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52 Public Reviews Given
52 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by ded2daworld Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hey Jeff,
Just wanted to thank you for sponsoring me for the novel writing thing this month.
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Review of IN THE BEGINNING  Open in new Window.
Review by ded2daworld Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
So are you in a real prison or the prison of your mind?
If you're not in real prison, you have access to all sorts of foods.
If you're just talking about work, it's just one meal of the day.
If you were being poetic as in, we are imprisoned in our bodies, I didn't see it.
Well written otherwise, spelling grammar, context all fine.
Lot of potential. Happy writing.
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Review of Cold fireplace  Open in new Window.
Review by ded2daworld Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Ashes are not burnouts from the fire. The ashes were once wood, fundamentally changed after being subjected to the fire.We too, are changed with the flames of passion and desire. Once there, we can never go back to the way we were. The wood was fundamentally alive, it wood (pun) not burn if it wasn't. The ashes are the dead remains. They can no longer be burned by the flames of passion or desire. Thank God we are not like wood. We can and will be burned again and again and keep coming back for more.
Good work. I don't usually review over 500 words.
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Review of Non-believer  Open in new Window.
Review by ded2daworld Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
" learnt " "learned" (three times)
"whether my parents" whether or not my parents"

I'm sorry you no longer believe in true love or love that lasts a lifetime. It does happen in the real world. I've been married 40 years and my wife and I are still crazy about each other. We are happy also. Here's a clue though, don't let your happiness be determined by other people and circumstances. The source of all unhappiness is A.) We want our circumstances to be different, B.) We want the people around us to act the way WE think they should act, and/or C.) We don't behave or act like the loving, caring, giving person we would like to be or see ourselves as. In other words, we mentally beat ourselves up for our failures.
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Review of Golden Rule  Open in new Window.
Review by ded2daworld Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
No errors in grammar, spelling, or punctuation that I could see. There was a problem with the sentence being dropped down to the next line. This happens if we hit the enter key before the sentence is at the end of the page. I have often made this mistake myself. I looks good on our side, but when it gets uploaded, it makes the breaks wherever instead of where you put them. Happy writing! Good stuff
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Review by ded2daworld Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well written. Spelling, grammar, punctuation all very good. Not O. Henry but still pretty good. A Twilight Zone episode would have fleshed it out a bit more, perhaps with her waking up several mornings in a row from the samr nightmare until the nightmare comes true. Maybe more into how her Father had lost his life. I think it would have been cool for her to be leaning over the railing so far because she imagined she saw her father in the water and crying out to her to save him. The railings are pretty high on cruise ships. You can't lean over without at least stepping on the lower railing to get up higher.
Happy writing!
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Review by ded2daworld Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I was hesitant to review this. I didn't want your feelings hurt, but, then I remembered you said it was an exercise.
Personally, I hate run on sentences. Apparently, you were making one sentence paragraphs for the exercise. I get that. Very difficult to do. I'm not sure what the purpose would be. Even in grade school, we were discouraged from one sentence paragraphs. Discouraged from run on sentences. Maybe it was to show you how hard it is to understand when a sentence continues, and continues, and continues. So, I hate the style. I appreciate it took a lot of work. You did a good job. Why they would have anyone do it as an exercise though...
To me, it's like teaching a budding comic to have bad timing, so he'll know good timing. Banks don't teach tellers how to spot counterfeit money by giving them counterfeit money. They have them look and feel and touch real money so much so that they can tell instantly when they have a counterfeit in their hands.
No one became a great writer by reading poorly written books. I'm sure I've made my point. Good work, stupid assignment.
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Review by ded2daworld Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (1.5)
If her hair grew a "stick;s length" (whatever that was) every day and she cut her hair once a month, why wasn't there plenty of hair to go around? And come on, a single strand "if used wisely" would feed a person for a lifetime? Has anyone really ever died of shame? How was she sent to the sky? If she had already died of shame what does she care about her hair being scattered...? All over the world? One persons head of hair? It's impossible for a hair to grow after it's been cut, even if woven amongst other living hairs.
Cinnia's hair would have grown out quickly, hard to believe she wouldn't cut it for the villagers when she cut it monthly anyway. Did she toss the cuttings away each month or burn them up? Didn't she kind of kill the goose that grew the golden hair?
Well, what do I know? I didn't like childrens' stories even when I was a child.
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Review of First Kiss  Open in new Window.
Review by ded2daworld Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Guessed it was some sort of non-human by the time the secret was revealed. Actually he was living the life as the mate of a black widow spider. He himself could not be a "widow" and I could be wrong but I believe the males do not have the telltale trademark of the red hourglass on their abdomen. Stil good. Nicely done.
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Review of Project 81  Open in new Window.
Review by ded2daworld Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Good story! I was slightly confused by ". But with all that had been going on in the last hour, the crowd had to be moved to a nearby school until they could be safely evacuated."
Wrongly, I suppose, I assumed the crowd was yet to get inside the schoolhouse so when the beings came down through the ceiling rather than the sky and hovered above the floor rather than the ground, I was thinking, "Wha-a-a-?
But figured it out. Thank you and happy writing.
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Review by ded2daworld Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
" Got 1 good friend" This was the only number so would maybe be better with "one"
The title doesn't fit what you wrote. I read the title and I was expecting all kinds of mispelled words and bad grammar. I was pleasantly surprised as you formed coherent sentences. I don't need to mention how important the title is to fit the following words. Someone expecting a rap would have been disappointed and I, like I said, was pleasantly surprised. Happy writing!
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Review of Balance  Open in new Window.
Review by ded2daworld Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (1.5)
Grammar, commas, syntax. All need work.

You are looking for balance in your life, not "a" balance. A balance can be bought at any store.

". I, not being a religious man, learned long ago, if I wanted to cre..."
How about: "I'm not a religious man but, I learned long ago..."

"Now being accomplished was something I was quite good at." - redundant. you are good at something and you are therefore accomplished at it.

"I started my collection, several years ago, since then it has grown tenfold"
I started my collection several years ago. Since then, it has grown tenfold.

"Like take her for instance"
Take that one for instance.

" where they are concerned."
where brunettes are concerned.

"What is a man to do hmm."
What's a man to do?...hmm...

"and yes take what I wish."
and yes, take what I want.

" why you can almost get a sense from her she is longing to join my collection, of pretties."
why, it's obvious that she is longing to join my collection of pretties.

" For now though I will take her."
For now though, I will take her

"Yes achieving balance will have to wait, for another day."
Yes, acheiving balance will have to wait for another day.
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Review of Perfection  Open in new Window.
Review by ded2daworld Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Exactly right. Couldn't find any errors in spelling, grammar, or syntax. Perfection is, indeed, subjective. How many gymnasts at the olumpics get all tens? I think there has only been a few in the history of the olympics. Many however have received a 10 from at least one judge.
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Review of Desire  Open in new Window.
Review by ded2daworld Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
The writing is OK. Missed a beginning sentence cap. These are apparently the rambling thoughts of a future rapist. "how my body aches for you" with
" I do not know you yet see you every day." means he doesn't even know her but, instead of love at first sight, this is lust at first sight since his body aches for her. It also sounds like this guy has never had a girlfriend before. He goes beyond "putting her on a pedestal" and deifys her bu saying his life depends on her approval. The rapist part comes in here: "Should you not respond to my futile attempt to woo you I will not give in. nothing can stop me from my love not even you. I am nothing if not persistent."So if this girl doesn't respond the way he wants her to, he will persist and she won't be able to stop him. Sounds like rape to me. He then tells her what she "must" do. This future rapist says that, "he holds the key to her pleasure", more rapist talk. He also tells her not to leave him and she isn't even with him. How he would ache "at the thought of you with another". He doesn't own her, he hasn't even met her.
To show he is weird: "A single rejection and I am through." followed a couple of sentences with, "Should you not respond to my futile attempt to woo you I will not give in. nothing can stop me from my love not even you. I am nothing if not persistent."
This guy is working himself up to a fantasy world where only his pleasure and feelings matter and not the girls (Who still doesn't even know he exists) Yes, indeedy. A future rapist. He understands nothing about real love. He only understands passion. Passion which apparently isn't mutual.
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Review of Red Bear  Open in new Window.
Review by ded2daworld Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
" We all were in the dark living room"
In the afternoon in the summer, you were all in the dark living room?

"One day my mother was going to bake a pie when she realized that she did not have enough sugar."

How about: "One day, my mother was preparing to bake a pie. She realized she didn't have enough sugar."

Mother was not "going" to bake a pie. She was still right there in the kitchen, not "going" anywhere.

I can see how the red bear story helped you to close your eyes. Did she manage to keep the sugar safe until she arrived home?
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Review of Keeper of Secrets  Open in new Window.
Review by ded2daworld Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I couldn't fault it. Excellent. I know you were limited on the words so you probably would have fleshed the characters out a little more. I've owned horses and quarter horses are usually just average size. (About 15 hands) Chester looks like he could be a Clydesdale. No one knows for sure without seeing the forelocks but average clydesdales are normally around 16.5 to 17 hands. Anyway, that's what Chester looks like to me
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Review by ded2daworld Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (1.0)
There is a reason there are caps and punctuation in literature. It makes it easier to understand what some one is saying. Weird that this giant female spoke the same language as Kyle (sorry I meant kyle) since he was from another world. No idea how he got there and he has no idea this giantess means she loves him like she would a pet. He loves her knowing her for maybe several minutes. What's wrong with meatloaf? If you don't know how you got to that world, how can you know for certain that you can't get back to your own?
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Review by ded2daworld Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Good observations. Good spelling. Good grammar. Good syntax.
I wonder what you're reaction would have been if: 1.) You read about scientology and accepted it before playing the game, or 2.)You knew nothing about scientology and learned about it after playing the game.
In either case, it's still dubious to call scientology a "real" religion. Happy writing!
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Review by ded2daworld Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (1.0)
Still waiting for the comedy. I am curious. What line or lines did you think were amusing? I have no idea. Everybody has a sense of what is funny and what is not. I sincerely enjoy most stand up comics and comedy TV shows so I just don't get it. Maybe you thought the pain was funny or that he was poor?? Spelling was OK, punctuation a bit off as was the grammar.
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Review of THE EMPTY HOUSE  Open in new Window.
Review by ded2daworld Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Good grammar, spelling and syntax.
It must be hard to write out what personally happened to you. I would have liked to hear more of your Mother, your Father, their relationship to each other. Your relationship to them. Your Dad is still alive in a nursing home. So is mine. Is he lucid? Does he talk? Does he remember his relatinships. Are you still married? Is your Dad's nursing home near you? Planning on selling the home? I don't if you wanted for this to be a dramatic, emotional tearjearker or not. It wasn't. It certainly could have been. What you told was mostly superficial. Pretty good first effor though. I'd like to see it dug deeper. Relate a funny or sad, or scary incident so we can get more of a "feel" of your family life.
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Review by ded2daworld Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
There is a lot I see here that could use some help so I'll go through the whole story. It may seem like nitpicking but stories must be clear and believable. Mark Twain said that writing fiction was harder than non-fiction because it has to be believable... or at least in the realm of possibilities.

None of the boys had parents or someone that loved them? The whole tribe "forgot" the boys had been sent fishing?
It's an Amazon indian tribe and the disciplinary action is to move away without telling offenders because, "That'll teach them"?

How did the boys catch the fish? Jumping into the water as they did normally scares fish away.

They catch many fish and a "little" one jumps out of the basket. The Amazon isn't like waters in the bahamas or a swimming pool. It would have been impossible to even see the fish much less follow it. Why follow a little fish and leave several big fish in the baskets that anyone could come along and take? Why all three boys follow a fish when one would do?

When they come to the waterfall they are still in their own territoy so why would they "stare at the wonders around them?
They found a hidden cave, not a secret hidden cave. A secret cave is when someone knows or possesses something and doesn't reveal it to others. An undiscovered cave is hidden, not secret. If the boys returned to their tribe agreeing not to tell anyone, then it would also be a secret cave.

If you were "filled with awe" looking at scintillating stones on the side of a cave, wouldn't you at least try to pry some loose?

So the cave has another end. Where else would the other end be but on the other side?

Coming out the other side, "it looked exactly like the side they lived on, but it was slightly different:" - then it wasn't exactly. The other side looked similar but differed in that "The trees were twisted this way and that, and the flow of the water slightly different."

The white pipe. Was it painted white? was it wood? Was it PVC? Was it for exhaust from stove or bathroom? Did it lead somewhere? Was it embedded deeply in the ground? Was it an empty pipe? Was it just stuck on the top going down just an inch or two. Shrugging your shoulders is not satisfying if the boys don't investigate it further. They were curious.
"boats were docked on the nearby rocks." One doesn't dock a boat on rocks unless you want the boat destroyed. You either beach it away from rocks or you have a dock where boats are docked. They can't be docked without a dock. In your story the boats would be "rocked"

"He had a big body build, and he wore a giant helmet with feathers sticking out of it." He had a big build or a big body or he had a big body that was muscular(built)

What did the lion skin clothes say when they "spoke of the man's control and power"? Why would lion skin clothes imply control and power rather than ignorance and lack of civilization?

"The man laughed. “You don’t know? You are in the famous Zwesome Tribe. I am the leader, Zwesome.”"
The famous tribe no one heard of? Is that Zwesome or Awesome? or A to Z?

"they had never seen such technological advances before. They saw....doors that opened on their own, switches that controlled light with a mere touch...There were also other very welcoming tribe members with what looked like small circles on their wrists that somehow told people time, and giant triangular objects on their feet that helped them walk. When the three boys asked, Zwesome just said with a twinkle in his eyes, “It’s magic. The gods have given us such things.”
So this indian tribe in the middle of the Amazon has electricity? They wear lion skins with their watches? I have no idea what the giant triangular objects on their feet were, nor how it could help people walk. People need help to walk?
When the three boys asked what? Zwesome told them it was magic. Did he believe that or was the twinkle in his eye to indicate it was easier to lie than try to explain electricity and technology?

"Just then, the boys realized what had happened." -and what was it that had happened? The boys didn't know their tribe had left them at that point.

There is now way a telescope looks through the dense growth of a jungle to see vry far at all. Being near water, the Amazon, they aren't high up at all and neither was the boys tribe. Highly unlikely the boys could have seen much of anything with the telescope that they couldn't see with their eyes.

"“No! This is false!" Really Frando? At an emotional peak you say "this is false" rather than it's a lie?

"you don’t look naughty at all!" So this tribal leader says naughty instead of bad or evil? Zwesome can tell just by looking at someone that the tribal leader lied about them being troublemakers? What was his motive? When did these leaders meet and talk about the boys?

"why not waste such a good chance?" Did you actually mean "why waste a good chance'? The "not" negates and implies they should waste the chance.

Swords? How have they been converting the Iron ore? Are they mixing it to get steel? Where are they baking the bricks?
This indian tribe in the Amazon has more than one construction site where they are putting up brick buildings?

"the boys got bored.
“This is getting boring.”
How about instead of using bored and boring within 5 words of each other, how about, "the boys soon grew weary of the routine" and then say "This is getting boring"

They decide to prank Zwesome and they do this by pranking someone else?
"“AHHHHHHHH!” A voice screamed, and a woman walked out of her house, soaked completely wet, with frogs jumping out from each of her shoulders. It was about half an hour later, and the boys were high-fiving each other."
How did the woman get wet from inside her house and how is it possible for frogs to actually jump out of a humans shoulders?
Did the boys wait a half hour to high five each other? (High fiving is VERY popular among Amazon indian tribes) or was the high fiving a half hour after they decided to prank Zwesome by soaking another person?

"shadow consuming his face" - a shadow cannot consume anything. It can cover things but that's about it.
"“Uh oh.....He found out. But how?” Frander whispered, and the other boys just frowned and shook their heads." -Did it occur to the boys that a woman screaming and the boys high fiving each other went unnoticed to others nearby?

"he pressed a button, and a gun spun out of the ceiling, straight into his hands." The gun SPUN - out of the CEILING?? It lands straight in his hands several feet below??
He presses the same button two more times and these guns spin out unto the floor - not near his hands?
The door was locked, the windows were shut tight. Tough to even breathe without AC. A fan would interfere with the guns that spin out of the ceiling.

"Zwesome then pointed a gun at Grando. Grando was sweating nervously, waiting for Zwesome to do something....
“Take it.” He said."

So one tribal leader "disciplines" the boys by moving away without telling them.
The other tribal leader disciplines the boys by either killing them or scaring the crap out of them?
Is this what the pranked woman demanded as retribution? Is this a modern tribe of cannibals that want them for dinner?
Is there no other way of punishment? Does the punishment fit the crime?

I hope you take this review as a help toward furthering your writing abilities. Read, and take notice of your favorite books and authors. The style and the way they are written. Imitate, don't copy them. Chances are, if you write in a similar way to them, other people will like your writings just as you like your favorite authors.









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Review of A Miami Playboy  Open in new Window.
Review by ded2daworld Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
"But the cool thing is with the women I date, nobody gets hurt, nobody feels used, cheated on, or exploited."

That has all the makings of a typiucal hollywood movie. Life is not like a movie.
Like most psychology majors the "hero" of the story is messed up psychologically.

Total fantasy to say that NOBODY gets hurt. NOBODY feels used. NOBODY feels cheated on, NOBODY feels exploited.
I guess nobody gets std's. I guess nobody gets pregnant. I guess none of them have a jealous boyfriend or partner. I guess none of them are just getting out of a relationship, or kinda in one, or have one developing.
Well, that's the way Hollywood portrays the young single life. People have money and don't have to work hard. They can play and party all the time. No one ever gets hurt. A hollywood dream movie. It should sell.
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Review by ded2daworld Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I have no problem with the spelling or punctuation. None with the sci-fi setting. None with the subject matter.
As a college graduate, I admit I have almost no clue as to what is going on in this story.
People couldn't think of the future in our time "back then?"
People commit suicide every day. In the future everyone wants to live forever?

“First Cryonics Day?” I asked, sympathetic. You knew it wasn’t real, but darn if it didn’t get you anyway.
What was happening wasn't real??
I am totally confused.
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Review of Ethics Bypass  Open in new Window.
Review by ded2daworld Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
There were a few places that needed a comma. Very intriguing story. I wondered if the new Chantelle will be arrested for the murder of Alex. With no corpus delecti, it's not likely there would be a conviction if she was. It was also a little hard to imagine a straight, male, wannabe engineer, actually enjoying the life of a female stripper.
Other than those two very minor problems, the story was well written and showed imagination. This maybe could be fleshed out for a movie, novel, or TV series. I can imagine even a sci-fi comedy based on the many man/woman differences with the computer/phone making weird comments. Happy writing!
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Review by ded2daworld Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
You have a sad story to tell. Few people are interested in your problems since they all have their own. You need a writing program with spellcheck and grammar check.
Keep going. It's important to put your words and feelings on paper. It helps in the healing process and none of us are completely healed of all emotional scars.
Keep writing. You do have some talent. Try a different subject matter to broaden your writing skills.
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