I have to admit, when you prefaced this as an article I was pleasantly surprised that it read like a short story.

The depictions of the officers really breathe life into this piece, but there was some lack of detail to the main characters, or rather you and your wife? I'm curious if he/you stood out like a tourist, or if efforts had been made to blend in a bit. Did you have large packs that labeled you as tourists, or clothing that stood out to the locals. Just in general, I'm sure there was some contrast to the surroundings.
You also seem relatively calm after the incident. I would think being robbed in a foreign country would be rather unsettling regardless of how polite the officials helping were.

I think you could still benefit from more description of the police station itself. It seems rather mysterious with the maze of stairs and tunnels to reach it, but was it surprisingly average when they reached the actual precinct. How did it compare to a US police station?

I'll throw this out there, but I realize it may be somewhat biased since I have lived in the southwest my entire life and picked up on a lot of Spanish. I'm not so sure you need the translations. Many of the phrases are either relatively common, or can be inferred from the surrounding text. Maybe experiment and see if readers make their way through without stumbling.

The discussions about the presidents are amusing. Its strange to be reminded that the rest of the world has opinions about our politics as well and seem to be watching!

Sorry if I had made assumptions about this being non-fiction. But it's refreshing to know that there are officials out of the country that are trustworthy when a problem occurs and the world hasn't completely turned its back on Americans!

This had me laughing a couple times. It's funny how children can take things so literally.

Verne: poor little Verne! So many names and languages! I'd be overwhelmed as an adult! I like the mention of the Sega, a typical seven year old's priorities, but you may want to think of a few other examples that make this world so different for him. How does he feel about sharing his space with so many people versus what he is used to at home. What is there for entertainment and what is he surprised to enjoy. I realize this isn't the focus of this particular piece, but it could add some interesting layers to the story.
Ama Cebu just cracks me up! She just tells it like it is!

Verne is quite concerned about the "or else", so it might be fun to know what Verne might be thinking that could entail. I realize this is actually non-fiction, so there may not have been any thoughts on the subject, but it could be fun to play with a child's imagination.
I'd like to know a little more about the setting. This is a place most people will not be familiar with, so paint it more for us. Is it lush and green? What kind of plants are there? What sort of furniture or decorations are in the house? Small details to really bring the story alive.

Other than names, is there anyway to distinguish the relatives his is familiar with...the aunts uncles and cousins that is. Any special memories with them. Aunt Josie certainly left her impression, so what does he remember of the others.

Two months more of this cannot be good for my sanity. I would be careful with the choice of word sanity. This is written from the perspective of a child, so it seems a little too mature of a word. Maybe "I could go crazy in two months."

“Very bad, your dad is a bad father, did not teach you to speak Chinese. Your mother is okay, she really does not know Chinese. But your dad is bad. Seriously, this line had me cracking up! Especially, your mother is okay!

Thanks again for sharing this with me. This was fun and informative. I had no idea so many languages could be crammed into such a small space!

This story really tore at my heart. I felt Barb's desperation and anxiety. You captured that stigma around her situation in such a time.

Poor Barb. As frantic as her thoughts are, you really gave her life with the constant fear of being discovered and constantly thinking of ways to prolong her secret. And you mixed in the all too powerful emotion of teen love.

The premise is very clear and concise. My favorite part is the dialog and how well you use it to move the plot along.

"What other kind of Current Events is there?" No need to capitalize current events, and is should be are.

Since the culture of the times is so important, I think you may want to take a look at the scene with her mom again. The entire conversation seems too forward for the times. I think she would be much more uncomfortable with the topic and would probably use some sort of suggestive code words for "period". I don't have any clever answers for you at the moment, but I'm sure you could think of something.

She gazed out the window at the fat, full moon. I don't know what it is about this line, but I just love the description of the moon. Something about it mirrors the pregnancy, the glowing of a full moon.

This is a nice piece. The ending is heartbreaking and to be honest, unexpected. Great work!

That first moment of finding a special someone is always enjoyable. If I can be bold enough to make a few suggestions to turn up the spark factor!

I get Marianne is the awkward, shy country girl, but I don't really see a reason for her insecurity. From your descriptions, she's attractive so I would think there would need to be something else that makes her feel so out of place. Is she just an introvert? Maybe a suggestion of a very large collection of books in her place to hint at how she typically spends her weekends.

Like I said, I love stories about that first moment, especially when it's unexpected. You may want to try to utilize the occasion a bit more to produce a bit more romance. Something about New Years Eve has a bit of magic to it, but this feels a bit like any other party.

The tense changes between the first three paragraphs really made it difficult to read at first. You start in the past tens, but the second is somewhat forced into present tense making for an awkward read. straining back muscles protesting her lugging the overstuffed bag up the stairs to her second-floor apartment, Maybe try: her strained back muscles protested as she lugged the overstuffed bag... Also, putting this in the midst of a thought is a bit long and the thought gets a bit lost. You may want to consider cutting out the "funny"

The bit about the dress struck me as somewhat unusual. If she was just out in the country with her parents, where did she shop to find a great trendy dress with a bold color like that? Maybe she went into the city with Mom one day to shop? I don't think it would hurt if you chose to eliminate that part all together. It is a nice way to point out her eyes, but maybe you could work that in when Sue meets her at the door.

I always feel like an island of misery in an ocean of happiness. This thought seems a bit melodramatic. If she were saying it in a joking tone on the phone, it would work, but as a serious thought I have a hard time buying it.

OK, I'll admit I don't make it to too many parties, but the mention of punch was strange to me. It reminded me of a high school prom. Not that Marianne has to be an alcoholic or anything, but maybe she could search for an alternative among the multiple bottles of champagne to set the atmosphere.

“Why don’t we sit down over there and get acquainted?” Something about this feels unnatural, or it makes Jim seem really uptight. Not that Marianne is the type to buy an opening line, but such a forward invitation could also be unsettling for such a person. Some humor could lighten it up and make Jim more realistic. "You look as happy as I feel. Want to come sulk in the corner with me and discuss how miserable we are?" Something sarcastic, or even charming.

The thought had barely registered in her mind when her senses were overwhelmed by his spicy masculine scent, the soft woolen texture of his jacket beneath her fingers and the recessed mini-lights that swirled like stars in a night sky above her. She felt as warm and cozy as if she were basking in the glow of an open flame on a cold snowy night. The tone of this is incredible romantic. Try working a bit more of this feel into Marianne's descriptions of her feelings as she is speaking to Jim.

I know I've thrown a lot out there. Please know they are just suggestions from an outside perspective. I really enjoy the thought of two quiet souls finding one another at an unlikely party. Take what you like and toss the rest!

This story is such a humbling reminder that rock bottom can happen to anyone, but with a beautiful message that you can always change your stars.

There are such great details right in the beginning to paint Janet's picture: the button less coat, the socks on her hands and frozen ears. Some gritty details may have added even more, her cracked lips, matted hair...something to add to the upleasantness of her current circumstances. I am a bit confused about how she actually let herself get to this point. She was such a sharp composed woman, did she just give up because she was so broken hearted?

I still haven't quite figured out what it is you did, but somehow I didn't trust Mark right from the first time he appeared. Of course the present regrets of Janice that popped in did solidify my suspicions!

I really enjoyed how you progressed the story from past to present. It was very smooth transitions and I also like the inclusion of her thoughts done in italics so I didn't have to keep reading "janet thought"!

...pleased to note that the other Group Managers were already gathered there.
Mark asked each of them in turn about their Group’s individual responsibilities
Janet, whose group had the responsibility for managing the Company’s off-site terminal facilities,
I'm not too sure about some of the capitalization. They aren't technically proper nouns, well group managers might be stretching as a title, but as far as I can tell there is no need for trying to make them proper.

I know I touched on this already, but the ending seemed abrupt. You had such a nice progression of their relationship, flashing back to the present at the right moments you could bypass some time. I'm not oppossed to the sudden change of events, but it just left me wanting some more, but not in a good way. Maybe just a bit more of how things went down could fill in the blanks of exactly how things got so bad for Janet. I can't imagine she would have ended up penniless. She just seemed too smart for that, so I feel like I'm missing a major piece of the puzzle.

There was something very real about the movement to the relationship. You paced it well and followed their character attributes of even using their heads rather than their hearts when it came to decisions about their relationship. Sadly it was when Janice really chose to follow her heart that things began to came apart.

I've really enjoyed your work here and look forward to what else I can find in your port!

This took a totally different direction than I expected, and it was a nice surprise!

Cam is very interesting. I like the way you wove in her compassion and a sense of selflessness. It really hints at a sense of where things are going with her character.

It was interesting how you opened this and then completely flipped the direction of the story. I do wonder if you plan on using Daniel more later on. The distraction of initially divulging a lot about him and then switching it up to Cam's perspective was interesting, but if his appearance is brief, it may be a bit too much. I just realized I'm reviewing this like it may be a first chapter to a longer work, so my apologies if I'm a little off base here. It just seems like this has a lot more to say, so I don't think this is all there is to it.

It turn out that life wasn't as ordinary as it appeared. Should it say "It turned out"
the standard doctors chair and slid curtain for privacy Sliding?

A few times you speak directly to the reader and it was a bit awkward.
Almost anywhere you stood there was beeping of machines,All you had to do was look at the good doc's face.
This could just be a personal preference. I'm not sure if there is any actual "rule" about it, but since it isn't being narrated in first person, it seems a little strange.

and was named Brandi. With an "i" no less. This made me giggle. It was a nice sense of comic relief that was unexpected.

Again, sorry about my assumption that this is meant to be a longer piece. I think I did that with the last review as well. both stories certainly feel like they have more to say and would certainly be interesting from you you have created so far!

Nice twist! I was even feeling a bit sorry for her!

I thought it was interesting she didn't have a name. Any reason? I'm just curious.

Nice setup. I don't know if this is what you were going for, but I was getting the impression she was the other woman. Just with the last minute excuses with work. I only bring it up because it has an effect on why she wants to kill him. With the suspicion of another woman in his life, there is a sense of jealousy, and he has sort of a "gets what he deserves" attitude towards him. If it truly is work then maybe some small detail such as what he actually does would affirm that and then just she's definitely unstable. Is any of this making sense? Perhaps the ambiguity was what you wanted.

My only suggestion would just be for one line.Even in death. I think you could cut this to make the last line even more powerful.

The red theme was great. It has so many great symbols and you played to them nicely and used it to your visual advantage.

You have a few more pieces I'd like to review, but my brain is a little fried right now! Long day, but I will get to more tomorrow!

"What happens to a dream deferred?" This story reminded me of that poem they made us read so many years ago in school.

I would have liked to have seen a little more emotion from Niema. She's discovering her lifelong dream all over again, but other than a little sense of hesitation, there doesn't seem to be much more feeling to her circumstances. I realize she has learned to push aside a lot of those feelings,and you handle that well when she puts away the violin, but maybe more of a jolt of angst or pain when her mother abruptly brings it up.

I liked the significance that it took a powerful moment to make her consider trying again. Just a thought, but maybe have her glance back at the store sign to re-emphasize "the sign" she realized.

She played from the memory the raise and fall of the notes with the movement of her bow. You just used bow at the end of the last sentence so it feels a bit repetitive. Suggestion:
She played from memory the rise and fall of the notes.

Can you fix mediocre talent, she thought. Putting the thought in italics makes the "she thought" seem a bit unnecessary.

Taking a deep breath, Niema inhaled the sweet smell of resin. It all came back to her... the music, the rhythm, the feeling. I really liked the use of senses to bring back her memories.

I think this has a universal theme many readers can relate to. We all have something we sacrificed for some reason or another, so its a nice ending to see someone braving those fears and trying again. Thanks for sharing this!

I liked the choice to slowly reveal what Ild really was, not giving away immediately that he was a Phoenix. It kept me interested to continue reading.

Ild-I'm curious as to the name choice. I'm not aware of a significance to it, but perhaps you know otherwise. The reason I bring it up is because, visually it seemed a bit difficult to handle. I found myself distracted at first trying to figure out the pronunciation. It could simply be the formatting of the site that made it tricky but at first I was uncertain if it was IID or LLD, but I'm settling on ILD...am I right? I realize it is a small point, but I figure it was worthy of noting since this is for a contest and I just think you should be aware of it.
When he is between, is he in a human form? I felt as if there were a few hints to this, but I'm not sure. I just couldn't visually wrap my brain around what he was during that time.

I thought the story in itself felt very unique. I don't know if the tears of the phoenix having healing powers is a regular theme, but it was something new to me and I enjoyed that. I also liked the "between", a chance to evaluate. Another part that was still a bit unclear for me was if he is aware of all of his past experiences when he is between,or limited to the most recent time. Just something else to look at.

You may want to consider changing the rating from E. I personally don't have issues with ratings, but some members are very sensitive about this and I think the violence depicted would certainly earn it a higher rating. I'm not certain of the criteria offhand, but you should look into it. Contest judges can get pretty snarky about that sometimes too, and I'd hate to see you be disqualified on a technicality. Basically I read once that if it's marked E a five year old should be able to read it. No offense, but I won't be reading this to my daughter anytime soon.

Worthiness was a matter of judgment, and Ild had never felt it was his place to judge one person more worthy than another. If one must judge worthiness, how does one separate the different levels of violence, anger, hate? Is he to judge these aspects as well? Where does worthiness in love end? The questions bothered him.
Forgive me if I'm being dense, but I have read your story several times, and I still don't quite understand all of philosophy. I'm not understanding why if his tears are so precious, he would have to even discern between levels of violence and such. Why would there not be a simple rational that those things are bad and love and kindness are good. I understand the complexity of the matter is the purpose to Ild's confusion, but it left me confused as well. Is there any way to clear things up a bit.

"Life is.”

“Of course life is!

With the statement preceding "Life is" I'm wondering if the sentiment would be clearer if it read "Life just is." As it reads now, it leaves me asking life is...what?

Again, forgive me if my brain is not keeping up with yours, but I'm having some trouble with what he is really grappling with. If he innately feels that his tears should go to one that is worthy, then why is he so torn about judgment? If he felt he had to be impartial, then why wouldn't he just cry over the first person he saw. Why is his judgment such a terrible thing? Wouldn't using judgment be encouraged? I'm sorry that I don't have the suggestions on how to clear this up in your writing, because I feel like I'm on the wrong track here.

The visual impact you described about the village and the horrors in it, truly made me cringe with their power. It's very well written and certainly graphic enough without being over done.

My sincerest apologies if I'm just not getting it and it's all right in front of me. Like I said before, I know this is for a contest, so I just wanted you to be aware of any issues I had with the piece because they could possibly be a judges concerns also. I hope this is helpful to you, and I'm happy to answer any questions if you have them.

Beautiful in its simplicity. Very impactful in such a short piece.

Normally I shy away from poetry because I'm never certain of the technical aspect, but I was excited to see a haiku! I know those! The stanzas fit the 5/7/5 requirement perfectly.

My only suggestion would be a for the opening stanza.
Tears fall like petals
Floating down, softly falling
Will we meet again?

Since this piece is so brief, each word has a huge weight to bear. I would suggest maybe an alternative to falling in the second line only to avoid a sense of repeating yourself.

Tears fall like petals I loved this image! Really beautiful. I also liked the sense of hope at the end.

Thank you for brightening my day with this beautiful piece. I really enjoyed it.

Creepy. I did have to read it twice to fully grasp what happened. I am somewhat hesitant to tell you this because that could have been me not expecting the twist. Hmmm. I'll investigate this as we go.

Not that children as murder victims isn't a horrifying thought, but I think you could make them even more sympathetic if you flesh them out a bit more. Peter's dimples, or the way Lily is deciding to decorate her new room; something personal to make them more real.
I really want to like Tom, but he falls a little short for me. It may have been your intent, but he seems almost like the third child. Maybe just a small alteration like he offers to help with the cleaning, but Jeannie is so OCD she refuses the offer. He just comes off a bit as a freeloader while she is killing herself. Or even if he goes out of his way to make her happy somehow...always has her glass of wine ready when she comes home or something like that. Ok, I'm dwelling on this way more than you should in the story.

So I mentioned earlier, I got a little lost and I think I know why. I get the deputy is nuts and unaware of his dark side, but if he is wanted for murder he wouldn't live anywhere near the town. So how could he possibly know someone had moved into the house, let alone known what restaurant the parents were at that night? I know you are throwing the reader off, but I think it may be just a bit too off.

I guess it was a morning she shouldn't have missed. You don't use first person anywhere else in the story, so this part sticks out and seems a little awkward. Careful about writing like you speak. (I do it all the time and have to check myself constantly!)
The police had received an anonomys tip... Spelling: anonymous

Blood is hard to see in the night's landscape. The sounds of screaming finally fade as dawn fast approaches. All that is left of the horrific night are whispers of the 2 lost souls that didn't escape the wrath of the stranger that came calling this evening. He picked his prey well. The children were home alone that fateful night. Tom and Jeannie were giving their 13 year old the "keys to the kingdom" on Saturday night. Dinner and a movie only lasted about 3 1/2 hours andwhat could happen in this little town they found this summer?
I think the ending is a powerful line,as a conclusion. It loses a bit of it's punch repeating it. I would cut all of the red and open with "what could happen..." It still gives that sinister undertone, but it doesn't give away your victims right away, and I think it will help mount the tension later.

Blood is hard to see in the night's landscape. The sounds of screaming finally fade as dawn fast approaches. All that is left of the horrific night are whispers of the 2 lost souls that didn't escape the wrath of the stranger that came calling this evening. I think this is fabulous!

Please know these are simply suggestions for you to have a different perspective. I don't read and review pieces I don't enjoy, so don't by any means be discouraged. I really did enjoy your story, a nd as I said before, your narrative voice is very enjoyable. By the way,if you have any questions about the site or getting around, please feel free to ask me. I'm not super techno savvy, but I know my way around pretty well. Once you get the hang of it, this site is really user friendly...that includes the other writers here!

I thought this was a beautiful story about overcoming the greatest paralysis; fear.

Ali: His pain and emotional crippling is actually endearing and he is a very sympathetic character. The reader really cheers for him and wants him to succeed.
Zaheer: He is a wonderful foil to Ali, and his heart is genuine giving him a great sense of purpose. I especially like his determination and how you pit it against Ali's apathy.

I think it's wonderful how you took what could seem like such a small passing moment in one's adolescence and turned this into a life changing moment for two young men. I thought it was nice that the story did not change only Ali, but Zaheer by giving him a deeper appreciation for what he took for granted.

Looks wonderful. No comments.

The only suggestion I would have for you is to have Ali put up a bit more of a fight when Zaheer arrives at his house. I would think if he spent most of his life sulking and pushing people away, he would not be willing so quickly to change and participate. Maybe more of an incentive or a glimpse into his thinking at that point would smooth that over and suit his character a bit more.

Usually happy endings seem so goofy to me, but this actually had me tearing up. I'm glad they won and Ali felt a great victory. It really was moving, beautifully done.

Thank you so much for asking me to review this, (like a million years ago, very sorry for the delay). I thought this was a wonderful story, and if you don't mind, I would like to post it in my forum so others could enjoy it as well.

I think you have the start of a romance story with a twist.

Kayla: I think she would seem a little more three dimensional if her grief was more profound. You tell us that she misses her husband and is heartbroken, but I don't really get much of a sense of that. Maybe she could be visiting a place she used to frequent with Ryan and it has a special meaning to her. You may also want to consider putting more time since his passing so falling in love with a new man doesn't seem quite so empty.
I would also suggest giving her more of a physical description. Something unique so at the end you could reference something more than, he saw someone who looked like Kayla.

Ryan:As a reader, I want to fall in love with Ryan, too. Rippling muscles doesn't quite quench the desire. I think it was a sweet touch that he brought her breakfast, but I'm just not feeling the attraction between the two. What is it that really sets off the sparks. I get Kayla's interest, but what is his?

Overall, I like the concept, but I think it's all a bit rushed which makes it rather unbelievable. Try slowing things down a bit. If these two are going to have a soul searching love affair that only lasts two days, then it should really count. Staying up all night having the most amazing conversation they have ever engaged in...or something to really bond them together.

The lodge is a great idea. It's quirky and really takes on it's own character, but I think you could bring it to life even more. What sort of vibe does it evoke from it's guests?

Another detail I had a hard time with is why did Kayla choose to stay at the B&B rather than borrow the phone to have her friend pick her up, or call a tow truck to get into her car for her? If she is really out of the way, you may want to point that out, otherwise I just don't see why she needed to stay the night.

"Well Mrs. Kayla your room is upstairs on the left second door."
Mrs should be miss or Ms.

"Don't move your hurt very badly,"
"Dont move. You're hurt very badly,"










Davina

Very emotional work about the loss of love.

I'm curious as to why you left out the punctuation. I think some of the thoughts you are trying to convey would have more of an impact with the addition of a few commas and periods.

Ex:As I sit here in the darkness of my sorrow, the absence of your


warm love chills me to the bone.

Without it being broken up, the intensity gets somewhat lost as it all runs together.














Davina

This is such a mature perspective from such a young author. Bravo!

I enjoyed the way you let us into his thought process and rampage of emotions. I think it was wise that this was the third doctor, it makes his acceptance in the end more believable since it is not such a shock to receive the diagnosis.

Brief, but effective.

The ending feels a bit rushed. Maybe a bit more of his emotional state to justify his sudden need to to something out of character.

Good use of a difficult situation and relating the emotions to the reader. Nice work!

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Wait...let me get a tissue.

Wonderful how you packed this entire families life story into such a small frame. I got everything I needed and never too much.

Great, as always.

I'm not sure about Melissa's reaction when Norm admits he saw his father. I realize she is shocked at the admission, but I was surprised she wasn't a little bit hopeful when he first says it, that Norm might have a relationship with his father after all. I only bring this up because she was soliciting Carl in the beginning to make an effort, but then seems to be against it when Norm initiates it.

Wonderful job! I wish it didn't already have a ribbon, but it is most definitely deserved! I have certainly enjoyed myself. Thank you so much for inviting me into your port and your imagination.

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Gripping opening with a great twist on the end. Love how you molded a story around the power of suggestion.

The opening setting is wonderful. I especially enjoyed when the room turns from tacky to terrifying for Debra. I also like the suggestion that Brenda and Richard are having an affair, but it's never actually a clear moment. All you feed us is the two in a restaurant.

One thing I did have trouble grasping was at what point did reality stop and the crystal ball start? When did she decide to return to Mr Abdullah? That could be your purpose though, to keep us guessing about what is real.

No errors.

I'm not sure if you meant to leave the reader guessing a bit, but I felt it left more of a sense of confusion than satisfaction. Maybe a little tweaking would clear the fog a bit.

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I love college stories that are true to form and put me back in my college experience.

I think the bet is a great idea, but one thing stuck out to me. Where did these guys come up with this kind of money? When I was in college you were lucky to have a twenty, and you usually guarded it with your life to buy beer on the weekends. (Which may explain my current job situation...)

Great, as usual.

I'd like to know a little more about how Stephanie has adapted. Has she grown into her grace as well as her looks, or is she still awkward. She does come across as confident, so maybe that should answer it for me. I'm just not 100%.

This piece is a lot of fun. It's nice to read things that aren't always so heavy about life. Sometimes it's nice to just enjoy a piece that makes you smile.

Well, you certainly made me laugh out loud!

You opened with such a powerful statement, and then the story turned comical very quickly. I love the feel of being in an average family...watching Jeopardy, gardening, plumbing issues. All well done with a sense of humor about it.

No problems I can see.

I think it's great that everyone is just a little bit crazy, especially grandma knitting the pink sweater! You had me rolling, and I love when the dad suggests moving the family to escape "them". The communist paranoia is great, too.

Sorry I don't have a lot of constructive criticism on this piece, but I think it's great. You made me laugh while making a comment about how ludicrous racism is from a unique vantage point. Nice work!