WHAT I LIKED
-You use a very catching hook to draw me in. "'Why are you sick'" was a very good opening line: you didn't need to convince me to stay and read the rest after that.
-I feel that you really set up a good dynamic between Elijah and his sister. I as the reader can very easily tell that they have a historically strong relationship that's maintaining, even through his impending death.
-I like that you are never explicit about what kind of disease he has, but also maintained a good balance by still dropping subtle hints about what could be wrong with him, physically. There's room for some interpretation--and I like that.
-You really kept the diction, and the story itself, simple. Your prose was not by any means purple. And, on a personal level, I feel more connected with writing that uses simpler language.
-This like is a VERY personal preference, but I'll list it anyway. I tend to gravitate toward stories that are much more focused on very intimate events that only take place over a couple of minutes or maybe an hour. Stories that are a kind of tableau. And this is what you delivered here.
WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED
-While I tend to prefer shorter stories in the short story category, I feel like this one should have been longer, or more expanded. To me, the ending just comes a little bit prematurely in a way. I personally would have preferred the story to have more room to develop. However, that's really the only thing I would knock this story on. And even then, it's more of a personal preference.
FAVORITE PASSAGE
" Pushing up against the crunching white sheets, he winced as he tried to sit up a little more. The IV strung across his bed barely moved during his attempt."
CONCLUSION
I really did like this work. It was a good story for looking at the dynamics and relationship between two characters, which you really pulled off well. It was also simple: short and sweet. I personally would have preferred it to not be AS short, but still an excellent piece as it is.
This poem instantly caught my attention once it loaded. The poem's short length and short lines immediately piqued my interest--I personally am a fan of the short lined poem.
The first thing I noticed after reading the poem once is the repetition of the "nee" sound in the first two lines. While I'm honestly not sure how it could tie in to the overall theme itself, the repetition of those sounds is something I really find captivating, and interesting in terms of structure.
The poem as a whole is really mysterious to me. There seems to be a person either giving advice, or, as I seem to interpret it, the speaker here IS one of the "people" that want the subject's attention. This poem leaves me with a lot of questions about the relationship between the speaker and what/who s/he is speaking to.
Also, the last line, the advice, "get down," makes me wonder what exactly it means. I first interpret it as saying get down like squatting. This brings up a possible theme of the nature of beauty/its superficiality--the implication is that the subject needs to exercise to get attention, following the advice of the speaker.
Of course, I could go on and on trying to interpret this piece. But, short version: very captivating poem, you've written. It leaves me with many questions and possible ideas: and, in my opinion, that's the mark of a good poem.
VERY well done.
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