Technical comments: there is a difference in verb tense in the first sentence that distracts a little. Also the last sentence in the first paragraph is very long. In the first part of the first sentence of the second paragraph, change the verb from passive to active.
Emotional response: Very attention-grabbing! This is a good opening to what should be an intense suspense novel. I would like to read more when it is available.
Don Brown
Viv, this is a great cover! The photo shows action and involvement and the rest of the arrangement keeps the viewer's eye moving but still on the page. Great Design! Now how do I get the book?
Don Brown
Vivian, I really liked this story. You did accomplish your stated purpose, which as I understand, was to illustrate a better way to handle flashbacks while not diverting attention away from the main point of interest. You did that well.
Actually, I would have given this a perfect rating if you had resolved the tension about Abby. I also realize that this is just my personal quirk in that I want everything solved in a pleasing way by the end of the story. I do realize that the central point was the love story between the daughter and the unsuitable suitor and that resolving the tension about Abby is not part of the main point, but I don't like for it to still be there. Maybe you can write another short story about her recovery in a weekly series like Charles Dickens or Edgar Rice Burroughs!
Seriously, Viv, good writing. Your skill and previous experience show in this story. Keep it up.
Donald Brown
I have seen the unbelievable cruelty of CPS in several states. I know that sometimes they perform a valuable service, but there are also times when they do things simply to provide for their own continued existence with little or no regard for the eternal pain that they have caused. I understand your pain and I feel a stron compassion for you. I will pray that God gives you peace and that sometime in the future your entire family will be reunited permanently. May God bless you with His presence and comfort.
Technically, this story is complete and correct. Grammar is correct, punctuation is correct, and sentence structure is varied to increase interest focus attention. In addition, the writer shows an ability to connect with his/her subject and reading audience. The only reason I did not rate this item at 5.0 is that it leaves me feeling incomplete. I have not been able to feel the guitarist's fufillment and the sudden switch to the soccer player caught me by surprise. The single sentence that gets inside of one of the soccer players is the last sentence and that leaves me thoroughly unsatisfied. I have seen a glimpse of the soccer player and I know that there is more to be seen. I want to see more of him, but no more is given. It may be the writer's intention to leave the reader hooked without landing him, thus allowing the reader to substitute his/her own dreams for whatever the soccer player is dreaming, but I want to know his dreams, not mine.
Viv, I wish I could give you more units. Today have been a bad day for me in many ways and I understand your situation. Mine is not that bad, but I watch my daughter, my wife, my son, some of my friends, and go through problems myself, and I understand how sometimes it takes great courage to just get out of bed and begin the day. Thanks for reminding me that it is worthwhile because there is always someone else that you can help. You help me just by being you and sharing yourself with me.
Viv, I thank you for sharing a deeply personal feeling. I too know how sorrow can be mingled with happiness. It takes great courage and determination to face the sorrow but let the happiness rule. May you forever be willing to show your friends that you have determined to let happiness reign in your life!
I respect you so much for getting the help you needed and willing to be open and honest about your situation! Your writing is very clear to me. You were able to maintain a consistent flow, developing your narrative with a good flow of the progress you have made. Everything was in logical order and indicated to me that, while you may have problems from time to time, at the time you wrote this, you were very clear-headed and in control. Probably you were thinking more clearly at that time than many who have not been diagnosed as having bipolar disorder!
I can only say, Keep it up! I want to hear more whenever you want to write more!
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