\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dreamflight
Review Requests: OFF
29 Public Reviews Given
128 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Kate B Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Shadows of the night
Lithe dark forms of graceful ways
Singing to the moon.


This was the best verse...but "lithe dark forms of graceful ways" doesn't sound right. Forms are not 'of' ways.

Singing solemnly
Their songs of saddening days
Cause the world to mourn.


You used the word "singing" in the last verse - use variety. Also, if they're singing, we can assume they're singing 'songs'. Tunes, melodies...don't be afraid to use your thesaurus.

They care for their young
And honor the elderly.
Gracefully as stars.


Do stars care for their young and honour the elderly? And do they do it gracefully? If so, I've never seen them. *Wink*
Also, you use gracefully in the first verse. Mix it up a little.

Living as wonders
Even in death remember
Love and honor all.


This confuses me a little bit. Even in death, the wolves remember to love and honour all? Or does this mean, "Even in death, remember the wolves"? And there's that word repetition again - "honor". In the last verse, you said they honoured the elderly...now you're saying they honour all. Watch out for inconsistencies like this. *Wink*

Hope this helped!

Kayte
2
2
Review by Kate B Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Cool idea behind this, overall it's nicely done...just needs a bit of touching up here and there, mostly with syllable count and meter - just technical stuff.

Sometimes I wish I could write well,
every word stirring the way I felt.
I wish I could say all the right things,
that would make my lovers heart sing.

God knows I've tried hard to love,
and only because it comes from above.
But somehow I never seem to get it right, (The meter seems off to me, here)
and soft spoken words turn into fights. (Either this line has too few syllables, or the line above it has too many.)

So I run for the paper, and grab a pen,
that in case I forget, I'll write it again.
And the right words pour out, like sweat on a brow,
"she'll understand this time", it boosts my morale. (capitalize "she'll"...and "boosts my morale"? I guess it works, but it seems forced to me for some reason.)

Then I fold up my arms, after all the entries,
only to feel my heart's still empty. (to fix the meter, you need a word between still and empty...I guess you could take out the contraction for hearts and insert an "is" there...?)
So back to my journal, with determination,
because I'm sure there is an explanation.

"Now it seems right, I've got it this time,
where's the envelope to mail this new rhyme?" (one too many syllables...)
And one last examination, before sealing it shut,
always doubting if I've said enough.

Put the stamp on the front, address and all,
then off to the mailbox, that hangs on the wall.
Behind curtains I see the postman came,
"surely this will bring back love again." (again, sentences begin with capitals)

I smile each day waiting for a reply,
but they come and go, and I never know why.
"What's taking so long, I've written so well?"
I think I've said all there is to tell. (need one more syllable)

And months went by,and still no answer, (you switch tenses here, try "months go by"...also the meter is off in this line and the one below, maybe try "And months go by and there still is no answer, so I get the nerve up to call her and ask her")
so I got up the nerve to call and ask her. (same as above, "I get up")
"I love you and miss you, but I'm still not sure,"
So it's back to my pen and searching for words.

Oh how I wish I could say it right,
after all she was, the love of my life.
I never have felt so sure of this,
I knew it all after our first kiss.

And if this sounds a little bit like you,
you know what I mean, you love struck fool.
I can't say for you, but I have no regrets,
what little she gave me, was truly the best.

So until the day they stop making paper,
I'll continue to write these imperfect letters. (letters and paper don't really rhyme...which is inconsistent with the rest of the poem...)
With hope that somehow, I'll find what to say,
write just the right words, just the right way. (need one more syllable..."in just the right way"?)

And one day I know, the mailman will come,
I'll throw on my shoes, break into a run.
At the mailbox I'll pause, with a tear in my eye,
Because I found the right words and my lover replied.

Nicely done!
3
3
Review by Kate B Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
The poem was pretty good, but I have a couple of technical things for you...I'll go through the poem and point them out as I do. *Smile*

Oh my love, how do I feel?
My heart aches, because it's real.
Soon your home and I will try, (your should be "you're", because you're not saying that the home belongs to her)
To make you see why I'm alive.

When someone touchs, deep within, (touches)
you try the best to get in. (try the best to get in...where? And it should be "try YOUR best"...the best is something not really said in the English language unless you're talking about something, "This ice cream is the best!")
But when they hide , you try some more, (Comma directly after hide...no space)
because your heart ,says your not sure. (No comma at all. And it's "you're" again)

God it does, feel so right, (No comma.)
I knew it all , that first night. (Take out the comma and insert "on" in its place)
When we made love, it all revealed,
the way she felt, the way I feel.

So here I am, and no reply,
but still I sit and wonder why.
I did it right, I know I did.
should I tell myself, she was kidding?

No,I know, the answers true. (space after the comma)
it is in fact, me and you. (needs another syllable...how about "It is, in fact, just me and you."?)
So why I wait and be so blue? (Should be "why do I wait"...and "be so blue" sounds awkward...maybe you should rewrite this sentence)
Only time will tell it's due. (no apostraphe in it's)

Women have such a difficult time,
knowing we won't leave them behind. (needs another syllable..."Knowing we'll never leave them behind"?)
So that's why I say, It's really true, (Take out the "so", you don't need it.)
because there is me, and there is you. (Take out the because, you need that even less.)

That being said, I'll call you real soon, (take out the "real" in front of the soon)
the time is right, and it's a full moon. (You don't need the "and")
I'll sing you a song, you won't forget,
and tuck you in safe, cause I'm in your head.

But when you awake, I'll still be there,
and once and for all, you know I care.
So sleep my little dreamer, I won't be late,
this is our first and very last date.


I hope this helps!!

Kayte
4
4
Review by Kate B Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Good work on this poem, you paint vivid images of death and loss with your words. In a couple places, the rhythm or meter is off, though...I'll see if I can point them out for you.

The London bombings, seven, seven, three years ago,
For some, the time has flown, for others it has gone slow.

This one has meter problems for me. I read it through a couple of times and couldn't seem to get the inflection right...is the stress only on certain words?

Daily they’re tormented by thoughts of what might have been,
As if it happened yesterday, they can still see the scene.

This is the only place where your ending words don't rhyme...it threw something off for me, but if you want to keep it, that's fine.

Broken bodies and shattered minds that still disturb sleep,
Misery moved into lives, futures crumpled in a heap.

The last line has one extra syllable. Try inserting "their" in front of "sleep" in the first line.

Are nightmares, for they are frequently haunted by the screams.

Just switch around frequently and are. It does wonders for the meter. *Smile*

Even in bright sunshine people say that they feel chilled,
Graphically remember how the fifty-two were killed.

I think this part is my favorite. Great job with it!

On prosthetic limbs, five months later, walked up the aisle,
She married, overcame adversity, regained her smile.

The last line has one more syllable, and there should be a subject in front of "walked", not after...if you insert a "she" in front of walked, that'll fix both problems.

London’s busy centre has bravely found its own way
To carry on, not give in, especially today.

I'd put an "and" after the "to carry on"...it makes it flow without that jagged-sounding break for the comma.

Broken bodies and shattered minds and yet we remain
Strong in the face of fear, our hearts terror will never gain.

This confused me a little...in the last line are you saying "our hearts will never gain terror?" It sounds kind of awkward. The meter's a little off, too...I'd rewrite it as,

"Broken bodies, shattered minds, and yet we will remain
Standing strong in face of fear and laughing at the pain."

These are just my opinions, feel free to ignore what you like! Apart from the few discrepencies, you did a good job!

Kayte
5
5
Review by Kate B Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
It's me again *Smile*

As each day slowly passes by
All they see of me is smiles --- put in a one-syllable word here. "All they can see of me is smiles"?
I laugh, I talk, and they think I’m fine --- take out the "and"
The truth is safely buried inside --- change to "buried, safe", it takes care of the inconsistent syllable count

I can never concentrate
I’m always dreaming -- too abrupt, change to something more like "It feels like I am always dreaming"
I feel like I’m trapped --- hmm...this line needs work, I'd say something like "Trapped inside my walled-in mind"...something that begins with "Trapped" anyway, rather than ending with it.
In my mind I am screaming --- Need to remedy this as well to give it a better flow, "Inside I am forever screaming", perhaps? You may be able to think of a better one than I can. *Smile*

Sometimes I just need -- take out the just
To break down and cry -- add the just here, in front of the sentence (I don't know why, but it makes it sound better)
Each smile gets faker
It gets harder to lie -- one too many syllables...try "And it's harder to lie"

In the dark I lie there -- needs another syllable. "In the dark I lie, silent"
And feel my heart break
My cold paranoia
Always keeps me awake -- for some reason the inflection is off...a simple switch can fix that, "Keeps me always awake".

I want to talk to someone
But no one is there -- need one more syllable, "No one's ever there"?
Who would bother to listen?
And who would even care? -- take out the "and"

I don’t get stuff done
And I’m not energetic
I’ll just sit there -- don't say "there" without specifying where, it's too abstract. "I'll sit by myself"?
So apathetic -- nnn...don't say "so", I went over this in the last thing I reviewed, it's filler. *Wink* Find a verb.

So I live and love -- I know the "so" is different in this case, but take it out anyway because it messes up the count, lol.
And slowly die
And smile
As each day slowly passes by -- even out the rhythm on this line and the previous one.
"And smile as each day
Slowly passes by".

There y'go! I like the idea behind this poem, it really paints a picture of someone who longs to take off their "mask", if you will, but is almost afraid to reveal it to the world. He feels like he can't escape from the world, but also lonely. Good start!

~ Kayte ~
6
6
Review of timeless  Open in new Window.
Review by Kate B Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like this, it has a feel to it that seems...desperate, almost. You convey your message well.

Couple of technical aspects...the spacing you have works, but it's slightly more common to space it by rhyme, for example:

As days move on I stay behind,
Looking for what no one finds,
I sleep and wake but do not move,
I’m trapped within this timeless groove,

If you don't want to do it that way, though, that's fine.

A couple points where punctuation can be improved:

looking for what no one finds, (ends a sentence, should be a period)
I’m trapped within this timeless groove, (also period)
we eat we drink we’ll die some day, (also period)
and this is noticed not by one, (period)
the pain I’ve done will never cease, (period)
but my life yet rearranged, (needs a comma in between "life" and "yet")
Headstrong I try to prove, (no comma, no period...nothing)
but I was left to fall apart, (period)

There was only one place I noticed a syllable inconsistency, and that was here:

Headstrong I try to prove, that in the end I will not move,

You need one more syllable before the first comma (which shouldn't be there, lol).

Aaand...one more thing.

the pain I’ve done will never cease,

The pain I've "done"? Not exactly sure what that means, maybe replace it with "The pain I've caused"...or "the pain I've had", or you could take out the "the" and use something like "Pain I've endured will never cease"...something like that.

Your poem has a beautiful darkness to it and tells its story eloquently. Good job!

~ Kayte ~
7
7
Review of Therefore I Cry  Open in new Window.
Review by Kate B Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is an interesting poem...your syllable count stays pretty consistent which is good, but the first verse sounds a bit...stilted, almost, to me.

I wish I told you how I felt.
My heart did melt.
All I could see
Was your great plea.

There were two places it sounded off: First is, "My heart did melt." The "did" makes the line sound like an antiquated form of speech. I know it's difficult sometimes to find words that fit without throwing off the syllable count, but you may want to see if you could find a different option there.

Second is in this line..."Was your great plea." The adjective "great" doesn't sound right at all, I'd find a different one to use.

The other verses are pretty good and work well.

- Kayte -
8
8
Review by Kate B Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Okay, I'm going to put parentheses beside anywhere I see something that could be better. This isn't criticism per se; more like construction. =)

Guide to my abbreviations:
SP - spelling error
SI - syllable inconsistency
(My two most common, haha.) Anything else will be explained.

She entrers the wood (SP: enters)
Her dress so white (suggestion: "dress shines white")
The tree's so dark (should be trees, no apostrophe - use something other than "so", example: the trees loom, dark)
The moon so bright (use something other than "so", like a verb perhaps; example: "the moon burns bright")

She hears the distant howls of Them
The creatures of gruesome myths she'd heard (SI. Suggestion; "The beasts of gruesome myths she's heard")
She started to run so silently (tense change, should be "starts to run")
wishing she'd grow wings and fly like a bird. (SI. Suggestion; "She wants to grow wings, to fly like a bird")

She'd enterd the wood to save her love (SP: entered)
He had been doomed since the night before (Feels a little awkward. Suggestion: "But he'd fallen the night before")
He'd given up, he couldnt keep running (Also feels a bit awkward to me. Suggestion: "He couldn't hide, nor could he run)
And into his sweet flesh the creatures tore (Take out the "and" and the "sweet"...they seem a little out of place to me)

The girl had stopped to catch a breath
She swore she heard something behind her beathing (SP: breathing) (SI. Suggestion: She heard something behind her, breathing)
Her face drained of blood as she turned and saw
A monster with a bone on which he was teething (SI. Hmm...I'm not sure what I would do to this sentence. Perhaps "A monster with bones on which it was teething"? You may find a better way to fix that.)

(From here on, you switched from the tense that you'd had in the first verse. In the first, you had present tense (words that meant they were happening right then): "enters", "hears"...then you switched to a past tense: "had stopped" "turned and saw"

She tried to scream but she was muted by fear (take out the second "she")
The creature loomed over her, its breath so fowl (This is technically correct, but the inflection with which it is read makes it seem off. Try this instead: "The creature loomed over; its breath was so foul)
It dropped the bone and bared its teeth (Suggestion: Dropping the bone, it bared long, sharp teeth)
And murmed a low, threatening growl (SP: murmured) (I would change the word "murmured" to something more sinister. Look in a thesaurus, they do help.) (Put an "and" in between the "low" and "threatening")

The creature took her arm in a firm, clawed grip (Creatures don't really just "take" peoples arms in grips, do they? I'd try something more vivid; perhaps: "The creature lashed out with it's long bloody claws"...which would instantly mark it as A. dangerous and B. having recently made a meal of something else...her lover, perhaps.)
The girl fainted and fell towards it (Don't use "fainted". Use other words to tell what happened. I'd say a good replacement would be "The girl grew pale, fell to the ground)
The beast ripped her arm right out or its socket (SP: of, not or) (SI. Too many words here. I don't think you need to say "right out of its socket" - I think what I would use here is "Tearing her arm with a single pull" - and this would lead into the next sentence, so check my correction for there as well)
And into the warm, bleeding flesh it bit (Take out the "and" and the "warm", and you have a good second part for the previous sentence; which would make the whole thing, "Tearing her arm with a single pull, into the bleeding flesh it bit)

Hot blood spurted from the wound (This is just a tune-up, but I'd use "Blood spurted hotly from the wound"; this fixes both the syllable inconsistency and makes the sentence flow much better)
The creature let out a howl, long and deep (The adjectives don't fit very well behind the word in this case. Try this: "The creature's howl was long and deep.")
Others alike it gathered around (Not others "alike"...others "like". And the "around" makes it sound kind of stilted; you should replace that with "gathered 'round" to make it more consistent)
To watch the girl bleed in her endless sleep (Take out the "her")

The creature took one final bite (I think you've used the word "creature" a little too much. Try finding synonyms. You've only used "monster" once, right? Maybe that would be good here.)
And threw the corpse to the others to eat (Throw in a one-syllable adjective before "corpse". "White"? "Pale"? )
The creatures clawed at her fleash and feasted (SP: flesh) (This doesn't sound altogether right to me...it sounds a bit better like this: "The beasts attacked her flesh, clawing)
Till the girl's bones lay there in helpless defeat (replace "the girl's" with "her" and, good work!"


Sorry if that was too long! I tend to get carried away sometimes. This is a good start, make some changes and it'll be even better. Cheers!

Asphyxia
9
9
Review of The Red Moon  Open in new Window.
Review by Kate B Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like this one a lot. Blood moons are a personal fascination of mine - I've also written some poetry on the subject but I haven't put any here yet..."The Lady's light shines with death", what a lovely way to put it.

In this line: "As the Lady tales her tale of death, to the forest". It should be "As the Lady tells", not "tales".

Another thing I noticed...you overuse the phrase "tale of death". I found three times.

"As the ones who know her light shines with a tale tonight, a tale of death"
"On this cursed night, her tale is that of death"
"As the Lady tales her tale of death, to the forest"

I found that repetitive. You may want to either cut down on this phrase, or find a different way to state it.

Also you have the words "death" and "tale" used six times each - also repetitive, but if you cut down on the "tale of death" that will help take care of those as well.

And the last repetition, which wasn't as pronounced as the others. "Cursed night" - you have this twice. Since you'd already told us that the night was cursed in this line:
"As the sorrow of one, becomes the tale of many anew on this cursed night"
you didn't need to repeat it in this line:
"As the one to lose a life this night, sees the tale on the water, on a night so cursed as this".

It would be very good if you just cut down on the repetition. Try a thesaurus - they're very handy when you want to think of a way to state something differently! Write on.

- Dreamflight the madly long reviewer
10
10
Review by Kate B Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I like it! It's an original kind of vampire story, and I like the perspective it's written from. It would have more of a professional feel to it if all the sentences were captitalized and the punctuation correct (sorry, I know it's kind of insignificant, but I'm a grammar freak)...but the storyline is good. It's a little abrupt in some places, like when he says "I'm a vampire." I think it would be more dramatic if she slowly gathered that rather than having him just tell her.

Good start! Keep writing!
11
11
Review by Kate B Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Ooh, I like it. Paints a lovely picture of the simple things in life...
This is my favorite line:
"It’s the idea of creativeness mixed with imagination
Of our wonderlands and my own utopia"
Nice free verse! I think in this line "My family of love me", you mean "My family to need me". Remedied easily enough. Check some of my stuff out when you have the time. =)

- Dreamflight
12
12
Review of Moonlight Love  Open in new Window.
Review by Kate B Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Don't forget to rate your writing. This is not an "Everyone" poem. I would say at least 18+.
It's...descriptive, but in a couple of places the meter is inconsistent. My favorite part is the title, "Moonlight Love" was a really beautiful choice.
13
13
Review of Love Is  Open in new Window.
Review by Kate B Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
This isn't bad, but the transitions are a bit rough and sometimes the words don't really match up with what they're being compared to - for example "Family is dreams". I'm not sure how families would be compared to dreams. And "Feelings are love". What if the feeling in question was hate? Would hate be love?
It was nice, though, because it redeemed itself with the ones that did make sense. =)
13 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dreamflight