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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/destinae
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13 Public Reviews Given
383 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Destinae Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello. I'm a member of the Sci Fi novel workshop and we're actively recruiting members during the month of August, so if you'd like to both give and receive in-depth reviews, we'd appreciate it if you'd consider joining. I really enjoyed your first chapter here and I'd love to read more.

You have been reviewed by the Novel Workshop Landing Pad. Feel free to check us out at "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. and if interested sign up via "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

Title: "Chapter 1- A Cure for ImmortalityOpen in new Window.
Author: Sara King Author IconMail Icon

corrections and suggestions in pink--mistakes struck out
personal suggestions/observations in blue

Character Development: I loved your characters. They came to life through their actions and dialogue and I especially enjoyed the names of Giggles and Rabbit. You described Athenais and the three colonists well. Athenais and Paul are compelling characters that helped draw me into this world.

Just My Personal Opinion: This chapter started out strong and it finished strong. Your characters were described well, there was enough description of the setting for me to get a good feel of the place and I really enjoyed this piece of science fiction. I enjoy Utopian worlds. You raised questions in this chapter--such as how does someone live for thousands of years?--and you answered questions--the Millennium Potion, while raising a central conflict and introducing riveting characters. A job very well done. I don't usually give out 5 stars, but this kept me engaged from beginning to end.

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Athenais had had a couple men hit on her before, even a couple respectable space captains, like herself, but the encounters always ended up with blood on the floor and Giggles going for his gun. [I never like to place two 'hads' next to each other in a sentence. It reads clumsily and doesn't look natural. There is an easy way to reword this: A few men had hit on Athenais before, even a couple…]

Most of the time, Athenais's tall, lean frame, short hair, and negligible mammary glands got her mistaken for a man—an ugly man—which was fine with her.

And, though it was easy for Utopians to change their eye color, colonists usually did not have that luxury.

“Yes you are. You’re human scum. Wanted in all four quadrants and have death warrants on three hundred sixteen planets. [This is really awkward, leaving me wondering if you forgot a word in there. I'd suggest: Wanted in all four quadrants, with death warrants on three hundred sixteen planets.] The price on your head is double that of the next three bounties combined.”

Paul lowered his eyes at her glare, but his sulkiness remained. “Most Utopians don’t have scars.”

Athenais suddenly burst out laughing, [I'd suggest taking out suddenly because you don't need it and it just weakens the action, in my opinion.] spraying beer over half the table. Morgan had to pound her on the back before she could stop choking. She wiped her face and said, “You want to steal it? Oh my God, that’s classic.”

Stealing the Millennium Potion was hard enough. Destroying it would take an act of God. As much as she’d like to see it disappear, Beetle and her crew of six were impotent against Eriad’s fleet. The little ball of tropical islands had a battalion of ships that could defend it against anything the rest of the universe could throw at it, and then some. Trying to slip past its defenses would be a grueling, thankless project that would doubtless end up with Beetle getting confiscated and her finances seized. Again.

Athenais stopped and stared at the door in silence. After a moment, she said, “Come to Beetle tomorrow and we’ll talk. Have some sort of payment in mind.”

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2
2
Review by Destinae Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Creepy!

I thought this piece was very suspenseful and well written. I had no idea what he was going to do with the skin so you did manage to make the ending a surprise. I thought the ending was perfect. It would have been nice to know why he had been searching for a new skin or exactly what was wrong with him, but I also like that you kept this short and simple.

Here's my one and only suggestion:
I smirked as I pictured myself with a jeweler’s loop in my eye, analyzing this the tiny glowing image on the screen.
-I think you should drop this or if you want to keep it the way it is, you need a comma in between this and the.

Very well written!
3
3
Review of For a Brother  Open in new Window.
Review by Destinae Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very well written. I especially enjoyed your descriptive passages. Very imaginative. It was definitely a surprise ending. I wasn't expecting the main character to switch places with Tegan.

There was one spot where I was confused though.
Research on werewolves consumed me. Then I heard of the Bray Road Beast, I knew it was Tegan.
-You mention the main character researching werewolves, but there was no mention of how he knew that that's what his brother was. When the ghost cursed him, there was no mention of what kind of a curse it was, so I found it kind of jarring that he would just know that Tegan was now a werewolf.

Otherwise, keep up the good work!
4
4
Review of Royal Pretender  Open in new Window.
Review by Destinae Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I thought you did very well in keeping with the historical time period. I’ve never read the book this is based on, so some of the stuff that struck me as strange would probably be answered in there, so I won’t with that since this is kind of a fanfiction piece. You did well at describing the characters and fleshing them out. They each have distinctive characteristics and their own personal voices. Your dialogue was excellent too. One thing I wanted to mention, though is that the story seems kind of short. This is probably because it leaves off where the book picks up (I assume?), but the ending just seemed a little weak. Like I said, it would probably make more sense if I had read the book...I might have to check it out. *Smile* Otherwise, I really enjoyed this story.

Here are a some suggestions for you:
If only he didn’t feel so inadequate next to this father, who was much taller than him.
-This should be his.

His lip trembled at the thought, betraying the anxiety he felt.
-I would suggest changing this to lips, unless you want to specify which lip trembled.

She is smart, yet demur. She has long, silky blonde hair and the sweetest blue eyes, windows into her darling soul. She is a fine shape. If the Archduke was not Catholic, she might not have refused him, but she was unwilling to change her religion for him.
-This paragraph seemed a little awkward when I came to it, because it is written in present tense and kind of breaks up the story a little bit. I would suggest rewording it. Something like She was smart, yet demur. She had long, silky ... You get the idea. The way you have it worded just made the whole paragraph seem out of place in the rest of the story.

“Remember, you are a prince, but do not forget, in front of the princess you are Monsieur de Busch, traveling for your own pleasure.”
-I added the a, because I didn’t think it sounded right without it.

They rarely received visitors in small little Ansbach and not at the summer residence were it was barely staffed.
Typo: were should be where.

Her own mother had died when she was eleven and Sophia Charlotte had raised her until her own death, a couple of months ago.
-I added the bold her.

Caroline left in sadness after her death to join her brother in Ansbach, but nothing seemed to help her mood.
-I would suggest a little clarification here. Caroline left where in sadness? Germany, Berlin, whatever, it just needs some clarification to help the sentence flow better and make more sense.

His cheeks were full of color and his lively expressive hinted at his vitality.
-I think expressive should be changed to expression.

She reached out and put her hand on her window still to brace her now unsteady feet.
-Typo: still should be sill.

Her eyes fluttered as she absently smiled, Her thoughts lingered on the young nobleman.
-You either need to change that comma to a period or a semi-colon and change Her to her. Or, if you prefer, you can change Her to her and then change lingered to lingering.

I would be delighted to hear how her mother is doing.
-I added the be.

The Electress Sophia is just as kind as her daughter was.”
-The daughter is dead, so I would suggest reflecting that fact by adding was at the end.

His pulse raced, and despite himself, he felt his pants grow hard.
-I’m not sure this is really possible, if you understand what I mean. I would reword this sentence.

Caroline was very much aware of her brother’s eyes. His protective stare warned her not to linger on this man’s compliments.
-I added the to.

He had always favored blonde hair, blue eyes, and a curvy body, but she was the living fulfillment of everything he wanted in a woman.
-I added the was.

His disgusted name was Monsieur Stedwig.
-I think this should be disguised. (Unless it really is a disgusting name!)

Baron von Eltz engaged William in a conversation about politics, leaving George to talk to Caroline. He’d never seen his charge so animated and excited in all his life.
-I’m not quite sure about the placement of this sentence. It occurs right before George asks Caroline why she looks so sad, which wouldn’t indicate that she’s either animated or excited. And she doesn’t seem to be either throughout most of their dinner. If you decided to keep this as is, though, I would suggest changing He’d to William, just to clarify who you’re talking about.

She found Monsieur de Busch very animated with lively expression and neat features.
-I think this should be expressions.

I believing nothing could speed her recovery more than your visit.”
-Should be believe.

With every passing minute, she was drawn more and more into him.
-I would suggest changing into to to.

They both stumbled back and hit the wall. Caroline softly laughed and George put one hand on her upper arm, with the other, he grabbed her wrist and pulled her into his body so they were chest to chest.
-I would suggest adding the with and removing the second comma to help with sentence flow.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
5
5
Review by Destinae Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow, you had a lot of detail in not a lot of space. I thought your writing was really good and your whole story flowed really well. This is a good intro to your novel and once you put it up on WDC, I would like to read it. I was hooked from the first sentence.

I noticed a few mistakes that I wanted to point out to you.
The discrimination dealt to those Hestians who tried to make Earth there home was all but unbearable and soon large communities where only Hestians could be found were formed on Earth.
-I bolded there because in this case, you want to use their.

There would now be five prevailing nations, Earth being the most prominent with its moon and the nearby Mars being a part of the Commonwealth.
-I added the bold be.

Edwin’s trusted and loved brother Laimen, who was the appointed Commanding Officer of the Military, lead a quick and quiet rebellion.
-Lead should be led.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
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