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1
1
Review by mjp ink Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello *UmbrellaG* Natbutteflyblue *UmbrellaG*. This review comes courtesy of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. Thank you for sharing your fantasy story *Reading* Airianna, Chapter 1. I hope my comments are helpful.

*UmbrellaB*First Impression: The story begins in the middle of an attack by unknown mercenaries on a palace. The main protagonist, Faith, braves the over-run castle, avoiding the invaders to find the princess, Airianna. Discovering the princess cornered by a mercenary, Faith dispatches him and then leads the princess through the castle searching for an escape route.

*UmbrellaR*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: In the bold title you have Arianna, which is just missing the i in Airianna

There are some technical issues with the first line of the chapter :- Faiths breaths came in rapid gasps,... Apostrophes are used to show ownership or missing letters. You could also change breaths to breathing or breath to make this read better. E.g.

Faith's breath came in rapid gasps, or Faith's breathing came in rapid gasps.

This room had once been Airiannas nursery,.. Same here. It is Airianna's nursery You used an apostrophe on Lady Amaranth's apartments, but later, not on Airiannas life or Airiannas gaze, which need one.

...a trapdoor in the ceiling where delivery's were made... Here it is the opposite. The deliveries are plural and don't need an apostrophe.

*UmbrellaV*Overall Impression: I liked that you started the story in the middle of the attack. I felt Faith's fear immediately, but the first line was a little awkward. There is tension right from the beginning as Faith experiences a range of emotions. Her anger at seeing her friend in danger was a good way to break her trepidation and show some of her character's strength. The trickery she employed to avoid the guards was good too, showing her quick-wittedness.

What I didn't understand was, why is Faith there? She talks about getting to the princess and that they were friends as children. She is also friends with Tah'lon, the palace guard. I would have liked to know why Faith is so concerned with the princess. Is she a noble or a servant, or just a friend staying at the castle? On the other hand, I don't mind that the mercenaries are unidentified, because in the midst of the invasion, there would be confusion. Their motives and employers could be explained in later chapters.

Overall, I think you have a chosen a great way to start the story, with action. Faith comes across as a much stronger character than Airianna. As a consequence, I am more interested in Faith and relate to her, much more than the princess. I am tempted to read on to find out what caused the attack. Who are the mercenaries? Where will they go?

*UmbrellaP*Suggestions: The first line of a story is so important and I think you need to reassess this one. I'm not so sure about her pulse pounded against the side of her throat. I suspect you are trying to get away from the cliches such as a lump in her throat or thumping in her chest, but maybe more like her throbbing heart throttling her throat. or something like that.E.g.

Faith's breath came in rapid gasps, her throbbing heart rising up to throttle her throat.

*UmbrellaP* The wound gushed open, drowning the princess in a wave of hot blood. I think drowning could be replaced by showered or similar. E.g.

The open wound gushed, showering the princess with a spray of hot blood.

*UmbrellaP* Violent sounds pieced the air... The sounds aren't themselves violent, so I would suggest this could be rearranged slightly to Sounds of violence pierced the air.

*UmbrellaP* When Faith freezes and closes her eyes, she then describes how close the man comes to the corner. I think it needs to be described aurally, as in she heard the man come close or his footsteps approach. These are all just suggestions. See what you think yourself and what others give you.

*Sun*Adoration: I think this makes for a promising beginning. I particularly liked some of the imagery and descriptions. Overall, it was the tension of being caught or spotted that really kept me reading and interested.

*Rainbowl*Felicitation: It was a joy and pleasure to read and review your first chapter of Airianna. With some revisions and tweaking, I would be happy to reread and re-review this chapter, Natbutteflyblue, and I will read the next chapter. Write On!
Michael
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Review by mjp ink Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello *UmbrellaG* SWPoet*UmbrellaG*. This review comes courtesy of me and "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. Thank you for sharing your cultural short story *Reading*Why Dog Chases His Tail . I hope my comments are as helpful as the rains are refreshing.

*UmbrellaB*Sprinkling: This is an enjoyable native myth story suitable for children, as well as adults, suggesting why dogs chase their tails. A curious dog wants to know more about his own ancestry and identifies with other animals with which he shares characteristics. He visits his freind, the Fox, associating with his bushy tail, and is then used by fox and rabbit for their own devices. Wolf tries to advise him of the consequences of his actions. Dog is soon in too deep to extricate himself, though the humans misintepret his behaviour and reward him.

*UmbrellaP*Shower Soaker: I liked the beginning where you say "in the days when animals were no longer walking upright". It is a great turnaround from current evolutionary theory, and immediately gives it a feeling this is a native myth. Fox and dog were very true in their dialog and thoughts to their natures. Fox was clever and conniving. Dog was trusting and eager to please. Rabbit is suitably skittish and wolf has presence, power and wisdom. The close link between dog and wolf is also established. I liked how his human masters rewarded him, even though he was just trying to warn his animal friends. Overall, an enjoyable story and a consistent ending linking the bushy tail and white fur with the two animals. This provided the meaning for why dog needed reminding of his place.

*UmbrellaV*Cloudburst: I thought maybe paragraph 2 could be split up into two. Paragraph 2 then, just for Dog. Then a seperate paragraph, for Fox thinking and speaking.

*UmbrellaV* I wonder whether you could have given the Tsalagi name for "he who chases shadows" as well as its meaning.

*Rainbowl*Afterglow:I enjoyed reading Why Dog Chases His Tail, your short mythic story , SWPoet. My golden retriever, Josh, was still chasing his tail at age thirteen. A fun and interesting tail. Write On!
Michael
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Review of I Have a Dream  Open in new Window.
Review by mjp ink Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello *UmbrellaG* Tony *UmbrellaG*. This review comes courtesy of me and "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. Thank you for sharing your poem *Reading* I Have A Dream. I hope my comments are helpful.

*UmbrellaB*Poetic Structure: You have done a great job creating this acrostic poem. Setting the first letter in bold made it visually appealing.

*UmbrellaR*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: Punctuation was excellent. Commas on the compound sentences; periods on the sentences; one exclamation mark - all well placed and consistent. Spelling was also great.

*UmbrellaP*Suggestions: My only suggestion is that perhaps the 'no' in the 3rd last line could be capitalised as well. See what you think.

*UmbrellaV*Overall Impression: You used the title of Dr. King's speech well to create your poem, Tony. I like how your dream grew from no drugs in the high schools to no drugs in America, to no drugs anywhere. It was a good title for such a worthy message. There were other good messages like "respect others" too. Overall, very well done.

*Sun*Applause: My favorite lines:
Each student will have a choice to say, ‘no’, to drugs,
And no one will let drugs affect their future.

*Rainbowl*Salute: It was a joy and pleasure to read and review your poem Tony . Write On!
Michael
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Review of AN INDIAN'S DREAM  Open in new Window.
Review by mjp ink Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello *UmbrellaG* Sherri *UmbrellaG*. This review comes courtesy of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. Thank you for sharing your poem *Reading* An Indian's Dream. I hope my comments are as helpful as the rains are refreshing.

*UmbrellaB*Sprinkling: A thought-provoking poem expressing sorrow and anger at the loss of the freedom and culture of the Native American nations. Visually, I liked the dreamcatcher sig above and the squaw one below which suited the poem well. There is a mixture of sorrow at the losses of the natural land, animals, and cultures; and anger at the manner in which it was done. The first stanza felt very much in the past, the second is more in the present, and the third looks toward the future. Reading the poem I imagined a Native American elder woman speaking these words as narrator.

*UmbrellaR*Misty Mechanics: I didn't notice any spelling errors and don't mind seeing no punctuation at the end of lines of stanzas. The commas in the lines seemed to fit well with where pauses needed to be.

*UmbrellaP*Shower Soaker: I liked the vengeful anger in the first turning to an admittance that the resentment doens't just evaporate like morning dew. The third stanza ends with a statement of a new dream, now the old has been conquered and crushed, which I find very human and understandable. The reason for the anger is clearly evident with the treachery of broken promises resounding through the stanzas. Overall though, the anger was held in check rather than ever taking over. The rhythm and rhyme is quite good, though the last rhyming couplet didn't really work for me. I can imagine certain accents where these two words might rhyme.

It is sadly, a very similar story here in Australia, where some of the Aborigonal nations were completed wiped out. What have been lost are cultures and traditions that we are probably not yet fully appreciative of. Pride in native cultures has also been stripped, which you mentioned here in the first stanza with the loss of a nation's dignity. The bison you used in your poem seemed representative of the loss of the harmonious relationship with nature. Poems and stories like this remind me that we need to keep as much of these precious cultures alive.

*UmbrellaV*Cloudburst: The last couplet rhyming "obtained" with "indian" was a bit of a tough one. "Obtained" could be replaced by something like "begun" or "unison" or "given" depending on accent and a slight rewording. See what you think.

*UmbrellaV*Indian spirit discarded much as the trash you see today. The only thing that struck me is that here where you have spirit", I saw it more as culture, though I can understand why you would want to leave it.

*Sun*Gold Lining: I liked the progression in the last line of the stanzas from the loss of this Indian's dream to a people's dream to a new dream in the final stanza.

*Rainbowl*Afterglow:I enjoyed reading An Indian's Dream , your cultural poem, Sherri Gibson. Thought-provoking, sorrowful, and heart-felt. Write On!
Michael
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Review of Augie  Open in new Window.
Review by mjp ink Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello *UmbrellaG* Ali *UmbrellaG*. This review comes courtesy of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. Thank you for sharing your short story *Reading* Augie. I hope my comments are as helpful as the showers are refreshing.

*UmbrellaB*Sprinkling: I see this was written as a Writer's Cramp entry with guidelines for adopting a Vizsla named Augie. The story begins with Billy selecting Augie, instead of the more boisterous golden retrievers pups from the animal shelter. Billy and his mom take the puppy home and on the first night, Billy has a strange dream. Convinced by his dream, Billy drags his mum out into the night on what she suspects, is a wild Vizsla chase.

*UmbrellaR*Misty Mechanics: I know this was a 24 hour competition, but there was nothing technical that distracted me from the reading. Very well done. You make me feel very inefficient. *Smile*

*UmbrellaP*Shower Soaker: You met all these requirements and I liked how you made it about the boy, Billy, and his connection with the puppy. The selection of the quiet Vizsla ahead of the retriever pups showed a sensitivity in Billy which worked well in connection with the next dream sequence.

It reminds me of a friend of mine who went down to the local animal shelter and picked his dog Zero. She sat at the back while all the other dogs ran to the fence. Then, when they walked along the row and back, she was halfway up. While they talked she came up slowly, and he got down real low and she licked his hand. She was also an abused dog. This made this section with Billy and the puppy seem very realistic.

The dream sequence then showed a deep connection between the boy and his puppy. I felt a chill when I realised there might be another little puppy lying all alone in the woods. Then the mad dash out into the woods to humour the boy, until a fitting and happy resolution. Overall, it was an enjoyable and fluent read that became a little.. rushed maybe or over-enthusiastic, in the final section.

*UmbrellaV*Cloudburst: Billy could hear his mother crashing through the woods and screeching to a halt behind him. Screeching to a halt seemed more like a car than a person. That might just be me. Maybe just skidding?

*UmbrellaV*She stared at her son, her chest aching with eerie wonder and disbelief.A chest aching with eerie wonder and disbelief seemed a little odd. Okay, maybe just me again, but her chest could be aching and her mind filled with eerie wonder and disbelief.

*UmbrellaV*The puppy stopped barking and stood perfectly still, his eyes drilling holes into the boy’s chest. This is from the dream sequence. Again the chest. Wouldn't the puppy be looking at his eyes. Maybe you were signifying the heart, but dogs by nature look at people's faces, their eyes, so this felt less real and powerful than if he were boring his gaze into the back of Billy's skull.

*Sun*Gold Lining: The connection between Billy and the puppy was great and the dream sequence was very well done too. The final result of the search was most satisfying, without giving too much away.

*Rainbowl*Afterglow:I enjoyed reading Augie , your short story, Ali. Cute, mysterious, and heart-warming . Write On!
Michael
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Review of Fleeting  Open in new Window.
Review by mjp ink Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello *UmbrellaG* Mylyndoll *UmbrellaG*. This review comes courtesy of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. Thank you for sharing your adult drama *Reading* Nightlife. I hope my comments are as helpful as the water is warm.

*UmbrellaB* Sprinkler: A young couple, Zuri and Butch, have dinner at her grandmother's place with Zuri's family. The familiarity and comfort of her grandmother's house and hospitality fill Zuri with a sense of well being. Butch on the other hand, is unresponsive and increasingly belligerent. It was quite an effort for Suri to get there, but we don't find out about that till the twist at the end. Hehe. The descriptions of kitchen linoleum and figurines in the living room all helped to create to the picture of warmth and homeliness.

*UmbrellaR*Grammar Shampoo: There are a few missing words and punctuation marks. A spellcheck and proofread would find most of them.

e.g Zuri blindly made her way towards her mother’s chair as she sat with her arms outstretched to waiting to bring comfort. Might be an extra to, or a missing Zuri or her.

*UmbrellaR*“Zuri, let’s go! Get the baby and let’s go!” he about screamed as he strode out of the room, leaving her behind. I don't know if it's the about sceamed but it felt awkward. Maybe you could make it undirected speech such as below.

“Zuri, let’s go! Get the baby and let’s go!” Butch was red-faced and just about screaming as he strode out of the room, leaving her behind.

*UmbrellaP*Overall Sponge: Zuri was a very relatable character from the her chilk-like delight in the beginning, through her suppot of a self-righteous and threatening Butch, to her ultimate silent stupor.The dialog at dinner seemed very appropriate as it swiftly declined into conflict and accusations. It came across very realistic, particularly in Butch's actions and justifications. The family's support of Suri was all very believable and understandable. Really well done. The twist done through the dialog was excellent as the reality of Zuri's situation became apparent. The comparison between the trailer and the grandmother's house really worked well here. I felt it could have gone a little further though with the description, as it was just dirty dishes, a dripping faucet, and a half-loaf of stale bread. Overall, a very realistic and believable drama.

*UmbrellaV*Suggestion Splash: *UmbrellaV*Maybe in the trailer there could be some more evidence of Butch's errant ways. Some of Bruce's woodwork, maybe lying broken where he had thrown it or smashed it. Maybe some other evidence of him not looking after the baby properly, like a pile of dirty washing or nappies. Or even maybe a dirty crack pipe or empty beer cans or bag of weed or something like that, if you wanted to go further.

*Sun* Shower Shine: “I think you need to leave now, Butch!” Her dad stood up at the table, adjusting his pants as if gearing up for battle. Love the action here in the narrative. I could see it happening.

*Rainbowl*Complimentary Towel:I enjoyed, Fleeting, your drama story and loved the twist, Mylyndoll. Realistic, relatable, and surprising. Write On!
Michael
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Review of Monster Justice  Open in new Window.
Review by mjp ink Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello *UmbrellaG* Big Bad Wolf *UmbrellaG*. This review is from SHOWERING ACTS OF JOY. Thank you for allowing me to read your short story *Reading* Monster Justice. I hope my comments are helpful. Suggestions are intended for your consideration. Examples may be given to aid in explanations.

*UmbrellaB*First Impression: A very creative and imaginative idea to bring the different creatures together. The symbology of the dragon as judge, werewolf as a vigilante, gargoyle as policemen, and human as the main character and innocent party seemed appropriate. The latter, becuase it allowed some measure of relatability with the human's plight. I also liked the format of beginning with the crime scene, which created lots of questions, then using the flashback to unravel the story.

*UmbrellaR*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: Spelling and punctation were good.

*UmbrellaR*"However, just before he could chop James to pieces with a cleaver that he'd had in his hands,..."

he'd means he had, so here it ends up being "...that he had had in..." He is also a dragon, so whether you would want to change "hands" to "claws" or not is up to you. You could drop it altogether. E.G.

However, just before he could chop James to pieces with a cleaver that he held ready to strike..." or something like that.

*UmbrellaP*Suggestions: A couple of sentences seem a little long and could be broken up into shorter ones. The first sentence, which also seems to be missing the word evidenced, could be broken up and shortened:-

"In a large house owned by a prominent man, two men stand in the dining room looking at the motionless owner. He is dead, as evidenced by the end of a pointed horn coming out of his mouth and blood pooling on the floor."

*UmbrellaP* The names that you give at the end for all the characters are excellent. I only wish you had used them throughout the story or given a bit more description of the supernatural creatures.

*UmbrellaV*Overall Impression: Using flashbacks can be fraught with danger, but I quite liked the initial setup and then finding out how it came about. The main section could be fleshed out a little more with some description of James' grief. After learning of his fiance's death, James just goes and gets his gun. I could have related to James more, if I knew how much she meant to him. Overall, the series of events are good, but each could be extended and the tension built up a little more. The framework is there, but more imagery (sights, sounds, smells, James' thoughts) would allow me to step into the story and understand the main character better. In the end, justice prevails, vigilante justice, but it was an apt resolution for a monster story like this.

*Sun*Adoration: There is a good message in there too, about the sister seeing the werewolf as just another person, not a monster.

*Rainbowl*Felicitation: It was a joy and pleasure to read and review your monster story Big Bad Wolf. Write On!
Michael
mjp ink dreamscaper
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Review by mjp ink Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello *UmbrellaG* Webwitch *UmbrellaG*. This review is from SHOWERING ACTS OF JOY. Thank you for allowing me to read your story *Reading* One Busy Night In Chicago . I hope my comments are helpful. Suggestions are just that - suggestions. You are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and KEEP WRITING!

*UmbrellaB*First Impression: Great atmosphere and language use. I liked the little intro section, before getting into the narrative. There were some technical issues with it, but the feeling was good. I also liked Lou introdocuing himself at the beginning of the main narrative. That first paragraph was a peach. It did seem a bit too much "tell" and not enough "show" though - just in the early description of the dame, Gloria.

*UmbrellaR*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: The first sentence felt like it should end after "hood" with a period, rather than a comma. The last sentence also felt like it could then be added to the preceding statement. Rather than "very nervous", maybe a slightly changed version E.g.

Chicago, the windy city, where dark secrets lurk in the back alleys and wise guys rule the hood. I sat alone in my office, as I have done many nights after closing, when this wide-eyed young blonde barged into the room.

*UmbrellaP*Suggestions: Mainly, just more description. All the other elements are there, for me. Lou's a guy, and a detective, so have him describe what Gloria looked like, from a male detective's point of view. E.g.

I knew she was in a hurry cause she weren't wearing no gloves, see. She must have taken them off in the cab and forgotten to put them on. I could see where she had been chewing on her ruby red fingernails. She was a real cutie-pie; button nose, pointed chin, baby blues that could turn a man inside out. etc

*UmbrellaP* Little things he might notice about her that a gumshoe might to validate his character, such as - her silver shoes had splashes of mud that may have come from the alley, and, there were traces of dust on her blue coat where she might have bumped into the wall when she turned to flee in a hurry (a few little things he sees that make him believe her story). She might have been wearing a cheap perfume, showing she was not really high class, but trying to make her way up in the world.

*UmbrellaV*Overall Impression: The narrative and dialog are what make this story fun and interesting. The language was appropriate and the action was good. Once things started rolling, your descriptions were great. It was just that male perspective on women that wasn't quite visual enough for me. We notice hair, face, body shape, clothes. Being a private eye, you could bring it in like I have tried to give examples of, (as Lou is corroborating her story), displaying his talents as well. Overall, though, I enjoyed it and will get around to reading more of Lou's adventures when time permits.

*Sun*Adoration: Lou's introduction was fabulous. "So sit back, give them dogs a rest." was a classic and made me chuckle.

*Rainbowl*Felicitation: It was a joy and pleasure to read and review your story WebWitch. Write On!
Michael
mjp ink dreamscaper
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9
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Review by mjp ink Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello *UmbrellaG* Bikerider *UmbrellaG*. Call me Ishmichael.*Captainwheel* This review is from SHOWERING ACTS OF JOY. Thank you for allowing me to read your story *Reading* I'll Name Him Abel . I hope my comments are helpful. Suggestions are just that - suggestions. You are encouraged to follow your own instincts and always KEEP WRITING!

*UmbrellaB*First Impression: I liked the beginning sentence for the questions it raised. The sounds and smells of the sea in the first paragraph were effective as well. The picture of the old sailing ship helped to set the time period, and the wheel at the end framed the story nicely. The obvious affection of Abel for Catherine, and their early interactions made them seem real and relatable.

*UmbrellaR*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: There was the occasional use of an old obselete word, such as "waived". It was a little distracting, rather than enhancing, but I can appreciate why you used it for this time period. Some long sentences appear to be made up of stand-alone sentences. I will point out the ones I noticed below with suggestions.

*UmbrellaR*“Good morning, Captain.” Catherine said... Direct speech, so a comma instead of a period after Captain.

*UmbrellaR*“Captain! Captain, Abel.” Here I don't think you need a comma before Abel, but because of the urgency of the situation I would go for another exclamation mark as well. - “Captain! Captain Abel!”

*UmbrellaR*"Abel looked ahead, the dark billowing clouds were flashing with lightening..." [ should be lightning]

*UmbrellaP*Suggestions: "Looking into his dark eyes she saw gold specks that looked as if stars had been sprinkled in them, the ocean breeze rustled his dark curly hair, she pulled his jacket closed at his neck. " This could be broken up into a couple of sentences.

Looking into his dark eyes, she saw gold specks that looked as if stars had been sprinkled in them. The ocean breeze rustled his dark curly hair as she pulled his jacket closed at his neck. Or you could drop the "as" I suggested, and have two seperate sentences. - The ocean breeze rustled his dark curly hair. She pulled his jacket closed at his neck.

*UmbrellaP*"The winds were brisk and the Mary Bell moved gallantly through the gentle swells, Abel and the crew would settle into a routine of work and sleep."

"The winds were brisk as the Mary Bell moved gallantly through the gentle swells. Abel and the crew would soon settle into a routine of work and sleep.

*UmbrellaV*Overall Impression: Very enjoyable read. I was drawn in by the first section and felt concern for Abel. I thought the descriptions of the port, the ship, and the storm all came across as though written by someone with experience of the sea, ships, and sailing. Dialog was great and very realistic. Catherine's pregnancy made my concern for Abel even deeper. My only slight dissapointment was with Catherine's reaction when she saw the watch had stopped. Perhaps a physical reaction such as a harder sharper kick, rather than just she felt concern there. Overall, a most enjoyable read, and I can see why you won 2nd prize in the "Stories of the Sea" contest. A little tidying up it would be a 1st prize winner, for sure!

*Sun*Adoration: "He lazed in bed as reality separated itself from sleep, and dawn quietly slipped into the room through the open window."

*Rainbowl*Felicitation: It was a joy and pleasure to read and review your story bikerider. Write On!
Ish-Michael *Anchor*
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10
10
Review by mjp ink Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello *UmbrellaG* Who Me *UmbrellaG*. Yes. You! This review is from SHOWERING ACTS OF JOY. Thank you for allowing me to read your poem*Reading* The Race For Coffee . I hope my comments are helpful. Suggestions are just that - suggestions. You are encouraged to follow your own instincts and always KEEP WRITING!

*UmbrellaB*First Impression: A great fun poem of trying to lose 10 lbs by giving up your coffee fix. The first part of losing weight is the easiest - it's mainly just water. The body is then more reluctant to give up its reserves of .... energy. Good rhyme through the most part. Some stanzas had great rhythm. A couple were not quite as fluent.

*UmbrellaR*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: "Giving up my, beloved coffee." I found it a better rhythm with the comma before the "my".

Giving up, my beloved coffee.

*UmbrellaP*Suggestions: The rhyming of "scale" with "tell" and "hell". Every other rhyming couplet was great. Scale, to me rhymes with tail. It's a two syllable word. To get "tell" and "hell" to rhyme was a stretch. Could be done, but broke the fluency.

"So the next morning first thing I jumped on the scale
Yippee, Hurray, I now have a story to tell"

You could rhyme "scale" with "tale", and rearranging;

So first thing next morning, I jumped on the scale
Yippee! Hooray! Now have I got a tale.

Similarly with the rhyme in stanza 4. If you had a second last syllable of "ay" before "hell" or "tell", the rhyme would be smoother. See what you think.

*UmbrellaV*Overall Impression: It was a good story poem and inspirational as well. I can certainly sympathize with the person wanting their coffee fix, and the frustration when all the hard work on the treadmill didn't seem to be paying off. The rhythm was affected by the numerics like "2 1/2 lbs". I think they should be written as you would say them - "two and a half pounds" or "2 and a 1/2 lbs" - again, for fluency. Overall, I enoyed, but a little tinkering and editing would improve it.

*Sun*Adoration: All the hard work and being rewarded with the white chocolate latte.

*Rainbowl*Felicitation: It was a joy and pleasure to read and review your item Who Me. Write On!
Michael
mjp ink dreamscaper
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11
11
Review of Empty Vessel  Open in new Window.
Review by mjp ink Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello *UmbrellaG* Amay *UmbrellaG*. This review is from SHOWERING ACTS OF JOY. Thank you for allowing me to read your poem/writing *Reading* Empty Vessel . I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always KEEP WRITING!

*UmbrellaB*First Impression: I think I'm like the woman in the shop. Still trying to understand some aspects of the "empty vessel" analogy. It could be my head is a bit of an... empty vessel.. . but maybe as I think it through it will dawn on me. The story was easy to read and interesting but although descriptions of the process were given I would have liked to have been given a description of the potter himself and more of the shop. I didn't really get a connection to him or the woman.

*UmbrellaR*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: "He created a visual display, showing each step of the process from the beginning to the final product was documented with samples in the display." - Something in this sentenece seems to read wrong. I think there is an unneccessary verb, either "showing" or "was". I'm not sure about "documented" either. There is an archaic meaning of documented or document which is to teach or provide proof/evidence yet it seems more to do with documents or papers. I can accept it here as evidence. Below I have provided two examples of how this sentence appeared to read better for me . You might find a better one or want to stick with this one.Your choice of course.

*UmbrellaP*Suggestions: 1) "He created a visual display; each step of the process from the beginning to the final product was documented with samples in the display." (dropping the showing)

*UmbrellaP* 2) "He created a visual display with samples showing each step of the process from the beginning to the final product." (dropping the "was" and "documented", and bringing the "with samples" to the near the beginning makes it much simpler)

*UmbrellaV*Overall Impression: I think my confusion stems from the purpose of showing all the steps in the process of making the vase. These could be meant to represent the stages of molding a person. So let me stick with that analogy. The person begins as a lump of clay. Under guidance from a master or teacher or even just through interaction with others they are progressively molded into a finished prodcut. Here it is a work of art - a pottery vase. Maybe this could be equated to a graduate or just someone reaching adulthood. What the person then does with that knowledge or learning is then what fills the empty vessel. Overall I didn't quite get drawn into the story but I think the message is a good one. It may have benefited from things like when the master potter sat down to explain things "his kind blue eyes seemed to bore right into me". Giving a description of things in the shop and the potter would have allowed me to step into the world rather than see it from a distance.

*Sun*Adoration: I liked the final message and the humility of the master potter.

*Rainbowl*Felicitation: It was a joy and pleasure to read and review your story Amay. It certainly made me think. Write On!
Michael
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Review by mjp ink Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello *UmbrellaG* Nikola *UmbrellaG*. This review is from SHOWERING ACTS OF JOY. Thank you for allowing me to read your story *Reading* The Nutcracker Sweet . I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always KEEP WRITING!

*UmbrellaB*First Impression: I liked the title which is a play on the Tchaichovsky ballet. I have also written a short story by the same name which is what drew me to it. Although the stories were completely different, we did apply the title in the same manner. Oomf! I enjoyed the second paragraph as a good introduction - the first line of it said it all, and more. This made me curious about the note and its implications.

*UmbrellaR*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: Let me read again because there weren't any glaring errors that distracted me from the reading. All techincal aspects looked pretty good to me.... Here is the one thing I found. Just a missing quotation mark from the beginning of this line of speech -

The necklace says that it wants to be with you. There is something else here you yet seek."

*UmbrellaP*Suggestions: I liked the second paragraph as the intro rather than the first paragraph of two sentences. Placing the first paragraph after the paragraph where Darla is sick in the bathroom would fit better in terms of time-frame. Note: This is a male perspective.

*UmbrellaP*The very last line could be shifted up to fit with the rest of the last paragraph but that's a very minor visual thing.

*UmbrellaV*Overall Impression: I enjoyed the tone of the story and felt sympathy for the main protagonist, Darla. I like how you used the prompt of the "Trail of Painted Ponies" sculpture and the visit to the Native American shop. The old man had genuine substance and mystical appeal. Dialog was natural and appropriate. Overall, a good story that held my interest and was easy to read. A fitting (though eye-watering) retribution and final resolution.

*Sun*Adoration: I liked the old man. Good description that gave enough and allowed the reader to fill in the rest. My favourite line was; "It was one of those funky out-of-the-way places she so loved."

*Rainbowl*Felicitation: It was a joy and pleasure to read and review your story, Nikola. Write On!
Michael
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Review of Breaths  Open in new Window.
Review by mjp ink Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Timenspace . It was my pleasure to read and review your poem:

*Reading* Breaths

*Apple*Attraction: I saw your post on the Noticing Newbies page and came to have a look at your first post.

*CoffeeV*Impression: Congratulations on your first poem here! I liked the essence of it and the imagery. The rhyme is good but the rhythm changes a little here and there and the flow is slightly disrupted.

*Inlove*Adoration: Favourite part was the way you ended as though that last breath had just been taken mid-sentence.

*Idea*Suggestion: Check your syllable count and say the poem out loud. First stanza has 6 syllables in the first line. 2nd stanza 1st line has only 5 syllables and this requires an adjustment in the reading that affects the fluency. It is relatively easy to fix. For example: "I see the flowers" (5 syllables) could be changed to;

"I can see the flowers" (6 syllables) which then sets up this stanza in the same meter as the previous one.

*Cool*Felicitation: Good writings to you. Write On!
Michael
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Review of Hunter of Souls  Open in new Window.
Review by mjp ink Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Green Dragon . It was my pleasure to read and review your work:

*Reading* Hunter of Souls

*Bird*Attraction: I saw your on piece in the AutoRewards section and the title interested me enough to want to read the story.

*CoffeeR*Impression: The beginning was good, very normal and made the character likeable and relatable. I enjoyed your vision of Hell and Venator. It was nice and graphic and full of imagery. Michael's death or accident was a little vague though and the battle has not really begun but it would be interesting to see what occured next.

*Cool*Adoration: Favourite part was the vision of a fiery hell.

*Idea*Suggestion: Punctuation was a little distracting. For example:

"What was that" he exclaimed to himself as he came skidding to a halt in the middle of the intersection?

A question needs a question mark there at the end of the speech and not the end of the sentence. "What was that?" he exclaimed....

*Yinyang*Felicitation: Good writings to you. Write On!
Michael
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Review of Dust Bunny  Open in new Window.
Review by mjp ink Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Helviblu . It was my pleasure to read and review your poem:

*Reading* Dust Bunny

*Apple*Attraction: I saw your on poem on the Auto Rewards Page. Great title for a childrens poem. That drew me in and made me want to read it.

*CoffeeV*Impression: Good rhythm and rhyme which is essential for a children's book. The language is appropriate for children as well. Overall it flowed well and was full of fun and adventure.

*Inlove*Adoration: Favourite parts were Vac the Invader and the Rug-Bug stanzas.

*Idea*Suggestion: I liked the color changes in the text at the beginning and through the middle but visually the last was over-colored in comparison. The stanza with Vac the invader was well colored having the menace line and Vac the Invader in black. That seemed the most effective without distracting from the words, it helped to enhance them. My suggestion would be to set the last stanza with the same amount of different color.

*Cool*Felicitation: Good writings to you. Write On!
Michael
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Review by mjp ink Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello glowbaby. It was my pleasure to read and review your romantic draft.

*Reading* Velvet Hall

*Apple*Attraction: I saw your request on the Request Review Page. I liked the title. That drew me in and made me want to read the story.

*CoffeeG*Impression: I could certainly relate to the feelings of shyness around girls at school. I could always talk to them but expressing feelings for them was a different thing. I like the questioning and the character searching for expression. Overall the vunerability and lack of self esteem are relatable and make the character likeable for his human flaws. The part where you were putting notes in the cheerleader's locker and watching her read them - That's what brings the reader into the story. I was watching you peeking around the corner watching her or in the cafeteria reading the note.

*Inlove*Adoration: Favourite part was "My thoughts revolved around her as planets to a star. "

*Idea*Suggestion: Words like wont and cant need apostraphes. Anytime there is a missing letter it is a contraction and needs one.

Wont = won't - (will not). Cant = can't - (cannot).

*Yinyang*Felicitation: Good writings to you. Write On!
Michael
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Review by mjp ink Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello rtomasthompson. It was my pleasure to read and review your short story:

*Reading* When the sun goes down

*Yinyang*Attraction: I saw your story on the Auto Rewards page and the title together with the description convinced me to read it.

*CoffeeV*Impression: I had a bit of a love-hate relationship with this piece. I liked the opening line, but I'm not sure that it is correct grammar. The story itself was insightful and at times touching but the glut of adjectives made it awkward to read, (having to reread sentences to work out where one collection-of-words adjective finished and the next started). Overall though, I enjoyed the evolution of the character, the reason for her change, the timelessness of sitting in the porch rocker and how she dealt with the end of the day.

*Inlove*Adoration: Favourite part was the last line which showed how suddenly, unexpectedly and even painlessly sunset had come.

*Idea*Suggestion: Some sentences are just too confusing and it needs a rewrite in simpler languge.

For example, "Still, awe insinuated my kept mystery behind the cabinet doors of those beautiful brown eyes of his, before closing, today." was difficult to understand.

The final line of yours shows how it should be done. Simple, yet effective;

"One of John’s shoes was off; the other one was unlaced."

*Peace*Felicitation: Good writings to you. Write On!
Michael
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Review by mjp ink Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello avante garde. It was my pleasure to read and review your historical poem. *Reading*

*Yinyang*Attraction: I found your poem among the Auto-Rewards and "The Solitary Creeper" was a good title that sounded like a lone scout and made me want to read.

*Fleurdelis*Impression: I do enjoy story-poems and here were all the elements of a romantic mediaeval tragedy. Your use of old style English phrases and words helped to set the scene and transported me to the poem's realm. A fun and interesting story that peaked at the crossroads of choice and consequence. The difficulty with telling a story within the confines of the rhyme make it extremely tricky to satisfy both simultaneously. There are some parts here where the rhyme and story both flowed. The fluctuation in the rhyme pattern is what seems to be affecting the rhythm and ease of reading in other places.

*Inlove*Adoration: Favourite parts were the last lines in the first 2 stanzas.
"to the clash of egos and might." and "the end of the story had begun!"

*Idea*Suggestion: Say the poem out loud. Words like "daughter" and "laughter" have similar spelling but one rhymes with "mortar" and the other with "after". Out of the 21 rhyming couplets only 2 weren't natural rhymes but it disrupted the reading in these places.

*RainbowR*Felicitation: Good writings to you. Write On!
Michael
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Review by mjp ink Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello dean. It was a pleasure to read and review your comedy. *Reading*

*Yinyang*Attraction: I found your story on the Sponsored Items page and chose it because the title made me curious to know about the latest man in the world.

*CoffeeV*Impression: A good idea around which to wind an amusing story. I can relate to being late as I used to be late all the time and had lots of excuses too. There were some funny parts and the tone is light and relatively easy to read, though sometimes the sentence construction and punctuation make a reread of lines necessary. I liked the ending which got better and better in the wake of Hal's lateness following him after his demise.

*Inlove*Adoration: Favourite part was Hal's surprise early day for work.

*Idea*Suggestion: The three lines starting with But - I don't think they need the But at all.

*Idea* I thought you could have gone a little more imaginative or fantastic with the excuses. I like the ones you have - they provide the plausible (choking, heart attack), the impossible (the electric buses) but I was expecting something a little crazy like "a man was killed by a falling turtle and I had to get the turtle to the creek quickly." or "I told a joke that was so funny my best friend died of laughter and I just had to write it down". They are actually two ways that old Greek philosophers were reported to have died. You can use things like crazy real world events and change them to suit you.

*Cool*Felicitation: Good writings to you. Write On!
Michael
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Review of The Run  Open in new Window.
Review by mjp ink Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello joefc. It was a pleasure to read and review your personal short story. *Reading*

*Blush*Attraction: I found this story under Auto Rewards and the title and description together were enough to make me choose it to read.

*Flower1*Impression: I could feel the pain as one hill was surmounted only for another rise up behind it. You have a good command of English and though the hills were difficult to traverse, your story wasn't. An appropriate analogy for life.

*Heart*Adoration: Favourite part was the introductory paragraph. It set the scene for the remainder of the run.

*Idea*Suggestion: Some of the sentences are a bit long. They could be cut up into shorter ones. E.G.:-

"The ascent was relentless, I had just started and I was already in distress."

could be

"The ascent was relentless. I had just started and was already in distress."

*Cool*Felicitation: Good writings to you. Write On!
Michael
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Review of Stone Pillar  Open in new Window.
Review by mjp ink Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Snow Lake . It was my pleasure to have read and reviewed your story. *Reading*

*Wink*Attraction: I found your story on page 990 of the most recently modified auto-rewards. I liked the title and the description made me curious to read it.

*Idea*Impression: I enjoyed the story of the girl's transformation as she progressed from a childish and innocent view to a more worldly and realistic one. There was also a nice transition from the girl to the story to the girl in the story.

*Heart*Adoration: Favourite part was the reflection of the transformation in the colors of the autumn leaves.

*Blush*Suggestion: This may be just me, but instead of "- life is cruel." I would have liked something that showed life isn't always cruel. Eg: "- life can be cruel." See what you think.

*GiftB* Felicitation: Good writings to you. Write On!
Michael
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Review by mjp ink Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Crimson. It was my pleasure to read, rate and review your work. *Reading*

*Wink*Attraction: I saw your message on the Noticing Newbies page and checked out your bio and found this is your first item posted here. Congratulations!

*Idea*Impression: I related to the feeling of betrayal expressed. It hurts even more when that betrayal comes at the hands of the people you care for the most.
English may be your second language but you display a good command of it.

*Heart*Adoration: Favourite part was the two rhyming lines in the last stanza

*Blush*Suggestion: Continuing to interact, reading other writer's work and loads of practice will increase your English skills, your writings' depth and relatability and ultimately your ability to communicate with a wider audience.

*Flower3*Felicitation: Good writings to you. Welcome and Write On!
Michael
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Review of That's It  Open in new Window.
Review by mjp ink Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Sunshine Storm. It was a pleasure to read and review your work. *Reading*

*Wink*Attraction: I saw your story on the Flash Fiction competition page and feeling the last straw snap in your title, I was intrigued to see the repercussions.

*Idea*Impression: I think you caught perfectly that immediate anger and frustration and need for action when our homes have been violated. It was a nice change of heart when she saw the baby raccoons. A very natural reaction though it was unexpected and caught me by surprise.

*Heart*Adoration: Favourite part was Joan finding the baby raccoons and her softheartedness shining through.

*Blush*Suggestion: There are two exclamations exactly the same. The second "she yelled in frustration" isn't necessary. It could be changed or just left out.

*Flower2*Felicitation: Good writings to you. Write On!
Michael
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