What a merry little piece that cheered my spirit at bedtime! Thank you. Well phrased and to the point. One small thing - the break between these two lines broke my concentration:
I enjoyed reading your story and was fairly impressed with your ability and the flow of the story. Please allow me to offer a few suggestions to sharpen it a bit.
1. You wrote 9 paragraphs before you inserted dialogue. Show your setting, characters, and some hint of location and time within the first two paragraphs. By paragraph four, you should be into dialogue. Dialogue peaks interest.
2. Go through your story with spellchecker and study the pop-up at the end. It will tell you the readability stats and percentage of passive voice, among other things. Be sure the passive voice is down to 3% or less.
3. Watch your punctuation. You need a comma after an introductory phrase that begins with a preposition. Example: By the time both men reached the master pillar it was already in its hole and the workers were on their way out. (Insert comma after "pillar.")
4. I like the irony. It's a very good tool. See if you can work more irony into it.
5. Don't end a sentence with a preposition (like I did in #4, lol). Study a list of prepositions and get a general idea of the most common ones.
6. Dialogue needs to be broken with scenery, imagery, or characterization every now and then. Whether you did it by accident or on purpose, you did well.
7. I notice a few run-on sentences. Separate them. Example: "I knew there was a reason I hired you, great job."
8. Be careful about changing tenses.
I like your descriptions, which you worked in cleverly, and I like the characterization. The story kept my interest and propelled itself at a good pace. Capping it off with irony was brilliant. Keep up the good work, and if I can be of help, please feel free to ask. You will find teaching material on my site. Keep writing! You have talent.
My very first thought after reading this was, "And yet another lonely soul comes to WDC, looking to express him/herself through writing." I'd say almost half of us came for the same reason, and this is an excellent place to write and rant, delve into your soul, and try to help others. Ultimately, the only way out of yourself is going into the hearts of others. Self is a very lonely place, but you are so right when you say we must love that self and be very conscious of it. You have unknowingly quoted the Bible where it says to love your neighbor as your love YOURSELF. To love yourself is to love the unlovely, to accept what cannot be changed. But we are a gift to one another... sharing hopes, dreams, and the love of writing.
The poem is nice and has a lilting flow and a consistent message. You used punctuation and capitalized first lines in a proper manner. The alternative would be to use no punctuation or capitals, but I like your method the best. The message is good, although some may call parts of the theology into question. Best of all, you end it with a big punch! I only see one big oops, and it is here: You is also a friend to many... You can avoid careless errors by running it through spell check first. I urge you to keep writing. It's very cleansing and revealing and you will grow by it.
The fact that you are considering the future and the loss of hometown friends shows you're making the most of the days that remain. Growing up is scary for everyone. Very few seniors know what they want to pursue in life, so if you have a clear goal, you're way ahead of the crowd. When you move away, stay in touch with your hometown friends. Send letters to key friends and ask them to share it with others. I'm sure they will miss you as much as you miss them.
Regarding the actual writing of the article, you did a nice job of it. You did, however, change voices from first-person "I" to the second person "you." That sentence should read, "They take care of me as if I were their own blood."
One of the traps in writing in the first person is starting sentences with the pronoun "I." You did above average with five out of eleven sentences starting with "I," and six others that have a variety of beginnings. Be very self-conscious of that.
I noticed a bit of verbiage (wordiness) and a few sentence structures could be better, but your punctuation was pretty good and your message was clear. All in all, well done. I enjoyed the read and wish you the very best.
Well, this gave me pause for thought. You did a good job writing your heart, and in sense - voicing a good question. No, it isn't confidence that makes us succeed although I don't deny it plays a part in business and success. We have actual evidence to answer this question.
Look up, honey. See the moon, sun, and stars? See the sand and trees? No two people have the same footprint, fingerprint, or iris print. No two snowflakes are exactly alike, and no two stars are the same. There is no way that can be a coincidence. Psalms 147:4 says, He telleth the number of the stars; He calleth them all by their names. Jeremiah 31:34, 35, Know the Lord: for they shall all know me, from the least of them unto the greatest of them, saith the Lord: for I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more.
Thus saith the Lord, which giveth the sun for a light by day, and the ordinances of the moon and of the stars for a light by night, which divideth the sea when the waves thereof roar; The Lord of hosts is his name:
This is the one who created you - who saw you in your mother's womb before birth and made plans for your life. I would be happy to talk more about this if you wish.
Welcome to Writing.com. I know you'll like it here and I hope you write more.
I'm wondering how old you are as your story is astounding. I am a writing tutor, so take this to heart... if you don't become a full-time writer, it is only for the lack of interest and work. You already have the talent. Now you need the knowledge of how to build on it.> Let me help you with this piece a little bit.
You grabbed my interest from the beginning and led quickly into the action. The fight was a bit lengthy and sometimes unclear, but the ending was good. If your character had experienced a dream with a demon named Todd, it would have been more effective.> You have two major things to work on. No writer can afford these problems: carelessness and poor punctuation. The carelessness is easy to fix. Pay more attention to small things and run your document through a spellchecker when you're finished, but a spellchecker will not find all your problems. Only count on it as a helper. As for punctuation, I suggest you take a Punctuation Review course or hire an editor for the finished product. Actually, you should do both.
You are very good with imagery, action, and descriptions. You have a fervent imagination and more talent than any one writer deserves. Most of us make it through hard work, as writing is usually a learned skill.
Put your skills to good use. Develop them and be worthy of your calling! If I can be of help, feel free to call on me. I will be very interested in watching your progress.
I assume you're a new writer, and I can see you are well on your way. Congratulations. Please accept these suggestions in the spirit in which I give them. I know it's hard to see your work criticized.
When you finish writing a piece, run the spellchecker on it. You will find lots of small errors, so I won't bother to bring those to your attention - but always use a spellchecker. It is the easiest and most dependable tool a writer has.
The story drew me in, and I'm thinking it must be based on fact. If not, you did a good job convincing me. If I might point out one thing, it would be that you didn't know where to stop the forward momentum. Not all stories need to go to the very end - even if it is a true story. If I were you, I would end the story here: Ellen helped him to his feet, hugged him tightly and said "yes, yes, yes".
Take your descriptions a little further. Tell us how he felt after the amputations. Tell us about ghost pain, depression, etc., and it will make the happy ending all the happier. Likewise, describe the main two characters a little more. I love the description of her eyes - like blue duck eggs. Fantastic! Are you studying writing? I have several articles to study on my site. Drop in sometime. You're off to a great start. Keep up the good work!
Since I am a writing tutor and editor, I can't read anything without picking it apart, but this is almost perfect. You endorsed several techniques in forming sentences, used imagery, and told a delightful, well connected tale. Congratulations. I love it. I do see a couple of small things that would bring it up to five stars. The number 3 should be spelled out, as in three-pound. You should also hyphenate seven-year-old. Well done! I look forward to reading more of your work.
Looks like you have a good beginning and I encourage you to keep on keeping on.
While repetition is a main theme in poetry, you have a little much in this short piece. I suggest you delete the last two "What is it[s]".
T'were it me, I would blend the sentences, with pause for thought. You could do this in a hundred ways, but here is a suggestion with a couple of edits:
What is that still, small sound in the night, the drowning thunder at day's end... the soft tapping all about me... the aching that claims my soul? What doth the muted echo say about the never-ending unknown?
But the poem feels unfinished - as though it lacks one more line for finality. Like: I must think about it... tomorrow.
Make each line punch its meaning. When you use few words in a short piece, choose those words very carefully. Use strong adjectives, inferences and inflections.
I am impressed with thy skills, and urge thee to continue thy ramblings.
Good job! Clean it up just a little and it will make a finer impression. A few suggestions:
1. Blend your sentences in the first paragraph for a smoother introduction.
2. A little wordy in places, such as: I thought to run but I noticed it to begun to rain beginning to grow stronger. (Which could be - I thought to run, but the rain grew stronger.)
3. Your eloquence is astounding. Sharpen it to a point and you will be an unstoppable writer.
4. I like the forward movement of two dreamers, one experienced, and one still learning. One trying to teach, and the other slow to learn. True to life.
5. Another way to drive your point home is with good punctuation. Commas make the reader pause. Don't capitalize the first word after an end quote, and you have small errors here and there. Examples: Are you [a] loiterer of ideas? - and - you still would be as well off as your are now.
You have a fine future waiting for you. Keep writing, and be persistent! Very best,
Wow, you really covered a lot of ground starting with home life, a mischievous boy, the docks, great conflict with the collision and a sharp denouement, but you left Pauly out of the conclusion, so you should fix that.
Use contractions in stories for a more real feel.
If I were you, I would blend the first paragraph into the second, like this:
The day dawned warm and bright in Halifax, Nova Scotia.
That saves 21 words that you can use elsewhere. You have a little verbiage and some smaller problems that can be easily fixed. Learn the rules of writing and it will all iron out. I like your imagination. Keep on writing!
P.S. We are having a short story contest right now. Check it out.
I found this interesting and had a little problem finding the uneven clicks in my head. Please allow me to share what I discovered.
I'll enumerate for brevity's sake.
First, let me say that it's very romantic. I can almost hear a fragile female spilling her heart and her beau responding. Well done.
Now for the problems:
1. Each line is written in a strict 3 syllable pattern. You'll find that 3-4 3-4 will work better, or 4-6, 4-6. I especially like the 5-7 tempo.
2. The heavy accent falls properly on the first word in the first six lines, but in lines 7 and 8, it falls on the 2nd accent, which gives
it an offbeat feeling.
3. The word "memory" would have to be "mem'ry" to fit the beat
4. " I’ll sit beside you, And make believe it’s me" doesn't make sense to me. If he is speaking and saying he
will sit beside you, "he" obviously has to be "me." It rhymes and it's pretty, but it presents a reality issue.
5. The poem feels rushed. It's quick. It's trippy, but lacks depth.
6. I would rename the second half of it - something like, "Yes, I will"
7. You might consider grouping two sentences as a time to prevent the "clipping" effect of the short sentences.
You clearly have a gift. Judging by your bio, you just found your way to your calling. Congratulations! You'll go far
and we're delighted to have you on WDC.
Your first sentence was a good hook so you're off to a great start.
A lot of things make this story special. You did emphasize your inexperience vs. hers but I'd play on that more.
You spent a long time working up to the high point and I'd suggest sacrificing some of that and replace it with exactly
what experiences you did have.
Stay away from thoughts. Don't express dialogue in italics. The quotes are sufficient, and remember that dialogue always
goes on a new line. Don't mix it in with the paragraph (although you will see that done in some literature, it isn't the favored
way).
You used the three stars properly, but separating the story has serious consequences. There are five levels of communication
with the reader. You have to establish place, time, people, situation and environment and when you break the story, you have
to re-establish all of that in the first two sentences that follow. It would be far easier to use one transition sentence to link
the paragraphs. Remember, you can skip years in one sentence so it's no big deal to make drastic changes in one paragraph.
The secret is using a good transition sentence, which is usually the last sentence in the paragraph.
Your story shows inconsistency with the f word. Use it or don't use it, but don't use an ellipsis one place and not another. Actually,
more people will read your story when things aren't quite as blatant. Also, you might lengthen the resolution a little bit as it's kind of
abrupt.
Your strongest sentence was, Sandy called that our social night, it was the night Tony had the kids and the night this kid had Sandy."
Excellent! Another good one is, " Up on one step, she’s speaking over Vince’s head directly at me." Very poignant.
You have a lot of talent and I hope you develop it. It would be a shame to live and die with that kind of talent and yet do nothing
with it. Keep writing!
Greetings, and welcome to Writing.com. This is a good place to sharpen your skills. Let me try to help you, and allow me to enumerate for brevity, and PLEASE accept this as constructive criticism, meant to assist you:
1. You need to learn the art of "Show, Don't Tell", which you did in a couple of places. For instance, you said he had "black rings under his eyes", and thus you showed that he was not well and/or was not sleeping as much as he should.
2. Writing your story in first person is very limiting. You can only tell what you know. For example, if you didn't see him go to the store, and he didn't tell you he went to the store, and no one else told you, you couldn't say he went to the store. You couldn't tell what he saw on the way to the store, how he acted or reacted to something, and etc. I suggest that you (almost) always write in third person (using he, she) in past tense. This is a liberating mode that will give you more opportunities to follow the main character everywhere he goes.
3. You have a lot of run-on sentences.
4. Vary the lengths of your sentences. After a long sentence, write at least one short one.
5. Good punctuation would go a long ways in helping this piece.
Now for the good news:
1. You show excellent imagination
2. You engage the reader using the senses (the tune on his guitar, hot cocoa, crooning, etc.)
This is excellent. It is called imagery.
3. The story follows a logical progression.
4. You have a good working knowledge of the English language and sentence structure, in general (although you do have some grammatical problems, you can learn to overcome them).
You would do well to learn short story writing before you try a novel. After all, a chapter in a book is like a short story. If you can learn that structure well, you will be ready to write a novel.
By all means, keep writing. Consider a writing class. It would do wonders for you. And one more thing, I suggest you work on one book at a time. You can focus much better and make more progress when your mind is in one place.
Deborah Owen
CEO & Founder, Creative Writing Institute
I dropped in to take a look at your writing. I was so pleasantly surprised. You're a natural born writer, my dear. The only thing I see lacking is Show, Don't Tell. For example, instead of saying, "Panic rushed through me. My eyes darted towards the trash can next to my bed," you could SHOW her panic, like this:
"Sweat popped out on my face like a menopausal woman having a hot flash. My cheeks burned; tears brimmed my eyes, and I couldn't control a glance that confirmed my fear. The trash can was empty."
Remember that "showing" always takes more words, but it's much more interesting.
I see no reason why you couldn't be published within two or three months any time you choose - in local newspapers. That's the take-off point for most writers.
I'm sending this to the public review page where it will receive more attention. Good job!
This is one of the best stories I've ever read. You are a great writer! Natural born.
Your scenes flow with perfect rhythm, your characters are well developed, you have a good balance of plot, and the ending is great! Your use of snappy verbs is the best selection I've seen in a short story. Your story is well-rounded, with a home plot that any man could identify with (and maybe some women, too) . Thank you for the superb read.
I have only two suggestions: Rewrite it in third person, past tense (as a recent Writer's Magazine says that is what sells best), and break your dialog with scenes, settings or emotions.
I'm sending this to the review forum for further exposure.
This is an awesome story!! A perfect example of SHOW, DON'T TELL. Send this in for publication to some kind of military magazine that also carries fiction.
The one thing I would comment on is where she put the letters. I saw a movie once with this kind of setting, and the lady carved a hole in the back of the desk and mailed the letters there. In this case, I would make the hole continue into the wall, and the letters would fall in that. Just a thought. > I'm sending it to the reviewing page for further exposure.
Man... I dearly love this piece. Surely, you speak from experience of heartache? Yea? I remember when I was a young girl (back when dinosaurs roamed the earth), and I felt this way. A very entertaining read with no criticism at all. Very unusual for me.
Holy Moley. I've never seen or read anything like that. I suppose it could mean a lot of things, but to me, Section: 1 God looks on what was once beautiful, but it is shapeless at that point, and only the shadows of angels would be there to see it, if there were light for the onlookers. Para. #2 God reveals His inner beauty through what He remakes in a dark, uninhabited earth. He pours Himself out. #3 He makes mankind, but at the same time, sees the horror of His own Son being sacrificed at a later point in time. It is a time of both joy and sorrow for the Almighty. And then #4: This is beautiful. He sees the coldness of man's (and Christ's)death, but at the same time, He sees victory. He describes Himself as 'torn in two', because the Son went to the earth and left Him alone. Lastly, we see through the eyes of Christ who looks back on time, and then to where He now stands... in heaven. The earth is His footstool now and He wears a crown. I don't understand the last line, though. It seems to me that it should be "one, as three", etc. Not as two. I don't follow your thinking. But then, I may have interpreted the whole thing wrong. A beautiful read!
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