I really appreciate this entry. This is a powerful poem and your structure is consistent. My favorites are the 1st stanza and the ending. The first stanza flowed so naturally and poetically. I am touched by your phrasing and emotion of this with the spirit of desiring peace.
A possible suggestion:
Stanza 4/line 2 "Twin towers did collapse" perhaps "The twin towers collapsed" (which is essentially still a rhyme with "perhaps")
Thank you for your entry. It is always a pleasure to see you in the contest.
This is such a lovely poem - romantic, spiritual, mystical - and a deep pleasure to read.
It takes me to another place inside, and it is beautiful there.
This poem has a thoroughly wonderful flow... my only hesitation was at the line
"The be-all and end-all" - as that feels more like slang expression.
Thank you for submitting this poem to the contest. We hope to see more from you!
I like your poem. I appreciate the rawness of it which evokes thought and emotion. I like that you have mixed more coarse language with softer, "romantic" language. I also appreciate the poignancy of the ending.
I would suggest looking at your punctuation again, to see if you've placed it where you would like the reader to pause. I noticed sometimes the word I was capitalized and the sometimes not. My tendency would be to suggest that whichever way it's used should be consistent. There's a few spelling things: line 2 "is it just another heart your buying." (your should be you're - contraction for you are). A couple times you used "hearts" for heart is which would typically be heart's, but it seems like you're not using apostrophies. So, perhaps the suggestion about you're would be youre. 4th line from the bottom has a typo "Again i drink the posison from the vial"
This is a powerful poem. Thank you for submitting it to the contest. We hope to see more from you!
This poem is "earthy romantic." I've never used that expression before, but this seemed to call for it. To me, you have more romantic phrasing mixed with "grittier" or "more tangible" phrasing... such as "morph", "concluding episode", "roast some oysters", "tangled up in love". I appreciate the way they compliment each other.
It appears you have the grossblank form down. I'm not sure if it was all in iambic pentameter, but my pentameter counter isn't always accurate. I would suggest browsing over for punctuation, to see if you have us pausing where you want us to.
Thank you for submitting this poem to the contest. We hope to see more from you.
Warm regards,
~des
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Your poem uses straight-forward language and metaphor to convey a sense of honest emotional expression which I appreciate. Your abab rhyme scheme was successful.
I would suggest looking at the punctuation again, to see if it appears where you would like the reader to pause.
For instance, the last stanza:
"Fall is everywhere near it appears
Beneath a mountain I'm watching its
Russet hues of sunset, color years,
Leaving behind warmth that youth permits"
I read a few times and my mind wanted to read it as:
"Fall is everywhere near, it appears.
Beneath a mountain I'm watching its
Russet hues of sunset color years,
Leaving behind warmth that youth permits."
Thank you for submitting this poem to the contest. We hope to see more from you.
I appreciate the straight-forward language and the flow of this piece, as well as the message conveyed.
A couple small things gave me pause,
I'm not sure if stanza 2/line 1 needs the comma within
For me, the meter would feel more consistent if stanza 2/line 4 "With smiles and deceit" was "With smiles and with deceit".
Thank you for submitting this poem to the contest. We hope to see more from you.
I very much appreciate the message of this poem. (To me) personal accountability and treat others as you yourself would like to be treated. Your poems often convey a sense of humbleness, spirituality, and caring tenderness to me, and this is no exception.
While I appreciate the sentiments and the imagery, some of the phrasing feels a little awkward such as "I don’t know if my next meal I will get" and "My clothes are dirty, they stink and are wet." In the line "I knew not then what’s poverty and strife" consider "I knew not then of poverty and strife."
Thank you for submitting this to the contest. We always appreciate your entries and look forward to seeing more from you.
I love this poem! You have wonderful, interesting, and vivid descriptions. "blissfully unaware of her cozy aura"
I might suggest going back through and seeing if your verb tenses are consistent. (some was past, most present... some of the past ones might work better as present also)
Oh, Lidi, this is breathtaking. I am deeply touched by your lovely words that create such a wonderful feeling of that spiritual place. This is soothing and joyful to read.
Your sentence structure and punctuation is good. I only have 2 possible small suggestions... The first line "In the quiet of the night there is a stillness that welcomes me to a place of rest." could be said with less words "In the quiet of the night, stillness welcomes me to a place of rest." Also, in the line "Will you come away with me again my beloved?" He said. Perhaps... "Will you come away with me again, my beloved?" He asked.
A delightful sing-song tale in wonderful rhyme and meter... very creative, and a touch of sad within the humor.
One possible suggestion for this stanza:
No matter how I tried I failed,
I could not write another book.
But still my first was often hailed, (And so my first was often hailed,)
A “one-time wonder, come and look!” ("A one-time wonder, come and look!")
Thank you for submitting this poem to the cafe. We hope to see more from you!
A sestina?? A format I have not yet tried, but I can appreciate it is complex without actually writing one.
I immediately recognized rich, descriptive language... but had to read it a couple times to get my sense of what was going on.
In stanza 4 "our weaver"... I wondered when he became ours... perhaps "this weaver" I'm not sure about the use of "round" in the last line of the 4th stanza. I also wondered about the use of "bound" in the last line.
Thank you for submitting this descriptive and complex poem to the contest. We hope to see more from you.
This is a touching and clever poem. As a mom of teenagers I can relate to it! After years of sacrificing and stressing and putting yourself last, what do you do once you can suddenly do something for yourself? I imagine myself doing just what you described.
In stanza 2 line 2 I wondered about "nix endless list of things to do." perhaps "nixed endless lists of things to do."
I wondered also about the phrasing of the last line and whether repeating the first line as the last line might work better.
Thank you for submitting this poem to the contest. We hope to see more from you.
What a lovely, light-hearted poem. I can almost imagine you singing that to your special person, and the smile that would bring.
I was pleased to read that MC helped you with the meter of this poem. He is a nice man. I believe he usually does the abcb rhyme scheme. The abab in this one is more restrictive for word choices and with so few beats per line it is harder for those rhymes to flow naturally.
This is a sweet and tender poem. Thank you for submitting it to the contest. We hope to see more from you.
This poem has breathtaking imagery which I can feel through your words as sensory and spiritual experience. Your phrasings are always beautifully poetic.
I did wonder some about not starting the first line with the word "when" also.
In stanza 3/line 6 "Their fresh fragrance assaulting my senses,"
"assaulting" seemed a somewhat strong word within the poem, perhaps something like "permeating"
in the last line I also wondered about "avenues" which didn't seem to quite go along with the spiritual, beautiful images of nature up to that point... perhaps something like "pathways"
Another wonderful poem, rich with your beautiful poetic voice. Thank you for submitting this to the contest. We hope to see more from you.
WOW! This is an incredibly moving poem. It is both mentally and emotionally satisfying. I didn't know how much I loved this structure until you used it here. Normally poems with such a repetition seem too wordy or awkward to me, but you have employed the use of refrains to perfection here for me. They were chilling and poignant, emphasizing what you were saying in exactly the right ways. The whole narrative is incredible, the phrasing and the rhyme flow naturally and poignantly. The poem builds and builds to a great closing stanza. This poem touched me with tears. Did I say that already? Most of the lines are my favorites, but some standouts for me are "The noise grows distant in my ear." The meaning of that is clear, but you aren't leading me by the hand with it. Additionally, it feels like I as the reader know what it means before the subject does. Moreover, I feel you have captured some emotion of the subject in this situation... like, when he said "To see once more your loving smile." Being apart from the experience, we know that if she were there she would not be smiling... but the subject could quite possibly still be thinking that way.
I appreciated your entry in the forum about this poem. It is nice to know that you spend so much time on each poem. (Especially this past month when you did it 13 times! )
If I were to offer any suggestion it would be that your meter feels perfect to me with one exception "cacaphony of cries" - perhaps "a jumbling of cries" or something like that.
Anyway, BRAVO, Ben! Thank you for submitting this poem to the contest. We hope to see more from you.
I love this poem. I feel it as honest personal expression, written from the heart and soul and guided by the mind. All of these work together to reveal your depth of tenderness and sensitivity. It is touching and insightful. The stanzas followed a logical progression that built to the ending. The ending stanza was perfect for me, with the prompt used so well and poignantly.
In stanza 1/line 4 "Wings why often I swing." I keep wanting to read that as "Wings why I often swing." Stanza 2/line 1 "But..." consider "So..."
Thank you for submitting this wonderful poem to the contest. We hope to see more from you.
A ballade? In trochaic tetrameter? For the cafe? Well done, Ben! I loved it even before I opened it " Dedicated to bohemian poets, wherever they may gather." Very clever... and very you. Props for having your "b" line consisting of words that rhyme with "schmoozing". This is a delightful poem that was fun to read... and I have an understanding of what effort that would take to make it so.
We appreciate your contribution to the cafe! We hope to see more from you!
I like this poem. The first thing that caught my eye is I appreciate how it looks on the page. I also like the straight-forward language and random rhyming - and the exclamation points! - it feels very energized, conveying a sense of anxiety and/or confusion which I feel was appropriate to what you were saying. I actually had to slow my mind down and read it deliberately because it pulls me along so quickly that I can't keep up. I noticed this is the only item in your port. I hope that means it is just the first of many more to come.
You are a talented writer. Thank you for submitting this to the contest. We hope you will be back with us.
What a delightful poem you have submitted. I thoroughly enjoyed this! The rhythm and the phrasing make it fun to read. Your structure (a/a/b/b stanzas with 8 syllables per line) fits your poem subject very well. This is humorous and follows a logical order with some unique poetic expression (such as: "with textured air like grated cheese" ).
I wondered slightly about "Germs surf the breeze of each wet sneeze" perhaps "on each wet sneeze"? In stanza 5, line 4 I believe bosses should have an apostrophe at the end (bosses').
Again, a pleasure to read! Thank you for submitting this in the contest. We hope to see you back!
I really appreciate the story in this poem and the ending was great.
Admittedly, I was confused the first time I read it when you said "Boy, alone, at home..." I thought he was at home and wondered how they were all staring at him. Maybe "Boy, alone, comfortable..."?
I was uncertain of the phrasing of "scorn the meek" and "break the weak" because those are things he actually wasn't as you mentioned that you admired his strength. The dancing boy wasn't actually lonely, but alone. I also wondered about staring into his eyes "for an eternity" - obviously it's an exaggeration, but didn't seem to fit what was going on. When I read further to his reply it seemed like he would have found the words to say that fairly quickly?
Overall, an interesting read with a delightful ending.
Thank you for submitting this to the contest. We hope to see more from you.
Ben! Congratulations on winning 1st place in the ballade contest with this poem! It was well-deserved, especially that you have since experienced a ballade addiction... and even kindly encouraged me to write one also. It is indeed a challenging form to write. I'm glad you put so much time and effort into writing for the prompt "drawn together." Last month I commented about your genius, and asked about you writing something with emotion. You have done that.
Overall the refrain works well for me, the last one a little less than the others. I'm also hesitating with the phrasing of "A misplaced seed did fatal wound impart." Perhaps "The seed misplaced did fatal wound impart." Referring back to the first time the seed was mentioned in that stanza. Also, on that reference "Which grew within her womb like precious seed." I would suggest it was not "like" precious seed, but "is" precious seed. Perhaps "Which grew within her womb from precious seed." But, then again, it didn't really grow in her womb if it was misplaced?
Perhaps:
"Her eyes alight, she told me of a pearl
Which grew within her womb like precious seed."
(To grow within her womb from precious seed.)
Again, Ben... excellent writing... definitely challenging, and emotional as well.
Thank you for submitting this poem to the contest. We hope to keep seeing more from you.
Your poem conveys a sense of longing. I love the lines:
"Words fail to break through,
And recoil with sympathy."
The rhyme (abcb) and meter flow much better for me in the last 3 stanzas than in the first 2. With most of the poem revolving around the dance metaphor, I'm not sure of the expression "He'll play out his life - with fingers to toy." I am not understanding that line.
Thank you for submitting your poem to the contest. We hope to see more from you.
Regards,
~des
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What a winsome feeling I get from this. It is "sadly lovely" with a feeling of tender spiritual longing. I felt like I was there looking out the window through some peephole from your psyche. Thank you for letting me in there. A poignant line for me is "Trapped inside a corrupted shell of flesh and bone..."
I'm not sure if the full expression "gypsy soul" used 3 times worked for me; however, I can't think of an alternative. Hmmm... perhaps if the 2nd one were altered slightly... like "my aching soul"... something? Not sure. I also wondered of the closing lines about the division of the phrase "to golden shores" on separate lines... perhaps 3 lines? 1st starting with "on", 2nd with "to", and 3rd with "in".
Thank you for submitting this poem to the contest. We hope to see more from you.
You stick to your abcb 7/6/7/6 format very well. This is an emotionally strong piece that uses the sea as a metaphor for life. In that regard, I am touched that you were seeking to "avoid a whale or shark" rather than kill one! I feel this speaks to your tender-hearted nature and kindness. I feel a contemplativeness in this piece I can identify with - we all have those times, M C.
Here's a couple suggestions:
Stanza 2/line 3 "But how to get out of the" (But how do I get out of)?
Stanza 3/line 3 "Is rather difficult," (Is very difficult)?
Stanza 3/line 4 "A dream that is occult." (A dream of the occult)?
I just realized Stanza 4/line 3 which should be 7 is only 6 "Am I really living?"
Stanza 4/lines 3 & 4
"Am I really living?
This life is a pretence."
(Am I really living or
Is life just a pretence?")
As always, thank you for submitting your poem to the contest. We look forward to your words each month and hope to see more from you!
Warmly,
~des
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To me, you have more romantic phrasing mixed with "grittier" or "more tangible" phrasing... such as "morph", "concluding episode", "roast some oysters", "tangled up in love". I appreciate the way they compliment each other.
A format I have not yet tried, but I can appreciate it is complex without actually writing one.
Well done, Ben! I loved it even before I opened it " Dedicated to bohemian poets, wherever they may gather." Very clever... and very you.