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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dragonmoon
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30 Public Reviews Given
70 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Zelphyr Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The musical setup for the language is pleasantly different from the norm, and the character overall is interestingly mystical and Romanesque for a science fiction story, despite feeling a tad out of place. Wanderer's confusion about "race" is amusing, as are the soft little pokes at the forth wall.

Something I am wondering: if he is a teacher and historian, I'm curious what he did to be placed under arrest. It's effective for limiting him to a reasonable level, but without an explanation, it seems a bit contrived. Then again, in light of those little forth wall pokes, that might not quite so bad.

An interesting read, in any case. I'm curious to see how things will play out.


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Review of The Assignment  Open in new Window.
Review by Zelphyr Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
You've got some good intrigue going on in your entry, and you provide just enough information to get a good sense of the circumstances. There were only a few minor things I noticed:

It sounds like Jayce and Janice engaged willingly, even if under orders, but the implication that it wasn't consensual (I assume because it was under orders) also makes it sound like it may actually have been rape.

"Jayce put on shorts and opened the door to see his brother, Michael, no less." This sort of makes it sound like he has multiple brother it could have been because of the "no less" at the end.

Seems like Janice should be well aware that he knew she was just carrying out orders; the only question is if she knew why.

Overall, a good read. Good luck in the next round!


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Review of Jayce's Profile  Open in new Window.
Review by Zelphyr Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
You've got a well-balanced character, very believable and with the right strengths to make him useful. He isn't particularly notable or interesting by character sheet, but that won't matter much if you write him well in your entries.

I wish you luck!
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Review by Zelphyr Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
You've got an interesting touch with what happened to Vince and his friend and siblings (though that seemed very random, and the other friend's death seemed a bit contrived), and with them being test subjects that, for once, don't hate the scientists working on them. You do still have some things to work on, though.

Mostly, you had a lot of grammatical errors; tense swapping, missing words, wrong words, that sort of thing. For example:

"The neurite [had] completely rewritten how their bodies functioned."

"[...] allowing them to send a beam of accelerated neurite to an object, and implying it isn't rigid or too heavy, could lift it." Maybe "implying" should be "provided" or "so long as"?

"[...]involving the four to work together[...]" should be "[...]involving the four working together[...]"

There were also some clarity issues. For example:

Where is the neurite visible (or clarify that it's signals to begin with), and is there a reason it has different colors? If Will's is black, why is he called White?

Clarify that it's two decade before they woke, not two decades before they were hit.

"Anything their brain thought, the neuroxide thought as well, except with one difference." So it's still separate from their brains and is, itself, alive?

"The neuroxide-infused brain could send a purple-colored beam of accelerated neurite through a permanent scar in the host's right palm[...]" Does this mean they can make others like them? And are they draining the nuerite from their bodies?

Some of your words also seem a little weird. I was confused by "quad bike" as bicycles are 2-wheeled; it's even in the name. "Neuroxide" seems a bit odd too; that simply means it's neurite and oxygen that have chemically bonded, so I'm not sure if that's what you meant or not. And, although I think it may just be a lack of explanation, Vince stuffing an air conditioner into his nostril seems bizarre.

Your age calculation is flawed. He apparently stopped aging at 14, so that's assumably when the neurite hit them. They were then in a coma for 2 decades, which was followed by 30 years of testing. That makes him 64 years old, not 38.

You should also work on your characterization, especially since that's the main focus of this tournament. Your character doesn't seem to have a stable personality. He wanted to win the race for his siblings, believing it would somehow improve things for them (though they seem to be doing just fine), and is willing to risk his life for that; and then, when he finds out he's in, he just shrugs it off like it's meaningless. Your characterization of Domumen is also weak; you wrote him as business-oriented and perhaps a bit of a jerk, rather than eccentric and charming as in the prompt.

Keep working at it though, and you're sure to improve. *Smile* Good luck!


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5
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Review of Coe Luna  Open in new Window.
Review by Zelphyr Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Since your opponent didn’t turn in an entry, there was no reason not to read through your completed entry rather than the incomplete one. I do suggest you try to make sure you turn in your complete entry in time in the future, though.

Your entry starts off in the middle of doing something, with all the focus on the immediate situation and an explanation delayed until a suitable break point. The question of what was going on kept nagging me, spurring me on to figure out what the answer was – a good way to do things, so long as it’s done correctly and carefully, which I think you did. I also enjoyed the setup if the “sacrifices,” and you seemed to do well in presenting Nylah’s personality.

There were some issues, though.

As far as technical things go, there were a few spots where you are either missing a word or used the wrong form of a word, such as hopeless/hopelessly and simple/simply.

Most of your entry is from Bessa’s perspective, and the couple times it shifts to Nylah’s are a tad offsetting. The worst moment for that is when the name of the bat, which is never formally introduced, is suddenly there in the story.

At one point, you describe Nylah as being a speck far below Bessa, but then describe it as a difference of only “several feet,” which sounds like much too small a distance for Nylah to be a speck.

Other than that, it’s just questions. Why didn’t Bessa switch which had was holding the horse so she could keep her hand on the wall (or was the problem that she needed both hands)? Why is there already a map to the recently-missing chalice, and how did the map’s existence already get out? How and why did Bessa and Nylah pair up – and more importantly, why did Bessa assume that Nylah didn’t know what she wanted when that’s the sort of thing that typically comes up when hiring a guide? Why would Bessa accept having to give up the thing she holds most dear, when she so clearly considered that to be the son she’s trying to save? Also, why would pirates want to store treasure in a place that requires them to give up what they hold most dear, and is that a one-time cost or an every-time cost?

Thanks for your entry!


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Review by Zelphyr Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
You did a good just setting up your character and entwining him into the setting, not just in establishing how he feels about the two kingdoms, but also in making him partly responsible for the current situation. His intense focus and disdain for social activities also do well to explain why he’s apparently not worried about other towns suffering the same fate his did. I enjoyed the complexity of his scars, both the meaningful ones and those that seem to have come as a part of life (as scars typically do). Dorian’s past is endearing and sad, his present is cold and cruel (both him and, apparently, those around him), and throughout you maintain some pretty solid realism and practicality.

Most of the issues I noticed in both the character sheet and the introduction were minor word mistakes: duel/dual, will/with, hid/hide, lease/least, toe-headed/tow-headed, etc. A little bit, you also seemed to lose track of a sentence and end up with a run-on. Being feared by his superiors almost doesn’t fit in with some of what you established, and it seems like they’d have something in place just in case any of their assassins went rogue. If he’s so well trained at not standing out, it also seems a bit odd that he’d suspiciously vanish shortly after someone died; with his looks, he’d be running the risk of getting recognized if he later has a job with one of the same people involved.

A good read, overall – and you taught me something about medieval hunting!


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Review by Zelphyr Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
It’s a very dark and gritty character and story you’re setting up, and you make it clear that Taizves seems to literally have no concept of mercy. The comment about Krashev’s accent being thicker than his beard was amusing, as well. Your entry did leave me a bit confused, though.

Why would an entire band of assassins be engaged in a trade? How and why would a whole band of assassins (who are assumedly quite skilled in killing people and escaping) be killed off, and how does just one little kid survive? Why did Krashev accept the lower price so quick, rather than at least making a show of trying to raise it? Why did the woman explain what she knew about the chalice when she apparently assumed that Taizves already knew more? Even your wording was strange, and I had trouble understanding the thinking and logic going on in your writing; for example, if he has such a temper, why would that cause others to try to “get money from him”? Some of your description is similarly awkward, such as your description of Taizves voice (which you even call “deep” twice in one sentence), and when Krashev first speaks up, it looks like Taizves is speaking instead.


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Review by Zelphyr Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Your writing style is definitely a bit more light-hearted and quirky than some, and made your entry a fun little read. I find myself wanting to know how Dafyd might clever his way out of future tough spots. In part, though, that comes from it seeming like Dafyd is supposed to be clever; his initial helplessness about the bird (then healing it quite easily) and confusion about his father’s directions makes Dafyd seem a tad dull and uncreative. Is also seems strange that, while he knew that his father would say something strange, he didn’t bother to make any guesses about what it might be. Similarly, though you say that the wizard is supposed to be a good father and his lessons seem good enough, he still seems more crazy and non-connective than kind; and with a father like that, it seems all the more strange how little thought Dafyd put into dealing with the bird. That may be a bit more critical than your target audience would be, though. You also did a good job of connecting your established setting with the one provided for the tournament.

In the future, you should probably reread your writing more, or ask someone to look through it for you. You had the occasional misspelled or missing word, and some grammatical issues (many of which can be solved with commas). Your entry was also fairly simple and straightforward (not necessarily a bad thing), but probably could have been written a bit tighter.

I also want to mention: two of the lines from the royal wizard were not only cute, but I have personally seen them prove true. “Not being sure of success is an immensely poor reason for not doing something constructive,” and “Sometimes a mistake is the very thing you need to solve a problem.”


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Review by Zelphyr Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Your character sheet is extremely vague. I’m sure this was at least mostly intentional, to add some mystery, but keep in mind that this tournament revolves around others being able to write your character, too. With his past, if even he doesn’t know it, that’s one thing (though it can still result in people writing “incorrectly” about him), but you don’t really make it clear how much of his history he knows (though in the story, you mention that he knows it very well). Mystery can be a tricky thing to work with in this sort of tournament. You also mention an extra sense, but in your character sheet, provide no hint at all what that might be.

After reading through the story, I’m assuming his “extra sense” is related to his fortune-telling. It’s a bit hard to understand how fortune-telling could replace vision, but as much as it seems to be a need for him, it probably wouldn’t be too big a stretch to assume that he just has that good of a feel for things, especially if his abilities came before the loss of his sight, so that he learned to link certain things together. Even so, wonderful as your description is, it might do well to try to play down the sights (red eyes, gap teeth, etc) and focus more on other sensory input. For example, maybe rather than going to a table “half hidden in darkness” he might go to a table where people sound a little more distant, and where the air is being pushed around less. Focusing on other sense can be tricky, as people tend to be very visual, but it might richen up your story.

I also noticed you did provide some hints about his past. I’m tempted to complain still about it not being in the character overview, but honestly, your hint is solid enough for me, and wouldn’t have fit too well in the overview.

I am, however, going to point out how weird it is that he uses cards when he’s blind. Again, I won’t push too hard since I can presently assume he simply has a sense for which is which, but you should find a way to clarify that. (Also, the cards need to be replaced every few months? I knew a card reader a few years ago, and I believe she had her deck for years. Granted, they were pretty bent up and kinda dirty by then.)

Overall, you’ve caught my attention, and I am wondering what sort of part your character is going to play in the story to come.


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Review by Zelphyr Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
In the story, I noticed a few things you might work on. One is the way you insert information via parenthesis. While this is a legitimate thing to do, it tends to make sentences more awkward to read, so it’s generally better to restructure words to make it fit in better. You also occasionally mentioned things that didn’t really matter at that particular point, and should have been mentioned sooner, later (when it was more important), or not at all. For example, the bandits’ masks might have been better off mentioned sooner; on the other hand, specifically saying that she owned the dagger works better as just “her dagger” and maybe a mention of where she’d just pulled it from. Another thing was your description: in a couple places (like when she’s forced to kneel and starts to panic) your phrasing read a little oddly and I’m not entirely sure what sort of image you’re trying to give. I’m also wondering why a toy wooden horse sank in water and stayed put. Aside from that, it’s the typical proofreading; you had a couple minor typos, like mixing up “is” and “in.”

Besa as a character seems like a strong, resourceful, and very real woman. I actually like how what she heard about the chalice seems to have had a bit of the grapevine effect, so she doesn’t actually understand what it does; and while “protection from harm” and “healing” are certainly not the same thing, it’s understandable how her desperation could cause further misinterpretation. However, she does seem a little too hard on herself; why in the world would she think that she deserved to be abused by random strangers? I also noticed a discrepancy: in the character sheet, you mention that she has muscle and is stronger than she looks, but in the story, you mention her “non-existent” muscles.

I’d also like to mention that you made a better use of present-tense that I’m used to seeing. Frequently, I see people try it and end up swinging back and forth between it and past tense. I’ve also come across many present-tense stories that just read a bit oddly. You, however, managed to stick in it quite well, and I was able to focus entirely on the story itself.


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Review by Zelphyr Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Besa’s lack of any kind of last name struck me as odd. A last name isn’t strictly necessary, but most cultures have had some form of family name for ages. Meanwhile, Belastar’s name strikes me as oddly feminine. I was also left wondering a bit about Lord Adalsa and Besa’s mother. One part, you didn’t give any clue about his place in the royal family, so I’m wondering if you simply meant that he’s a noble; the other is, if he cared about Besa’s mother, why did he marry her off to a random merchant rather than care for her and the child himself?


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