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12 Public Reviews Given
12 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by D I Harrison Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Very amusing jolly piece, it rolls along with a good beat. The language is far too simple and and rhythmic to have anything really to complain of. The ultra-simple structure is a good choice, the poem goes on with enough pace to get a little beyond where it actually ends (which is good because, as attributed to P. T. Barnum, you should "always leave them wanting more").

However, the majority of the sputum I've cleared up in my 30 year career as a nurse has been mainly yukky yellow, tinged with white maybe, or green , or coloured by tobacco to make a brown, sticky blob on the carpet. Not that I'm saying your wrong, just that the line doesn't speak to me as the others do. Although, I do agree this short poem needs a bump down from the rarified stage of the elements.

Apart from that I much enjoyed this. It is entertaining,amiable and wryly funny. As an example of a type of writing it is job well done.

Kind rgds,
D I H


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2
2
Review by D I Harrison Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
An interesting and quite funny poem. I enjoyed it very much. As always, I think poems should be punctuated - poets of renown nearly always use punctuation, and there's a reason for that. Poem's are a normal part of literature, punctuation is designed to help understanding by separating sentences (or completed small thoughts) from each other, to make a collection of related complete thoughts. Writers who've been successful realise this.

It may be that your poem is understandable without punctuation, but this means so much more than simply that. Punctuation gives you a measure of control over ensuring your poem is read in the way you want it read. Commas are used to separate inside a sentence a modifying extra from the main thought. They help the reader by showing them where pauses (comma) or stops (full stop / period) should be made. They provide points where the reader can take stock of what you have written and consider it, before moving on.

Otherwise, there's much to commend here. In the main your language is good, the topic is familiar to all people who claim to write, the structure into 4 lines rhyming a b a b is a good general form for many sorts of poetry, including this. I also rather like that the last stanza is a b a c.

"I cannot, cannot write a poem." - unlike me to recommend use of ellipsis (a.k.a. ...), but this is a rare case when it is correct to use them. Thus, "I cannot...cannot write a poem". "The forms rush away, fleet" - fleet is an adjective and there is no noun it can properly relate to here. It is rather a poetic term, in absolute technical terms it is an archaic acceptable usage, I would think of something else though.

But, all said and done, it is immensely entertaining, a pleasure to read, and the length is pretty spot on. Well done, with this.
Kind rgds,
D I H


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Review of Longing  Open in new Window.
Review by D I Harrison Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
For a first poem, all I can say is I devoutly wish my first one had the quality and skill shining through this. Their isn't much to suggest to make a big difference to this poem's flow and reading.

"And peeked at the [three] girls" - there is no reason to keep what he's looking at hidden from the reader for such a short time. "Girls" reads better and makes the boy's "peeking" a bit more pointed, and then we find out why he's peeking.

"Was a [dingy] creaky garden" - in general usage "dingy" means dark, dull from smoke, grime, dust or deficiency of daylight. Only in dialect does it mean simply dirty. I'm presuming that their no deficiency in daylight? A single adjective is best in describing a noun, 2 work against each more often than for. I suggest getting rid of dingy, it is not only used inaccurately for what most people will read, it is not necessary and it weakens the image.

"They played in that [creepy] creaky place" - here, I think the repetition of "creaky" works; iy describes the same place in a repeated word - this suggests the first use and will often make the reader repeat their reading of that verse.

And that's it. The sum total of my suggestions. This poem is a well worked piece, its construction is very good for the treatment you give the theme. There is a definite beat through it, quite a strong iambic meter ([ u / ] unstressed | stressed). This tells me you have a natural ear for the beat of poems.

It is a good subject, treated well (within a 'real' situation, not as a polemical piece simply making the point you want. It is always nearly better to get a message across via description rather than telling. Highly entertaining and a pleasure to read and comment on.

Kind rgds,
D I H







4
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Review by D I Harrison Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
First of all, well done on choosing a sonnet for your return to poetry. As it happens it is not at all bad, however it is in need of some work in my view.

1) You should use capitalisation of the first words of lines, this is considered correct for formal poetry.

2) "A longing I have had for quite a time" - a longing is too general, it makes it look like you have loads of them and this is one amongst many. "The longing..." is better. Also, as you are writing a formal poem, "quite a time" is far too informal for use here. You need to come up with something else.

"Amongst my pond’rings, thou weren’t yet sublime –
till actions spoke to this heart, so it seems."

As it stands there is not enough, grammatically, to link 'actions' to your lover. 'thou' /[you'] in the previous line refers to the actual person, not to anything done by the person. Use 'your'.


3) Your organisation of thoughts in the poem is sometimes, to me, a little unconsidered. In the first stanza the actions in your opening lines happen before those of the second 2. That is, in the opening you are already praying but in the next lines s/he is not yet your object of love again.

"and treasured was my heart, though it may hide
for years to come; nay, never was it bold".
The first part of this tells us it is your heart that is treasured, but the next lines (indeed every other line) tell us it is your love's heart. This inconsistency needs to be addressed.

"To thee proposed would ever I be wed?" -what this means is confused. Are you saying you have proposed to him/her? Are you waiting for an answer? have you had an answer of 'no' (or perhaps). Needs re-writing for clarity.

Some of your end rhymes are weak. You are trying to end on a stressed syllable but 'seems', 'again', and 'then' are too weak to naturally stress. The other rhymes are all fine, you just need to bring up the 3 mentioned to their standard.

4) Despite using an old, very old, form in the sonnet, remember you are writing it in the 21st century. Old fashioned poetic language and word ordering are not working in your favour here. The one place it works well is in your line "I pray of thee, do not depart my dreams", however by using it everywhere it drains the power of it's use here. Use 'you' instead. 'Thy' - your. 'Doth' - 'does'. "Pond'rings" is shaky, better 'ponderings' if at all possible.

"By horse and carriage" - using this removes immediacy from your poem. Your longing and prayers can't be happening in the here and now, this mode of transport takes you and him / her back to 19th century. This needs addressing to bring your poem back into the 21st.
"treasured was my heart" - notwithstanding the question over pronoun, old fashioned word ordering works in poems only sparsely, if at all. "[my] heart was treasured".

5) "my actions would fail me" - 'would' puts the action into the conditional future, this is not powerful or immediate - and you don't have anything for it to be conditional on. Better to have either the unconditional future ("will fail me") or present tense ("my actions fail me"). This makes the action more definite. "would ever I be wed" - same issue.

6) Most importantly, Shakespearean sonnets* have what is called a volta, or about face from the third quatrain where you are meant to introduce a sharp "turn" in theme or imagery which works towards the resolution of the problems expressed in the first 2, or provides a new way of looking it at it. I'm afraid, I cannot see this volta in your sonnet.
* in fact it is probably more correct to describe this as the English sonnet, Shakespeare himself use the final couplet to make the volta.

Nonetheless, you have a lot of good language, especially "I pray thee, do not depart my dreams". "A rose, a ring left on a bench that day", "in search of treasures precious to behold" are also good. On the whole, although the actions of the sonnet appear to meander a bit, the focus on your subject is well maintained despite this. Once you have returned the poem to the 21st century I think it will bring the emotional evocativeness you clearly want to get. You are very close with this, your major problem is providing a volta the rest is just technical stuff (which should be easy to sort). With a bit of work I'm sure it will be a good piece. I'm happy to look again at it if you decide to take my critique on board. Good luck.

Best rgds,
D I H






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5
5
Review of Sleepless  Open in new Window.
Review by D I Harrison Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
An interesting poem about a feature of life that hits all of us from time, inability to fall asleep. Bad enough for one night so heaven help the insomniac.

Punctuation and grammar: You have, somewhat oddly in my opinion, used a full stop at the end of each line even when lines clearly make up a sentence.

Sockets covered in dark, like soot from burning eyes,

The door slams with semblance of the day's end.

Fall into bed with hopes of plunging into deep slumber,

Awaken with [a glazed glimpse] and realization it is still night. (It may be better as 'glazed glimpses')

Every other hour time freezes, so I may come to cold perceptibility,

Each rise [follows by a] begging plea of quiescence. (either "followed by" or "follows a begging...")

Thoughts turn, drilling the mind further into apprehension,

The sun breaks the horizon [and] the yearning for a reposed evening. ("and" is the wrong kind of word to make sense of this. Something like 'bringing', 'leaving', 'carrying' or 'brings', 'leaves', 'carries' - these are just example types, you should choose one of your own)

A torpid stand with a long [breathless] sigh, (if it's a long sigh it can hardly be breathless or you'd be turning blue. A word like 'exhaling' is needed.)

Muffled day followed by another sequenced plight.

Apart from 'follows / followed' there do not seem to me to be other problems with your grammar. Use of commas and full stops is an definite issue. There are two problems with word choice.

Structure: I don't understand why people use centre justifying for poetry. It rarely makes the poem better, the reason why no experienced, renowned, well known poet uses it is because of this. It tends to draw attention to itself and away from the poem, whereas the structure should be focusing attention on the words.

There is a good skill in combining words to create images on show here. Some images are excellent: 'Sockets covered in dark'; 'Every other hour, time freezes'; 'begging plea of quiescence.'; 'Muffled day'. There are none that strike me as awkward, or plain silly. An area of writing that is difficult to learn, so best to have it already.

My overall impression is that it is well written, solidly focused on its theme, neatly imagined. Very descriptive of a thing that seems to come from personal experience. An enjoyable and pleasing poem, with some style and a good narrative voice. Well done.



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6
Review of Who Is The Master  Open in new Window.
Review by D I Harrison Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Technical Stuff (punctuation, grammar etc) The minimal punctuation of this is fine. Your poem is straightforward in construction - each line is a complete thought and there is only one enjambment, or running a line on into the next line like this
he thinks he dictates but I douse
that thought...)
and that is a straightforward use. There is nothing here to obscure your poem's meaning and development.

Poetry (form, metre, rhyme etc)- the form used of four stanzas of 4 lines, rhyming abab is a good one for this simple, humorous verse. At this stage, as a newcomer to poetry, metre (or beat) is less important than flow and rhythm.

For information, the common metre for this type of verse is the iambic(in your case it would be tetrametre, basically this means there are 4 feet (an iambic foot contains 2 syllables, in unstressed / stressed pairs). This is something you might like to practice on this poem, I would be quite happy to re-look at it if you decide to.

Use of Language - On the whole I think your choice of language is very good - simple, accessible, with a good flow. I purr and nuzzle, have no shame / with my loving eyes so glassy is particularly good.

A couple of points, 1) You see I'm a cat could have been lifted straight from an advert in the UK for Go-Cat. It detracts from your poem, for me, because my mind moves away from what you're writing and into that advert. 2) The last line is, in my opinion, weak and inaccurate. Cats don't grin, and a cat intelligent enough to write a poem, which is the conceit ( a literary term for an idea, notion or sort of device) you used, would certainly know neither she, nor her fellows, could grin, cheekily or otherwise.

Mood, style, voice I like the way you have created a humorous mood, you clearly have a knack for that. Stylistically I can see few problems either. Many we have looked at already (punctuation, construction and form, language, use of poetic devices) plus one or two others (phrases, word ordering, focusing) the style is how they are all brought together. Here they all work with each other well. The voice you use, a cat talking about his 'chief of staff', is neat and while not especially original is well done.

What's it about?The subject matter is very clear, cats running rings around the people lucky enough to give a home to them. It is consistently developed, it doesn't take the reader onto a big journey but it makes its small way merrily enough.

Final thoughtsI've given it 3 stars because I do very much like it, as it stands with the issues dealt with it would get to 3.5. Putting it into iambic tetrameter might take it to 4.

You have a knack with humour, and a sense of rhythm. Mostly your rhymes are good and at their ease. You have written an enjoyable and entertaining poem. Not the greatest thing I'll read, but good nonetheless (and in comparison with a lot of 'poetry' I come across this is, itself, quite an achievement). So well done with this.

Best,
D I H







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7
Review of Citrine Dream  Open in new Window.
Review by D I Harrison Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like this a lot, on the whole you have maintained a strong and imaginative use of imagery and language throughout. I'm not sure what "and dreary hair before finding you / I had collapsed into that choking white horror land", frankly dreary hair makes me laugh, it is so ridiculous in your poem and in such an otherwise well-written piece it is most definitely out of place. Spelling error: constilation - constellation. Missed letter - "they would have changed color."

Of the second line there, I think you could lose the white or the choking, one or other works fine but together they trip over themselves. The problem is that they are both fine adjectives to go with "horror land" in themselves, but put together each removes shine from the other. I think you need to choose one.

As for the rest, it is very good indeed in terms of language. There are many, many good lines -
"you also send butterflies to keep me company"
"I put your lips in a clear plastic jar in my closet,"
"I unravel in the creases of your forehead"
"The sweet dreams whispers into my heart every night
And they changed my mind".
"your soul is such a magnificent place"

My main issue is with the way it is structured. I believe it should have a least one line break, possibly 2 - at present it's length and appearance on the page are a bit daunting and my belief is that it misses a number of comments and reviews because of this. Also, for me, the two very long lines should each be divided into 2. However, that is purely personal preference and you may have your own reasons for wanting it as it is.

Otherwise, I like its quirky, discursive style; the stream of consciousness feel, the happy, dreamy mood. Your narrative voice is pleasant and likeable. It is easy to see what the other person sees in you. The message of the poem is put across in a focused way despite the apparent meandering. Aside from technical issues and a couple of lines, this seems a strong piece by a strong writer.


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8
Review of CASABLANCA  Open in new Window.
Review by D I Harrison Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
There's much to commend in this poem. You have a interesting and generally good way with words - "Rick sits
embedded in quicksand" is excellent, short, and punchy. the weight of Rick's slack jaw

"and faraway stare, for
(never really) obvious, yet quite
inescapable, reasons"

is delightfully ambiguous. However, equally there are points which, to me, do not match up.

"the sword only Rick can pull
from the stone of broken hearts; and slowly turns,
eyes woken with disbelief
and joy....as time's stage
door creaks
open, and the curtain goes up"

I think the tightness and focus of the poem has rather got away with you here. For me, it does nothing to expand, develop,move on the poem. The things it says are better said elsewhere, such as "a cracked and yellowing copy of
love's tragedy chatters in my ear," - though I do like "and the curtain goes up" but I can't see where else it could go, unless it becomes part of the title (e.g. "And the curtain goes up - Casablanca" ?

I think some editing of words, lines etc that aren't doing work or detracting from other lines, would be in order. A method I use for this is to, e.g. cut 50 words out, cut another 50 (or lower amounts obviously). You have to judge and think about each word.

"romance (surviving
in the face of life's beatings and war's
grand follies) paints her lips"

In this, I don't think 'in the face of life's beatings' is doing anything but detract from the much better 'war's grand follies'. It is very pedestrian and a bit cliched. "romance (surviving / war's grand follies) paints her lips" to me feels stronger. The best advice to a good poet such as this shows you to be is "less is more". Again, for me this should be treated as a proper piece of writing and have punctuation, capitalisation etc.

The last three lines are very robust and a fine closing to your poem. I like your structure, the mood and tone of your voice. It is an intelligent and thought-provoking.


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