This is a very good poem. However I do have some thoughts. Firstly, I would consider your structure, why is it exactly that you chose to break a line. Is it a new thought, or purely arbitrary. I mention this because right now, the structure of you poem feels like vertical prose. I wonder if this is a type of poetry, based on the culture of your subject? Anyway, very well done, you have great ability.
GREAT JOB
KEEP WRITING
Demo
Once again my dear friend you astound me with your ability. I totally disagree with you. I think you are wrong, and I think so quite passionately. But I have met very few poets on this site with your ability. You should be very proud of your gift.
Great Job
Keep Writing
Demo
P.S. If you would be so kind, I too have a new poem and I would love your thoughts.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1800148 by Not Available.
This is a very good poem, I like your rhythm and imagery. However, I noticed a few problems with the form. Your Iambic Pentameter was not very consistent, Try to keep your meter more fixed
Your eyes like lightning flashing fierce in fall
is a very well done line meter wise.
however
and yours is angry, cruel, intentional.
falters in the rhythm, it almost feels like you missed a beat.
my only other thought for you, is that the best rhymes happen by accident. You should try to avoid changing sentence structure just to get the rhyme at the end.
This is a great poem, I am not sure i agree with your philosophy, but that is the point of your philosophy, and in another forum I would love to have a drink with you and discourse on the deeper meaning of things.
Your poetry is genius and there is only one thing that keeps me from giving this a perfect five. It is sad because it is a common misstep in writing poetry and is purely technical. You end each and every line with punctuation, and quite often it is out of place. this breaks up sentences and risks breaking up the substance of your message. Do not assume that you must pause at the end of every line, sentences should be written just like it were prose punctuation wise. Once again this is a great poem, and you should be very proud of your ability.
Finn-
Reading this poem brings to mind brings to mind every thing I love about poetry, The words you choose are excellent and are really depict your poem.. By that I mean, the words you choose paint a picture, and I can see what you write.
Now, keep that analogy in mind, think of your self as a painter. A painter paints within a boarder, his picture is defined by where it stops, or better put, how it is contained. Now what does that mean for us as poets. I think it is a defense of rhyme and meter. While the words you chose are wonderfully descriptive and filled with poetic imagery, I will not remember them as I lie awake in bed tonight. Your thoughts will not stick in my head, so your message will not resonate in me for hours. I cannot meditate on your message or consider your philosophy.
These are the thoughts of a fellow artist and rising star, take them as you will, Just remember that we do not write for our selves, we write to convey a message and our the way we portray the art is as important as the message.
This is a very touching poem. I have two small suggestions for you. First I think that you should make the first and third stanzas have a closer rhyme, mostly you have an abcb but one and three are near rhymes. Making this more consistent would help with the flow. also I think a consistent rhythm would help the reader stay with in your poem. This is a great poem.
Thank you for writing.
KEEP WRITING
Demo
Well done, I have two suggestions, and both are merely your window dressing. I would do one of two things with your your spacing.
One I would break this up into stanzas at regular intervals, like between the pattern of single lines all starting stop and the string of lines going into more detail about specific things. Or I would pull the part that begins start away from the rest. Both of these would enhance the aesthetic beauty of this already great poem.
KEEP WRITING
Demo
This is a Great, powerful poem. You wrote this excellently. Your imagery is great, your diction is superb. It is said that language is so we can show shades of meaning behind an idea, poetry is so we can show the shades of the shades of meaning. It should be so distinct that the reader can find out what they are reading about. You have done this very well.
I do have two suggestions, actually more like observations. Firstly, I am not quite sure what And keeping it means in the chorus. It seems out of place to my eye and ear, and the lack of a rhyme scheme there throws me off. Secondly, and I see this in almost all of the poetry I read, the poem is missing a fourth level down. The absolute best poems will have treasures hidden within them. I do not mean that the whole poem has to be four or five layers deep, I mean that some parts of it should have, "hole" that dive down deep past the first few layers of everyday poetry. The fine shades and great mysteries hidden with in the simplest of nursery rhymes. This is an absolutely wonderful piece.
KEEP WRITING
Demo
This is technically brilliant, and content wise hilarious. The only suggestion I have is to look at the ends of your lines. Because of there placement, these accents are the most important of a poem. When you ends are haphazard the poem feels haphazard, even when everything else is consistent.
Nevermind you found it
On my undies doing laundry
I promise I have no idea,
How it got there, quite a quandary!
This is a good example. It, Laundry and quandary all travel down, the are off beats. Idea ends the line going up. The reader gets very used to reading poetry in its meter, when you mix it up too much it can throw the audience out of you story. That is why it is so important to maintain a constant rhythm: to keep you reader hooked in.
Great job
KEEP WRITING
Demo
This is a very good story. I have a few suggestions. Your opening seemed a little hazy. I know that is how the character is feeling, but I got a little lost myself until the Cain and Abel story got into full swing. I think the problem I had might have been that you went from writing about the state of the dead person in one moment but then started the action without any warning, It caught me off guard.
I think you capture the feeling you were looking for. You depict the Cain and Abel story very well. I do have one question about the story itself, Why is the angel of death not love anymore. surely doing He's will would be an act of love just as much as simply being in his presence. Just a thought. Again, this is a great peice.
KEEP WRITING
Demo
This is a good poem. You have great imagery and style. I have a few suggestions. Firstly I wonder about this line:
Your lips
kissable;a kiss wouldn't be enough
Why is "kissable" not capitalized?
Also, It does good to remember that poetry is meant to be read out loud. Punctuation are the sign posts for the reader. You know how to read you poem, but I do not, that is punctuation is so important.
This is a very interesting poem. It is evident that you have put a lot of thought into it. I have one typographical suggestion. you do not capitalize "as" in line four. Also the punctuation is haphazard. When the punctuation is totally lacking I can put it in my self and push my way through to the proper way to read it by the third reading or so. Obviously if the punctuation is always present I know exactly how to read it. In this case I saw it at the beginning so I expected it, but i kept stumbling when It should have been present but was not. Also some of the lines were "clanky." The strongest example was lines 6 and 7. I opine that the double use of "that" kills otherwise excellent passage with wonderful imagery.
KEEP WRITING
Demo
J-
This is a very good poem. I have a few suggestions. First, dont on the line "most dont" should be spelled with a apostrophe don't.
Also I would suggestion writing that same line "Most things wont" this would keep the rhythm you have going, and would make the last line, when you break rhythm, more powerful. you are a very promising writer.
KEEP WRITING
Demo
This is a very good poem. I have two very small suggestions. The first is purely aesthetic. I like the indentation of the second line each time, I wouldn't know without seeing it but I think it may look a little cleaner if you made the ends even, and start at different places in the middle of the refrain. That might make it look awful, but it caught my eye so I thought I would add it. The other thing is that I think the rhythm might be better fitted stanza four if you replaced contempt of with contempt for........It just sounds better to my ear as I read it loud.
This poem is obviously well written and heart felt. It is filled with emotion, the rhyme and rhythm are technically perfect, very well done
KEEP WRITING
Demo
Well done. you have mastered both story telling and poetry in this piece, like the bards of old. I was confused at first about the blue words, but then I remembered Stormy's contest. Once again, Excellent job.
KEEP WRITING Demo
This is an excellent poem, and it depicts such a true thing about writers. We really do become gods when we pick up our pens.......we hold lives in our hands and we deal out justice and mercy upon them. So what of those men are nothing more than ink.......are we anything more than dust. Thank you so much for sharing this work AND KEEP WRITING
I absolutly love this poem. your rythmn rhyme everything was just perfect. Thec ontent especially, the imagery. Im sorry if i seem like im a bit sporadic in my compliments but I was really moved by this poem. I only can find one fault in it, and it is somthing, that really almost did not matter. I would suggest some punctuation. I say it almost did not matter to me because I was able to flow right along without getting tripped up until the very last few stanzas. Reading along i stumbled not knowing how the lines fit together grammatically and the pause took me out of the poem for a second, and the poem is SO good i cant help but want everyone to stay in it the whole time.. That is the ONLY thing keeping me from giving this five stars. Great work. Thank your for writing it, and KEEP WRITING
This is an excellent poem. you masterfully spoke to me as a reader who is in the exact situation of the narrator. Your punctuation and lay out of the poem, really help you convay the breathless desire, and the whole hearted diser to know and to love. Thank you so much for writing this piece. Keep WRITING!
J-
Great poem, it actually made me think of the arguments in the choir loft about singing the nature verses of songs like "How Great Thou Art." Its foolish, that people cannot see praise nature and without thinking of crazy hippy s***, and a little sad that the hippies created that persona.
Other than that it is technically excellent and shows off the fact you have a Hamilton education. The message is great and the work wonderful. Well done, hope to talk to you soon
-Demolition
This is an Excellent story. I did find a few technical mistakes You said being Catholic was frowned upon in Owen's house hold. But you said he got in trouble when he skipped mass. Mass is only a Catholic thing. it should be "church" or "services" if you want to give the impression of a fundmentalist or evangelical family. Other then that i was very good. I gave it a four because i felt that at times it was choppy and a little hard to follow. But i think that may be do to your style of writing. (one that i am not a huge fan of) but the story is a very good and an enjoyable read.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dgcollins
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.15 seconds at 10:00am on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX2.
| (4.5)
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
