\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dragonbeards
Review Requests: OFF
42 Public Reviews Given
56 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of John  Open in new Window.
Review by Morgan Lynn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Please note: The following is only my opinion, and is no way meant to be taken seriously, or as a reflection of you and/or your work.

Hello! You entered your poem in the same contest I did, so I thought I would give a small helpful (hopefully!) review.

First of all, I love the subject matter. I can tell you have a great affection for your stepfather, and I love that you wrote a poem for him. Also note, I am writing this poem under the assumption that you are actually writing about your stepdad (give the bit you wrote in the description). If this is a fictional account (I have written many poems in the first person that never actually happened to me), feel free to alter or disregard my advice where appropriate.

Acrostic poems can be hard to write, especially as the first letter of each line has already been, by default, chosen for you. That said, I think you did a good job filling the acrostic. However, I do have a few things that I believe could be changed.

"Just six years old I was" I understand the limits of acrostic poems, but this line reads a little awkwardly for me. Perhaps I just have Star Wars on the brain, but it seems like something Yoda might say. Instead of ending the sentence there, perhaps you could flow it into the next line? Maybe:

Just six years old, I was
on the swingset in the park when he appeared.

This is just an idea, of course, and not to be taken as how I think the poem should read.

"Nice enough to buy me stickers." I love this line! As a child, I loved stickers, and would feel like one million bucks whenever I got more to add to my collection.

"And" Given the length of your other lines, this one seems a bit short. Perhaps you have struggled with this already, but maybe you could put another memory here? Maybe:

And give me yesterday's stale bread
To feed the squirrels at the park.

Again, this is just an idea. You should put whatever memories into the poem you cherish the most.

"He married my Mum the next
Autumn"

See what I wrote with the "and" line. The break in this sentence seems a bit awkward. When I read a poem, I read the breaks as pauses. He married my Mum the next (pause) Autumn. Read it aloud and you'll hear what I'm hearing. Try putting the entire sentence on the "h" line, and then put another line, about the wedding or about your stepdad, below (try to keep it focused on your stepdad though. While a few words about the preacher, your moms dress, or the people at the wedding might be nice, I think it would distract from the fact that this poem is about you and your stepdad). Maybe:

He married my Mum the next Autumn,
a smile on his face the day through.
(Just an example. When my parents married, my dad was grinning ear to ear the whole day [I wasn't born yet, but my parents have told me, and I have seen pictures]. Maybe your stepdad or mom has a nice picture memory they would like to share?)

"Not my Dad, but always my Dad; John". I'm not sure if you intended to write the line like this, or if it was merely a typo, but the repetition of the word "Dad" doesn't quite get the point across, in my opinion. Maybe you could alter it to show the affection you have for your stepdad? Maybe:

Not my father, but always my Dad; John

or even

Not my dad, but always my Daddy; John.

Just something to show that while he didn't father you, he is your dad in every other sense of the word.

Thanks for reading this rather long review, and I apologize for being so long winded! I had fun reading your poem, and wish you well in the contest. Write on!

Morgan Lynn


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
2
2
Review of Bad Tires  Open in new Window.
Review by Morgan Lynn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*NoteB* Initial Impressions: *NoteB*


What a quirky little short story. Or rather, what a quirky character in your short story. I found myself intrigued by Miranda's behavior, drawn to read each next word as you allowed me to dive deeper into your character's mind. Even though I am complete opposite her in most respects (my home is the disorder of nature, and I've been called a tree hugger multiple times), I still found that I could relate to her in the need for perfection (being OCD myself), and that helped me to really draw a connection to her.

*NoteB* Bumps in the Road: *NoteB*


None in the work itself, but you might want to wrok on the title. "Bad Tires" just doesn't seem to do the piece justice.

*NoteB* Final Thoughts: *NoteB*


I really enjoyed reading this. It was very different and (from what I can tell) original, and made for an enjoyable time. Looking forward to reading more of your work. Great job, and keep on writing!


Note: This review has been submitted for consideration in The Talent Pond's contest, "The Ponds Harvest Dinner Review Party"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
3
3
Review of A Sweet Romance  Open in new Window.
Review by Morgan Lynn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
*NoteB* Initial Impressions: *NoteB*


What a (pardon me for using this word) sweet little poem! I must say, I am particularly partial to romantic poetry, and yours is an awesome example of why I like it so much. In this poem, I love how you describe the romance from both the man and woman's point of view, as it gradually grows and grows, and eventually (maybe!) ends in marriage. My favorite line is the last, "Lives enriched from that glorious cup!"


*NoteB* Bumps in the Road: *NoteB*


None that I can see *Smile*.

*NoteB* Final Thoughts: *NoteB*


I think all there is left to say is that I love this poem! You did a great job writing it (and yes, I am slightly biased. Then again, aren't all readers?), and I will be looking to read more of your work in the future. Spectacular job, and keep on writing!


Note: This review has been submitted for consideration in The Talent Pond's contest, "The Ponds Harvest Dinner Review Party"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
4
4
Review of Learning Chess  Open in new Window.
Review by Morgan Lynn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*NoteB* Initial Impressions: *NoteB*


First person point of view, present tense. I like how you use those elements to pull the reader into the action, as if the events are happening right before our eyes.

"I adjust my wheelchair closer to the table for a better view."

This is my favorite line in the entire story, perhaps because it threw me for such a loop. When I first started reading the story, I assumed that Billy had full use of his body, seeing as he "can't wait" to grow up and become a soldier just like his Uncle. However, then you reveal that he has to use a wheelchair to get around, and the revelation is just a bit... startling (in a good way).

*NoteB* Bumps in the Road: *NoteB*


*Cut*"My stepfather always sits with a beer in his hand, as though, it is as necessary as oxygen."*Cut*

I don't think the comma here after "though" is necessary.

*NoteB* Final Thoughts: *NoteB*


This was extremely well written, and I enjoyed reading it. I have to point out, I love the way you showed how great the bond was between Billy and his Uncle. I think this made the characters more real for the readers than if you had just said "me and my uncle have a great relationship", you know what I mean? Great job, and keep on writing!


Note: This review has been submitted for consideration in The Talent Pond's contest, "The Ponds Harvest Dinner Review Party"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
5
5
Review of In His Hands  Open in new Window.
Review by Morgan Lynn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*NoteB* Initial Impressions: *NoteB*


Oh how hard it is sometimes to just let everything go, and give it to God! I love what you have said in this poem, and what a good reminder it is to those of faith.

I love the parallel structure you keep through the entire poem. It helps to "hammer home" the point (to use a cliche), and really get the reader to understand that God will be there for anything we need. Nice job.

*NoteB* Bumps in the Road: *NoteB*


I can see your intent for second to last word in the third and forth lines of each stanza was to rhyme them (nice alliteration affect). However, I was kind of stalled a bit with "taste" and "take". Instead of going for end-rhyme, you used the beginning of these two words, perhaps because you couldn't find two that would work here?

*NoteB* Final Thoughts: *NoteB*


I enjoyed reading this. I found the message very applicable (one I find myself needing to remind myself of constantly), and an encouragement to anyone having a hard time. Great job, and keep on writing!


Note: This review has been submitted for consideration in The Talent Pond's contest, "The Ponds Harvest Dinner Review Party"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
6
6
Review of Kaden Birchwood  Open in new Window.
Review by Morgan Lynn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*NoteB* Initial Impressions: *NoteB*


The atmosphere of this piece fit it well, and I love the emotion that was put into it as the reader is slowly led to the place where Kaden's father died. The technique you use to describe the events is good too. I love how you switch from what happened when Robert died, to what Kaden was doing, keeping Kaden as the narrator but having Robert be one of the main focuses. Great work.

*NoteB* Bumps in the Road: *NoteB*


I couldn't find any.

*NoteB* Final Thoughts: *NoteB*


I really enjoyed reading this. It was well put together, and I love the ending. Maybe it's because I have a dark mind, but I thought Kaden was going to do something to himself when he picked up the shard of glass and went deeper into the wood. I was pleasantly surprised, and touched, when he carved his tribute to his father in the tree. Awesome job, and keep on writing!


Note: This review has been submitted for consideration in The Talent Pond's contest, "The Ponds Harvest Dinner Review Party"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
7
7
Review of His Last Battle  Open in new Window.
Review by Morgan Lynn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*NoteB* Initial Impressions: *NoteB*


This piece actually depressed me when I read it, or at least put me in a more sobered mood. The pain an individual who has been in the war has gone through, both physically and mentally, is immense, and Noah is proof of this.

I love how you switch between past and present in the story. It keeps the flow going nicely, and keeps up the pace of the piece.

*NoteB* Bumps in the Road: *NoteB*


*Cut*"...reflected gently off of the walls in the dark room."*Cut*

Might read a little better "of the dark room" instead of "in the dark room". Second sentence read a little awkwardly for me as well, but it could just be me.

*Cut*"Was Daelyn making a quip about Noah’s shot? That’s what it sounded like, but Noah’s shot was ten times that of any of the other men on the team, so he chose to ignore the potential argument."*Cut*

The phrasing of these lines is just kinda off for me. I'm not sure where it is that I'm getting hung up at, but consider revising this part?

*Cut*"They crazy s***s were kicking his men."*Cut*

Typo, should be "those".

*NoteB* Final Thoughts: *NoteB*


I really enjoyed reading this. I was surprised at the ending, but then again not, knowing how much pain Noah had gone through. It was a little of a shock though, knowing, even when he saw his little girl, he couldn't deal with the pain of going through life any longer.

Great job, and keep on writing!


Note: This review has been submitted for consideration in The Talent Pond's contest, "The Ponds Harvest Dinner Review Party"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
8
8
Review of Weird Book-Buying  Open in new Window.
Review by Morgan Lynn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*NoteB* Initial Impressions: *NoteB*


Nice short little article, and it did raise some interesting questions. Why would one edition be more popular than the other? I have no clue. People can be strange sometimes. Perhaps because one was more publicized than the other?

*NoteB* Bumps in the Road: *NoteB*


*Cut*Why does one edition of a book sell well, another just plod along, not breaking any records or causing any stir?*Cut*

In my opinion, I think this would read better if it said "while another just plods along". The transition from the first thought to the second is missing.

*Cut*Surely, if a buyer had the choice of both original and revised editions, you would expect the revised book to gradually overtake and then way outsell the original?*Cut*

This line just reads weird for me. In the first part of the sentence, its framed as a statement, yet in the last part, you force the reader into reading it as a question. Maybe break it up into two parts, or state it differently? (Try reading it aloud, and you'll understand what I'm getting at)

*NoteB* Final Thoughts: *NoteB*


I was a little... confused upon the whole point of this article. I do know it's about two editions of the same book, but you don't really wrap it up at the end. It just kind of dangles there. I'm left as a reader wondering, "What was the point? Was this just another plug for a book?"

I'm not saying that that shouldn't ever be the point of a piece (its understandable you'd want to plug it, it's your book). But I would suggest adding more to it. Maybe research a little, see if the problem you are noticing with your book has ever happened to any other book. Tell me more about it in your article. Make me forget that it is about a book that I should buy, all the while subtly putting into my head the notion that I should, after all, buy it. I think the affect you are going for would be better achieved that way. Just a thought. Keep up the good work!


Note: This review has been submitted for consideration in The Talent Pond's contest, "The Ponds Harvest Dinner Review Party"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
9
9
Review by Morgan Lynn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*NoteB* Initial Impressions: *NoteB*


This was an enjoyable read, and one, for me, that brought up some personal questions, one of the main ones being, "How focused am I on my writing?" I hate to admit this, but most of the time, not very.

Your article (though I would classify it more as a narrative) flowed well, and I liked how you used the loss of your pink thumb-drive to go back in time to your days in solitary confinement.

Also, the amount of detail in the piece was a perfect balance. Enough so that the reader knew what was going on, but now so much that you had to reveal everything. I myself was even satisfied, and I tend to be extremely curious.

*NoteB* Bumps in the Road: *NoteB*


I only had problem on this line:
*Cut*"Because as a cop or more properly, ex-cop, one who put lots of outlaws (mostly felons) in jail for such a long period of time; the Sheriff, for insurance reasons, could not allow me to be housed in the regular population."*Cut*
In my opinion, it would read a little bit better if it was shortened into multiple sentences.

*NoteB* Final Thoughts: *NoteB*


I completely enjoyed reading this. It brought the conviction to me (in a good way) that I need to be more focused on my writing, as may or may not have been the original purpose. Great job writing, and I'll defiantly be coming back to your port to read more of your stuff!


Note: This review has been submitted for consideration in The Talent Pond's contest, "The Ponds Harvest Dinner Review Party".

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
10
10
Review by Morgan Lynn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Let's Publish!  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
You are getting this review because we are part of the same group, "Let's Publish!". Please know that these are just my opinions, and by no means the final word on what to do to your piece.

*NoteB* Title: *NoteB*


Aptly describes the piece, I think. To the point without being too abstract.

*NoteB* Style and Voice: *NoteB*


The style of this poem works almost like a narrative, with the events being described as they happen, just in poem format. I like how the tone of the poem fits the actual events being there described.

*NoteB* Figurative Language: *NoteB*


No figurative language, which is good, because it isn't needed in this poem.

*NoteB* Rhyme and Rhythm: *NoteB*


To tell you the truth, I'm not much of a fan of rhyming poems. Too often I find the rhyme to be distracting the piece. However, in most parts, yours seems to work.

*NoteB* Typos, nitpicks: *NoteB*


I noticed one typo in your poem. Where you say "There in his window/Was the janitor, Mr. Lee/Another late might/Doctor, I see" you put "might" instead of "night".

Also, this may just be me, but I found it a tad distracting the way you changed POVs throughout the poem.

*NoteB* This is what I think: *NoteB*


It's a good poem, it just needs a little more work. Great job though, and keep on writing!

Morgan Lynn
11
11
Review of King of the Hill  Open in new Window.
Review by Morgan Lynn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I like the playful nature of this poem. Writing from the point of view of an animal is something I have never done before, but in this poem you do it quite well. You make it actually seem like the penguin is the one who is talking, as if the reader has some connection to his/her mind. I love how the penguin is joyous about the point he has reached (King of the Hill!) only to realize that the only place to go from there is down. The last stanza really rounds out the poem. Awesome!

Morgan Lynn
12
12
Review by Morgan Lynn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I kept seeing this story advertised on the front page of WDC, telling myself each time I ran across it that I would read it. I was always so busy though, I never was able to make time.
I'm glad I was able to finally find the time to read it.
I noticed a few grammar mistakes, some repeated words, but other than that it was great. I love how you weaved together all the little sections, and the ending brought on a twist that I didn't see coming. Great work on this, and I will certainly check out some of the other things you have done. Keep on writing!

Morgan Lynn

(This review has been submitted to the WDC Angel Army)
13
13
Review of Not so Sweet  Open in new Window.
Review by Morgan Lynn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
It's a good story, nice flow and from what I see no grammar errors or anything, I just think it would be better if Mae's thoughts weren't shown, because I think it gives away the secret to soon. Otherwise, this is a very good short story. Keep on writing!
14
14
Review of The Pursued  Open in new Window.
Review by Morgan Lynn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Overall, this is very good. It was a bit tough to understand the first time through, but reading through it a second time I understood everything that was going on. Maybe that's just me though :P. I think this is a great piece of flash fiction, and I think you deserve to win the contest. Good work using the words. I was going to write a flash fiction for this contest myself, but came upon a writers block. Keep on writing!
14 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dragonbeards