Aside from a few issues with polishing, and a grammatical error here and there, this begins as an interesting concept. Admittedly, the concept of a Zombie virus mutating from Bird Flu does seem somewhat akin to the premise of Zombieland wherein the outbreak was caused by a mutated strain of Mad Cow Disease, nevertheless, there seems to be some solid creative conviction behind this iteration. I don't particularly care for the name Alpha Omega Flu, as it sounds to much like the name of a Fraternity, however, given the clearly listed reasons for this name and the obvious parallels between Zombies and college students, (both of which appear to be devoid of any intelligence or human decency), I can say that you did at least back it up thoroughly.
This being said, I suppose my only sufficient complaint is that despite your strong beginning, and conviction for the subject and the idea, you seem to begin to loosely unravel in the third paragraph, despite the previously mentioned reasoning, and by the fourth, I am under the impression that you either lost all interest, or were hurried into wrapping it up as soon as possible. To be perfectly honest; based on the first two paragraphs alone, as well as the reasoning behind the third, I could go on reading this for several pages, and with some slight improvements, I could see picking it up as a book. But when I can feel the conviction being lost and the whole thing starts to shrink into a faced-paced wrap-up, it suffers greatly.
My advice, therefore, is to look at this, and consider a rewrite of the majority, with added detail and more body. If you could flesh out the story of how the virus came to be, and give more information on the cultural and social impacts of the outbreak, as well as the survivors, this would become significantly more interesting. |
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