You caught my interest immediately. Kudos for that. You also drew me into the story and made me want to read more--another important element.
I also like the way you took the usual superhero into an entirely different place than one would expect from this kind of story.
Interesting, different, and definitely worth reading more. I would do just that, but I am a newbie and am exploring through a lot of material to get acquainted with the site.
That said, I also think there are a number of unnecessary parts that slow down the write and do nothing to add to the story.
First, I would begin by eliminating the first few paragraphs and begin with:
Something had changed.
Usually this place gave her a lot of peace. Just out of work, she had been looking forward to that. Usually she walked a couple of blocks and reached the Alameda,a square. This lovely spot had tree-lined paths fed by a water channel that crossed it from end to end--the perfect place to let the day's stress drop away before she got home.
Sometimes, she would sit on a bench under her favorite tree in this spot, an ancient evergreen oak, as old as the church behind it. It is said that the tree existed long before the Alameda was built.
Sometimes she would shhhshhh through autumn leaves or stop to admire the dots of wild flowers popping up here and there.
Today was different.
Cuts like that bring the reader into the story immediately and give you room to work.
Personally, I would slow this action down. If you have to create a second chapter to accommodate this or a longer version it would be worth the effort.
I have read quite a few pieces of work in this genre. I gently say this one does not differ much from most of the others---and you want it to differ. Differ, or heat up.
This is on the verge of erotica but does not carry through. Give yourself permission to describe the hot scenes in the way that would heat you up.
Or go for romance with a little spice. I see you trying to do that here, but I believe you need more emotion. You have made the male the protagonist, so go with that.
Kudos for some unique descriptions! That said, I think this poem needs some work.
First, in the beginning stances I see a shock factor to draw the reader in. This is perfectly fine. The problem is you did not follow through with the titillation.
Second, your rhythm is off throughout.
Third, several words are used incorrectly:
Though, I think of you every now and then,
Moments with you, now converted in disdain,
Memories that make our souls convene,
When the world dissolves, I am lost again.
Though I think of you every now and then
Moments with you now convert to disdain.
Memories that once made our souls convene
When that world dissolved and I am lost again.
There is a decent call to emotion here but the presentation of it could be better.
I got the feel of a 1920s noire here. At first I thought "Been done too many times."
To clarify, I read a LOT of mysteries. Some I toss after the first volume. Some I've read the entire multibook series.
I stuck with this piece to see where it would go. It went where I would follow. That is, it caught and held my interest 'Who's murder?"
"Mine," said no one."
Kudos for cutting the chapter off at just the right time. There was a definite draw there to continue the story, which I believe is the perfect way to not quite cl0se a mystery book paragraph.
Once I got into the story I saw how the flavor fit the presentation. I still would like to see the first sentence be a real grabber. I know what you have written is the way most mysteries of this type start. This isn't most mysteries.
For pure hook power I would swap the first two paragraphs. It doesn't change the information but is a better eye catcher.
Other than that, I thought this was a well written suspense piece. You left just enough bread crumbs to keep the reader interested and just enough space to let the reader use their own imagination to terrorize themselves.
Your truths are well structured. That said, I would like to see you separate the definitions more definitely. This would make it easier for older eyes to read. Ditto on the large paragraphs.
I would also like to see a better organization of subjects. You write well, although I've never subscribed to the belief that grammar is not necessary for writing to be good. Within that frame, there is a significant amount of back and forth between subjects here as well.
This seems to be today's style, so be it. I would still like to see some concessions to eye health.
Bravo for a truly emotional, albeit wishful piece. I found the character development well done--light brush strokes as it were.
In reality though, Jerry would not get away with such overt prejudices. In private where no one could stick their nose in, yes. I understand the over the top action was necessary to elicit a deeper response, although neither Jerry's behavior nor the lovely ending are likely in today's world.
I was a volunteer advocate for special education children for 40 years. I learned to advocate and to teach others how because both my children and their children are impaired. In addition, one of my daughters teaches children on the spectrum. All of that just to say I am speaking from a point of experience.
Stories are the soul of the culture. They are sacred. So are the people who share them. I see that innate understanding of that concept in this introductory piece.
If you haven't done so already you might be interested in the place the bard/storyteller held within the societies of the world, ancient and modern.
I think you have a good skeleton for a story here, but it definitely needs some muscle(action) and flesh(character development).
To be honest, this is a very thread worn plot line. It needs something different, something unique to set it apart. There are several ways you can do this.
1. Make that first sentence, that first paragraph grab your reader's attention and draw them into the story. I often do this by using a question (Who said Angelique was allowed to fall in love at 14?), or a provocative statement (It was obvious from the start of puberty that Love was not going to be kind to Angelique.)
2. Make your reader care about your characters. Get them to
feel their joy, share their pain, hang on their hope. That takes a lot of empathetic descriptors.
3. Be sure of where you want to take your audience. Is there a moral to the story? If so, what is it? How will you present it---hopefully without being preachy?
I would love to see you develop this story one section at a time. There is talent here. It just needs to find its own power and let it loose.
Wow. I love your vivid descriptions. I live in Northern Michigan and am very familiar with the driving conditions you described. I, too, have been thrust into the hell between control and "Oh God here I come!"
There are some portions of the piece that need editing, but over all I have only one suggestion: Spice up your first sentence and paragraph. Don't wait until further on in the story to hook your audience. Draw the reader in with a question (Ever take a sleigh ride to hell?), or a provocative statement (Sometimes the devil has the wheel and all you can do is let go.).
Your ability with descriptions and action sequences tells me you will find this easy to do.
A beautiful prayer indeed. It felt like a touch of spirit was flowing over me as I read it. That alone makes it stand out in my mind, but the crafting of the first letters to bring out yet another prayer was more than impressive.
This prayer will stay with me for a very long time. Thank you.
I can feel the depths from which these word pictures were drawn. The loving relationships within that touched me deeply. Beyond that, I loved the cozy, intimate feel of the interactions and the well crafted descriptions that brought that out. The alliterations were delightful as well.
The emotional feel of the poem reminds me of Reba Macintire's song "The Greatest Man I Never Knew". All in all I think this was a very memorable piece of art.
Nice job! I liked the organization of your work. I also appreciated the brevity of your explanations. There are so many forms this disorder intertwines with it that it's difficult sometimes to figure out what is where. I think you did well in presenting a specific presentation---bi-polar and paranoia.
I wish I'd had your clarity on the issue much earlier in life. I did not find out I had bi-polar disorder until I was 50 years old. My red flags were missed because the medical profession kept attributing my symptoms to depression alone. Had they separated the information as this work does I may have gotten the proper treatment much earlier.
Thank you for this informative work. It should be a benefit to a lot of people.
This is cute. That said, I would work on two things. First, the rhyming pattern seems off to me. I would also like to see the content go somewhere with a solid goal in mind.
Perhaps I'm off, or misinterpreting your direction. I would still like to see something like this:
I'm a humble snake, I slither all around
Through grass and weeds and sprinkling seeds
Up the hills and down.
There is a different rhythm here that puts the work into a recognizable form. It is indicative of, but not exclusive to, children's poetry. "Children's poems" does not denigrate the work by any means. That rhythm has kept a lot of information in heads for a long time.
Again, in the next segment:
Nothing frightens me—the opposite is true
People run away from me when I come in view
I am not trying to take your work or to cut it down. I would just like to see this most excellent idea rock and roll a bit more.
I have edited for a small publisher and have read countless short stories and several books. I can honestly say your work here equals or excels any I have read.
First, there is the hook that pulls the reader in. Moving from there, you keep a suspense that draws the reader on into the drama. The psychological build up is intense and opens the door for the gripping ending.
Which is not really closure but another hook that draws the reader forcefully into the next chapter.
I would have to read more of the book to assess the over all fit of the chapter, how the characters, setting, and action interact with one another and how well each of those are developed. If that quality is maintained throughout I would say you have a winner here.
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