I really liked this peice. You've done a great job of setting the atmosphere, it flows well, and the writing is technically sound. Well done!
The only minor thing that stood out for me was this: ' His face (Bill believed it to be male) was deathly pale and pitted with pock marks, but the mouth! ' the gender of this creature is irrelevant to the story, and by using brackets you essentially interrupt the reader, (and therefore the flow of the story,) with info that isn't needed. "It's face..." would be just fine.
A job well done my good man. Keep it up!
Respectfully,
Denny J
Since this is your first attempt, welcome to the wild and whacky world of writing. I hope all of your experiences on writing.com are positive and educational. You picked the right place to to test the waters, so to speak.
The good things as I see them: you have a wonderful and vivid imagination, (a 'must have' for any fiction writer) you obviously enjoy writing, and you're not afraid to hang it out there and ask for help. You have the basic building blocks to become a better writer,and from what I can tell from this peice it's just a matter of time and practice practice practice!
There is a lot of things wrong with this peice. Almost all of it in fact. But I'm not going to pick it apart. All I WILL do is offer advice based on having a few more years of writing experience under my belt.
1) READ READ READ. Read everything you can. Sucessful writers have one thing in common. They are all avide, insatiable readers. The more you read, the more your conscious and subconscious mind absorbs and catalogues the mechanics of writing.
2) WRITE WRITE WRITE. Write anything. Write all the time. The more you write, the better you will get. It really is that simple.
3) REVISE REVISE REVISE. read and re-read your stuff constantly. What seemed like a brilliantly written phrase sentence or paragraph at first draft may turn out to be an 'omg, i can't believe i wrote that crap' somewhere down the road. (voice of personal experience here.) Constantly ask yourself 'is that what I really wanted to say? Is that how I really wanted to say it? Does it make sense? If I bought this book would I be pleased or disappointed with it?
4) Stay positive. Writing is totally subjective. Like they say about garage sales: one man's trash is another man's treasure. So it is with writing. One person might think your work is the best writing in the world, another might think the same peice is absolute garbage. Always believe in yourself and your talent.
I was absolutely mesmerized by this. Extremely well done. You envoked HD images, and that IS what it's all about. You have the gift, no doot aboot it.
Only two tiny little things:
{P7-L2} "smiling into my gaping mouth" Not sure why, but that sentence really bothered me. it practically leapt off the page. I THINK because I immediately visualized Edna leaning way forward and smiling just inches away from your mouth.
{P20-L3} '....Sara, and Sara’s daughter of only six years on the same day became to great a sorrow to bear. ' <''became to great' should be 'became too great'
Keep up the awesome work. Looking forward to reading more of your stuff.
Denny J
Wow.. you've definitely captured a moment in time where we as writers have all been upon occasion. Well done.
Me, personally, my penmanship is so bad that I long ago gave up writing with pens. Seems I missed out on many a good opportunity to entertain myself via doodling. lol Typing random or repetitive letters on a typewriter isn't near as enthralling. (all said tongue-in-cheek of course)
Someone once told me that when you hit the point this peice is refering to, the dreaded writer's block moment, then just write. ANYTHING. Giberish if that's all you can muster. The very act of writing will at some point, unclog that plugged up mental drainpipe.
It's never worked for me, (I'm either 'in the zone' or not, it's pretty much that simple) but it might be worth a try.
Anyway. Didn't find one technical thing in this to critisize. Good job.
Denny J
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