I love it! This was precisely the sort of thing that snatches at a reader and holds them by the throat. Fantastic ending filled with mystery and the promise of more to come(!)
My only concern is that it might be good to expand even more on the first part. You attempt to set a dark tone that doesn't come out till about midway through. Use description to take the reader on the gruesome five day journey (think Native Americans and the Trail of Tears?) The key to making this story as epic as you appear to intend is through the description.
Also, as an aside, were you intending this as the story being narrated through Ares? This isn't made outright clear. Long story short a day or two off and a reread will probably make you come up with a few changes to make small things like that more clear.
Grammar and spelling were good, or better written: I didn't notice anything outright.
PLEASE keep writing, otherwise it would be a tease.
I very much loved this piece. It was interesting and well written save a few word mistakes and slight grammar problems. For example: Beetle would be italicized every time. I very much like the the world you created but I feel almost if there wasn't enough exposition. You are sort of thrown into this bar scene when you're still getting used to these newer uses for terms.
I'm looking forward to reading the rest of this and hope that you got the chance to "over-haul and send to your agent" Further reviews will take this into account.
This was fantastic! I loved it! The ending tied everything together in brilliant simplicity. Truly, my only critiques are the "prologue" to the fairy tale in being that it was a tad jumbled and a slight change of phrasing to something like the beginning of a friendship as opposed to an outright friend. It seems bizarre that she would jump so quickly With those minor revisions this would easily turn from a 4.5 to a 5.0.
Interesting foray into the cutting world. Its described much like an drug user might, and is no doubt just as dangerous, for it you utilize anything as an escape for a period of time it begins to chew you apart whether that be alcohol, drugs, exercise, video games, writing... The list goes on for escapes from the harshness of the world in which we live.
That was fantastic! Honestly, it is hard to find things that you might be able to work on and there is no better testament to good writing. My only critique would be to go more into depth with each persons individual addiction. Although I cannot help but fall in love with the drunken fervor of it, it does make it a bit difficult to follow.
I will certainly be taking a look at some of your other works as they come out.
Thank you for an enjoyable (albeit dark) experience.
-Dan Freeman
Apart from a few grammatical errors here and there, the story was not bad. I was confused as to the addition of the car at the end. A time period wasn't disctinctly made apparent so I was reading it as medieval, which made for an interesting surprise at the end.
Also, as humorous as this was, it might read better differently :) "I got up off my hands and _needs_, covered in nothing but God’s grace and shook my body from top to bottom."
Unfortunately I have to return to work otherwise I'll be fired, but I would love to read more!
I enjoyed the writing. Honestly, I wish there were more. The story started off nicely; the detail appropriate. For a short story, it may have been better suited if the drama between dwarves was eliminated as it serves only to confuse the reader at the moment. I realize this could mean eliminating dialogue, but I feel if Flouvi had this conversation inwardly it might serve your purpose better. Its difficult to deal with multiple characters in a such a small space. All this said, you have a pretty good handle on the grammar though and your style created some nice fluid reading.
I LOVE it! The point of view is very nicely portrayed and the language begins to develop a rhythm later into the piece. My only wish is you used the sound of the words to give a harshness to the doll's thoughts. A slight lengthening of the poem might allow you to develop a stronger parallel between the approach of the person and the disgust the doll feels for being handled.
Thank you!
Dan Freeman
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dfreeman321
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 7:57pm on Nov 27, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
