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98 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of The Dream  Open in new Window.
Review by Einav Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Leblanc :)

On the one hand your plot is really good, all the characters are sharp, authentic (and funny!). Your story has humor, tension, fear. It has dialects. It flows well. A good balance of dialog and telling.
On the other hand It's unfinished, right? that's why you wrote "(EXPAND)" ? That's why the ending is so unexplained?
When the story is finished I'll be more than happy to read it. I want to know who that old man is to Oz, why his wife did that to him and what's with that "male child" you've mentioned at the end.
+ I think you need to edit grammer-wise. Instead of writing "the old man finally leaves" you wrote "the old man finally lives". Duh.

Great story!
Einav.
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Review by Einav Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Awsome!
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Review of gifted  Open in new Window.
Review by Einav Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I liked your poem, it's rythem and it's subject, I also think that you've used rythem to the best advantage, thuse creating a sort of dreamscape..
You describe a general sensory impression which I found compelling and enchanting, but I think it also lacks a bit of focus. My advice is to consider re-reading and try to make your poem a bit more uniform and organized, because as a reader I found the "music" of your poem enjoyable, but it's meaning passed me by.

Keep Writing,
drawerwrite.
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Review by Einav Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
first though, i have to say it's kinda obvious that rain lands like splashes of water (on the first lines).
on to the good:
I LOVED this poem!
frank, unorthodox and flows well. I love it when a writer writes without sweating to make their poem fancy. i can hear the voice of your thoughts in the poem, and that is far more important than dots and stanzas.
aside from that, I think that your poem was funney.

5STARS!
WRITEON!
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Review by Einav Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
A livid poem, I liked especially the mention of sedge (once I looked it up on wiki and saw a picture).
It is really a powerful mood poem, your use of phraze is very interesting and it caught my imagination, e.g. "withered blooms" and "criminal crescendos".
I liked also the detatched tone of the speaker, which fits very well in the barren landscape.
Windy, stormy days really get me feeling better as well, so I could identify :)

"Came back to the back road" - redundant repetition. Too much "back" in a sentence where all the words have a similar sound as it is..
A big letter "I" is something quite important, even if you don't comply with the rest of the punctuation rules (at least in my poinion).

Keep writing!
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Review of The remote  Open in new Window.
Review by Einav Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
ha. me too.
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Review by Einav Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
funny poem!
you made me smile.
there's no need for so many exclamations!!!! i can get excited from one!
two if you MUST!! three is TOO MUCH!!!
keep writing :D
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Review by Einav Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
*this review is just my opinion, and i'm no expert*

K? k.

if i get the plot right, dreker is on the run from some sort of evil. he lives as a farmer for a short time, but can sense that evil has found his hiding place and he has to move on again. he has been on the run from said evil for a very long time. he is in denial about his past/has selective amnesia/something magical made him forget.

the two paragraphs you wrote are not a story, not even a beginning, it is a description of character and plot, and a very confusing one, like you compressed all your ideas into those two paragraphs and waited for a diamond.
I FOUND DIAMONDS. the character is interesting (his old face and young smile), the plot is a drawer even without specific details.
should you decide to "flesh it out", i'll be interested in the resoult. you have an ability to create very convincing and attractive plot and character.

NOW I HAVE A SUGGESTION
i've noticed you story telling is confused- you need to determine before you start writing what generally happens and in what order.
maybe even make a chronological list of events you can play around with.
iv'e a list of reasons why making a list is a good thing:
1. it might help you get some order in your plot.
2. it'll asist you to create better suspension, surprises and twists in the plot.
3. it'll help you thinking several steps beond the opening "scene".

write on!

((drawerwriter))
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Review of The norm  Open in new Window.
Review by Einav Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
that's a brave thing to admit :)
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Review by Einav Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
you used beautiful words to create the sensation of loss and questions about loss of a person that created a loss of a sense of time and place, of identity, of a daity.
I don't think you intended your poem to have a clear meaning, you use the sound of words to describe what you felt. I still could use a bit of clarification to the last two lines in the second stanza, because even though they are beautiful the way they are, I don't get their meaning.
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Review of why must this be  Open in new Window.
Review by Einav Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
really good poem, i liked the repetitions, the phrazing.

two questions rose while i read the poem and made me confuzed, in my opinion, you should consider answering them in the poem. it will transform the poem from personal codes to a universal experience the reader can relate to.

"Your the only ones for me" - is it a typo or is the poem written for more then one person?
"Between the clouds I know your there
Somewhere out there amongst the fog and air" - what separated them - clouds of distance/heaven/somethin else.. that makes life hard?
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Review of see  Open in new Window.
Review by Einav Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I connected the most to this poem.
the description are varied. the poem prosaic and rough.
you use words more as music for your feeling then for their meaning. that's not necesarily bad, but watch out from an over-dose that'll flaw your poem.

welcom to wdc :)
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Review by Einav Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Your poem is 100% true and beutiful.
I love the use of spaces, the irregular stanzas and the livid word choice.
favorite line:
" Feel each beat my heart spends, gift myself the everlasting fun."
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Review of A Hard Days Night  Open in new Window.
Review by Einav Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
You defined you're story as a satire, and I will review a passage in your story I though applied to that definition, and one which less applied.
My general feeling is you've managed to transfer the emotions of social alienation, and to put the american dream, and to be more specific, puritan work dream, in a light which made it small, pityful, and cruel in it's duress, through the usage of small anecdotes from a day of work in K-MART.
In my opinion the story did not always preserve it's story qualities. At certain times you've deviated to philosophical arguments that did not take part inside the world of the story but were thoughts of the main character. I think that if you'd find a way to express those ideas more through scenarios in the story and dialogs it can fill the story with more action, make it less static, and therefor more apealing to "plunge" into.
Also, I think that through describing events we find more meanings and feel the criticism far better then in outright philosophy.

You've managed to transfer your satirical criticism in:
"..transitioning my focus to the CD .. “Hey! Aren’t you going to answer me?” - especially the brackets, I could see the look on the manager's face as the main character's attention wandered to the CD stand, and that made the image livid, the humour in imagining the look on his face captured my interest, made me really enter the story.
You've ridiculed the scene and made it satirical later by describing how red his face became, he was really pissed off by his worker's distraction in a way disproportionate to what the worker did.
A lot of things imply from that one simple and simbolic incident described in an ironic way, using a method of exaggeration.
For example, I understand that a part of the character of classical american "bosses" is to be on edge from the sligtest hint their emploees lack in apish obedience, because a part of the american society expects that sort of obedience, the ideal of puritan work apparently means, don't live, work.
That makes me feel sympaty for the worker trapped in his day job and understand better why he feels actually trapped, not just slightly bored.

"but it’s the American way, and I’d be damned if I broke such patriotic rituals."
"but surprisingly Mr. All American anal to the core corporate guy didn’t take me off the schedule"
"But in all honesty, isn’t this the puritan work ethic that America was built on?"
Those passages are cynical, and also a criticisem, as satire should be, but at the same time break a satirical nuance. Satire should imply the author's criticisen, not plainly state it, to ridicule the thing you criticise. I was not as shocked or steered to thought by those passages as much as in other examples from your story, because you lost the mask and just showed your plain true thoughts. You need to lead me to think those statements without stating them yourself.

I hope I wasn't too confuzed in explaining my opinion of your story, which was original, and had a lot of good moments which made it worth the read, I also learned from reviewing it.
Please take my review as it is, an opinion.
Write on! :)
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Review by Einav Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
very beutiful
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Review of Upon Words  Open in new Window.
Review by Einav Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello :)
My general impression of your poem is that it was beutiful, with a quality of a clean simplicity, the emphasize is on the vows, which apear in the middle of the poem. You're title choice is great.
In the poem you swindled from event to event in a way that did not manage to flaw the flow of the poem, and made it interesting.
In contrast with the contents of the poem, the brief description (in my opinion) did not fit. It led me to expect a dilemma, it kept me on edge, distressed, actually it was the reason I chose to review your poem and I was a bit confuzed when I read the poem for the first time.

"A rose behind her ear,
... - those first three lines are charming, I loved the freshness of the descriptions.
Suddenly stops to an end." - In my opinion, the "to an end" is redundant here, if you'd finished the sentence with "suddenly stops" it whould have been more livid.

"A love to keep forever,
..
And a cute girl sitting there." - I liked the word choice in that stanza.

"A wound cured by a miss," - what did you mean?

"Both of them are my first.
Their child given from above." - In my opinion, those two sentences are not connected and confuzing. I suggest for you to consider rewriting that, play with the meaning and words choice.

Thats was my opinion, and please treat it as one person's opinion.
welcom to WDC..
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Review of Death Race  Open in new Window.
Review by Einav Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi,
In your future world death is eliminated, and in the style of "the hunger games", people entertain themselves with death.
The idea is great, and you interpretation is very interesting. The point of view in this short story is of a detached storytelling, using (I think it's called in English) dark irony in order to present a morally bleak but also exciting future world.
The story was engaging for me most of the time. I thought the first and second paragraphs to be less involving emotionally because of all the long, detailed explanations without something happening.

"It was long ago......gift baskets with dark chocolate candies."- Those two paragraphs were a step back to explain and reason a history of this world, they were important in this stage of the story, but not connected to Quell's point of view.
The return to Quell's point of view is too abrupt.

The sistem of principles you've invented is intriguing tough not always believable. I can believe that in a certain society people who failed will be ordered to be erased from society by the government (or someone) as if they did not exist, but I can't find the flat generalization that mothers will forget they had children or a wife her husband believable, even in a society were a mother can be proud and even happy to watch her son die.

The third and fourth part of the story were the most interesting because of livid details and the activity, the ending was shaking.

So anyway, I hope my review was helpul, I learned from reviewing your story.

b.t.w
the letters are veery small.
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Review by Einav Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi,
I really enjoyed your story, it was very entertaining, I couldn't ever guess that ending.. Here's 5 passeges I liked, and 1 I didn't.

'The tick of the second hand on the old face clock seemed in slow motion. The long hand edged past the nine while the short hand tickled the beginning of the twelve.' - I like the detailed, pedantic description, you used it to describe and enhance the feel of irritation Ruby is feeling.

'Charlie wandered in from the back room. A plume of smoke followed him..' - that does all the work to describe a 9/11 employee with a problamatic attitude.

'Her hands trembled as an image of dripping blood from a swinging gate appeared in her mind. The scene panned out..' - another good description to enhance a feeling you wanted to get, very colorful and gory :).

'A chill ripped through Ruby as the redhead licked his lips... The clock chimed midnight.' - nice word choice, you used omens to increas the tenstion, leading the reader to the first peak of the story, where Ruby lose control and can't remember the prices, and the tall guy shouts at her.

'Ruby gazed down the street where headlights from a side street flipped on. The engine revved and “Born to be wild”..' - I liked this passage less because it's not clear what is happening. I think the reason for that is that it's too telling instead of showing.

'Run! Get away! ... No! Stand up to him.' - you show the process that leads to her making up her mind through showing her thoughts.

The title of your story is 'Hight of fear'. That's just my opinion.. I think that Ruby's point of view as a short women, being overshadowed by a tall, violent man, can be sharper. throughout the story.
I learned from reviewing your story, you've a lot of talent, and good luck in the contest :)
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Review of Philosophising  Open in new Window.
Review by Einav Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
i liked your poem very much. youve made it sort of like lirics for a rock song.

i think you need to work on the presentation because its difficult to understand.
consider reading your poem as a conversation or a story, and see if they make sense as such. i can say people gave that advice to me here and it really made my poems clearer.

the ryming is good, the poem is interesting.
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Review of A peach  Open in new Window.
Review by Einav Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
greaat. youre very talented..
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Review by Einav Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
is it fanfiction or your own story?
if it's a fanfiction, then i get i need to read the original in order to understend the characters and the world you're describing. if it isn't, then theres too much gaps of information in the plot.
that aside, the short story is written well, i liked the jornal entries, your good at telling a story.
i liked the fact that Alia and Leila were'nt heroic characters, but a couple of ordinary women that got histerical because theire tangled in something unnatural and very scary, and having to learn how to deal with it.
great epocaliptic scenes.
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Review of The Heat Wave  Open in new Window.
Review by Einav Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
As a resident of a very hot country I can verify the accuracy of the poem...

I soppose your poem is free verse (as you didn't mention otherwise).
liked the veriety of the poem, though its all about the weather you've described the way the heat wave affects everything and everybody sorrounding you.
I usually dont like regular ryming in a poem (i find it kind of boring) but the humor and straight-fordwordness of your poem made up for it, and i wasnt bored.

good luck with the electic fan,

drawerwrite.
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Review of The Hunt  Open in new Window.
Review by Einav Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Sort of reminds me the wolf on the Farseer Trilogy by Robbin Hobb. Is it based on Nighteyes the wolf?

Free style poem, sort of prose, your poem has a good rythem, i like how the words roll one after the other with no regard for proper sentences, getting into the wolf's mind.
You shoud check on your spelling though. use the "spell" option.
I liked the fact that most of the sentences begin with I. wolves have large egos..
Nice One.

drawerwrite.
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Review of Sirenblade  Open in new Window.
Review by Einav Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
hello,
the very accurate (almost mondane) details are the best thing in this work, really getting into the cool, calculated head of jasmin, its apparant you've a lot of knowledg of what you're writing, wether it's fire kindling or fighting.
the fighting scene is funny and convincing.
yet with all those details, you did'nt describe what jasmin looks like- at the begining i didnt know if she was young or old, beutiful or ugly, if she has scars, what she is wearing.. i dont know why, but in the begining i was sure she was a veteran of at least forty years old.
i've read recently a good tip which applies to this chapter in my opinion-
don't give away too much information in a plain way, but give the reader hints. i could've got it on my own that:

"Most of the farming villages tended to be quiet and isolated, and so their young people had a tendency to catch wanderlust and leave at a fairly young age, with the army being a popular destination. Odds were these boys had decided that they were mature enough to leave the nest, and so they’d set out in search of honor and glory. And, odds were, they’d probably be back home much humbler before spring."

just descrive they are dressed like farmers, have tan skin and rough hands, and let them talk and brag the rest. let jasmin think quietly to herself that they'll be much humbler by spring.
plot transmitted through actions, or through dialog, or otherwise, is more interesting.
for example, when the lord dog and prince arrived, it was far more interesting and read much easier, as the dog told his story and jasmin responded. that dialog was funny and informative and interesting.
also, youve done a great description at the apearance of the prince and dog. including the funny fall.

thats all i can think about.. i'm not much of a writer myself, i never wrote a whole story, short or long, this is but my opinion as a reader. i hope you found my review helpful.

good luck with the book, im waiting for the next chapter..

drawerwrite.
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Review by Einav Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
i cant imagin the colorful and happy universe in which that dounut shop exist, so i have to reason it with an infatuation that makes everything as shiny as in the Teletubbies world.
that tension between real and will makes the poem in my opinion.
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