting has gone out of style and the ones who notice most often are branded OLD FOGIES. Smile!

I really wish you had filled out your Bio. There is nothing to be bashful about. We have people on every continent from 8 (the youngest of whom i am aware to 80 something.

Now about your poem, It is filled with heartfelt emotion. You make your readers feel it too. (You have a wonderful start at bonding with your readers.) GOOD FOR YOU!

I recommend that authors read their stuff aloud to themselves then have someone else read it to you. Having eyes and ears working together gives you a shot at spotting bloopers.

Reading aloud helps the author find where to break lines etc. Imagine you have just gone up a few stairs. Breathing at that rate read. When you need to catch a breath good place for you to break, a line or end a stanza. This also is a great way to time your flow, of thoughts, feelings, or facts.😁

T would recommend a good rewrite. Look at it! lines of uneven size which indicates an author whose mind is moving faster than they can write.

This is what you wrote.


When I told him I love him (this is in simple past tense.
He just standing there and frozen (HE WAS) your story outran your fingers.
He didn't speak any words (He said nothing..When...)
When I told him I wanna be with him
Again,he(WAS?) just standing over(IN) the corner and stared (AT)me (without saying any words) this phrase is redundant
When I asked him,"what's wrong?"
He just stared me with his sad eyes
When (Then?) I doubted (the way I handled) myself (In) about this weird situation
(A voice told me He didn't love you)
I tried to get rid of it,the voice that told me,"he didn't love you"
He walked towards me slowly..
(With sad downcast eyes) You should get the rhythm and meaning.
Still,with his sad eyes..
And slowly grabbed my hands and kiss (kissed them gently)them with gentle
(I felt his tears drip on my hands)And I realized that his tears running down my hands
And he said, "I'm sorry, (BREAK THIS LINE)but my heart(has) already (been)stolen by someone (Who saved my life) special,she saved my life,so (Berak here) I can't give my heart to anyone"(else)

© Poembyselly
©Selly Agtus

Read it, Does it roll from your tongue leaving a sweet silky Trail behind it. SMOOTH is what poets strive for.

I suspect that English might be your second language. There were some slight problems with syntax. Your verb tenses and missing verb
and wrong choice of time passed, present, or future.

If You had filled out your Bio I could problebly hook you up with someone from your country wh would be more than willing to help you polish your english a little.

As I saod before, a poets job is to transmit feelings as well as ideas to your readers. You have done both. GOOD ON YOU!

Moe


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