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Review of Finding Myself  Open in new Window.
Review by Zac Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
It was interesting, even if a little weird. A couple typos, though. In the second paragraph, "handa" instead of "hands" and "buitl" instead of "built". Understandable, really. Also, a few suggestions:

"That glimmer in his eye of pure joy sparked a little bit of anger she felt towards him, which just built and buitl until the red-hot anger blinded her."

First, "That glimmer in his eye of pure joy..." is a little awkward to me. I would try: "That glimmer of pure joy in his eye..."

There should be a "the" in between of "of" and "anger" i think.

Also, and this is just a suggestion, I think it would be cool to build on that visualization of a "spark" and "red-hot anger", like a fire growing and spreading.

'The last thing she heard was something her mother told her, "Hun, please, never give up." She thought to herself as the welcoming arms of death greeted her, "I never did mom, I never did."'

I think the "She thought to herself as..." bit is unneeded. I would just leave it out. At the risk of being pretentious, this is how I'd rewrite it:

'The last thing she heard was something her mother told her:

"Hun, please, never give up." The welcoming arms of death greeted her.

"I never did mom, I never did."'

But then again, what do I know? Keep up the good work. I hope I gave you something useful, newbie to newbie.

See you around!
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