Overall, this was a very good story, and I am really glad I took the time to read it. I really liked how you described George. You did a very good job letting the reader get inside his head. I also liked the way you described his love for his wife. You did a very good job describing someone loving his wife with all he is. Also, even though he died in a convenience store bathroom. The way you described him taking his last breath was still beautiful and peaceful. Overall, as I said, this was just a very good story. Thank you very much for sharing, and always, write on!
Suggestions for Improvement
1. "Last night he found a scale in the bathroom of that sad little hotel and he was down to two-seventeen; it was only mid-October." You need a comma after the word "night", and you need another after the word "hotel"
2. “Nothing,” he said and he saw the man’s head hitting the concrete again, felt his hands squeezing the stranger’s neck as hard as he could, the trachea cracking like chicken bones under his fingers." You need a comma after the word "said"
3. "Almost fifty years had passed and he hadn’t said a single word about that incident to anyone other than his own reflection." You need a comma after the word "passed"
4. "Up ahead George saw a service station on the left side of the road." You need a comma after the word "ahead"
5. "His large body slumped against the side of the toilet and his head came to rest on the cold, porcelain bowl stained with the urine of a million strangers." You need a comma after the word "toilet"
6. "Peace filled him and he closed his eyes, a faint smile on his face, despite the surroundings. " You need a comma after the word "him"
7. "If she was still alive I’d tell George to stop in Lynchburg on our way back home just to show off what a great marriage we have, and how wrong she was." You need a comma after the word "alive"
8. "She and he standing on a beach, many years ago, years before the cancer stole his life, years before his ice cold body was laying on that steel table." It should be "him and her" not "she and he"
9. "On the other side of the island, the sun dipped below the surface of the water and the crowd cheered as another day in paradise ended. " You need a comma after the word "water"
Those were the only things I noticed, and this was still a very good story. Thank you very much for sharing, and always, write on!
Overall, this was a very good Christmas story, and I am really glad I took the time to read it. You did a very good job capturing the feeling of children around this time of year. I also liked the way you described the characters. Overall, as I said, this was just a great story. Thank you very much for sharing, and always, write on!
Overall, this was an incredible poem that had a childish Dr. Seuss feel but tackled a serious issue that has become commonplace in today's society. I really liked the flow of this poem. It was one of the most fun to read poems I have ever read, and what you described is definitely something that happens entirely too much. Overall, as I said, this was just an incredible poem. Thank you very much for sharing, and always, write on!
Overall, this was an interesting story, which I am glad I took the time to check out. I really liked how you described the main character and the girl he is obsessing over. You did a very good job letting the reader get inside his disturbed head. I also like the clipped sentences. It helps the character seem even more disturbed. I'm not sure if that's intentional, but it happens. Overall, as I said, this was an interesting story. Thank you for sharing, and always, write on!
1. "Mary is unusually tall for a girl, she stands at six feet." The comma should be a semicolon.
2. "I shouldn’t worry about it, it’s not important." The comma should be a semicolon.
3. I do not like how you ended the first chapter. I like cliffhangers, but him contemplating murdering his father is pushing it.
But those were the only things I noticed, and the one was only my humble opinion anyway. Thank you very much for sharing this, and always, write on!
Thank you for sharing this piece with WDC. I am really happy I took the time to check it out. You did a very good job telling what you want and why you want it. The only issue I have is how do people really know if a short story has movie potential because the most important thing in entertainment is sales, and just because one person, or fifty, likes it and thinks it will do great does not mean it will, but that's just my opinion. Thank you for sharing this with us, and I hope all goes well.
Suggestions for Improvement
1. "The magazines are gone but many writers are still writing stories that have movie potential." You need a comma after the word "gone"
2. "Next Stop Hollywood seeks reader reviewers who think they know whether – and when – a short story has the potential to become a good movie or tv project." I don't think you need the word "readers" because it is kind of reedundant in my opinion.
But those small suggestion are only my opinion. Thank you very much for sharing!
Overalll, this was another absolutely incredible poem, which I am really glad I took the time to check out. I really liked how this poem flowed. You was able to choose the perfect words to achieve a perfect flow that was very smooth. I also liked the incredible emotion of this poem. You did a very good job describing being alone with the metaphors you chose, and I definitely commend you for that. Overall, this was just a very good poem. Thank you very much for sharing, and always, write on!
Suggestions for Improvement
1. In the last line of the first stanza, I think you should replace the word "each" with the word "every", for as it is, it is kind of redundant.
2. In the second line of the second stanza, I think you should say "banished when we first leave...."
3. It should be "father's" and "mother's" not "fathers'" and "mothers'" because most people only have one father and one mother.
4. In the second line of the final stanza, I think you should say "which covers...."
5. I think you should have some punctuation in this poem. What I will suggest doing is reading this piece aloud, and where you decide to pause for emphasis is where you will put the punctuation.
But all those small suggestions are only my opinion, and this was still a very good story. Thank you very much for sharing, and always, write on!
Overall, this was a very good poem, which I am really glad I took the time to read. I really liked how the poem flowed. It was very smooth, natural, and understandable, which I commend you for. I also liked the emotion, and the topic. You described something we have all felt, and I think the imagery in the first stanza helped emphasize the emotion. Thank you very much for sharing, and always, write on!
Suggestions for Improvement
1. In the third line, I think you could replace the word "in" with the word "the"
2. In the next line, I think you should say "Of words I never voiced"
3. In the final stanza, I think you could replace the "that"'s with "so"'s
4. In the final line, I think you should replace the word "may" with "will"
5. I think some punctuation would really help this piece. What I will suggest doing is reading this piece aloud and where you decide to pause for emphasis is where you will add the punctuation.
But all those small suggestions are only my opinion, and this was still a very good poem. Thank you very much for sharing, and always, write on!
Overall, this was another very good poem, which I am glad I took the time to read. I really liked the randomness in the final stanza. It definitely described what your brief description said it would. I also like the emotion in the first stanza. Overall, this was just a very good poem. Thank you very much for sharing, and always, write on!
Suggestions for Improvement
1. In the second line, I think you could replace the word "could" with the word "may"
2. In the fourth line, I think it would be cool if you phrased it as a question "So does it really matter?"
3. In the fifth line of the second stanza, I do not feel you need the word "that"
But all those small suggestions are only my opinion, and this was still a very good poem. Thank you very much for sharing, and always, write on!
Overall, this was a great poem, which I am really glad I took the time to read. I really liked how this poem flowed. It was very natural and smooth and understandable. I also like the absolutely incredible emotion of this piece. You did a very good job describing how you felt when you met someone and the fantasies you had but how they were only fantasies. This is something that has happened to us all, and it is never fun. I especially liked the metaphors, the imagery, and your choice of vocabulary throughout this piece. They all really helped emphasize the already incredible emotion of this piece, and I definitely commend you for that. Overall, this was just a very good piece. Thank you very much for sharing, and always, write on!
Suggestions for Improvement
1. In the last line of the first stanza, I think you should replace the word "to" with the word "onto"
2. In the second line of the second stanza, I think you should replace the word "unconcious" with "subconcious" because that makes more sense.
3. In the next line, I do not feel you need the word "up"
4. I think this piece would be a lot better if you had some punctuation. What I will suggest doing is reading this piece aloud, and where you decide to pause for emphasis is where you will put your punctuation.
But those small suggestions are only my opinion, and this was still a very good story. Thank you very much for sharing, and always, write on!
Overall, this was a very good and very interesting story, which I am really glad IO took the time to read. I really liked how you described everything. It was very intriguing because a dog is something the reader never would have expected as he/she were reading the story, and I definitely commend you for that. Overall, this was just a very good story. Thank you very much for sharing, and always, write on.
Suggestions for Improvement
1. "In third dimension the Sentry's abilities were limited, and communication was more difficult." You need a comma after the word "dimension"
But that was the only thing I noticed, and this was still a very good story. Thank you very much for sharing, and always, write on!
Overall, this was an absolutely incredible poem, which I am really glad I took the time to read. The imagery throughout this piece was absolutely incredible. I became engrossed almost immediately, and I definitely commend you for that. I also liked the way the poem flowed. It felt very natural and smooth, which I will also commend you for. The story you told about how responsibility is scary definitely spoke to me, and the metaphors and the imagery really helped emphasize the already incredible emotion of this poem. Overall, this was just an incredible poem. Thank you very much for sharing, and always, write on.
Overall, this was another very good poem. I really liked the imagery. I could really picture everything you were describing at the beginning of this poem, and it really helped emphasize the emotion. I really liked how you described passion at one point and not even wanting to talk to the person next. You did a very good job describing it. Also, this poem had a nice rhythm, which I commend you for. Thank you very much for sharing this great poem, and always, write on.
Suggestions for Improvement
1. I think you should have more punctuation in this poem. There are certain points throughout which I think a little punctuation would really help emphasize.
2. In the third line of the second stanza, I think you should replace the word "that" with the word "which"
3. In the second line of the third stanza, I think it should be "runs" instead of "run"
But those small suggestions are only my opinion, and this was still a very good poem. Thank you very much for sharing, and always, write on.
Overall, I would consider this another perfect poem by VerySara. You did a very good job with the imagery, the emotion, and basically every aspect of this poem. I agreed with a lot of what you said, and I commend you for opening displaying thoughts and emotions. I also liked the vocabulary you used in this poem. It was very eloquent, and I commend you for that. Overall, this was just another great poem. Thank you very much for sharing, and always, write on.
Overall, this was a very good poem, which I am really glad I took the time to read. I really liked the story you told with this poem. It reminds me a lot of a person I used to know. Also, the poem flowed very well, and it read very naturally. I could really feel the character you described, and this poem was full of emotion. Overall, this was just a very good poem. Thank you very much for sharing, and always, write on.
Suggestions for Improvement
1. In the first line, I think you should say "She begain running at seventeen"
2. In the last line of the first stanza, I think you should replace the word "that" with the word "this"
3. In the first line of the second stanza, I think you should put a comma after the word "went"
4. In the third line of the third stanza, I think you should put a comma after the word "sweat"
5. In the last line of the third stanza, I think you should say "With moisture flying from her head"
6. In the first line of the fourth stanza, I think you should put a comma after the word "once"
But all those small suggestions are only my opinion, and this was still a very good poem. Thank you very much for sharing, and always, write on.
Overall, this was a very good poem, which I am really glad I took the time to read. This poem was unlike anything else I have read by you, but I still absolutely loved it. It was definitely interesting. It flowed naturally, and you described the throat vividly. The topic was a little strange, but you did a very good job with it, and I definitely commend you for that. Overall, this was just another great poem. Thank you very much for sharing, and always, write on!
Suggestions for Improvement
1. I think you should have a comma at the end of each of the first two lines.
2. In the last line of the second stanza, I think you should put a comma after the word "gentle"
3. In the last stanza, I think you should put a comma after the word "decides"
But all those small suggestions are only my opinion, and this was still a very good poem. Thank you very much for sharing, and always, write on.
Overall, this was a very good poem, which I am really glad I took the time to read. I especially liked the imagery. The imagery was so beautiful, and I could picture it all. I could picture the angel shedding its previous life and becoming completely free. I also liked the emotion. It was pure joy! Overall, this was a wonderful piece. Thank you for sharing, and always, write on.
Suggestions for Improvement
1. When you say
"Nowhere to fly but higher
Into the sky" I consider that very cliche, and I will suggest changing it to something more original like:
"Nowhere to fly, but higher
into the blue" Which is good because "blue" will go with "through" in the next line. I do not think you need the "and" in the line with "through" though.
2.In the next line, I think you should say "I hold my head high"
3.When you say "my wings of love" I don't think you need the word "my"
4.When you say, "that used to line my path" I think you should replace the word "that" with the word "which"
5.I think you should seperate this poem into stanzas. As it is now, it is very long and very cumbersome.
6.I really think some punctuation would help this poem. There are a lot of places throughout, where punctuation would help emphasize the already large emotional impact. What I will suggest doing is reading this piece aloud, and where you decide to pause for emphasis is where you will put the punctuation.
But all those small suggestions are only my opinion, and this was still a very good poem. Thank you very much for sharing, and always write on!
This was a very good poem, which I am really glad I took the time to read. I especially loved the imagery. The imagery was incredible, and it really helped emphasize the already huge emotional impact of this poem. I also liked how the poem flowed. It flowed very well, and it was very easy, fun, and natural to read, for which I commend you. Another thing I liked about this piece was how you started off with the contradictions because that was just a nice touch. Overall, this was just a very good poem. Thank you very much for sharing, and always write on!
Suggestions for Improvement
1. I don't think you need the word "and" in the first line"
2. In the third line, I think you should say "beautiful butterfly" because the alliteration will help this part of the poem flow even better.
3. In the next line, I don't think you need the word "always" because you had it a very short distance before.
4. When you say "insanity reins", I think you mean "insanity "reigns"
5. In the seventh line of the second stanza, "begone" should be "be gone"
6. In the last stanza, you say "i..." many times and it should be I..."
7. I really think some more punctuation would really help this piece. There are a lot of places where I think a little added emphasis would be wonderful. What I will suggest doing is reading this piece aloud, and where you decide to pause for emphasis is where you will put the punctuation.
But all those small suggestions are only my opinion, and this was still a very good poem. Thank you very much for sharing, and always write on.
This was a very good story, which I am really glad I took the time to read. I really liked how you described your main character. You made your character seem very human, and you was able to make the temptation seem incredibly real, and I commend you for that. Also, this story definitely packed an emotional punch, and I commend you for that as well. Overall, this was just an amazing story. Thank you very much for sharing, and always write on!
Suggestions for Improvement
1. "Standing in the rain all you could do was wait." You need a comma after the word "rain"
2. "You had seen this guy around, he was in your classes but he had never spoken to you before." You need a comma after the word "classes"
3. "You knew that this was wrong but you could not stop yourself." You need a comma after the word "wrong"
4. "In a quick movement he pulled you close to his body." You need a comma after the word "movement"
5. "If it doesn’t get here soon you would be late." You have a tense change in this sentence. It should be "If it does not get here soon you will be late" or something like that.
6. I think this story would have a greater emotional impact if it was written in first person.
But all those small suggestions are only my opinion, and this was still a very good story. Thank you very much for sharing, and always write on!
Peace, Love, and Rock n Roll
Dom
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