Hi General,
Review of The North and the South.
As you go through the reviews, please let me know if you would like me to focus on specific items or concepts and I'll be happy to. If there's anything unclear or you need clarification on; email me - That's what I'm here for. Anything I quote from your story will show up in blue, so you will know where I'm referencing. I hope you find something in here useful. It's all just my opinion - It's up to you to decide what to keep and what to toss.
 General Comments & Overall Impression:
I'm a Civil War junkie, so I really enjoyed your story about a slice of history. There are some great pieces in here that show the times and the tense action of battles of the time.
The Civil War obviously brings out lots of heated discussion and still has sides that run deep. Some things that would help in making the CSA more believable, to me, would only need some slight changes. Comments on states rights were nearly dead on - great job. The Bill of Rights and Consistution gave them the legal right to leave the Union. The thoughts or views on slavery from the south were off. Most Southeners never owned slaves and even the ones that did, didn't fight for their right to own them. Even Lincoln didn't cite slavery as a reason for war. He was adamant about preserving the union at all costs.
Not even the best General in the world could face a army outnumbering his.
Wrapping my head around this. Are the forces facing Kenneth too much? Lee fought nearly all his battles outnumbered and didn't lose until Gettysburg.
'' Which is why, I am rewarding you the Medal of Honor for your personal conduct, and the strength you have to face such fearsome men. '' He nodded, finishing his sentence and then nodding to the Colonel behind him.
'' Colonel, make this man promoted to Brigadier General, will you? ''
Honestly have to say I didn't buy any of this. I don't see him even getting a medal for fighting with "the Butcher". No way he's being promoted from private to General - or even an officer. I could see him promoted a few ranks for braverynif there was a lack of commanding officers at the time.
'' But I'll tell you rebs one thing, betraying your country is one of the worst things any one can do. We fought against the English during our independence, but to see brothers against brothers....
Awesome job capturing this sentiment. As vicously as they fought each other, there was family on both sides. Great job of capturing how the North saw them as betraying the Union.
Flow / Language:
The torn and weary War-flags of the Confederates could be clearly seen, with the white stars and blue bars and the fine color of red as the background.
Nothing wrong at all with; just an idea for another way of writing it. "Stars n Bars" are well known as being the CSA flag, from Johnny Reb's view.
He owned more plantations than anywhere else.
Clarification - anyone else or does he own plantations elsewhere?
At the Great Battles of Gettysburg, First Bull Run and Fredericksburg, he had killed more Yankee men than the enemy could.
A few things on this would make it flow smoother for me - but that's just me. How does this read to you?
At the great battles of First Manassas (what a southener would call it), Fredericksburg, and Gettysburg, he had killed more Yankees than the enemy could kill of his own.
Setting / Imagery:
The Battalion marched. The sounds of marching and beating drums could be heard as they stomped the ground alive, shaking the tiny pieces of grass and soil up into the air.
This is a great image. I can feel, see and hear the marching troops cadence.
Old friends met each other for the first time in four years since the war started, others traded coffee and meat, and northerners had talks with the southerners,
Great line. This was a very real occurance after a battle or during a lull in one. Nice job.
The solider bowed and left.
The soldier should be saluting.
it was a wreckage of chaos.
Schweet! Nice way to describe to fog of war.
And the battalions fired, producing ten a minute, his men fell down the minute.
Having trouble picturing this. I see them shouting muskets in volleys, but even the best only get off 3 shots a minute.
Spelling, Grammar, etc:
battalions.vWounded after the defeat
extra letter and capitalization. battalions, wounded...
last city in north Carolina
Capitalization - North
battalions and driven of Yankee attacks.
Simple typo - off
The new year was 1865; most of the Confederacy's strength and Generals had gone in vain. All had died in the attempts to keep the Confederacy and slavery alive. Now, Lee and his war cabinet struggled to maintain the once powerful Confederacy which had existed four years before.
Repetition - This whole piece is in there twice.
Army of the south.
Capitalization - South
hurried to get their battle stations.
missing word - ...get to their...
Others solider rehearsed
Two typos - Other soldiers
uniformed soldiers fell done.
Simple typo - ...fell down.
already written them of the lines over there.
Simple typo - ...them off the...
I tend to pick at things since those are usually the best reviews I get back. Feel free to email with questions. I'm also always happy to go back and look at any changes you want me too.
WMarsch
deadstroke@writing.com
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| (4.5)
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