\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dormael
Review Requests: OFF
47 Public Reviews Given
106 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 ... Next
1
1
Review by Dormael Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
The story keeps getting interesting turns.
The relationship between the characters is spectacular, very unusual but that makes it fun to read.

I'm gonna dispense with a lot of praises now because you heard them befor in the previous chapters. *Smile*

Will's father is a very strange character, and the way he treats Will is ..., well I don't have a word for it. Perhaps: weird.

Although the new characters you bring in: Lila and Grace, it's not clear who they are exatly and what their motivation for their actions are.
It's good to keep the reader in suspense, but further on you have to make it a bit more clear just who they are.
Will's character is also a bit too mysterious, the reader doesn't feel symphaty or dislike for him.

For example: there is a paragraph when someone is talking, and it takes too long for the reader to figure out that Lila is at word. It's distracting for the reader, and the reader tends to dismiss what is told by Lila.

You should have a look at this chapter and try to revise it.


But so far; I'm still enjoying your story.


Again, here are my notes and humble opinions.


The words pour from her moist red lips like mutard gas.
Did you mean: mustard gas?

This is why I try to keep the girls seperate from here.
I think you meant: seperate from her. Or do you mean the room? Then you might rephrase this sentense.

...he says practiaclly reading my mind...
just a typo: practically

he tumbles through the curtain into our room...
Forgot to capitalize the h. (start of a sentence)

The king pauses after he enters and holds his places his cane back on the floor where he holds the handle proudly.
This sentence needs fixing.
Suggestion:
"The king pauses after he enters and places his cane back on the floor, holding the handle proudly."

My head feels as if it___about to burst out of rage
I think you forgot a word: "...as if it is about...".

He touches his leg to my thigh...
Suggestion: "He touches my thigh with his leg..."
or: "He place his leg against my thigh...".


Keep up the good work.

greetings
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
2
2
Review of Chapter 5: Will  Open in new Window.
Review by Dormael Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Rini, it's me again. *Smile*
Just hooked on you story. *Wink*

Every positive comment I said in the reviews of the previous chapters still stands.

It's nice that in this chapter the reader finds himself in a different setting. (I was getting bored of the desert. *Wink* joke)

I love how you put each main character down, by showing what kind of persons they are. That is because your lead character tells the story and she doesn't know yet herself how the other characters are like. *Thumbsup*
And the details you give all of the character that are important to their backgrounds.
Like for example Will's father.

The lead character you brought to live is so great. All the emotions she goes through, simply amazing.
And her behavior, I as a reader feel for her.

The story keeps evolving in a very intriguing way.
Like how Kiarra falls in the hands of a man whose parents she viciously attacked before.
So far you never lost my attention.


Yet again I'm going to bombard you with notes I took while reading.
To help you reflect on what and how you written this chapter.
(Don't feel bad about them.)


...but I cant recall the last time I just felt this much,...
just a typo: can't

...and scared_the man I ruined is lurking around this city.
Forgot a word here: "...scared that the man..."

A guard grabs my arm as Commander appraoches the other.
Before this sentence there is no mention of these guards in your story. So it feels quite bumpy when you introduce them this way. Perhaps "another one" instead of "the other".

Commander's guard holds a bag in his hand. My guard looks at me and feels all over me. Commander took me away after he did that, the guards will take me to.
You seem to have trouble expressing the whole scene and actions here. I personally find the events unclear at this point.
Especially the sentence I underlined: I think you made a mistake or two here.

Instead he brings his gloved hand down over my face and I fall in blood.
"in blood" is too undefined.
Perhaps something like: "in the blood on the floor".

...and I bother not to look up.
Suggestion: wouldn't it sound better with: "...don't bother..."?

The man with the club rushes past me, the girl violently screams as the gentleman tries to demand his guard_cease his actions.
Did you meant: "...demand his guard to cease..."?
What is happening here is also confusing. This man tries to stop the guard, but in the next sentence it seems like he couldn't stop the guard.
At first I thought that this gentleman was just a visitor to the palace, a buyer, but later on we know he is the father of the owner of the palace (king?). So it's strange that he has no authority over the guard.
Or do I see this wrong?

That's all my late wife wanted was a daughter.
This is not correct.
Suggestion: either "All that my late wife ever wanted was a daughter." or "That's all my late wife ever wanted, a daughter."

...he said deeply, his voice is low and dark and clashes with the melancholy tone to his voice.
I suggest splitting this sentence.
Also: "...the melancholic tone in his voice."

But hs face softens and he stands eye level with me.
just a typo: his

I lounge around the room seeking comfort in corners, on the benches in the room, and lying in the floor.
I feel there is no need for: "in the room".
Also it's: "lying on the floor".

The fate of concubines are so beautiful.
"are" should be "is". The fate is beautiful. (Perhaps the concubines also,... when I try to visualize them. *Smile*)

It is a bueatiful and easy life for a woman,...
just a typo: beautiful

This is how he treats them all, the naive soul.
Did you just forgot the s? Do you refer to the concubines or to Will?

Normally the new girls are ecsatic.
just a typo: did you mean "estatic"?


I hope this review encourages and helps you in your effort to write this wonderful story.

greetings,
your friend
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
3
3
Review by Dormael Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello again Rini.

On the story I can't say anymore than I said on the previous chapters.
I still like it a lot. *Smile* *Thumbsup*

I admire your inspiration and creativity.
And I feel you put your soul into this story. (And deep emotions)
I think that's what a reader should expect from a writer (novice, avid or professional). Of 99% of importance, the rest is about flaws in writing.

This chapter is not as action filled as the others, but that doesn't and shouldn't matter. All what you tell in this chapter is necessary for the whole story.

Kiarra's past is amazing (thought out) and it's good that you let her tell it as the actual story and plot go on.

I might just assume this, but you learned to improve your writing after the first chapters.
Keep going and never get discouraged.


As always, beneath are some notes I made during reading this. Just my humble opinions you can take or leave at your desire.
Here goes:

Judging by the dreary grey-blue colours I see through the tent fabric I know it is before sunrise.
I think that you can leave out "I see". Show instead of tell. Show the colours, the reader knows that Kiarra sees them because she tells the story.

I lay still as I can,...
I lay as still as I can,...

They weren't going to sell him, but since they knew no money would come from him, give him away.
Here the comma should be after "but"; the reason in this sentence should be between the commas.
"..., since they knew no money would come from him,..."

I beat the window with my fist, the sill, the wall, the bed, and the door.
Although I like to technical visualize this sentence *Smile* it's wrong. You say she beats the window with: her fist, the sill, the wall, the bed, and the door. If that won't break the window than it must be a strong window. *Smile* Try to rewrite this sentence. Suggestion: "I also hit the sill, the wall, the bed, and the door."

He told me about his journey....
You start a paragraph with this sentence and it isn't clear at first that you are talking about her brother. Perhaps changing "he" to "my brother".
Also in this entire paragraph all the sentence the subjects are "he" and "him" (and "the man" and "the boy"). I feel it isn't very clear to who they all refer to.

The old lady combs my hair with a wax-dipped comband proceeds to pull it back in a sleek bun.
Just a typo: no space between the words "comb" and "and".

As a final touch, she smiles as me for the first time and pulls out a pair of pearly earrings from her apron.
Just a typo. I think "as" should be "at".

I do not smell rank as I did and...
I do not smell as rank as I did and...



I'm off to the next chapter asap.

greetings,
your friend
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
4
4
Review by Dormael Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey Rini.

You said to me that you feel that your story is getting weaker.
Au contraire; not in this chapter. *Smile*
It just gets better, it keeps my interest, no; it pins my interest down.
I love how the plot and the characters evolve.

It's intriguing how Kiarra develops feelings for Commander.
And the reader starts to get sympathy for Commander. In his way and in the context of this new world he is actually sweet to Kiarra,... in his own rough way. *Smile*

And all the flasbacks are great, perhaps a little over the top.
All pretty chilling. Especially when she killed that woman while smiling.
You know how to shock the reader. (In a good way.)

I personally as a reader can feel the emotions. You describe it marvelous. Sometimes it's so sad, and you really touch the reader.
You thoroughly thought your lead character out; her way of behaving and her background.

I really want to read further after this chapter.
*Thumbsup**Thumbsup*

*Exclaim* I advice to change the content rating to 18+ or even graphic content. *Exclaim*


As always: here are some notes I made while reading.
(It was torture for me cause I wanted to keep reading. *Wink*)

Overall: You should consider rewriting some parts in this chapter. Some troublespots only you as the writer can fix.

I see Commander's shadow step closer to him and he crosses his arms and leans back,...
The subject in the first part of this sentence is "Commander's shadow", so in the second part it is akward as "he" technically refer to the man's shadow rather than to the man himself. Perhaps change "he" to "Commander". I personally think it would be a nice touch if you use the word "Commander" two times in this sentence. Because it is Kiarra who is telling the story, and it can imply how she starts to feel about him. (You know like "Commander this Commander that", like a girl who is yapping about her boyfriend. *Smile**Wink*)
Or you can go further and refer to him as for example: "my avenger". Cause I feel she hopes that he avenges her, and later on she hopes he comes to comfort her.

Chef throws his arms up and the other men begin to step away.
It seems that the walk away from the scene, but don't they just step back to allow Commander and Chef to fight. Plus later on you tell that Commander knocked all three man down. So perhaps make it: "...the other men step back."
Also: wouldn't it be better if you write "Chef puts his arms up..." (before he fights) instead of throws.

Two minutes pass and Chef cries,...
Now I'm going to be cruel. (As cruel as I can get, you know I'm a sweet guy. *Wink**Pthb*)
Two minutes pass??? Come on, you were lazy here. Tell about the fight a little bit. I assume the two other men also joined in cause you write later on that they lie on the ground too.
Write in a fight scene here. Something like: I see the shadows of the two other men join the shadows of the fighting men. The silhouettes move from left to right and with each swing of limbs I hear smashes and grunts. .... for example. *Smile*

He turns the opposite direction and begins walking away.
I think this is a show-&-tell issue. Suggestion:
"...and walks away."

Once again I became hopeful as he began_ towards the tent entrance once more.
"became": you switch tense here.
You forgot a word after began. But same s&t issue here. And I feel you can leave the last two words "once more". Suggestion:
"Once again I become hopeful as his shadow approaches the entrance."

The intercourse before sleep must trigger them.
It's not clear what Kiarra means. Intercourse with Commander? Perhaps you should rephrase this: it was the first time with Commander I believe.

Nightmares of my family and how they died and my burning hatred for the bandits grows increasingly stronger.
It's like you are saying she has nightmares of her family. Shouldn't it be better to write: "Nightmares of how my family died"
Perhaps splitting this sentence, she may have nightmares of the bandit too, but it's strange that she has nightmares of her feelings towards them.

I wake up, eat, ride, eat agian,...
Just a typo you overlooked. "again"

A woman crawls up the hill to me.
A woman crawls up the hill toward me.

Her muscle, deeply burned in some areas, shows through her lack of skin.
This is a sentence you should consider to rewrite. Which musle? Or plural. Seeing the burn wounds through the skin?

I think to myself_ If I could talk...
A period or colon after "myself".



Keep up the good work.
your friend
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
5
5
Review by Dormael Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
First of all I must say I enjoyed reading this.
It never lost my attention.
The pace is very good.

But it would be nice if you described the characters and the surroundings a little bit.

I can't yet determine in what kind of world or what time we are. The first and last paragraph are very mysterious.
This is a first chapter of a long story, right?
Cause I hope to find out more.

I'm not familiar with this "superhero-genre" but it was very entertaining.

You do a very great job at the action scene, which basicly this entire piece is.
Very exciting. The reader gets thrown into the whole thing and it keeps on rolling.
Especially the dialogues woven into the action is amazing. *Thumbsup*


Like I said before: I read for pleasure, not mistakes. ...

Although I made some notes I think are troublespots.
And I noticed some typos you probably just overlooked.
Keep in mind: just my humble personal opinions, and suggestions you may take or leave.
I don't want to temper with your creation.

Here goes:


The Creature has Behemoth in the first floor office area. It throws Ean though a cubical wall and stomps on his chest.
You switching from "Ean" to "Behemoth" to refer to this same person. It's very confusing. I suggest choose one name to refer to him. It's okay that he has both names.
Also "the Creature": at first I thought it was okay to capitalize the C if you want to make that it's name. But later on you call it Seventeen, and at the end Creature Seventeen.
To me it doesn't feel right. I would suggest: "the creature" when the reader don't know it's name yet, "Seventeen" when another character speaks to it, and "creature Seventeen" when speaking about it.

The digitized scream reaches Oliver in the van. He takes a pistol out of the glove compartment and gets out of the car.
First you call it the van and then the car. Doesn't feel right. If you want to substitute the word van I suggest "vehicle".
Or in the last sentence you can make it: "and he gets out." (period) The reader will know he gets out of the van.

The van smashes into him, breaks squealing as the Creature skids across the street.
A typo you overlooked. brakes

The abused wheels and axils...
A typo you overlooked. axles

You're coming in early this mourning.
A typo you overlooked. morning


I hope my review was useful.

greetings
your friend
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
6
6
Review by Dormael Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey Rini.

Like in the first chapter, the way you write Kiarra down is amazing. The emotions and the lack of emotions she goes through is astounishing.
This story (as far as I read it) has some dark sad tone to it.
I just love it. The genre appeals to me.
I can't think of more praises to encourage you. To me this is great. *Thumbsup*
I definatly am gonna read the next chapters, when I have the time.

*Exclaim*I think you should change the content rating to 18+. There is a particular scene which is not for young eyes to read.*Exclaim*


I'm not the right person to check for grammar and spelling mistakes, but I made notes of things I feel are akward for the reader. *Down*
Remember: they are just my opinions, I don't want to temper with your creation.
Besides; they are just picky comments on details, cause overall I think you write very well.


My mind tells me: We can take her along, too. Just kill the children, we can eat the dog.
I think there should be a colon after "My mind tells me"
I don't understand to who "her" refers to. The old woman?? Because the bandits seem determined to take Kiarra already, so they want to take the old woman "too". ?? It isn't very clear.
Plus it's my personal opinion that you use too much comma's.

I, too, stand.
Again a comma too much. I see what you try to do; slow the reading pace a bit. (I do the same in my writing.)
My suggestion: "I too, stand." Just loose the first comma.

I feel faint and stammer to the side, losing my balance and falling.
Just a suggestion: breaking up this sentence after "losing my balance". Like this:
"I feel faint and stammer to the side, losing my balance. And I fall."
This way there is a pause after "losing balance", so make the reader visualize how Kiarra is waddling.

My arms break my fall and I look to the needle in my arm.
Again: splitting this into two sentences. I can't imagine she does this at the same time. She looks at the needle after she fell down.
"My arms break my fall." (the reader visualizes she lays on the ground) "I look at the needle in my arm."

He comes to me and grabs my face, turning it to each side.
The same issue again. He first grabs the face, then turns it. It feels like you describe a simultaneous movement. Suggestion:
"He comes to me and grabs my face and turns it to each side." (Okay this is a very picky comment of me *Smile*)

My cheeks can feel the cuts in his palms.
I think this is a show-and-tell issue. I can't help very much with that cause I make a lot of these mistakes. I feel that you should loose the word "can".
"My cheeks feel the cuts..."

I glare angrily at him and awkwardly shift positions so I may sit up.
Another very picky comment: perhaps chang "may" to "can". I also didn't understood at first what was going on. But that can just be me.

The commander tends to my feet each night before bed after a long day of walking.
I feel that the last part (I set in bold) of this sentence isn't necessary. With "each night" the reader can imagine it is before they go to sleep and the reader understands they are long days of walking. Show and tell: show in your story the long days of walking, don't tell they just are.

It hurts in my muscles, and in my skin, and in my chest. It hurts in my mind and my soul.
Just a detail: I like how you created this sort of new world dialect Kiarra uses, so perhaps make it also "...and in my soul."

...and snuggling the horse's soft back as he lays.
Forgot the s, but more important: I thought horses didn't lie down (to sleep).

I feel weight on my waist from a hand.
Maybe splitting this sentence: "I feel weight on my waist. It's a hand."

Commander throws water on me to wake me up.
You switch a couple of times in the story how you refer to this guy. "the commander" "commander" "Commander"
Choose one way: with or without "the" and with or without capitalizing the letter c.

If you wouldn't of run off without a trace...
I don't understand what went wrong in this sentence. Forgot a word or the word "of" isn't supposed to be there.

His knuckle is bruised and another runs down the length of his arm.
This is confusing: another bruise?
Suggestion:
"His knuckle shows a bruise on it, and another runs down the length of his arm."

I know it is time to leave and I pick up the water bucket.
I feel there should be the word "I" before "pick up".
Otherwise it's like "it's time to pick up the water bucket". It's time that she must leave, the she picks up the item.
Just a picky detail, but I think this changes the tone.

We take a break to let the horse drink and the men drink and eat and the commander comes to tend my feet and wrists.
I find this an akward sentence: too long and too many "and".

Many more come from the distance and as my brother tries to crawl towards me, they kill him. I run back home.
Perhaps splitting this first sentence.
Suggestion:
"Many more come from the distance and as my brother tries to crawl towards me. They kill him and I run back home."


I hope you don't get offended by my comments and suggestion.
And I hope you like my review.

greetings

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
7
7
Review of Red Tide  Open in new Window.
Review by Dormael Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I enjoyed reading this because I like these subgenres;
a mix of SteamPunk and Cosy Apocalypse.

My personal opinion about short stories like this one,... I don't like them. *Smile*
Why? Because I feel it has more potential. Once I'm into the story, the characters and the situation, I want to read more of it.
But offcourse you have your liberty as a writer to trim it the way you want it.

I like to read in the present tense. It's more exciting, as if it is happening while you read it. In past tense everything seem a bit boring.
I find it strange that most writers and readers (like here on wdc) want to hang on to stories in past tense.

You have great elements in this story, like the scientific aspect. Perhaps you did some research on it or know of these things like chemistry and biology. (Although a little bit more information for readers who are unfamiliar with it couldn't hurt.)

I have to bring up some bad points too I guess.
At the start and throughout the story there should be more descriptions, to visualize it all. Like how the characters look like, Victorian-age machinery and how devastated this place is.
Sometimes beginning with description can help setlle the reader before being thrown into the story and dialogues. It makes for an akward reading pace if the reader has to keep figuring out who says what and what kind of characters we're dealing with.
(Just my personal opinion, I'm no authority and I'm no better writer than you.)

What I found great parts:
- When Aidan discovered the red algea.
- When Gilbert comes to and how Lillian attends to him. Short but strong.

Parts I had trouble with:
- When Lillian finds Volker, that part should have been a bit longer or better transition to where the point that you tell about Volker helping Gilbert to the sick bay. The reading pace is to fast here.
- The ending (like I said before my personal opinion on this short story); it was empty and unsatisfying. This writing has so much potential. But it's your choice to do something more with it or leave it as is is.


I don't check for grammar and spelling mistakes.
First of all english isn't my first language. Second: because I want to enjoy reading someones work here, there are people here who are in a better position to do grammar and spelling. *Smile*

Although I noticed one typo you probably overlooked:

(something Volker says)
“but I a bit more like myself again. By God, what a trial this has been. I shouldn't complain, though. I'm alive". forgot that last quotation mark


Overall: a good read.
If you find my comments and opinions useful, feel free to ask me to elaborate on certain aspects.

greetings

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
8
8
Review by Dormael Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
(srry, I didn't have time to read this sooner, prior engagements...)

... Although I'm really loving this so far. *Smile*
I can't say nothing more than I said when commenting on the first tale. Great job.

The scene with Goku and Arale by the lighthouse, very beautiful. But as great as it may be, the writing style changed a bit here, a bit unfamiliar to the DB-style you kept up all the way. But in a fanfic, this can be very original. Something enriched to the whole thing.

I sometimes didn't understood the dialects, from Chichi and Obotchaman.
But you explained it at the bottom.

By the way, the author comment and explanations are appreciated at the end. Makes it more readable for readers not familiar with the DB-universe.

I spotted one error in the content.

Looking upwards, it rolled its eyes towards Goku and Chichi. "I wonder when they're going to realize no one's flying me?"
Okay, Goku isn't in the picture here. *Wink* It should be Obotchaman.


Now, let me extend my praises: WONDERFUL JOB.
If you have other DB-fanfic in mind, I suggest you start writing them down, because I wanna read them.
(okay, I'll finish reading the other tales first *Wink*)


greetings
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
9
9
Review by Dormael Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Bravo,... this was soooo cool.

As a big DragonBall-fanatic myself I really enjoyed this fanfic.

The style you use in writing this is awesome, it really made me visualize it cartoon-style.
I'm so stunned. *Wink*

High-quality writing combined with this off-the-wall universe,... just amazing. Not many can accomplish that.
Although you need to be familiar with DragonBall to feel and appreciate this.

A real tribute to the "saga", a tributing spin-off this truly is.
As action-filled as the cartoons are.

Plus honoring the characters as they are like as the originals. Like Goku, you really captured his naive nature, our young hero. Really funny stuff; his sayings and thoughts.
Reading a (unauthorized) story like this I found even more fun than watching the cartoons.

Also very original: weaving in the sound-effects like the way you did, they are really neccesary. Great job.

The story is off to a rolling start and I'm very intrigued, just wonderful.

Grammar and spelling: I didn't found anything wrong. (Although I'm not that capable to go in-depth on that, english isn't my nat. lang.) But I can spot errors sometimes and didn't spot anything in this piece.

So: great, great job. *Thumbsup*

ps: I love the illustration you included. Nice touch.

- greetings

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
10
10
Review by Dormael Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Amazing. *Thumbsup*
From the start you grabbed my attention and never lost it. Strong writing, strong narrations from the lead character. This was a wonderful tale (perhaps prologue) in an apocalyptic world. Great settings, the dessert, between rocks and sand. I personally love this genre. *Smile* My cup of tea.

The part when she found her little brother lifeless in the cave. That was a little emotional. But it was very original that your lead character wasn't that emotional. She seemed to be astray from normal human emotion. Genious. *Thumbsup* Applause.
Plus it really adds to the overall feeling of the story. Did you know this genre is called "cosy apocalypse"? Although the word "cosy" is a bit ironic; it implies that there are just a few humans left in the world.

Please, please tell me there is more to this story. A follow up? *Smile*

The writing itself was very good and I didn't find any mistakes. Although I took some notes and have some minor suggestions. *Down* Remember; just suggestions you could think about.


It looked as if God (should he exist) had cleaved a giant mountain in half and left only half standing.
I would replace the hooks with comma's, it read a little bit different.

He was never one for physical assertion. He was weak. He would die soon, should I not find a protected place for him to go.
You have three sentences after each other starting all with the word "he". This disrupts the reading pace a little bit. Although I don't mean to tamper with your creation and the "new world"-dialect of your character, I have a (wild) suggestion:
He was never one for physical assertion. Weak was he, would've died soon, should I not find...

I waited, hours. Until the light of day and the initiating of the sandstorms. This may be pasted togheter. Another wild suggestion of mine:
I waited,... for hours,... for the light of day,... and for the initiating of sandstorms.

I ran, I did. As a reader I felt there was no need for the "I did"-part. Short two-words sentences like you use further on are great for the thrilling pace. Perhaps (another wild suggestion) you can come up with other actions that come along with trying to run in a dessert, like falling, sliding (off a dune), crawling,...

Now I would stop, nor hide, anymore. I feel that comma's are not needed in this sentence. Here you could create a fast pace in just this one sentence. To ressemble the sudden determination of the lead character.

Just some picky notes and comments, sorry. *Wink*


Great job with this, keep writing.

- greetings

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Invalid Item" Open in new Window.
11
11
Review of Ghost  Open in new Window.
Review by Dormael Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
This story definately has some suspense to it. *Thumbsup* The description of the setting comes over well.

The center part of the story, the rocking of the bed, was pretty thrilling. *Thumbsup* Althoug a tad to long to dwell on that.

The ending was a bit flat, how it was just an earthquake. Sorry, that is just my personal opinion and you can't please every reader.

My comment on the writing itself:
It was a bumpy read, due to the sometimes long sentences you use, and sometimes the choice of words.
A well measured length of the sentences can make this story more thrilling. I am definately not an expert on the matter myself, but as a reader I feel sometimes thrown off balance.
Also, you use some unfamiliar phrasings, I perhaps got struck on. It also disrupted the pace and flow while reading it.
Overall suggestion; go a bit more straight forward with the events taking place.

I took some notes on things I found rough. I hope you don't mind me pointing them out.
Here goes:

He had no news about my coming. He was a mild mannered local man. He looked a little worked up when he learnt that I was going to stay there for the night.
These three sentences read a bit bumpy and flat because they all start with "he". You could replace a "he" with "the care-taker" and paste the first two sentences togheter. Example suggestion:
The care-taker, a mild and mannered local man, had no news about my coming. He looked a little worked up when he learnt that I was going to stay there for the night.

They were obviously disrobed in the night unawares! I think the "s" should be dropped.

He was only putting _ across for my own benefit the experiences; some _ his own and some others narrated to him by others.
This sentence I find a little rough. Here is my suggested edit:
He was only putting the experiences across for my own benefit; some of his own and some narrated to him by others.

When I was half awake and my eyes were still closed,... Another bumpy read. Suggestion:
When I was half awake with my eyes still closed,...

My very first thought was; being the forest area, a big game could have trespassed into the cosiness of the guest house, if only to escape from the nippy nights out there in the jungle.
"being the forest area" doesn't feel right. Also, changing back and forth from "forest" to "jungle" is distracting and makes it hard for the reader to visualize the place. (You also do it further on.) I assume it is in a jungle due to some animals you mention later on. Although I don't know places were both bears and elephants live, I could be wrong. And you could drop the last words "in the jungle", because the sentences are getting too long. Suggestion:
My very first thought was; being in a jungle area, a big game could have trespassed into the cosiness of the guest house, if only to escape from the nippy nights out there.

It was an eerie silence but for the hissing, whistling and whining of the wind. This I also find a bumpy sentence. Suggestion:
Beyond the hissing, whistling and whining of the wind, there was an eerie silence.

Open I did my eyes but what I did find?
Perhaps it is a dialect I am not familiar with, sorry if it isn't. But here is my suggestion:
I opened my eyes,... but what did I found?

...could it be the handiwork of the spirits... handywork

After I reached home...
In the context of events it would sound better like:
After I got home...


Remember, these are what they are: suggestions. And my personal opinion. You can take them or leave them for what they are worth.

I sincerely hope that you are not offended in any way, this is an honest review. Which I hope you find useful.
If I went out of line; let me know.

Keep writing.

- friendly greetings

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
12
12
Review of The Blue Note  Open in new Window.
Review by Dormael Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a very great easy going short story. *Thumbsup*
Very beautiful how you describe the characters and their actions, their dialogues.
The reader can really identify with the lead character, and his romantic issues everyone will ever had.
I liked, no loved how you brought the element of music in this story. Being a musician myself and a casual music-theory teacher myself I found the descriptions about the playing familiar, and I don't think this will turn non-musicians off while reading the story.
It's all set in such a nice and warm atmosphere.
The story has a great progress and a nice twist at the end.

I always find it too bad that a short story with this potential isn't turned into something longer, like a novel or novela.

I just want to encourage you to do so Peter, you can let this one roll further, perhaps you will.

To me this is inspirational, I hope I can write down a love/romance story like this one.

Great job.


I took the liberty to take some notes while reading it; some, what I thought, were rough spots.*Down*

---

3th part:: A couple of times you wrote: "Lars's". I don't think the second s is neccesary, since it doesn't imply a verb but is short for "Lars his", so I think you may type "Lars'".

3th part 6th block:: "And what if, Lars thought..." It would look nicer if you did something different with his thoughts. Just a suggestion: "And what if?...Lars thought..." ; his thought in italic. Or just leave the "Lars thought" part out all togheter, because you do a great job of making the reader identify himself with the lead character, it's like thinking along with him. But keep the three periods behind the thought (...); that makes it a lingering, dreaming thought. There are other spots in this piece where you can apply this.
Remember: just a suggestion.

4th part 8th block:: "He also know(s) now,..." You forgot the s here.

4th part 10th block:: "Lars didn't hear Catherine calling her." Should be him, right? *Wink*
2 sentences later: a word he exclaims should be between "s; "****!", he said to himself.

5th part somewhere:: "He took care not to drink more than that one bottle." Something doesn't feel right about this sentence. Perhaps you want to look into this again.

5th part next block:: "Lars then noticed that her sister was passing by Jamie’s table to mingle; ..." Should be his sister, right ? You refer to Gladys, Lars his sister.

5th part, some blocks further:: "I have to check on my classmates in the next table." In the table ?? I guess you just overlook this; at the next table. *Smile* You also do it further on.

A bit further:: "I think Gladys's the one..."
This sounds a bit strange while reading. Just a suggestion: seperate it: "Gladys is".

A bit further:: "I plug them on..." Shouldn't it be "it" ? I assume he refers to his iPod, and that he only has one. You can also change the subject in the dialogue to "earphones". Example: he says: "yeah, I always have my earphones plugged in, I can't live without my iPod." Just a wild suggestion

A bit further:: "They excused themselves from the table that was getting louder and rowdier by the minute and by the bottle." *Thumbsup* Allright, just wanted to say I really like this phrasing. And peronally, I've been there, done that.

A bit further: "...her leg pressing on his leg." Sounds a bit strange. A suggestion; her leg pressing against his leg.

---

Oh, by the way; I think you may want to change the content-rating to 18+ or ASR, because of the usage of a swear-word one or two times, and the drinking and short dialogue of drinking.


I hope you find my comments useful, if I offended your writing skills in some way, let me know.

greetings

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
13
13
Review of On the Road  Open in new Window.
Review by Dormael Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
It's free verse, very very freeeeee verse. *Smile*
Not bad,
I guess you wanted to make an anology with how to live life.

Sometimes say wath the heck, and seek out some thrills. Most of the times be wise and play it safe.
And never lock your doors, like "no one is an island". Or something like that. *Smile*
I see what I want to see in it. *Wink*

I spotted one thing you may want to change:
"And I get a kick out of knowing that..."

Keep writing more.

greetings

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
14
14
Review by Dormael Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Wow, that's disturbing; 170 votes NO.
Luckily there are more votes on YES. (550 when I took the poll)

Guess there are intolerant people here on wdc as there are everywhere.
But everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

I voted yes, everyone deserves to be happy. In this case to marry their significant other. Whoever the significant others are.

I am hereby expressing my support and to all gays and lesbians here, by this public review.
Don't let anyone put you down.
15
15
Review by Dormael Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

First of all I want to say that I liked this first chapter very much.

Although space-pirates in a space-bar stories are becoming a bit cliché, I think the situations and dialogue in this piece are very intriguing.
But hey, I like bars, and I like rogues and anti-heroes as characters.
Your female lead is original and I feel that there is a lot of background about her.
She is immortal or has a long life due to the potion, right ?

Also, I like her twisted desires, you describe explicit. The lust for fights, alcohol,...
And that her crew helps her when she feel lonely in space, ?? euhm, do you mean by that what I think you mean ?? *Smile* Without going in-depth on this, you arouse the readers (as twisted like me *Wink*) imagination. (btw: why is this rated 13+ ? wouldn't it be proper for 18+, because of the booze, weed and the lead character)

This chapter has a perfect, yes PERFECT, flow to it, it made me read it non-stop to the end. If someone suggests you to break it down in paragraphs, I feel you don't need to. It all takes place in the same place, and it flows nicely.

Okay; here comes my picky critique: *Smile*
I feel you can describe things a bit more, some things you do, like the trio of men that walks in. But I mean little details, so the reader can imagine the bar, like for example the color of the walls or something like that. Just details, my suggestion for what it's worth.
Oh yeah, also, that planet of tropical islands. That must be a cool place. Perhaps just and extra line or two about this planet. Or you will probably give more information and descriptions about that later.

The format is great, what font did you use ? Times size4 ?? I like it, I want to use it myself this way.

On grammar and spelling I can't and won't judge on that, being that english isn't my native language and I have trouble myself. But it all seems okay, I didn't noticed any errors.
Although there was one or two things I would have phrased differently, but it wasn't that important.

A question: "...the Utopian responsible would have to choose between her life or her child’s life...", are all Utopians female ?

The main idea behind this story is rebellion and vengeance, right ? That's what I expect now. *Smile* I love these ind of stories.

I will definatly read your next chapters when I have the time. As soon as possible. You have me thirsty for more. So;... good job.

greetings

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
 Soulforged (story in progress) Open in new Window. [GC]
Forget your morals. Forget your ethics. You are enlisted. You gained dark command.
by Dormael Author Icon
16
16
Review by Dormael Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Aplause from me.

Thank you for sharing your opinion. I am very interested in reading stuff like this.

May I tell you about my perspective.
I am raised as an atheist. Here in Belgium we have 2 majorities: catholics and atheist (or perhaps agnostics spread among them).
But in my search for wisdom as an atheist you only fall back on phylosophy. I once was a member of a sceptic atheist community, but by research from there on I rolled into studying theology. As atheist I wonder why people believe in a god. And why the bible is still around in modern times. And by reading and studying the bible I found some real eye-openers, things that Jews and Christians don't see because of their (blind) faith. I found various valuable things I want to write articles about in the future. But offcourse with respect for everyones believe.
I get from your article that you think you can only have morals when you are religious. Atheists have also morals, accompanied by liberal thinking. (This is going to be a long discussion. *Wink*)
Much atheists are very tolerate toward believers, although we also have some bad seeds that think that all religion should be banned.
The same as you say in your article about believers: "a religion salesmen", someone who tries to sell their religion.

A detail about your article: you capitalized "Muslim".
Well done. Sometimes I read articles written by Christians that don't capitalize words refering to another religion than their own.
I used to not capitalize anything as an atheist; I would have written: christians and muslims.
I do now capitalize such things: Christians, Muslims,... as respect for the believers. And I'm hoping everybody will.
As you did as a Christian with respect to others.
But don't capitalize "atheist", we don't care. *Wink*

Very good article, I think you have a clear view on the subject and show respect (in this case to Muslims).

Hereby: respect to everyones faith, from
- Dormael, an amateur atheistic theologist
17
17
Review by Dormael Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I enjoyed this (unfinished) story very much.
Being an atheist myself (raised that way) and studying theology. Very good perspectives on the views of believers, ahteists and agnostics.
This will keep my interest, keep writing and finish the story. This is what I like to read.
More, more, more.

The characters are well defined. Good job.

Keep writing the good write.

-greetings, Dormael

(ps: Polish this up, you got to edit lots of things; for example you typed once "pheonix", and other things; forgot comma's, capitalizing what shouldn't and not capitalizing what should, also forgotten words in sentences, extra spacings. I don't want you to feel bad about it, I'm worse. I didn't mind the typos when reading it.*Wink*)
18
18
Review of Addiction  Open in new Window.
Review by Dormael Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
It's not easy to write a poem about this. And it is tried by so many.

But this poem is succeeding at it. Universal to those who cope with different addictions.
I know how it's like, know every feeling you describe.

Great job, keep writing.

-greetings, Dormael
19
19
Review by Dormael Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Beautiful and touching.
I wish you and your daughter strength and hope you keep love each other.

-greetings, Dormael
20
20
Review by Dormael Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Inspiring.

The way you lay it down, and show your feelings.

I suggest you should just do as I did, throw yourself in the river. I got a lot of encouraging feedback, and usefull critisism that help me improve.

That story would be worth a try, give it a shot.
If you can really go in depth of the psychology of the lovers (in your story), it can be interesting.
Make it as easy or as difficult as you please. Easy will appeal to a lot more readers, difficult will get you more respect for the effort by specific people that will be atracted to the story you want to write down.

Keep hanging in there.

-greetings, Dormael
21
21
Review by Dormael Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Beautiful poem.

I can relay to it, been there.
Especially the third verse, and one thing in the last one:
"Your cast down eyes"

That is the image I still have when someone I loved rejected me.

(good thing I thrive on rejection *Smile* *Wink* )

Aah, I still have a sense of humor about it, but your poem touches a soft spot in me.

anyway
-greetings, Dormael
22
22
Review of Bad Places  Open in new Window.
Review by Dormael Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
The first part is a sublime monologue.
Suprising ending.
I like the dark thoughts, how they are described, running around in the old man's mind.
Very well written. Sometimes poetic word choices.

Full of emotion that is well spilled out of the main character's mind.
I enjoyed reading it.

-greetings, Dormael
23
23
Review of The Promise  Open in new Window.
Review by Dormael Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Perfect. The overall writing and the style.
You really capture the concept of false hope coming over this family.

You left the reader in suspense, not knowing where the story is leading up to.
Then a suprising turn, a twist.
While the people get brutally taken of the train, the daughter still holds on to a little hope.
Only at the end the reader knows the epic proportion of the event that is taken place.

This show respect and tribute, for those who died (and worse) for nothing.
Therefore I respect the writer.

Job well done. (Although I wouldn't mind reading a longer story like this, it's just that good.)

-greetings, Dormael
24
24
Review by Dormael Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Ah, what a great usefull poll.
25
25
Review of We are broken  Open in new Window.
Review by Dormael Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Damn this is great. Perfect.
I don't know much about poetry, but I like this.

It's about trees, right ? *Bigsmile**Smile*(duh)*Wink*

-Dormael
28 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 2 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dormael