Lovely ending here. I also like the use of repetition that leads to a deeper meaning, at least to me. To me this shows a clear "same old same old" but with new challenges.
Maybe I'm reading too much into a poem that is simply categorizing memories. but this touches me. Maybe because hubby and I have had 56 years of life together and lived what you are writing.
Cute, and well put together---sort of The Chrismas Carolish.
I especially like the technique using dialogue to develop the character and the action. You gave enough of a nod to draw word pictures but not so much as to distract.
Given today's restrictions on this venerable holiday, I found it to be a nicely comic protest.
First, there are writers and publishers who totally ignore grammar and concentrate on content. They say the grammar doesn't matter if the story is good. They are wrong. I nearly passed this work by because it was too difficult to read without sentence and paragraph divisions.
Reading through it, I am seeing this has value to a specific market. I am not in that group---giants and shrinking---and so find it very difficult to rate. I did because I am reviewing all kinds of genres, but it's just not my taste in reading.
Nice twist ending! I would equate it to O Henry, but he also gave his readers a subtle path that made the twist possible, something they could look back on and think "I should have caught that!"
I don't know if this is written for a contest or not. If so, go with your flow. If not, I'd like to see you "O Henry" this write.
Honestly, I don't know why you labeled this erotica. Romance, definitely although it could easily fall into other categories of relationships but not erotic.
That said, I found it to be quite lovely. I especially like the repeat rhythm in the beginning of each stanza. You painted a beautiful word picture here.
I see a good skeleton of a story here, but I think it needs some fleshing out. It works as an essay, but it needs more development to really be considered a short story.
For instance, I would start with the crash because it is a dramatic event that will draw the reader in to find out more. Something like "No one saw it coming..."
There is a nice plot line here for a short story if you'd want to fill it out some more.
I think this write carried darkness quite well. I especially liked the use of the question technique you used.
As a personal foible, I like writing that yanks my attention with the first sentence and drags me into the story immediately. You did this, and crafted the rest of the piece so well I wanted to continue reading.
I really like this one. The descriptions evoked my senses throughout. I love the month of October and think you portrayed it well, almost as though it was a character rather than a setting.
The ending was beautifully poignant (hope I spelled that right). It was a surprise, but a lovely one, a wistful one, one that dusted over the melancholy so often found in other worldly depictions.
I think you caught the essence of most mothers with infants very well. I raised my two daughters from birth. Later I raised their two daughters from toddlers. Obviously I know of what you are describing.
You do a good job of portraying the ever present challenges, challenges that are only partially met; challenges that pile up like the laundry, dishes, and tending to a child's needs. The main challenge of being overly weary from carrying the child, birthing the child, and your own body betraying you with hormones and wild emotions.
You write horror very, very well. The descriptions are innovative. They build the horror and draw the reader forward into the intensity of the world being created.
Kudos on starting out with a compelling first paragraph. It grabbed my attention and drew me forward into the story, a very important element in any write.
The pace was good as well. It kept me reading on and kept me captivated by the storyline.
The information you gave concerning the various characters and settings was just right. You neither over did those developments nor left the reader with too little. As it is, you gave the reader a pathway for them to let their own imaginations fill in the blanks---an element too many writers neglect or cannot pull off.
The closure was perfect, leaving the reader a taste of horror to take with them.
I understand this is flash fiction, but it needs more. Specifically, I saw no closure. The opening set up leads the reader to expect more along the lines of the elements causing Rueben's problems. Given that, the card game seems like just one more difficulty rather than the center of the story.
There could be closure if the last sentences went something like
"Seems like everything in this miserable place is out to get me."
To accommodate the extra lines you might pare down the first section.
You caught my interest immediately. Kudos for that. You also drew me into the story and made me want to read more--another important element.
I also like the way you took the usual superhero into an entirely different place than one would expect from this kind of story.
Interesting, different, and definitely worth reading more. I would do just that, but I am a newbie and am exploring through a lot of material to get acquainted with the site.
That said, I also think there are a number of unnecessary parts that slow down the write and do nothing to add to the story.
First, I would begin by eliminating the first few paragraphs and begin with:
Something had changed.
Usually this place gave her a lot of peace. Just out of work, she had been looking forward to that. Usually she walked a couple of blocks and reached the Alameda,a square. This lovely spot had tree-lined paths fed by a water channel that crossed it from end to end--the perfect place to let the day's stress drop away before she got home.
Sometimes, she would sit on a bench under her favorite tree in this spot, an ancient evergreen oak, as old as the church behind it. It is said that the tree existed long before the Alameda was built.
Sometimes she would shhhshhh through autumn leaves or stop to admire the dots of wild flowers popping up here and there.
Today was different.
Cuts like that bring the reader into the story immediately and give you room to work.
Personally, I would slow this action down. If you have to create a second chapter to accommodate this or a longer version it would be worth the effort.
I have read quite a few pieces of work in this genre. I gently say this one does not differ much from most of the others---and you want it to differ. Differ, or heat up.
This is on the verge of erotica but does not carry through. Give yourself permission to describe the hot scenes in the way that would heat you up.
Or go for romance with a little spice. I see you trying to do that here, but I believe you need more emotion. You have made the male the protagonist, so go with that.
I got the feel of a 1920s noire here. At first I thought "Been done too many times."
To clarify, I read a LOT of mysteries. Some I toss after the first volume. Some I've read the entire multibook series.
I stuck with this piece to see where it would go. It went where I would follow. That is, it caught and held my interest 'Who's murder?"
"Mine," said no one."
Kudos for cutting the chapter off at just the right time. There was a definite draw there to continue the story, which I believe is the perfect way to not quite cl0se a mystery book paragraph.
Once I got into the story I saw how the flavor fit the presentation. I still would like to see the first sentence be a real grabber. I know what you have written is the way most mysteries of this type start. This isn't most mysteries.
For pure hook power I would swap the first two paragraphs. It doesn't change the information but is a better eye catcher.
Other than that, I thought this was a well written suspense piece. You left just enough bread crumbs to keep the reader interested and just enough space to let the reader use their own imagination to terrorize themselves.
Your truths are well structured. That said, I would like to see you separate the definitions more definitely. This would make it easier for older eyes to read. Ditto on the large paragraphs.
I would also like to see a better organization of subjects. You write well, although I've never subscribed to the belief that grammar is not necessary for writing to be good. Within that frame, there is a significant amount of back and forth between subjects here as well.
This seems to be today's style, so be it. I would still like to see some concessions to eye health.
Bravo for a truly emotional, albeit wishful piece. I found the character development well done--light brush strokes as it were.
In reality though, Jerry would not get away with such overt prejudices. In private where no one could stick their nose in, yes. I understand the over the top action was necessary to elicit a deeper response, although neither Jerry's behavior nor the lovely ending are likely in today's world.
I was a volunteer advocate for special education children for 40 years. I learned to advocate and to teach others how because both my children and their children are impaired. In addition, one of my daughters teaches children on the spectrum. All of that just to say I am speaking from a point of experience.
Stories are the soul of the culture. They are sacred. So are the people who share them. I see that innate understanding of that concept in this introductory piece.
If you haven't done so already you might be interested in the place the bard/storyteller held within the societies of the world, ancient and modern.
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