First off, I liked the premise of the story and the well done description of a panic attack. However I tripped over typo and punctuation errors. I was confused by the way Bill's thoughts were presented (?italics might work). I understood why the repetition of 'Ten years ago' but honestly to me the content made the point just fine. I would rework that first line as well - eg:
As his car eased to a stop before the hotel doors, through my Jack Daniel's buzz, I heard the cabbie mumble "That will be $18.50 sir."
Also confusing was "come a long way". That usually implies in the positive so you might consider adding something like "long way, in the wrong direction".
I found the last paragraph, in spirit, ended the story fairly well but seemed to lack the finesse I suspect you are capable of writing.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/docjan
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 6:29am on Nov 25, 2024 via server WEBX2.