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1
1
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, will comment as I go through... so any minor typos/spellings/thoughts will be up first:

waistbasket - wastebasket
mince meat - mincemeat (in context)
His apartment was in a seven-story building - seven-storey (I'm assuming British English due to the talk of pounds, etc.

***


"As evening came around, the whiskey bottle in my desk drawer started calling to me. I don’t drink on the job, but when there’s no sign of work on the horizon -- well, why not?" - could maybe leave the thought hanging? '..., but when there's no sign of work on the horizon?"

***


"If I didn’t know better, I’d have said the knocker was a huge, angry bear, but that would be ridiculous." could expand on the character's perceptions / thinking - If I hadn't have known better, I might have thought a bear of a man was out there pounding on the frame or hell, maybe a grizzly, however ridiculous that would have been.

***


"The door flew open at speed, almost coming off its hinges, but no-one was there. Then there were footsteps that led to my desk..." - could show more, rather than just tell, and build the suspense - The door flew open, bouncing off the wall and almost coming off its hinges. I was halfway to my feet, ready to give the asshole who'd destroyed my office a piece of my mind when the footsteps started. I stared into empty space, mouth hanging open as they got louder, closer to my desk..."

***


tense mismatch: Charlie had... so who am I to refuse the dead? - so who was I...

***


"Aside from the thought that the summer heat had possibly sent me mad, I felt pretty good. I grabbed my gun — in case of any funny business — and got to work."

Most countries that use the pound as their currency, such as the United Kingdom, have relatively strict gun control laws that would make it difficult for a private detective to legally carry a firearm... so I'm wondering where this is set?

***


"I asked if he had any enemies, and he said take your pick. Must’ve been a well-liked guy." - I asked if he had any enemies, he grumbled something that sounded like 'take your pick' in reply. Must've been a well liked guy.

***


"The police had drawn a chalk outline of Charlie’s body in the exact position they’d found him dead in his bed." - could tighten up a little... The police had drawn a chalk outline of Charlie's body in the exact position they'd found him.

***


Overall:

Strengths:

Strong narrative voice: The narrator has a distinct, engaging voice that immediately draws the reader in. The use of humour, sarcasm, and vivid descriptions help establish the character's personality.

Good premise: The introduction of a ghost client who wants the detective to investigate his own murder is a compelling hook that piques the reader's curiosity.

Areas for Improvement:

Characterisation of the detective: While the narrator's voice is strong, there is room to further develop the detective's personality, motivations, and backstory to make him a more well-rounded protagonist.

Tension and suspense: The story could benefit from increased tension and a stronger sense of mystery or danger to keep the reader engaged and invested in the outcome. Notwithstanding that it's as far as you've got so far, the sudden appearance of the armed intruder and resolution feels a bit abrupt.
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2
Review of Time  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thoughts / comments made as I read through so apologies in advance if this is a little disjointed:

Opening dialogue sets the scene well and throws us straight into the action.

Would suggest 'robotic' rather than 'robot' when describing the voice in the opening line, however.

***


"Everywhere I look is white, white, white, there's black over there."

Could, maybe, increase the 'intrigue' here with a slight tweak, something like:

Everywhere I look it's white. White, white, white, except... there's something black over there.

***


Pacing is good throughout, an interesting read with no glaring errors, but some of the text felt a little 'off' (for the lack of a better word) to me at least... though I'm struggling to express why. Possibly/probably just my brain being strange!

Anyhow, moving on, the lack of a concrete resolution makes it feel like the opening chapter to a longer story rather than a standalone piece... one that I'd probably quite enjoy reading.


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3
3
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, first thought: I note you say aimed at younger kids, depending what you mean thereby, some of the language / vocabulary may be a little challenging... most of my comments below being based thereon.

I'd also suggest giving the brothers (simple) names rather than constantly referring to them as the older / younger brother

***


Did you intend for the brothers to plant a single rose at a time?

Yes? I'd suggest a tweak or two...

"One morning, they found that a villager’s goat had eaten all both their flowers!"

In the same section, building a roof... maybe have the younger brother say something like 'I'll build it from glass, silly!' (light transmission through windows being something even very young children can relate to) rather than the more abstract 'from the sides'?

***


And, on to the next 'disaster'...

“This will not happen again!” the younger brother shouted. “I will build a fence to keep out hungry animals! My rose is mine!”

So, the brothers planted once more.

"I won't let this happen again!"... ?

And maybe tweak that last line to show words into action? Something like...

So the brothers built a strong fence and planted their roses again.

***


With a subsequent minor tweak:

Three weeks later, the roses had bloomed once more but the younger brother’s was even smaller than his last one. (age dependendent but big/small comparisons may be more concrete than 'stronger' as in healthier / with a greater concentration?)

Names would help here ;)

***


And to the next...

Three weeks later, the roses bloomed again. But then, a group of thieves stormed the village and stole all the flowers.
The brothers held each other tightly as the younger brother wept.

But, three weeks later, thieves broke in and stole the newest flowers!

The brothers held each other and cried.

***


A decent enough allegory - although possibly should be aimed at older kids (obviating much of the above), certainly past the egocentric stage, for the message to actually resonate.


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4
4
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, making notes as I read through, so this may be a bit disjointed - apologies.

Prologue: Overall a solid start, certainly has me wanting to read more.

The opening paragraph is strong - it sets the scene well, introduces a tension that makes the reader want to continue reading to find out what's happening. One minor tweak you might like to consider would be to replace 'on the outskirts of' with 'beyond' to make that sentence a bit snappier, maybe.

If I'm being hyper-critical - while I like much of the scene setting language, the first several paras are a little repetitive in so far as they labour the point about fire / heat / smoke... could probably afford to trim a little here and there, and/or try and think up alternate phrasing (for variety)

Minor typo... "him.Don't" (shortly after discovering mother's body)

Good mix of short, snappy sentences and longer ones but, to labour the point myself, there are several places where I found things a little long-winded... cutting the odd word/segment here and there would help keep the pace up.

Chapter One: Great, a little jarring from the prologue in that it doesnt address the transition from being grabbed by raiders, to thief / entertainer but maybe that'll come later. Caught a few typos / spellings, but nothing major.

Well paced opening transitioning to the present, interesting premise (chronologically backwards city), curiosity piqued as to her status (a slave, but not?) and 'odd' hints (bagpipe playing acrobat - say what now?) to keep the reader engaged.

nice bit of character building entwined therein (journal, reflection, etc) - some indication of how long it'd been might have been nice. And, again, one small tweak you might consider... unless the change of perspective was deliberate... arrest --> capture (or similar - as arrest implies some quasi-legal process that she's accepted, to my mind at least).

But my wee bearns needed (bairns)

but always read to lend a hand. (ready)

lovely tourte just coming (torte)


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5
5
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, just picked this up as a random read & review.

TLDR: Great, a couple of minor points. 4.5/5

***


Overall, good. An enjoyable read, very good world building (not that I'd want to live there), great character development and well paced. However, some passages could benefit from tighter editing (example below), and there are a few occasions where a line break's missing.

Example:

Original passage:
"I sigh at the final paragraph before highlighting it for edits and sending it back to my supervisor - who I've never met. My chair creaks as I lean back in it and close my eyes. They tingle from having my workstation project optics in them for too long."

Could become something like:
"I sigh, highlighting the final paragraph for edits before sending it to my never-met supervisor. Leaning back, my chair creaks. My eyes tingle from prolonged exposure to the workstation's projected optics."

Removes some redundant information while keeping the same meaning, and 'flows' better.

Just my 2c, of course.


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Review of Sea Story  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello again :)

OK, so notwithstanding steampunk being something I'd not normally read:

You create a vivid, alternate historical setting adding depth and intrigue to the story's backdrop. Similarly, the main character, Kevin, is well-developed, with a real sense of his personality coming through.

The first-person narrative effectively conveys his thoughts and emotions, the use of nautical jargon and dialect adds authenticity to the setting.

The supporting characters, especially Dutch and Kiko, are also given distinct personalities.

The story is well paced and effectively builds tension, starting with Dutch's seemingly tall tale and culminating in the 'horrifying reality' (Spoiler, alas poor Kiko...).

Two, very minor 'quibbles' / suggestions:

         The layout is good, but (and I assume you uploaded a document, so this is the fault of writingML) there are no lines separating paras, speech, etc. It's a pain, that I'm all too familiar with, but you might consider editing to (re)introduce.

And;

         "It was too quick for the puny strength of any human to intervene." - not sure 'puny strength' goes with 'too quick'... maybe something reflecting laughable human reflexes instead?

Anyhow, good read.


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Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (1.5)
Hi, I just picked this up as a random "read & review".

There's an interesting premise - a family being startled by a mysterious, frightening sound during a storm, which sets a tense mood.

The family praying and seeking comfort in one another adds a touching, relatable (to some) element to the narrative.

However, I'm sorry to say that the writing itself is very poor:

There's no punctuation whatsoever, making it very hard to read / separate (what should be) different sentences.

         Remember the basics, a comma where you'd normally pause, and a full stop (period) at the end of each sentence.

There's a lack of consistency of tense:

         e.g. You start "This is a story of a family that was"... making this a recount of something that has already happened.

         Therefore, for example, "...all waken up so scare" should be "all woke up scared" (followed by either a comma or full stop).

         You may find something like grammarly's free app useful in identifying and correcting such errors (it's not perfect, but it's pretty good).

To improve, you could:

         Work on the sentence structure and grammar.

         Add more vivid descriptions to make the atmosphere feel more intense.

         Slow down the pace to build up suspense before resolving the tension.


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8
Review of God Must Be There  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, just picked this up as a random read & review,

Whilst I can't say that I necessarily agree with the religious / theological aspects, but to each their own, you did deliver some sage advice for any teen (though I'd insert the word maybe here: maybe being tempted to get more intimate...).

The writing style is fluid and a touch informal, giving your recount a welcoming and engaging feel. It's well structured temporally, grammatically, etc. One minor suggestion would have been to write the ages out in words, rather than as numbers.

Overall, good job.


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9
9
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, just picked this up as a random 'read and review'

At first glance the presentation is lacking - no spaces between paragraphs / speech / etc. Now, this is quite likely due to writingML stripping them out when you pasted the chapter, and I know (first hand) how tedious it is to go back through reinserting all the line breaks, but that alone would drastically improve readability (justifying wouldn't hurt either - but that's more of a personal preference).

***


It's quite long, so you get a 'Stream of consciousness' - sorry if it's a bit disjointed! (TLDR at the end)

I like the opening, section - sets the scene nicely, well paced, the odd word / phrase I hiccoughed over, e.g. "during my deepest chapters of slumber" - deliberately 'off' phrasing as characterisation / futuristic, or might something more 'normal' be better? (e.g. 'during the darkest hours' - sounds more ominous & fits better, imo).

There's lots of vivid details that really help the reader form an image of what's happening, how the character feels / felt about events, etc. Maybe, to emphasise the noise of the ladder decending (Creeeeak) consider italics? Great world building - I don't think I'd like to visit, let alone live in, Shakoga.

Good dialogue, 'feels' age appropriate for a seven year old, carries the story forward at a pace that kept me engaged, right up to the 'mini-hook' that precedes the jump forward in time. Haven't noticed any glaring errors yet either!

***


TLDR: You're writing a well-crafted, interesting sci-fi / dystopian future story that I enjoyed reading. Aside from the occasional 'odd' word/phrase (to my ear - you might try reading it back to yourself aloud, and slowly, if it still parses without problem, then I guess it was 'only' me), and the formatting issues, I really couldn't find fault *Wink*.


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10
10
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
OK, just picked this up as a random 'read and review'.

I note that it's 'ancient history' (again) but, assuming you see this, and notwithstanding the message itself, there's a few things that immediately spring out for attention:

TLDR: Engaging but refining the emotional tone, providing more evidence, and strengthening the structure, would make this piece a more compelling and balanced argument that appeals to a broader audience.

***


While you do a good job of conveying concern, some sections veer into emotionally charged and potentially alarmist territory without sufficient evidence to back up the claims. For example, stating that “some even died from complications” feels exaggerated without specific, verifiable examples.

To make the argument more credible, it would be beneficial to focus on well-documented risks and avoid overstatements. Citing reliable scientific studies that highlight potential dangers or unknowns associated with GMOs would strengthen the argument.

***


Whilst neatly set out in well punctuated paragraphs, using personal anecdotes—like the morning cereal dilemma to make the issue relatable the structure could benefit from tighter organisation.

Right now, the argument jumps from one topic to another (health risks, Monsanto, labeling laws (which I hope have, subsequently, changed), environmental concerns, and so on). Grouping related points together would improve the flow.

For instance, one section could focus on health concerns, another on environmental risks, and another on corporate control (Monsanto). After laying out the various arguments, the writer could return to the central issue: the need for labeling.

***


Some of the other 'issues' include:

Mismatched demonstrative pronouns...

         "GMOs and the Safety Concerns" their
         "this novel, patented organisms..." these
         "Being one of these consumers who would..." those

e.g. If the subject (noun/noun phrase) is singular - the, that, etc. If the subject is plural - these, those, etc.

Mismatched plural / singular

         "...twenty nations banned them from even setting foot in their country..." countries

***


Some places where an extra word or three, a slight rearrangement, or additional punctuation would help with clarity / accuracy:

         "Do you wonder about those genetically modified organisms estimated to be found in sixty to seventy percent of..."

         "I say good for them, and now I’m waiting for our country to wake up and do what’s right for all of us living here in America"

         "Pouring myself a bowl of cereal in the one morning, I read the ingredients list and wondered which of these ingredients listed were genetically engineered."

         "I also wondered why Monsanto gets by with..." how, away

***


Bacon / GMO related side note: Bacon is derived, obviously, from pigs. Pigs (at farms scale) typically eat a corn-soybean meal based diet... much of which will contain GMOs. If GMOs are a health concern for humans (and I assume you mean alteration of our DNA), then surely it is for pigs too? And from the pigs, to us?


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11
Review of Poem is...  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

Review is
Like the sun shining light
Often hard to read
Floating in the ether
Usually, full of itself
Plain for all to see

OK, I give up... freeform poetry, ok, most any poetry is not really my cup of tea. Yours manages to portray, artistically, what a poem is, and some of the frustrations a would be poet faces.

I see this is 'ancient history' but if you happen to read this, I'd suggest considering changing 'large' to 'long' but, then again, that may be one of the 'rules' you've chosen to deliberately break.

As I said, not for me, but I can at least appreciate it for what it is.


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12
12
Review of The Principal  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Just picked this up as a random 'read & review'.

Having worked in schools, although never a head/principal, and had kids of family in my class, I can relate quite well to the poor, put upon adults in your short story.

And mum to the rescue in the end as, I suspect, would usually be the case.

Overall great dialogue driven little story.

Only one small suggestion (oh and when Janet's talking to Jenny (“I know...” Mom said,) --> 'Jenny said,')

And one, equally slight, 'negative' - there's a couple of instances of improper capitalisation - Christmas party, ...better principal, honey*.

*maybe/maybe not: https://www.chicagomanualofstyle.org/qanda/data/fa...


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13
13
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi, one review requested, one review incoming *Wink*

Overall

This is an intriguing fantasy story with complex characters and an interesting magic system. The narrative explores themes of power, morality, and the consequences of using magic. However, there are some areas that could be improved for clarity and consistency.

A random reader, not knowing that it wasn't intended to be chronological from the outset, might find the jumps between different time periods confusing - maybe consider adding clear time markers at the beginning of each section, such as "13 years earlier" or "Present day."

While the main characters are intriguing, their motivations and backgrounds could be more clearly established early on. You could, for example, provide more context for the opposing views on magic earlier in the story to help readers understand the conflict.

Similarly, the magic system and societal structure are interesting but could benefit from more explicit explanation. You might, for example, include a brief explanation of the "Sons of Adam" and their relationship to magic and society when they're first mentioned.

And, there are a more than a few examples of awkward phrasing / typos / grammatical / punctuation issues that detract somewhat - that are not necessarily major, but 'irritating' nonetheless. Some examples include:

"Even that fine blade could do nothing against the raw power here. If left unchecked, that would bring down the dragon's justice."

This sentence pair is awkward and unclear. The pronoun "that" in the second sentence doesn't have a clear antecedent. It's not obvious if "that" refers to the blade, the raw power, or something else entirely (but, assuming the blade, it...).

"As Relemiah drew her breath, the metal around her wrists reached in and drained all the heat from her body, leaving her shivering."

This sentence is overly long and combines multiple actions in a confusing way. It would be clearer if broken into two sentences or restructured.

e.g. ..the metal around her wrists drew all the heat from her body, leaving her shivering.

"Relemiah sized up the enemy. Frail yet genteel, Milos seemed untouched by time. Quela looked aghast."

This is an example of poor sentence construction, it abruptly shifts in focus, and has no clear connection between ideas.

The sentences jump from Relemiah's perspective to a description of Milos, then suddenly to Quela's reaction without any transitions or context.

This creates a disjointed flow that can be confusing for the reader.

Rating? OK, but could be so much better.


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14
14
Review of Jared Fainted  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Just picked this up as a random 'read & review'

Have to say, you managed to do / convey a lot in so few words. I was particularly impressed by how easy it was to relate to / empathise with Jared - got a real sense of his character & panic.

Only slight tweak I might suggest would be, instead of 'Then she added...' maybe his reaction.... blood pumping, didn't make out the next few words... but then they registered. Jared fainted.

My 2p, for what it's worth.


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15
15
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, picked this up as a random 'read & review'.

Well, that was an interesting read, even if it didn't quite end up where I thought it would.

The pacing was good throughout, the dialogue painting a great (if depressing) picture of the characters, and the situation relatable.

There were a few minor things, typos, etc.

Her mind was spinning them. -- then

"Now, Eliza. Can you tell me the two sommeliers between these three pictures?" -- similarities?

"she trained every day, and forsaken homework in order to do so" -- forsook or, her homework forsaken in order to do so.

Anyhow, great little story.
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Review of Hope  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, picked this up through a random 'read & review'

While I normally skip poetry, not feeling 'qualified' to criticise or comment theron, I'm dropping you this note as a couple of quick things sprang to mind while reading...

The line "Of pain, of suffer, of sorrow," -- might it not sound/flow better as "Of pain, of suffering, of sorrow,"

I'm not sure the metaphor 'honey for my soul' quite works as, to me, it doesn't imply 'pleasure or salve' which is, I think, what you intended. Not that I can readily think of an alternative...

Anyhow, I did quite like the poem overall, it conveys a nice sense of yearning for something unknown to salve the ills inflicted by one's existence in the world.


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17
17
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, just picked this up as a random 'Read & Review'

Having read through your outline, I can't say that I think the story would be my cup of tea - but to each their own. There's sufficient detail throughout for me to envision the story unfolding and conclude that fans of the genre would likely find it interesting enough to want to read.

However, you might want to expand on the 'their relationship grows as the terrier ages' part of the outline, as that period would cover several years, and gives plenty of scope for ups and downs, and a will they / won't they storyline wherein, I believe, most of the interest would lie.

Anyhow, good luck if & when you follow up on this.

Cheers.
18
18
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi, one review requested, one review incoming :)

TLDR version

This short story has an interesting premise set within a complex universe with multiple planetary conflicts. However, it would benefit from more context, character development, and a stronger overarching narrative. Addressing the consistency & clarity issues, and expanding on the world-building elements could significantly enhance a reader's engagement and understanding of the story. (2.8/5)

***


First Impressions (Visuals)

First impressions are good, I like the presentation, the writing looks well structured.


Plot / Premise

Whilst fairly typical for the genre, the premise is interesting, the main characters consistent, and plot 'exciting' with a variety of conflicts (some self-inflicted) to overcome. (4/5)


World Building / Characters

I know it's 'only' a short story, but it does rather drop the reader straight into the action. A little world building (background information about the universe, resource collection system, the nature of the 'group of planets' and how they work) would add depth to the story and to the characters who, unfortunately, are a bit one dimensional. (3/5)

Their reactions to the various crises seems detached, that may be a deliberate choice, but without explanation as to the why, could confuse or alienate readers. As their actions and decisions often seem morally questionable, you could also consider exploring the ethical implications more deeply.


Structure & Pacing

The story feels episodic, which isn't a problem in and of itself, but you could consider tying the sections together with an overarching narrative, and vary the pacing by adding more build up to events, to make the whole more engaging.

The story ends abruptly without resolution. Consider adding a concluding section, or at least a 'hook line' that ties together the various plot threads and/or hints at future developments. (2/5)


Clarity / Writing Style:

Much of the story is told through dialogue, which sometimes feels unnatural (due to word choice, or characters explaining things they should already know) - consider using more descriptive narration to balance out the dialogue.

e.g. “About a thousand were there when this happened. How many Kassims got out of there alive and how many are still in this Resources Collectors Sites?” Juanin asked.

Could be something along the lines of: "About a thousand were there when this happened," Juanin stated, "how many made it out and, more importantly," he continued before Noorva could say anything, "how many were left behind?"


Unfortunately, there are several places where the writing is too 'clumsy', or too ambiguous to make reading easy. Take, for example, your opening sentence:

"Juanin and Noorva watch the large Image Monitor in front of them as a huge metal structure above a tall and wide opening into a mountain behind this structure when it explodes, sending pieces of this structure everywhere."

Had me pausing as I tried to work out what it was that had exploded. The monitor? The structure? The opening or the mountain? A case could be made for it being any of the four!

Assuming it was the metal structure, and incorporating the points above, this could be re-worked into something like:

Senior Resource Controller Juanin and his assistant, Noorva, sat staring at the large bridge display as the recording replayed, again. The were unable to tear their eyes away as the huge container drifted closer to the opening in the mountain, and still shuddered with the explosion that shredded the gate as pieces of the container, and it's cargo, ripped through the air at hypersonic velocities.

There was no way in hell that this had been an accident, anyone could see that and yet, instead of fear or anger, a sly smile slowly lifted Noorva's lips...

Then on to the dialogue (how many are trapped? how will this affect production?) intermingled with narrative (It was a treacherous plan, one full of risk but, if they could pull it off... If they made enough noise, the others would fall over themselves blaming each other, distracting them from what J & N were doing...)

And so on...

And, in closing, whilst completely subjective, I'm not sure your choice of writing in the present tense was appropriate - you do so consistently, mostly, but that's a bit of a 'turn off' for me (someone else might love it, of course).

Anyway, I realise I've gone on longer than I intended, so hope that helps, cheers.


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19
19
Review of Hot Pursuit.  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
OK, first off, overall I enjoyed your short story. Which is always a good start.

You manage to squeeze a lot in, in so few words. There's a little scene setting, some good dialogue (that gives a good feel for the characters), and adventure and it's resolution. Not to mention some humour that most, if not all, parents could relate to.

There's at least one trivial typo: A full stop (period) instead of a comma (here: advancing. screams like a banshee, and) (and, potentially, a couple of extra line spaces) but, meh, these things happen.

There is, however, one thing that niggled most of the way through - sorry - the tenses appear to be 'all over the place'.

e.g. (my emphasis) It was such a sunny day. I'm I was sitting in my car...

e.g. Fifteen minutes go went by. A lady comes came out of the library doors, and a turkey falls fell in line behind her...

And so on through the piece.

One final suggestion in closing: You use 'zigzagging' (understandably) quite often when describing the motion of the woman and the turkeys. You might want to consider some alternative phrasing to avoid the repetition...

e.g. "...zigzagging and making gobbling sounds..." --> zigging and zagging, and making...

Just for some variety.

Anyway, an OK piece that would benefit most from tidying up the tenses 'issue'.

Hope that helps.
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Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, this insomniac just picked this up as a random 'read & review'.

As my brain's tired (it's 3am!) you're getting something of a 'stream of consciousness' here... so if it doesn't quite make sense to you, I apologise in advance.

Overall, it's not a bad start to a story, 'Nicholas' sounds like an interesting character, and it would be interesting to find out who he is. While the dialogue is mostly good, the writing is let down somewhat in a few areas:

First thought, the presentation could be better - maybe it got messed up by WritingML (drives me nuts when that happens with stuff I'm posting) - but would definitely benefit from some line breaks between paras, around speech, etc.

There are places where punctuation could be improved; and where the writing is, for the lack of a better word, a little bit 'clumsy' - not awful, don't get me wrong... I'll try and illustrate the sort of thing I mean:

Examples:
         "...looked outside. It was dark outside probably about four in the morning"

          --> ...looked outside. It was dark, probably about four in the morning

         You said he looked outside, so that's where it'd be dark, no? I added the comma to separate the two distinct parts of the sentence (the statement, and his subsequent thought).

         "The man looked out and saw the glitter of a village in the distance, which without a doubt is the city of Erobringen."

         ...glitter of lights in the distance which, without a doubt, was the...

         If he's certain it's the city, would he think 'there's a glittery village' or 'there's the city'? Punctuation was a little off, and tenses needed to match (was rather than is).


There're also some places where you've maybe started writing one thing and changed your mind, or just missed out a word?

"The man walked over and cleared his tapped on the glass"

"Oh, and we will be name sir.” --> "Oh and I'll need the name sir."

Here you could have also used a reporting clause to indicate how he said it, was he curious? business-like? impatient? to add a little more depth if so inclined.

You might benefit from employing something like Grammarly for desktop which, while not perfect, would highlight a good percentage of such issues. Failing that, a proof reader (if you can find one) or reading it back slowly to yourself are other good ways of finding 'clumsy' writing - if you trip over it, you can be sure your readers will.

Anyway, hope that helps.
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Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi, I just picked this up as a random 'read & review'.

Overall, it's brief, and generally OK, but has definite room for improvement.

Structure: It does rather resemble a wall of text as there's practically no punctuation whatsoever - which makes it harder to read than it ought. Splitting into a couple of paragraphs would be beneficial.

There is one consistent error running throughout (i instead of I) but, other than that (and the punctuation), there's not much wrong with what you've actually written.

Oh, just noticed, "but i sometimes frighten if he goes too far." -- I'm sometimes frightened that he'll go too far (to keep tenses consistent).

Hope that helps.
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Review of alright, alright!  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, picked this up as a random 'read & review'

Well, it's brief!

While there doesn't appear to be anything particularly wrong with what you've written, it does resemble a list (I was 'here', doing 'that', then 'this' happened...) rather than a story/recount.

I would therefore encourage you to consider expanding on your writing to paint us a picture of what's happening, how it's happening, why it's happening, etc.

Why/when were you at the lake? --> It was late in August and the weather had started getting cooler but, with a few days off work ahead, a little time up at the lake sounded good. (Random example only!)

How did it feel to have your spirit guides staring over your shoulder? Did you feel an itching sensation, you skin crawling, icy shivers running up and down your spine?

You might also consider a little conjunction... I had a Jetpack wireless provider and was watching “K-Pax” to improve the 'flow'.

In essence, there's lots you could add to round this out and move it from 'ok' to 'good'.
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Review of Unnatural Growth  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi there, just picked this up as a random read & review.

First off, classic sci-fi premise, executed well, with a healthy dose of realism supporting the more fantastical elements.

Good pacing with building tension until a satisfactory resolution, or was it? I haven't looked at your profile, so don't know if you followed up, but I'd say definitely scope for more.

Overall, an engaging short story that effectively blends science fiction elements with suspense. It raises interesting questions about the potential dangers of genetic engineering and the responsibility of scientists.

A couple of minor points for consideration:

There's an awful lot of 'said'... some variety (exclaimed, replied, stated, responded, etc.) wouldn't go amiss.

In places, e.g. Mike's voice shared Dr. Rosen's irritation. "Can't we just get the landscapers back to fix their problem? What do you want me to do?", you could maybe tweak the speech... something like...

"Can't we just get the landscapers back to fix their problem?" Mike asked, his voice sharing Dr. Rosen's irritation, before continuing without waiting for an answer. "What do you want me to do?"

OK, that's not the best example, but it's 5am and I haven't slept yet ;)

Anyhow, good job, enjoyed reading your story.
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Review of College  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi, just picked this up as a random 'read & review'.

I have to say, I didn't know what to expect as read the brief description but, if I'm honest, whilst finding it an unusual idea for a story, I was feeling a little short changed by the end as it ended without resolution to the question (so I guess I must have liked it enough to want to read more / know who won the bet).

If it's intended as the first instalment of an ongoing story, you might want to end on a hook to make readers want to come back and carry on reading. At the end of this piece, for example, you might have written the last line as something like:

That afternoon they met up again, Andrew wasn't nervous yet, even if it was Zach's turn to add something. Then he saw the familiar glint in his friend's eye...

That said, there are a number of issues with the writing itself:

There's inconsistent & improper capitalisation from the very first line (i.e. "Andrew and Zach are two Senior roommates in College, They'd met Freshman...") - note, all new sentences should start with a capital letter.

While most of punctuation is there, and correct, there's quite a bit of missing in places. Mostly full stops (periods) at the end of sentences.

And, there are a few places with issues around spelling (maybe typos) and/or tenses. For example;

         "Andrew joke "Though..." -- joked
         "i figure neither of you want to actually get fitter for a bra" -- I, fitted
         "it was significantly toughter than" -- tougher
         "adding one knew feminine thing" -- new, watch out for homophones ;)

There are more, but that's enough to get you started. I would suggest you might find grammarly's app useful (and/or a competent proof reader) - it's not perfect, but it scans as you type and would identify a lot of these types of errors for you.

Overall, a novel (to me) idea that's let down by its presentation and abrupt (and unfinished) ending, leading to a (just) below average rating.
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Review of Cloak and Flame  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, this just popped up as a random read & review.

Overall it's a decent start to what looks like an interesting story, there's some good descriptive language with respects to what's happening, but something, and I can't quite put my finger on what, feels slightly 'off' about the piece as a whole.

While I think on that, let's look at a couple of parts that stood out:

1. Tenses: In the second para, for example, we see that the "the mage remembers his master speaking to him"... so "... respect.” says the teacher holding a small flame in his hand. He continues," should have been 'said' and 'continued', respectively.

And the third para, which I believe is meant to be part of the same dream, is a little amibiguous - in that one can't quickly tell who's speaking/acting.

Maybe, instead, you could have written a dream sequence something like:

Deep in the depths of a peaceful slumber the mage was dreaming. He saw his old teacher standing there, a small flame held in his hand as he lectured in his usual drab monotone. "When faced with absolute despair," he said, "remember these words... <snip>". The fire danced as an image formed within the flames, a house burning, people screaming. The image disappeared with the flame as his teacher closed his fist. When he uncurled his fingers to reveal an egg laying on his palm he continued in the same dull tone. "Fire is part of life..."

Brings the parts together, flows better, imo, and adds some detail to the character(s), revealing something about their personalities... and that, I realise, is where this story could be most readily improved.

2. "In a snap and flourish of his right hand, speaking the words “Lux Maximus.” The mages pack rights itself...

Would suggest 'With' rather than 'In'... and mage's (it's possessive).

Anyhow, hope that helps should you see/read this so long after the piece was posted.
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