An interesting slice of life, and karmic comeuppance for a thoroughly distasteful protagonist. A nice balance of exposition and action. All in all, a solid piece of writing.
There are a few areas for improvement, however:
”Okay,” growled Captain Prell. “Let’s get us some glory, a few more scars, and some strong and healthy slaves.”
This passage goes over the top. You have already established the Pern as a race of slaver bullies. Why push it that much in our faces?
the glory point Prell had spoken of before was mute,
This is a very unclear passage. Glory point? Why call it a "point"? Also, the last word doesn't make sense. Did you mean "moot" here?
As the Pern raiding party, which now numbered six with the loss of Brid moved closer to the settlement,
There seems to be a comma missing between "Bird" and "moved", thus:
"As the Pern raiding party, which now numbered six with the loss of Brid, moved closer to the settlement,"
The last thing Captain Prell saw, was a sight that could make even a Pern’s blood run cold as the rest of the villagers entered the clearing.
This sentence isn't as effective as it could be. That's bad, because it's the climax of the story. By the time we get to "the rest of the villagers entered the clearing", it has gone on so long it's lost its power. Perhaps move the entry of the villagers to earlier in the sentence, thus:
"The last thing Captain Prell saw was the rest of the villagers entering the clearing, a sight that could make even a Pern’s blood run cold."
Actually, I don't like that either. This sentence needs to be punched up somehow. How about:
"The last thing Captain Prell saw was a flood of angry villagers entering the clearing, a sight that made even the Pern ship captain’s blood run cold."
Anyway, a good solid story, and a great twist at the end.
I hope this review has been helpful to you. I look forward to reading more. |