This is a strong piece. Effective use of imagery for the event. I liked the psychological strategizing of the protagonist- the glimpse into his reasoning. The reader gets the horror of an evil act without the writer being over the top.
I do have a suggestion for making this even stronger: in the latter parts of the piece, a more active voice will make the images being presented even clearer if the helping verbs and participles are reduced. Here are some suggestions, and please understand this is just my opinion.
-Her eyes were staring, unblinking into the horizon, the traces of shock and pain still visible on her features.
Suggestion:
Her eyes stared, unblinking.... The use of 'were' weakens the image
Another-
-He had a book of all of the evil schemes he'd had planned, and now they were useless. He had won, and how he regretted it. He had wanted to win, but at the same time, he didn't. All his meticulous plans were useless now, and the only woman he had ever loved...was killed by his own hand...
Suggestion:
He possessed a book.........he planned, and now they were useless. He won, and how(now?) he regretted it. He wanted to win...... All his meticulous plans now useless. The only woman he ever loved... dead by his hand.
Getting rid of the 'has, have, was, were, etc and keeping the subject as close as possible to the action being performed makes the image stronger and improves the flow of the writing.
I really liked this piece, and am glad I came up on it in my search for something to read and review. I hope the suggestions are helpful, and thank you for sharing your work.
Strong images conveyed through the writing. The reader felt present in the moment with the characters as if looking on. Well-written moment in time.
Overuse of commas in a few places interrupted the otherwise flowing prose. Ex. That was enough for the lady, because now the blue looked nice on him.
A little confused by this line: "...the music faded a little as if his presence alone sucked in the magic in the air." Did the speaker experience a diminishing of the magic? I just wasn't clear on what was happening here.
No other issues with conventions.
Overall, I enjoyed reading this. In fact, I was taken back to my own isolated/personal experience within a group at the foot of the Tower.
Thank you for sharing your work.
Goal of setting a mood achieved. Poignant slice of a grey time in a life; his disconnect clearly rings through via his thoughts, the setting, his interactions- or lack thereof with the female passenger, and the final scene. Scene well-set.
Suggestions:
The sentencing reads choppily, the pronoun "I" repeated too often. This also happens quite a bit with the pronoun, "she". Combining some of the shorter sentences and eliminating a few of the speech tags in the dialogue will eliminate the repetition. This will smooth the choppiness, which will in turn enhance the depth/strength of the mood being established.
No errors with spelling
Only noticed one issue with conventions: "She said. Taking another gulp before passing it back."- This line should have a comma after 'said' rather than a period then lowercase 'taking'.
In the last paragraph, the word "out" is not needed when referring to the bus smoke. If it 'belched' then it was expelled, so that word isn't needed. Using it weakens that detail. Just let the bus 'belch'.
I enjoyed reading this, and I hope these comments are of some help to you. Thank you for sharing your work.
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