I love the two paragraphs where you describe exactly what part of God's Land the place Izzie lives in fits into. The description in those two paragraphs, and the metaphors you draw upon are so beautiful. I especially like the way you described this: "begging the waist high weeds to grow inside like whores on the street, wrapping around the cracked plastic drawers, still lined with mold." Really creative!
The part where you describe the Carrie Underwood song is pretty funny, too.
I only found a few small editing problems:
"but it made me feel better[,] feel better [about] mocking his words along with the rock station on the radio."
"Besides, she took me down to [too] many points."
"We live in the part of God's Land, way in the back where [He] he outlaws the broken down El.." I wasn't sure about this one, but I think that it's common to capitalize He when you're talking about God.
I would love to read more of this story, I really want to know exactly how Izzie solves the problems in her life.
Overall, great start!
This was so horribly sad, it brought tears to my eyes. I completely sympathized with Johnny. The emotions you play on in this piece are amazing. I felt frustation for his mother, anger at his father, and felt like slapping his brother silly. I was really hoping the end would be something better, inspirational. Maybe he would learn to play the piano again. But I understand that this ending also fits. In reality, this is probably what would have happened to a boy who lost his hopes and dreams.
I can't wait to read more of your work!
Keep up the awesome writing!
I love the names you chose for your characters! And I love the characters themselves. An old theif on his last breakin teaching a newbie tricks of the trade. Very cool idea. I like the description you put into the story, and the spanish words you used to give the piece flavor. I especially liked the "that grandmother of a man" insult! My favorite part of this story was the first paragraph. Very gripping!
Keep up the great work! I can't wait to read more of your writing.
wow, very creepy. this poem definitely sent shivers down my spine. The emotions in this piece are very well played on...the way the girl hums and colors, the way she rocks back and forth. I wish I knew exactly what happened, you leave a lot to the imagination. For example, why is there a muddy butcher's knife and why are the bunk beds treacherous?
Also, why does the girl get her crayons from an urn instead of a regular box?
All in all, great poem! Very creepy and very emotional. Keep up the awesome writing!
Beautiful. Your writing is amazing and brings out so many different emotions the woman was experiencing. I like the way you told the story. The "raw scream" made me jump too! I wasn't expecting it after reading the first stanza, although I probably should have since you said "the calm before the storm."
Anyway, all in all, really lovely. I'm not a great poet, so I can't review your poem's structure, etc, however it seemed very smooth and seamless to me!
This poem has a lot of potential.
I thought it was interesting the way you used the word depressing in the second stanza. As far as word choice goes, I thought you could have used a bit better variety, especially when you used the words filled and pain. You repeated those two words in the last two stanzas.
Also, I wasn't sure if the poem was free verse or metered, because various parts of the piece rhyme. It's hard to tell if you meant to rhyme the words or if it was a fluke.
I think the idea for this poem is really great. This piece has potential to become great if you expand it a little more and maybe just tweak the meter/rhyme and word choice.
Of course, these are all just my suggestions, and I'm far from a literary master! ;D
Overall, this is a really great idea and I can't wait to see how it evolves as you work on it more.
Keep writing! :)
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