Good insight into the problems a couple of girls face when out for a simple drink after work. Painted a picture of their lives very well and made them believable. All building up to their final submission at the end.
I have only one suggestion for you:
Yeah, ‘cept for the problems. (you may consider defining the problems, for instance "Yeah, ‘cept for a couple of problems." or something like that)
Refreshing look at the age old accepted stories. Which I like very much. I have the following comments/observations:
1. All in good humor and saintly hood (sainthood)
2. humor and saintly hood(,) each omnipotent
3. Some of the sentence construction you use means that the message is somewhat confusing, leaving the reader, in parts, needing to reread sections to fully inderstand your message.
This is full of good ideas but unfortunately marred by lack of punctuation. For example:
Let me give an example...a normal family...in English culture this would probably be separated parents and disillusioned children, since they make up the majority in surveys...but this would not be the considered "normal", for "normal" does not mean normal in our language, it means "what the system decree's as acceptable" or "what constitutes a good robot (Human - if you prefer)"...
As this is all one sentence, it is saying an awful lot, but the messages you are trying to put across are lost.
I too, until very recently suffered from the same fate of long sentences, and losing the message. To a degree I still am, but I am learning. Each sentence should say something, not 5 or 6 ideas; while each may be fundamental to your work they lose effect. Therefore the whole piece suffers as a consequence.
Someone suggested to me; try reading aloud what you have written, the lack of punctuation and/or sentence construction makes this near impossible. As I said I am learning myself, but this was good advice and I try to follow it.
Nice verse, and quite poignant, I have the following comments for your consideration:
My face is front of pain and
a terrible game. (sorry - I didn't really get this line)
The third and forth verses are great, was only a little let down by the final line, I (unfortunately) have no suggestions to offer, but it just did not seem right.
Good work and nice words, as the owner of a daft dog myself who follows me everywhere I know exactly where you are coming from here. The loyalty and unquestioning dedication is a gift.
One question:
Just reach under his chin and scritch in his sleep, (did you really mean "scritch"?)
You dream of Utopia my friend. It is a lovely vision, however the crime rates of yesteryear, by percentage, were higher than today. Nowadays we have global instant communications and a media hungry to portray the worst mankind is capable of; back then it was a blind eye.
Having said all that I liked your poem and also wish for a return to better societal values and morals.
Good theme; an invisible and unrecognised love that many teens (and ex-teens) can possibly identify with. I found the lines somewhat disjointed however, and struggled to find a strong theme that really gripped me - maybe this is because it is dealing with so many facets of loving someone from afar.
Your story flows well and has some good ideas; however, on a scariness scale it doesn't do anything for me I'm afraid.
I liked the portrayal of an old man, who seems to refuse to acknoledge his years.
Specific technical issues as follows:
at least Edna isn't on me to do something (try:at least Edna isn't onto me to do something)
Sighing to himself he baited his hook and threw it out one last time. (comma needed afterhimeself)
Feeling just a bit on the not so sober side he looked for a place to releive his full bladder and hobbled over to a tree that looked to him to be in need of some fertilizing. (long sentence with out break, cosider breaking into two or at least adding a comma somewhere)
Releif washed over him (Sp. relief)
nature kicked in and his full bladder became empty. (use "emptied" instead of "became empty")
He was giving (himself) a shake
The cork bobbed and weaved, (end sentence with Full Stop)
Thinking that the fish had broken off the hook(,) he was reeling it in when something dark started to emerge from the water.
Part of Clarence knew that what was happening was unbelieveable and he considered (wondered) that it might be some kind of dementia that comes on with old age. (Long sentence, consider breaking it with comma or into two)
He noticed her hands, smooth skin and black fingernails. (try: He noticed her hands; the smooth skin and black fingernails.)
The back part of his mind began screaming at him to run away but his body was (as) useless as his bladder had been just a short time ago. (again another long sentence)
Numb cold raced through his body as he heard her whisper with a hiss "I've been waiting for you". (comma after hiss; the Full stop needs moving inside quote marks)
Brilliant and unexpected twist, succinct yet deceitful character development. I was drawn in completely into believing that Todd was going to be a hero/saviour. Well done - no! excellent in 500 words. Keep up the good work.
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