I like the fact that the moon is personified in this piece, but I'm not sure What you're getting at. Correct me if I'm wrong. Is this your message: progressively growing cities are taking away from the beauty of nature? If so, I think it needs to be a bit clearer. Otherwise, great job.
A clever metaphor that makes the reader think, as well as, is entertaining. It is nice when a whimsical piece, such as this, can be so truthful, too. Great job!
I know this must have been so incredibly hard to write, but the purging of these words was obviously a necessity. What beautiful art to be born from such tragedy. This is usually the case, though. Just think, with the death of one unborn, a powerful piece of poetry was born.
First of all, I want to say that this piece overall is very easy to understand, due to its clear format. The poet seems to feel ignored by everyone around her.
It is made more powerful in the last stanza, where the poet unexpectedly tells the reader not to "return [her] smile," instead of pleading with the reader to pay more attention.
I wonder, though, if the message would be even more powerful if the poem were a narration of two other people. In this way, the poet would step outside of herself and perhaps tell the story from another viewpoint, possibly connecting with her reader more easily.
For instance, the last stanza told as a narration would read, "So when [he] see[s] [her] walking by/ dare [he not] to return [her] smile,/ 'cause she knows that he's too busy/..."
A few typos and grammatical errors are also present, as follows:
1)'Walking by people [who] don't see me'.
2) 'Not a smile[,] or[,] "hello[,]"'
3)'So when you see me walking by[,]/ don't dare return my smile,'. Just leave out the word 'to', and it sounds much smoother.
4)'The solitude [is] much easier/ [than] to notice me'.
I think the writer may notice that with just these few mistakes fixed, the poem would be much easier to enjoy.
I hope that I may have the privelege to read this piece and review it again, once editing is complete.
This is a very powerful poetic message for women, and men, everywhere. Unfortunately, quite a few typos infest its beauty. Without these small errors, though, this piece would be first rate!
***"swamped in louse pants" should be "swamped in [loose] pants"
***"white collar shirt-suffacated" I believe should be "white collar shirt[--suffocated]"
***"fo a funeral" should be "[for] a funeral"
***"and neat-" should be "and neat[--]" A single hyphen (-) is used for hyphenated words; whereas, a double hyphen (--) denotes a break or pause in thought.
***"as i'm allowed" should be "as [I'm] allowed"
***Again, double hyphens (--) should replace the single hyphens (-) after the words, "sky," "couch," "head,"skylight," "bunn," and "bunn" should be "[bun]."
***Should "heavens peeping skylight" be "heaven[']s peeping skylight?" I'm not sure what was intended.
Also, I'm not sure if you need to include the comma (,) after "The Man..." as it seems to crowd the line, but that's only my personal opinion. Otherwise, I really like this piece.
This piece still portrays a sense of solitude from a child's perspective as she longs for her father's embrace. The main difference here, is that the reader doesn't so much get a sense of anger or sadness from the daughter as one feels the unconditional love a child feels for his/her parent, no matter how neglected or abused that child may be in reality. Children, just as the poem suggests, are truly "angelic."
Another very powerful free verse piece reflecting on a family and cultural tradition that, perhaps, the author feels is unnecessary and more of a hindrance for female growth than a celebration of womanhood and marriage. The use of dialogue is very clever in that it gives the reader a better sense of the blindness of whom the author is discussing. Wonderful.
Awesome use of the word 'cling'. I can actually hear it in my mind as I read the poem. I had no idea. Here I am in America, complaining about the price being as high as $2.30/gallon. Jeez! Now I'm grateful. Thank you for your enlightenment. Otherwise, I would have continued in ignorance.
Well, certainly the author must continue this piece. We're all dying to know what happens next!!! As I said before, there are some typos. If she would like any help with editing, I'd be happy to oblige. Other than that, what are you waiting for?! Write it already!;)
First of all, I would like to say that this piece is a wonderful autobiographical account of a treasured, yet disdained, keepsake. It is a very human piece that many may connect with. I would suggest, though, that the author edit this piece to make it more cohesive, as there are typos and grammatical errors. For example, in the 1st paragraph, third line, appears a misspelled word, probably the consequence of a typo, "ref[l]ection." Furthermore, in the 1st paragraph, 5th line, "but somewhere inside of me because of the Elvis sightings"--is this his home, inside of you? I'm a little confused. Nonetheless, this is a light and humorous story, written from the author's life in first person narration. By editing this piece, I believe it would draw even more admirers, for its humanity. I was able to connect with one anecdote in particular, "ADHD for reading five books at a time." LOL--I used to read a few books at once, myself, when I was younger; infact, in elementary school, I would stay up all hours of the night reading. If the author would be so inclined--and not be stifled by her ADHD--I would encourage her to write her memoirs, as they would be a beautiful story.
Wow! Stunning. I really felt as if I was there. This is a wonderfully descriptive piece that tells the story of a reclusive woman, who, despite her antisocial behavior, seems quite content just to be alive. The only mistake that really stood out amongst this splendid piece of writing was a spelling mistake, which was probably nothing more than an overlooked typo. In paragraph five, first line, near the end,"panoroma" should be "panor[a]ma." Other than that, I was quite satisfied upon completing this read. Excellent job!
This piece has much potential, though I wouldn't classify it as a short story, because it lacks an ending, and many questions are left unanswered. I think it would be better as the start to a longer story, or even novel.
There are also many run-on sentences, which make it hard to read. If you need help wiht this, I'd be happy to give you some pointers through e-mail.
The unanswered questions are as follows:
1)Why is Gabriella's mother Jasmina so adamant about keeping her daughter away from Gerrus? Is it jealousy? You need to make her motives clear.
2)Is Jasmina trying to teach Gerrus a lesson? It seems that, with this new form of a skeleton, he can fight off evil. Is this Jasmina's intention? Again, her motives are unclear.
3)Who is Lord Bachirellus? You have introduced an entirely new element to your plot and then suddenly end your story. Your audience needs to know what happens next and how this new character ties into the story as a whole.
Overall, this piece lacks a climax. It starts at a very high energy with Jasmina turning Gerrus into a Skelor Demon (by-the-way, this term needs to be introduced from the beginning, instead of just saying 'creature') without any buildup. There is lots of action but no point to any of it. The plot then suddenly turns its focus to a new character at the very end of the story. Please work on it some more, and I'd be happy to give you another review.
Stunning words. One thing I noticed, though: when you wrote, "The arrow of your physic stabs my heart," did you actually mean 'psyche'? I'm not sure of the intentions here. Please clarify. Otherwise, a beautiful love poem.
This is a fairly well-organized piece addressing the difficulties of getting over an ex-loved one. Forgetting is the key in this one, though, as the author reminds her reader, we must also remember that life goes on with or without the ex. It is short and sweet but ends a bit roughly. Maybe more stanzas with remembering, rather than forgetting, would do the trick of making this a well-rounded poem. Also, I feel--and this is only my personal opinion here--that the reader could do without the last line, "To forget is one of the hardest things to do." Perhaps this line could be the start of more stanzas dealing with rememberance. Overall, this is a good start to a decent poem.
A few typos and mispelled words occur, but this is on its way to becoming a solid start for the author. Great job. One typo is this: "And most of these wingmen that the scramble klaxon didn't go off everyday," with emphasis on "wingmen that." I'm not quite sure what the author is trying to say, but I'm sure it's just a missing word. I am very glad he finally decided to come out of his shell here at WDC!!!;)
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 2:45pm on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
