Thoughts On the poem: I like your descriptive words, your use of creative substance in place of the usual use of boring and dry words... The words that you use seem well chosen: "zephyr" "blissful"... But that last line seems to pale in comparison to the others... would it be possible to somehow rearrange it so as to make the last line have more punch? I know how hard it can be dealing with the some of the rules of Haiku, so it might not be possible. Have you thought of adding to this poem? I think it would do best in maybe a contrasting set of poems put together.
Overall:your poem brings about an image of pure and innocent happiness. I like that. Your use of words seem to match the flow of the poem and it's well done. Congratulations on the creation of a beautiful poem.
Keep writing!
jobs not cheese!- Feel free to stop by my port sometime and leave me a message!
Hey! I'll be reviewing chapter two of My Stay In Hell!
TECHNICAL ERRORS:
There weren't too many errors that I noticed here. Great job keeping it neat and clean and easy to read... but here are a few things I noticed:
“Good point.” I comment.ed -- obvious what the mistake here is.
After talking with Uk for a while, I decided that I liked him-- repetive, already said that this dude likes Uk.
TECHNIQUE
He has not quite lost his wit has he, even though he is obviously going through hell? I like that. He just keeps on saying funny things. This keeps me in suspense about how his meeting with Saten will go.
CHARACTERS DIALOG
You dialog is witty and your characters are very "real" or so it seems to me.
WHAT I LIKED
I like this story. It's light and humourous and fun to read. That's very cool.
WHAT I DIDN'T LIKE
There's nothing really that I didn't like about this, so aces in the that department!
OVERALL THOUGHTS
I can't wait to read the next chapter! Your stories are always very amusing... they help pass the time and they're easy to read! Great job!
I totally agree. The first poem I ever put on Writing.com, it got a review all right; but the review was just my poem totally rewritten... And I didn't like it anymore. It was way too angular with lots of cut off words, and I'm sure that it would have been a better poem if I'd took some of the suggestions, but then it wouldn't have meant anything to me anymore.
I liked this and I think you presented your opinion very well. I especially love that last paragraph "looking like Picasso was given a scalpel" wow, I think that just about sums it up! What an awesome metaphor, one of the best I've ever heard actually...
I wish you great luck with every single one of your poems!
A stunning work! Though this isn't actually the kind of thing I usually read, I was glued to it... I like the way that you build up suspense in such a way as to leave me watering for the next paragraph. Though, I'm curious to know what time period this refers to. I liked the way that you subtly said it was in the south by refering to LaChance as "the girl from the north." Very clever. One thing is that your voice seems to waver between standing up for LaChance and her short skirts and the pride/dignity of wearing longer ones and respecting religion/family "honor" and standing up for long skirts... Though I realize this could be symbolic for something much much larger.
I liked the irony of the fact that I girl wearing a skirt down to her shoes in my school would be laughed at or called a teacher.
Most of all, I want to tell you that I think you did a great job writing this. Thanks so much for the enticing and interesting read!
Keep on writing!
~Seethe In Silence~
"Live the life you have imagined"-- Thoreau
"Those who trade freedom for security deserve neither"- Unknown.
"Where am I going? Where am I going? Why, I'm going insane. Wanta come?"
Wow. This really made me think about all those emails just sitting in my inbox that I almost never open... It made me think about the poor writers who have no reconigntion and problably don't even know that their work is flying around the world, being credited to this elusive "anonymous". I don't know if this would defy the point you're trying to get across, but maybe you could make this article into a forwarded letter and send it to everyone (with of course, your copyright information) so that they will understand where forwarded emails actually come from: virtual theives. Just a thought.
Hey! Nice job with imergry, I enjoyed reading this. you might want to reconsider the way your paragraphs are so broken up... Some things that should be in the paragraph before them are broken off. Might want to take a look at that. Otherwise great job with this, I like the suspense. One other thing I noticed was this sentence:
So how the Hell had she come to be in this place?!-- in this sentence "Hell" does not refer to a place so it should not be capitalized.
This was absolutely terrifying! Expierenceing the pain the agony and hardship of this lone vampire tied up and thrashed, obviously severly uncomfortable... drawn into a fit of convulsions... with each word I felt the blows he endured... vibrating with each new splash of color in this world you have brought forward.. If that doesn't say it then I'lljust bluntly state "DUDE! GREAT JOB!" Does that get the message across? I can't wait to read the next part, I kid you not! fantasic imergry, absolutely stunning display of vocabulary, looks like you put the whole thesareuos in this story/chapter!
One thing I noticed:
His head ached and the room spun in a blur of dull colours as his eyes flickered, fractured and confused memories dancing across his eyelids. -- the last part "confused memories dancing across his eyelids" would be better said as a new sentence.
Otherwise, flawless execution and presentation, the work itself is beautiful. Besides, I love vampire stories.
~Seethe In Silence~
"Live the life you have imagined"-- Thoreau
"Those who trade freedom for security deserve neither"- Unknown.
Now there's a scary story; if there really was something like that lurking in my closet I think I'd up and move (no silly you be down and dead!)... the fact that these monsters are *children* is just flat out creepy! I'd have to say this has a Stephen King feel to it. Kinda like the story It, where the monster feeds off of imagination and his targets are a lot of the time children. Good job with imergry.couple things I noticed:
There stood my best friend, Morgan Robinette, but only looking to be as old as eight, with long curly black hair.-- I think the 'but' is unecessary. Not sure, but I think it could be just "only looking to be as old as eight".. or maybe you could say "looking four years younger." or something.
I didn’t go to school that day, and when Morgan called around 5:00pm, I took the phone and threw it at the closet door. It shattered, and I was glad. Mom picked up the remains of the phone and then silently left me again. -- You use the phrase "that day" two times in the same paragraph, I think it is repetive.
One question though. Why did the mother not care that she was just sitting there all day staring at a closet? normally the mother would drag her away for a cup of hot soup and possibly a therapy session (since she is seeing fairies and blood stained night gowns or that's how it would seem mto a grown up.) Otherwise this is nively executed, suspensuful tale that was fun to read! keep writing!
LOL! loved that ending! ha, "did you hear anything Dear?" "No mom, you know wolves don't livea round here any more"... I got a kick out of that! Again, nice work. I don't supose I need all the bloody details of them eating but it would be interesting if they were included into the story. (Sorry I'm not giving you full scale critiques on your stories, if you need a full scale critique for one of your longer works please ask. lol.) Your desciption of the two wolves being in unsion and together is very well crafted!
Job Well Done! I like your way of getting across the message of "show don't tell", a message that a lot don't understand! I loved your examples, I think they really did the trick in explaining. I just sorta wish this were longer, as I like your way of informing. Just one thing I notticed:
Her face contorted into a scowl and eyes narrowed, she watched him approach.-- Did you mean "...as she watchied hima approach?
Otherwise nicely done! I'd like to see more things like this on Writing.com!
Keep writing!
~Seethe In Silence~
PS, if you ever need something reviewed, check out:
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1250350 by Not Available.
for thorough reviews on short stories, poetry and novels.
Again I just have to say that I enjoy reading your profound think; though different from my own, and based on different premises, I still like reading it. I liked this piece, it made me think... I don't agree with all of it, but I know what you're getting at and it didn't offend me. The best part of this article, the part that seemed to "prove" part of what you were saying, was the paragraph where you turned on the TV to see the anti-smoking comercials and it made you want to smoke (instead of making you glad you quit, as it was suposed to...) I also like the part of this where you say that we should question what we hear, as I believe that is very true. I heard soemthing similar to this article/piece from my mom. She said that the incident when the oklahoma building was blown up with fertalizer was most likely caused by a preivious incident in Waco, Texas. Anyway, I like your way of presenting ideas. This was a long piece but it was easy to read becuase it is so catching. Keep writing!
{c:blueNice! I like the message behind it and I think the flow is good, although blotchy in a few places... Otherwise nicely done. Like the imergry of it! I don't think I've seen lt like that before, so kudos! The last stanza really makes an impression, great job!
I found this really amusing. I liked the ending. I thought it was ironic that the dollar bill went from a hooker to a drug dealer to a robber and then to a poor lilttle boy who just wanted his action figure. Nicely done. I like your technique, though being a writer who writes only serious stuff this gives me the impression that you wrote this when you were severely bored. Just an impression though. Great job, hope to see more from your side!
The ending was a real suprise! It really hit hard, the fact that she was a bastard-born child! It does explain why her mother hates her... This story captured me from the begining, it made me hate her adopted mother for what she did to her. I could really feel for the main character, you did a nice job with that. Good job and keep writing!
Ahh, another funny read! I don't have time for a full critique so I'll just tell you that I enjoyed this and it was amusing (as usual) and it makes me wander how you come up with such strange ideas, and why your main characters are always so funny and ... (sorry but it's true).. dumb. They just say the most puzzaling things, it's absolutely hilarious!
This story is very good at outlining the simple pleasure of finding snow on a deserts mountain. Some places where snow is common you never appreciate; but these kids do! Nice job with the dialog. I think you introduce characters well, like in the third paragraph. It goes with the rest of the story, doesn't inturupt much and is well done. Hand of aplause. Keep writing!
I liked the general flow of the poem and your first stanza the way it rhymed was really cool. There are some places where commas are needed, and in the last stanza where you mention all the things that are the reality of Jesus Christ, you should have a comma before faithfulness. And a comma before its. And also A comma in its it should be "it's"... just a few mistakes that you missed, but overall good job with this! You did it very nicely and your technique I think is good. You just need to edit it in some places, add commas and stuff. Great job, keep writing!
Well done with characters; Lau and Ferret are realistic, well described, easy imagine, their dialog soundin perfect and well thought out.
plot
This is too early on in the story for me to tell where this is going. But you have a great begining that captured my attention. Your characters pulled me in and swept me up. Hope to see more. Email me when it's done so I can give you a more thorough review on plot.
Grammer
So far so good. There was nothing wrong that I notticed. great job there.
Mood/ Voice
the mood is well formed and consistent. Your voice carries through the whole story and does not weight it down. exelent!
Desciption
Job well done! I love your desciption of Ferret as grey-eyed and dark haired, and also the sentence about "Ferret was tall and lean for her fifteen years"... nice touch!
Overall
overall I loved this story! I can't wait to see more! Keep writing!
I enjoyed this story!! Again, you're light but thorough narrating voice moves the story easily... No needless paragraphs to wade through. Good job, loved the fact that this actually had a happy ending, and the guy didn't kill himself.
"I know," Harry said, frustrated. It's just- Huh? what is "it's just" ??
He saw Lisa’s features, instead, swimming in his mind, her sweet, precious face, beautiful blue eyes, and dark brown hair…- Nice description!!
The mystery surounding Alex grows deeper! I really like this story. Hope you continue it! Great desciption! You have a way of making time fly; it's so easy to read your chapters, no work at all.
One thing I noticed:
Please help me! Somebody is after me!” The child sobbed against his chest- you forgot to put a "
before Please.
This really captured my attention! It was easy to read, the paragraphs light and interesting! I'll be sure to read the next chapter. One thing I noticed:
“Cmon, Sarah!” One of the girls said turning around and gesturing.
“Cmon Sarah!” One of Sarah’s friends shouted from the crowd.- the cmon's in these sentences should have commas after the C's.
Good job fixing up those mistakes so far! I've re-rated your peice a 4.0- it's not perfect but it's very good. Not mistakeless but better. I hope you continue with it. Here's a few other things I notticed, just technical stuff, nothing affecting the stories great humor:
It is a perfect shot for a movie. I begin walking toward the man- should be towards I think.
I really would like to know, well, what the hell is going on-this hsould be two sentences. you could put it like this: "Well? I really would like to know what the hell is going on!"
Mura grabs me and pulls me close to his face. He has a booger in his nose. Funny! LOL.
I can’t quite see the details, but I assume that is gruesome.- That it is, 'it' in front of is.
I love the feel of this story, your creative way of telling it. This is good for being written when you were only in seventh grade! Hope you continue to work on it, perfecting it. Here are a few things I noticed:
They knew not, however, for concealing my face was the mask and black apparel given to me by my caring and understanding leader, Orion.-- You might want to rework this sentence; at first glance it is hard to understand.
If even one bit of skin showed after getting cut by an enemy, I would cut out the skin shown by the tear until blood covered the whole limb of where it was cut.- This sentence also might need some reworking so its easier to digest.
These may be the details of who I was, but was it what killed me?-- Confusing sentence on first glance... this could be said much clearer.
I had faced enough insolence, at the speed of a bolt, I had unsheathed my blade and severed the head of the first guard, while sidestepping to the other guard and cutting him in half from down to up. -- A semicolon after 'insolence' would make this sentence flow better.
The pathways were neat too, the grass cut neatly. you might want to consider using a word besides neat; you use it twice.
Indeed, I arose from my position, and immediately scouted the area for any sign of survivors-- the word 'indeed' is unecessary in this context.
Good job with this, I hope you keep working on it! Write on!
I got a laugh out of your story. the ending was hilarious! This needs a lot of work, mostly becuase it has a rough feel to it, maybe it just needs a little clearing up... try to go through and make the paragraphs go smoother. Here's some things I notticed:
That may be one of the most cliché ways to begin a story, but that truthfully is how mine starts. - is after that.
I am not a vivid dreamer, and I always wake up whenever I am in a dream. As I feel the last of the unexamined wall, it becomes clear that I am in some situation that is not "normal".- this should be a paragraph all by itself.
It's the first that actually looks unearthly.- rework this sentence for clarity.
It's like the sun-painted sky of dusk that we are all used to on Earth times fifteen, except there isn't a sun in sight- rework this sentence, it grates against the rest.
"I'm Mura." Mura says.-'Mura says' is repetetive.
I walk up to Mura and start feeling his face. He looks at me with same look he’s had since I’ve known him.- 'since I've known him' implies that he's known him for ahwile. he hasn't. try something else.
"We'll get to that later." Mura seriously replies- I think this would sound better as Mura replies seriously, but even the word seriously is not necessary. -ly adverbs should be avoided when it concerns dialog.
I may not have been like your typical horror movie character, but so far I am turning out to be a great fantasy/adventure movie character.- Is this necessary?
My name is Michael by the way. Nice to meet you.- LOL. this is funny.
This isn't working. Writing the "grey-bearded man" is getting annoying and feels too vague. He never ends up saying his name in this story, so for convenient purposes I'm going to refer to him as Sparky McDips*** from now on.- LOL. Getting even funnier.
Oh. My. God. Here, in front of me, is the opportunity to complete a two-races-band-together-but-then-ultimately-betray-each-other-and-go-to-war-for-many-years-but-just-in-the-nick-of-time-one-man-unites-them-just-before-impending-doom story.- Again, LOL. Love your synical voice!
So here I am now. I'm in Hell. It turns out God was real and all that Bible s*** was true. They got one thing wrong though. It turns out Hell isn't actually a pit of eternal flame. It's cold. f***ing freezing actually. It's an icy abyss. All of the people on Earth have been misusing the phrase "a cold day in Hell" all these years.- Unexpected and funny as hell!
Good job with this, I think its a great start! Try a little editing and revising, I'll be glad to re-rate the final draft! 'Till then, happy writing!
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TECHNICAL ERRORS 
He brought Nero in to tell him that he thought the “fiddle thing" was a nice touch”-- That last quotation unnecesary...
TECHNIQUE 
This is really good. I especially like the part with the three guests Satan had seen. That was really funny.
CHARACTERS DIALOG 
The dialog is great. I didn't see any problems with it.
PLOT 
So far this has been a really interesting story to read. I like where you're going with it.
WHAT I LIKED 
The wittiness of it.
T. Errors: not very many, just that tense problem.
Characters/dialog: well done. 
Plot: builds suspense at this point.
Technique: you can be very funny, that is obvious.
You have entranced me and I definetly want to read on! 
keep writing!