Poetry Reviews by Itchywater

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"A Poem A Day Contest " 

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This is a review from Itchy Water on behalf of "Invalid Item"  This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.

Hi Leslie. I found you listed in the Showering Acts of Joy's Garden so I decided to read from your port. I have chosen your poem "Courage" to review.

I would like to first mention the title and brief description. The title and the brief description are the first things a potential reader is going to see. It must "grab" their attention, making them want to read the poem as well as resemble the poem. I have to say that the brief description does not "call" me in as a reader. Saying "This is a poem i came up with about courage" is not enticing. Perhaps something like "A poem about meeting Courage" or "Courage shows himself in this short poem" As for the title, I think it is a good representation of the poem. I wonder what you think of the title "I
Am Courage" Just a suggestion.

I really like the tone of this piece. It is strong. You used your words wisely. There are a few parts where the tone is weakened. "I come from both your mind and heart" the phrase "come from" sounds passive. I suggest using a stronger word than "come". Something like "I emerge out of" or "I radiate from".

I like how you personified courage. "I am courage" is a great statement.

"I am courage, standing up to someone of authority."I suggest omitting "someone of" and changing "standing" to "I stand" in order to fit with the "I" statements. My suggestion: "I am courage; I stand up to authority." In fact, you might even consider separating this into two verses. It would look better because the poem would begin with the the same verse as the ending verse.

"Making your thoughts and ideas burst out with confidence." I suggest changing "Making" to "I make" in order to fit with the "I" statements.

"I am as old as life an as young as an infant learning to walk." There is a typo in this verse. "life an" should be "life and".

"I like to make you think and use your opinions, letting your adrenaline go." This verse sounds awkward to me. I don't understand why Courage would "like to make you think..." Suggestion: "I like charging you up, inspiring you, and watching your adrenaline explode."


"I am an exciting and loud feeling, a voice in your mind pushing you." I would suggest using a different word than "loud" because "loud" is not a feeling. Perhaps: intense, heavy, piercing... Also, I would suggest changing "a voice" to "the voice".


"I AM COURAGE...." I'm not sure why you have the ellipsis at the end here. I would discourage that. I think it only needs a period or maybe an exclamation point.

Now, I have just dissected your poem. I hope you find at least some of the suggestions useful. I think this poem has a lot of potential. It is a very powerful piece.I'm glad that I got to read it. Thanks for sharing it.

I truly enjoyed reading your poem. I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement. May you decide what is best for your work.

This is a Rising Stars M2M review from Itchy Water. This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.


WHY I CHOSE THIS PIECE:

A former user myself, I found this category enticing. Though I've been clean for years now, I still wonder "Will I ever grow up?" I think a lot of people wonder that. That phrase drew me in.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

I was impressed by the realness of the poem. There is a lot of emotion in each verse.

MY FAVORITE PARTS:

The second stanza is my favorite. It is so true how people give up just because they know they will inevitably lose it to their weakness. It is as if you do not have a choice. You are going to continue smoking whether you want to or not. The power of that drug is so consuming.


SUGGESTIONS:

TITLE:

I like the title. However, I don't understand why you put the excerpt on the bottom of the poem. This defeats the poems title. However, I am glad to hear of your sobriety.

STRUCTURE:

The structure is freestyle with abcb rhyme. The rhyme is implemented very well.

CLARITY:

The poem is clear. It is a sad story of a sad person. The tugging and pulling of the drug is so real.

IMAGERY:

Minimal imagery is used but it fits the size of the poem. It is possible that the poem would benefit by adding imagery and length.

GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SPELLING:

I've lost everything more times than one
I believe "one" should be "once" and the word "times" is unnecessary.
I've lost everything more than once

I lost a husband, I lost my dog
These are two complete sentences. I suggest separating them with a semicolon and using a period after "dog".


FLOW/RHYTHM/RHYME:

It is a bit choppy in places but it doesn't hinder the overall flow of the poem.

The rhyme really brings this poem up a notch. It wouldn't be near as good if it weren't for the rhyme. Good Job!


OVERALL:

Overall, this is a good poem. It could be better if you added more to it. Personally, I think it is on the short side (And I like short poems). I say that because it feels like there is more to be said, more to see, more to feel. Nevertheless, you have done a great job expelling your emotions. Thanks for sharing your story.


I truly enjoyed reading your poem. I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement. May you decide what is best for your work.

This is a Rising Stars M2M review from Itchy Water. This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.


WHY I CHOSE THIS PIECE:

I read a review for your poem from the Public Review and thought this would be an interesting read. I was right. I am very glad I found this gem.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

My first impression is somewhat of awe. I am blown away with the creativity of this piece.

MY FAVORITE PARTS:

I love it all, but I would have to say my favorite part of the poem is the creativity you used in showing the reader how the placement of wording affects the meaning. You did this in a brilliant "showing not telling" way.

SUGGESTIONS:

TITLE:

The title is the first thing a potential reader is going to see. It must "grab" their attention, making them want to read the poem. I like your title but a period should not be used in a title. I suggest omitting the period. I also suggest capitalizing the main words from "How to read a poem." to "How to Read a Poem"

STRUCTURE:

I have never seen a poem implement structure like you did. You told a story with in a story by using structure. Very well done!

CLARITY/TONE:

I feel that the tone is somewhat playful, yet informative. There is a catchiness to it.

GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SPELLING:

I really liked the fact that you used punctuation in the poem. It is practically flawless. However, there are several instances where you ask a question and the sentence is closed with a period instead of a question mark.

FLOW/RHYTHM/RHYME:

The pace was very good. You have a good beginning, middle and ending. Great Job!

OVERALL:

In poetry, what you say is important. How you say it is equally important. This poem reminds every poet out there that. After reading this, I am persuaded to go back into my port and check my poems to see if I can't better communicate my messages.

I truly enjoyed reading your poem. I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement. May you decide what is best for your work.

"A Poem A Day Contest " 

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As I was looking through your portfolio, this title, "Feelings", caught my attention. I've read the poem several times over to get a good understanding of the mood, tone and overall meaning. I've come to the opinion (only my opinion) that the title "Feelings" doesn't fit the poem. Though the poem touches upon certain feelings, it really doesn't address the wide spectrum of feelings I was expecting. It only touches upon one feeling, hurt feelings caused by friendship. The poem is mostly about betrayal in friendships. I would consider changing or modifying the title, maybe "Hurt Feelings".

The first stanza is somewhat confusing to me and it contradicts the second stanza. The 3rd line in the first stanza says "My feelings won't change due to what is said." Then in the second stanza you start off saying "I hurt just like others do," You are painting two different pictures. The first picture is of a stone cold person who can withstand the backstabbing of a friend and their feelings don't change. The second picture is of a person who hurts at betrayal and would rather dismiss the friendship and be alone.

I suggest adding the word "I" to "would rather be alone." I'm not sure if this is a typo or not, but I believe it should read "but if dishonesty and betrayal come, I would rather be alone."

I suggest adding the word "ever" to the phrase "and if I'm wrong" so it would be "and if I'm ever wrong,". The way it is written now makes it sound like you might be wrong about having an open heart to genuine friends.

I think the rhyme in the poem adds another dimension to it. The rhymes are not perfect rhymes but they work. However, there are two words that do not rhyme at all and they are "anyone" and "gone".

I think the verse "You may wonder why I'm writing this piece" significantly takes away from your poem. I would strongly consider rewriting something else for this verse. There are so many words that rhyme with disease that are applicable to friendship and trust, words like: please, displease, appease, worries, trusties, stories, softies, tease, rubies, sissies, pansies, follies, dummies, duties, floozies, cooties, agrees, boundaries....and so many more.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this poem, but my opinion is, it needs a little editing. "lack of trust is a disease" is quite a statement to end the poem on. I don't think the poem proved that statement. I think the flow is good but the the tone is off by the contradicting statements. Perhaps I am just reading it in the wrong frame of mind. But I come to you simply as a reader, someone with opinions and so I have spilled out all my thoughts and hope that some of my comments have been helpful.

I truly enjoyed reading your poem. I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement. May you decide what is best for your work.

The title and the description caught my attention. "Looking at the world in wonderment" is a great way to describe this poem. It is also a very catchy description.

The poem starts off with a brilliant simile using great imagery. But the third and fourth lines of the first stanza don't seem to fit. I suggest changing the word "Disbelief" to "Numbness" because a numb person would struggle to find their true self. Also because people don't disbelieve that tragedy is occurring, people just become numb to it.

I love how you include "our children" in the poem. You not only look to today or the past, but you look to the future and wonder what and how our happenings will effect our children.

"I wonder who’ll listen to the truth or who even cares" This is my favorite verse in the poem. Today, the news is not about the news. It is about ratings. The news has become a source of entertainment. If you want real news you have to go to the Associated Press Website, or even the United Nations Website. If you want local news, you have to read the local newspaper (which is filled with entertainment jargon).

I can relate to the never ending wonderment. I think that is why we are writers. But to wonder about truely being free and about all the possibilities, well, that takes an amazing mind to contemplate those things.

A very wise man once said, "To whom much is given, much is required." So, the more you wonder, the more you will feel. I understand your feelings of helplessness and anger. "I know not what to do, I just don't know" this is a beautiful verse. This tells me that you would do anything if only you knew what it was.

You wonder why you wonder and it keeps you up at night. You want so bad for things to be the same, however, the truth is, nothing remains the same. So you keep on wondering.

Overall, you have a powerful poem. A poem that I can relate to. I understand your frustration. It's like the world is spiraling downward and you see it happening right before your eyes. But there is nothing you can do to stop it and the people in power who have the power are not doing anything to stop it.

"A Poem A Day Contest " 

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"A Poem A Day Contest " 

Image #1813409 over display limit. -?-

This is the third of three reviews from Itchy Water. This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.

WHY I CHOSE THIS PIECE:

This poem was selected by the author for review. As the last review, I will be doing a line by line edit. Please only accept the suggestions you agree with, ignore the rest.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

I definitely feel a mystic tone in this poem

MY FAVORITE PARTS:

"When midnight returns
we will dance once again"
This is a great verse to end on. It leaves the reader questioning, what will happen next.

SUGGESTIONS:

TITLE:

I think the title, "Dancing at Midnight" is just ok for this poem. The title is the first thing a potential reader sees. Many readers pass up good works because the title didn't "grab" them. Thus, I think this poem could use a more creative title. Some suggestions "The Witching Hour", "My Sacred Dance With Isis"

STRUCTURE:

The poem's form ranges from couplets, triplets, quatrains, all non rhyming. I found it to be very distracting.

CLARITY:

I had to look up the word Isis when reading your poem. It might be a good idea to put a footnote on the poem about who Isis is. Though Isis is a popular goddess and is recognizable among many people, a lot of people don't recognize the name.

It is not clear as to why you are dancing with Isis. She is the goddess of motherhood, magic and fertility among other things. You mention "Divine Mother" But, what is the role of Isis in your poem? Why would a "Divine Mother" break the chains that bind the heart and soul? What was bound? Infertility? Bad parenting? What is the narrator "free" from? Also, if "when midnight returns/ we will dance once again" does this mean that the chains and freedom are only temporal?

IMAGERY:

"...I stand/beneath the silvery moon"
"I begin to move in circles"
This is about as much imagery the poem offers. I think the poem would benefit from more imagery. How did the night feel? Was there wind? Were there any trees? Were you in a field? Were their any clouds? Were you alone? Were there any sounds? Were there any odors? Were you wearing any special attire for the ritual? Was there any special items around for the ritual (i.e. candles)?

PUNCTUATION, SPELLING, GRAMMAR:

There is no punctuation in the poem. I think the poem is ok without the punctuation.

I did not detect any spelling errors.

FLOW/TONE/DICTION:

"The witching hour approaches
and I'm overcome by excitement"
The phrase "overcome by excitement" does not fit the tone of the poem. I suggest changing it to something that goes with the tone of poem - mystical, spiritual, etc.
The witching hour approches
and I'm possessed with passion
OR
The witching hour approches
and I'm enthralled with wonder

"It is almost time
for my sacred dance
with Isis"
These verses are awkward and provide a break in the flow. I suggest making two couplets out of these three lines.
The time is near
for my sacred dance

Isis will come to me
hand in hand we will dance

"Midnight arrives and I stand
beneath the silvery moon"
This is just a suggestion: change "silvery" to 'silver'. It is in my opinion that the verse sounds more fluid with the word 'silver'
Midnight arrives and I stand
beneath the silver moon
OR
Midnight arrives and I stand
beneath the quiet silver moon

"Sending an invitation to Her
I begin to move in circles"
I suggest omitting "begin to". These words are not necessary for the poem.
Sending an invitation to Her
I move in circles
OR
Sending an invitation to Her
Swaying in circles, I chant

"Taking me by the hand
my Divine Mother and I
dance to the rhythm"
I suggest keeping the structure of the poem in couplets for the sake of rhythm and flow.
She takes me by the hand
under the moonlight she leads me

My Divine Mother and I
Dance to a special rhythm

"The rhythm of our hearts
becoming as one"
Just a suggestion: change "becoming" to 'now become'
The rhythm of our hearts
now become as one

"As we dance together
the chains that bind
my heart and soul
are broken"
Again, I suggest keeping the structure of the poem as couplets throughout the poem. This is easy with these lines. Just switch them around and add a few words.
"The chains that bind
My heart and soul

Now are loosed and broken
As we dance together, gracefully

I am free
and I am whole
I suggest you omit the word "and"
I am free
I am whole

"My heart thanks Isis
as this sacred dance
comes to an end"
Again, I suggest keeping the structure of the poem to be couplets.
My heart mesmerized
and to Isis I thank

But this sacred dance
Must come to an end

"When midnight returns
we will dance once again"
I think this is fine the way it is. However, you might consider adding the word "But" before "When" for it to flow even better.

OVERALL:

This poem tells of a magical experience through a ritual held under the moon. Due to the lack of consistency in the poem's structure, the poem lacks rhythm and flow and the structure is even distracting to the reader. Once the structure is fixed and imagery is added, this will be a magical piece.


I truly enjoyed reading your poem. I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement. May you decide what is best for your work.

This is the second of three reviews from Itchy Water. This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.


FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

I thought this was a good poem but had a lot of room for improvement.

MY FAVORITE PARTS:

"I look up at the sky
and ask why"
This shows emotion and frustration of the narrator. We've all been there. Why? We all want to know the answer. I think it is a great verse for this poem.

SUGGESTIONS:

TITLE:

I think the title "To Thee I Pray" is only slightly representative of the poem because the poem talks about how you feel as you pray as well as verses of prayer. I think something like "Shedding My Burdens" or "Giving It All To Be Free" would be better suited for the poem. That is just my opinion.

STRUCTURE:

This poem consist of seven couplets, each with rhymes.

CLARITY:

"Burdens of my heart I bear
I wish not to share"
The second line is confusing. Do you mean you wish not to share to other people? Or do you mean you wish not to share to God? Either way, it is still confusing. I would consider changing the "I wish" part. I also suggest changing "of" to "in". See my suggestion:
Burdens in my heart I bear;
They are so hard to share.

"I break down in tears
as I try to hide my fears"
The second line is confusing for the same reason as the previous one mentioned. Are you hiding your fears from other people? Or are you hiding your fears from God? I suggest changing the "try to hide" part. See my suggestion:
I break down in tears
as I expose my darkest fears.

"I cannot hold my pain in
and feel trapped in a lion's den"
These two lines don't seem to go together. Mainly it is just the way it is worded. See my suggestions:
Trapped in a lion's den,
I'm persecuted by all men.
OR
Trapped in a lion's den,
I'm mocked by all the townsmen.
OR
Oh, God, cleanse me from this sin;
I'm trapped in a lion's den.

IMAGERY:

The poem has just the right amount of imagery for a poem of this nature. "kneel to pray", "I look up at the sky" etc.

PUNCTUATION, DICTION, SPELLING:

I noticed this poem didn't implement any punctuation. While it is always better to be consistent, either no punctuation or all punctuation, I feel this poem would benefit greatly if you used punctuation.

"At the end of the day
I must kneel to pray"
I suggest omitting the word "must" because it sounds like praying is an obligation rather than a need or want.
At the end of the day,
I kneel to pray.
OR
At the end of the day,
I feel a need to pray.

No spelling errors detected.

FLOW/RHYTHM/RHYME:

The flow could use some work. The couplets seem like they are out of order. I think if you rearrange the couplets you will have a stronger poem.
At the end of the day
I kneel to pray

I look up at the sky
and ask God why

I break down in tears
as I expose my darkest fears

Burdens of my heart
They are so har to share

Trapped in a lion's den
I'm persecuted by all men

God please help me
and set me free

I continue to pray
day after day


The rhyming is great.


OVERALL:

Overall, I think it is a decent poem but could benefit from a bit of adjustment. The poem is about a person needing to pray because they are in some sort of distress but the distress is not clarified. The poem is very vague.


I really enjoyed reading your poem. I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement. May you decide what is best for your work.

This is a review from Itchy Water to complete the requirement of the entry fee in your Five Star Poetry Contest. This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.


WHY I CHOSE THIS PIECE:

I was intrigued by the title "Medical Care in India And the USA" from your port because I have spent my entire life dealing with America's health care system, having multiple illnesses. Also I have worked in the health system as well as my mother.

OVERALL:

Though this is an email response to a few questions. I feel that it is an article since it is posted on WDC and should be edited for a better reading experience.

Overall, I do not think you provide sufficient grounds for comparison of the Medical care in India and that in the USA. You make good points, and you show many opinions. I think more facts on India's health system and America's health system would make for a better argument.

MY FAVORITE PARTS:

"...more so in the case of the Republicans, which almost allows poverty to be viewed as a sin and richness as a virtue."
Though this is an opinion written as fact, I loved it. It was hilarious.

"The public in the USA are in the vice-like grip of four giants: Medical industry; Pharma Industry; Diagnostics industry; and, Insurance industry."
Again, another opinion stated as fact, but I can see so much truth in it. They are giants.

SUGGESTIONS:

"When I was in the USA last time, I visited the office of a friend of mine having his specialist practice for 35 years. I also visited the practice of a physiotherapist."
This sentence is very wordy and needs tightened up.
When I was in the USA, I visited the office of a friend, who had a specialty practice for 35 years, and visited the practice of a physiotherapist.

In addition, I listened to first- hand accounts of medical practice details from those providing medical services (doctors themselves having 30-40 years practice in the USA).
The word "first-hand" should be "firsthand". I believe the sentence should be reworded.
In America, I listened to experienced medical practitioners, having 30-40 years experience in the USA, as they provided firsthand accounts of medical practice details.

"I also had occasion to listen to the experiences of people who had been recipients of medical services."
There is too much repetition of "also" "in addition". These can be omitted. This sentences is wordy.
I listened to the recipients of medical services and heard their experiences.

I also had occasion to see a bit of TV programs and advertisements related to hospitals.
Wordy and repetitious
I watched TV programs and advertisements related to America's health system.

During an earlier visit to the USA, I had been treated in a hospital there myself.
We don't really need to know that it was during an "earlier visit".
I have even experienced their health system myself when I was treated in a hospital.

Medical care in the USA is far costlier.
More costlier than what?
Medical care in the USA is far costlier than in India.

It is quicker. Hospitals are much less crowded.
It is quicker than what? Less crowded than what?
The hospitals in the USA are more efficient than in India. They are also less crowded than in India.

"If the treatment is being provided in places like AIIMS, (where many patients are poor and the majority get free treatment), the quality is excellent."
You do not need parentheses. Also, this sentence is stated as a question. This sentence needs to be rearranged.
Many poor and even the majority of the population receive free treatment in places like AIIMS where the quality of treatment is excellent.

"In the USA, free treatment is a dream"
This is an incorrect statement. While you reference an article about the devastating results of health care costs in USA, it does not state that there is no free treatment available. In fact, there is free treatment available. You have to be poor to receive it. The health care costs cause financial strain on the middle class who are not eligible for the free health care and yet don't have the extra money to spend on unforeseen illnesses and the health care cost that come with treating the illnesses.

"The public in the USA are in the vice-like grip of four giants: Medical industry; Pharma Industry; Diagnostics industry; and, Insurance industry."
Sentence is wordy.
America's public are in the vice-like....

All the four giants are allowed to feed themselves by the Capitalist-Consumerist politico-economical system that governs thought and practice in the USA, more so in the case of the Republicans, which almost allows poverty to be viewed as a sin and richness as a virtue.
The sentence is wordy; also needs reworded.
These four giants are allowed to feed themselves from the Capitalistic politico-economical system that governs thought and practice in the USA, especially in the Republicans, who silently allow poverty to be viewed as a sin and wealth as a virtue.

The outcome of such a scenario is that the four giants feed on the blood of the victim and offer a part of the blood sucked, as an offering, to the one who so allows.
This sentence is wordy and could use some clarity.
Thus, the four giants feed on the blood of their victims. Then, they offer a part of the blood sucked, as an offering, to the one who allows their existence, the government.

The mind-set of the American medical profession is reflected in the fact that the majority of doctors in the USA are supporters of the Republican party, which is vehemently opposed to the health care reforms recently passed in the USA.
The word "mind-set" should be "mindset". This sentence is wordy. How do you know that the majority of doctors are republican?
The mindset of the American medical profession is reflected by the majority of American doctors who are supporters of the Republican party. A party which is vehemently opposed to health care reforms recently passed in the USA.

SUMMARY--Hospitals in both India and the USA have good and bad points. Which system is better may be arguable. However, it would appear that cost-effectiveness is higher in AIIMS / Indian corporate hospitals compared to the US hospitals.
I don't feel that this is an acurate summary of this piece. There is nothing noted about the cost effectiveness of India's health system. There are no hard facts about the good points or bad points of either system. I feel that there are some facts mentioned but laced with a lot of opinions. While I can't stand the administration of the health care system in America, I feel there was much more you could have written to prove your point.

I truly enjoyed reading your piece. I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement. May you decide what is best for your work.

Hi An apple a day.... This is a review from Itchy Water on behalf of "Invalid Item"  This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.