colorful and dark with an excellent rhyming scheme. Your metering needs a little work. Your shifting between "Iambic" and "Anapest" forms within your first stanza. Iambic is an unaccented syllable followed by an accented syllable...
She WALKS / to DEATH / through LIFE'S / long PATH
Anapest is two unaccented syllables followed by one accented syllable...
(while) she LO/ses her SOUL / to my UN/ho-ly WRATH
This line has both...
She DIED [iambic]/ in my ARMS [anapest]/ in LO-[iambic]/ving GRACE [iambic]
I suggest keeping it all in the same format.
example:
She walks TO / cert-ain DEATH / through life's LONG / fun filled PATH
While She LO/ses her SOUL to my UN/ho-ly WRATH
She died SI/lent-ly IN / my arms IN / lov-ing GRACE
Now my VEN/geance will COME / in a SLOW, / stea-dy PACE
Note how it musically flows.
I also wrote one of a similar genre titled "A Battle for Eternity" found in my published book Impressions of Passion. Here is an accerpt written in Anapestic form:
’Twas the darkest of nights when in shame she conceived.
A small wondrous beginning, a life being weaved.
Into Mom’s fearful mind came the one who deceived,
To delude and beguile her. Its scaly chest heaved.
“I will focus her on all her fears,” it had said.
“‘I can’t raise it myself,’ she will cry out with dread.
Now, she’s mine!” said he with piercing eyes glowing red.
“She is going to pay dearly to see that it’s dead!”
With a sneer he did say with a claw to his chin,
“How I HATE this new image, this image of HIM!
I’ll destroy it, this image. This fight I will win
Against Him, the One who never has nor will sin!
“Oh, how sweet was my vict’ry with Roe vs. Wade.
I destroyed all those images of Him He made.”
With a flash there appeared a bright angel with blade.
“Do not stop me!” the beast hissed through teeth green as jade.
This free form poem, free of rhyme and meter, feels lacking. Stronger alliteration may help;
Translucent eyes of grey crystaline glass
expose my soul, releasing sorrow.
In poetry of this intensity, I suggest, if possible, that you try to avoid contractions.
Rena, I'm so glad you've joined us. The constructive criticism and support from this community played a major part in helping me develope my gift of writing. If I can be of any help, feel free to ask.
Escellent! I loved your analogy. Only difference... the soldier died for the innocent...Christ died for the guilty. Anyway, I rated you 5.0 for the content and inspiration. 4.0 on the structure (grammar, punctuation and spelling.) That averages to 4.5.
May I suggest a spelling change?
"Reined" as you have is spelled is what a cowboy does to his horse to direct it.
I believe you intended it to be "reigned", to have ruled over.
A beautiful poem... reminds me of my patriotic poem, "When Blue Stars Turn to Gold."
I'm glad to see that you joined the "Christian Writers Workshop."
God bless you!
Theophilus Lightwalker
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