I like the story, but you must go back and read it to yourself. There are words that can be omitted to tighten the sentence structures and commas in places where they shouldn't be.
Ex.: paragraph 3: '..smiled at her childish futility, not 'the'. Too many uses of 'the' and 'and'.
Paragraph 5; "...three boys on the approaching on the...." Lose the first 'on the'; tighten the sentence.
I surmised you wanted an honest approach to your work. You got it. Just re-read your story aloud and restructure. Using and comma in the wrong place changes the sentence as well.
I hope this helps.
Actually, it's quite good. If I might help a bit. You put too much emphasis on the grammar, that's all. Let it flow. On the first two stanzas; instead of 'All is' and 'It is', replace it with 'All's' and 'It's'. Think 17th century English. For example, in stanzas 15 and 16 you can say: Throughout their rooms, children slip into dream,
And narrow streets are paved with rain that luster and gleam.
I like it.
God puts challenges in our paths daily and autistic children are really no different than any other. They are intelligent and creative and need to be busy most of the time. I found that if you give them a project, they will stick with it and are content. Find his favorite thing to do and expound on it. And if he gets angry, throw your arms out and ask him if you can have a hug first. It will help you with your dilemma.
I have a book stored away that was written some time ago about a young girl and her stuffed lion conversing in her room. The story was simple and elegant, like your poem. During the conversation the young girl wanted her lion to sing along with her, but they both knew it wasn't possible for the girl was the voice of said lion.
You remind me of this wonderful author who goes a step beyond the normal prose of writing, even in poetry, and breathes life into every aspect.
Great job!
I think you've done an excellent job with this story.
You should consider publishing the entire series, based on the book the archaeologist uncovered. I am a great fan of historic fiction that uses actual events and places in their manuscripts, and yours ranks among the best of them, and should be published.
This is great. Expound more on his time travels and give it at least 32 lines, (average length of a childrens book--one line per page) and you'll have yourself a winner.
You have a good one going here. You can possibly have him black out from hitting the steering wheel on impact, or from shock. If he just returned from campus, he could have been already exhausted from mid-term exams. The possibilities are endless depending on where you are going with the story.
An excellent comeback for a man of such talent and intrigue. The adventure never stops.
As a fan of the Sherlock Holmes mysteries, I recall his 3 year disappearance from the scene until 'Hounds of the Baskervilles' was written. I believe it was then that Holmes reemerged on the scene.
Your story filled an important gap. I can pressume that his meeting with Moriarty pertained to Mr. Culverton Smith.
Your style follows in the footsteps of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. You should consider writing a series of your own.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.13 seconds at 9:31pm on Nov 23, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
