work; Adam wasn’t Anti-social, he just had low self-esteem. =
Full stop after work, or the sentence will be too long. Small 'a' in anti-social
same conclusion “Loner”. =
comma after conclusion, full stop within the quotation marks.
“LA is just to crowded, besides I like to ride at night, I couldn’t do that and feel safe in such a huge city” =
Add, He had told them.
that his kiss from Susan was (actually) a bet made =
'Really' should be substituted for 'actually,' as you use it again in the second part.
and so that’s what he =
(that's) 'that is' sounds better here.
immediately at Tim Horton’s.
Bike riding became a =
These sentences parted company.
The paragraph about the convenience store was a little too long.
Past the dumpster that waited to be picked emptied each Friday morning, =
picked emptied?? This was confusing.
moved in he would bring carry his bike up the =
'bring carry' ???
personal sites that she frequently visited =
To save using unnecessary words you could leave out 'that.' It keeps the writing tight.
did just that almost scaring him =
comma after 'that.'
Black as the shadow that had it from his view the feline fled faster then the heart that was now rapidly beating inside Adam’s chest. =
(had) 'hid' Comma after 'view,'
laughed out-loud = 'aloud' or 'out loud' No - between the words.
Adam sang his rendition of the Monty Python song as he rode along to keep his mind off the darkness that seemed to confine the light to the small cones beneath the lampposts. =
This sentence is far too long and should be broken up. Watch out for this in other sentences.
The time (that) he would remember as the time (that) he saw the impossible. =
This is another example where the word 'that' is not neccessary in either case.
what was happening, the rider still looking at his =
Full stop after happening. The... Be careful about sentences too long!
what he had seen, or hadn’t seen =
..what he had or hadn't seen...
come across (to) forward, he =
'too' Full stop after forward. He...
anyone (that) he talked to online and was afraid of how she would take it if he told her (that) he wanted to meet her =
Too many 'that' again. None of these are neccessary.
You use the word AM and sometimes am. a.m. is correct.
"Hey you, I know (your) on (you're) way to work =
'you're'....'the' instead of second you're. In this paragraph you could use more contractions, i.e. Would've Just as in normal conversations. Full stop missing at the end of the paragraph.
he wanted to meet her were gone. =
Comma after her,....
After a hectic day at work Mary got home =
Comma after work,... Be careful to see how much sense the sentence makes.
that she rented for her “business trip”. She.. =
Only needs apostrophe's, 'business trip.' As in 'think' marks. And the full stop inside the marks.
She had been wanting to meet Adam for some time now but was afraid to tell him, she figured if he thought she had to be there anyway, he wouldn’t get freaked out that she came all the way just to see him. =
Another example of a sentence which is MUCH too long again.
It didn’t feel like someone was hiding in the bushes or that someone had their eye on him from across the river, this was different, this didn’t feel so much like a person watching him, as it did that a presence was lurking all around. =
This is another example of a much too long sentence! If you need more than two commas, you need to break a sentence up. This one lasted almost a paragraph!
she knew the city enough that it wasn’t hard for her to find the main streets (that) took her to where =
Substitute 'which' for 'that.'
Between her thoughts of finally getting to meet the man that she spent so much time getting to know, and trying to find the right street to turn she didn’t see the bike enter the intersection until it was too late. =
Another sentence far too long. Needs breaking up. Another a.m. to fix too.
as they went by, she had no doubts that =
Full stop after 'by.'
would already be at his home waiting he glanced down at his watch. =
Now you see with this...waiting he glanced down..It doesn't make sense does it? You need a full stop after 'waiting.' He glanced....
MY OPINION:-
You are a very good story teller, and this one had a great deal of imagination. But, we didn't learn much about the looks of Mary. I also felt that if she did not like to talk to people in person, she would not have stayed out at a cafe, let alone so late reading.
Mary would have stayed home to read, and used her computer in between. Much more realistic and safe for her.
I believe you did not edit this work, and you certainly did not read it aloud. If you had, you would have seen in some places there was no way to breathe. Sentences cannot be as long as some that you have made here. Hard to make sense of parts of it, as the punctuation marks were missing.
In some places the paragraphs were far too long.
I liked this story enough to go through it all in the hope of helping you. I believe you can become very much improved if you really care enough. You just need to pay attention to details, and realise that editing is as important as writing the story.
When/if you re-write this story, it will be far easier to read. It will also make it enjoyable and smooth flowing.
I would have given you five points for this writing, if you had edited properly. Good luck with future work.
Donni-Jay
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