Hi, one review requested, one review incoming :)
TLDR version
This short story has an interesting premise set within a complex universe with multiple planetary conflicts. However, it would benefit from more context, character development, and a stronger overarching narrative. Addressing the consistency & clarity issues, and expanding on the world-building elements could significantly enhance a reader's engagement and understanding of the story. (2.8/5)
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First Impressions (Visuals)
First impressions are good, I like the presentation, the writing looks well structured.
Plot / Premise
Whilst fairly typical for the genre, the premise is interesting, the main characters consistent, and plot 'exciting' with a variety of conflicts (some self-inflicted) to overcome. (4/5)
World Building / Characters
I know it's 'only' a short story, but it does rather drop the reader straight into the action. A little world building (background information about the universe, resource collection system, the nature of the 'group of planets' and how they work) would add depth to the story and to the characters who, unfortunately, are a bit one dimensional. (3/5)
Their reactions to the various crises seems detached, that may be a deliberate choice, but without explanation as to the why, could confuse or alienate readers. As their actions and decisions often seem morally questionable, you could also consider exploring the ethical implications more deeply.
Structure & Pacing
The story feels episodic, which isn't a problem in and of itself, but you could consider tying the sections together with an overarching narrative, and vary the pacing by adding more build up to events, to make the whole more engaging.
The story ends abruptly without resolution. Consider adding a concluding section, or at least a 'hook line' that ties together the various plot threads and/or hints at future developments. (2/5)
Clarity / Writing Style:
Much of the story is told through dialogue, which sometimes feels unnatural (due to word choice, or characters explaining things they should already know) - consider using more descriptive narration to balance out the dialogue.
e.g. “About a thousand were there when this happened. How many Kassims got out of there alive and how many are still in this Resources Collectors Sites?” Juanin asked.
Could be something along the lines of: "About a thousand were there when this happened," Juanin stated, "how many made it out and, more importantly," he continued before Noorva could say anything, "how many were left behind?"
Unfortunately, there are several places where the writing is too 'clumsy', or too ambiguous to make reading easy. Take, for example, your opening sentence:
"Juanin and Noorva watch the large Image Monitor in front of them as a huge metal structure above a tall and wide opening into a mountain behind this structure when it explodes, sending pieces of this structure everywhere."
Had me pausing as I tried to work out what it was that had exploded. The monitor? The structure? The opening or the mountain? A case could be made for it being any of the four!
Assuming it was the metal structure, and incorporating the points above, this could be re-worked into something like:
Senior Resource Controller Juanin and his assistant, Noorva, sat staring at the large bridge display as the recording replayed, again. The were unable to tear their eyes away as the huge container drifted closer to the opening in the mountain, and still shuddered with the explosion that shredded the gate as pieces of the container, and it's cargo, ripped through the air at hypersonic velocities.
There was no way in hell that this had been an accident, anyone could see that and yet, instead of fear or anger, a sly smile slowly lifted Noorva's lips...
Then on to the dialogue (how many are trapped? how will this affect production?) intermingled with narrative (It was a treacherous plan, one full of risk but, if they could pull it off... If they made enough noise, the others would fall over themselves blaming each other, distracting them from what J & N were doing...)
And so on...
And, in closing, whilst completely subjective, I'm not sure your choice of writing in the present tense was appropriate - you do so consistently, mostly, but that's a bit of a 'turn off' for me (someone else might love it, of course).
Anyway, I realise I've gone on longer than I intended, so hope that helps, cheers. |