I have to admit, when you prefaced this as an article I was pleasantly surprised that it read like a short story.

The depictions of the officers really breathe life into this piece, but there was some lack of detail to the main characters, or rather you and your wife? I'm curious if he/you stood out like a tourist, or if efforts had been made to blend in a bit. Did you have large packs that labeled you as tourists, or clothing that stood out to the locals. Just in general, I'm sure there was some contrast to the surroundings.
You also seem relatively calm after the incident. I would think being robbed in a foreign country would be rather unsettling regardless of how polite the officials helping were.

I think you could still benefit from more description of the police station itself. It seems rather mysterious with the maze of stairs and tunnels to reach it, but was it surprisingly average when they reached the actual precinct. How did it compare to a US police station?

I'll throw this out there, but I realize it may be somewhat biased since I have lived in the southwest my entire life and picked up on a lot of Spanish. I'm not so sure you need the translations. Many of the phrases are either relatively common, or can be inferred from the surrounding text. Maybe experiment and see if readers make their way through without stumbling.

The discussions about the presidents are amusing. Its strange to be reminded that the rest of the world has opinions about our politics as well and seem to be watching!

Sorry if I had made assumptions about this being non-fiction. But it's refreshing to know that there are officials out of the country that are trustworthy when a problem occurs and the world hasn't completely turned its back on Americans!

This had me laughing a couple times. It's funny how children can take things so literally.

Verne: poor little Verne! So many names and languages! I'd be overwhelmed as an adult! I like the mention of the Sega, a typical seven year old's priorities, but you may want to think of a few other examples that make this world so different for him. How does he feel about sharing his space with so many people versus what he is used to at home. What is there for entertainment and what is he surprised to enjoy. I realize this isn't the focus of this particular piece, but it could add some interesting layers to the story.
Ama Cebu just cracks me up! She just tells it like it is!

Verne is quite concerned about the "or else", so it might be fun to know what Verne might be thinking that could entail. I realize this is actually non-fiction, so there may not have been any thoughts on the subject, but it could be fun to play with a child's imagination.
I'd like to know a little more about the setting. This is a place most people will not be familiar with, so paint it more for us. Is it lush and green? What kind of plants are there? What sort of furniture or decorations are in the house? Small details to really bring the story alive.

Other than names, is there anyway to distinguish the relatives his is familiar with...the aunts uncles and cousins that is. Any special memories with them. Aunt Josie certainly left her impression, so what does he remember of the others.

Two months more of this cannot be good for my sanity. I would be careful with the choice of word sanity. This is written from the perspective of a child, so it seems a little too mature of a word. Maybe "I could go crazy in two months."

“Very bad, your dad is a bad father, did not teach you to speak Chinese. Your mother is okay, she really does not know Chinese. But your dad is bad. Seriously, this line had me cracking up! Especially, your mother is okay!

Thanks again for sharing this with me. This was fun and informative. I had no idea so many languages could be crammed into such a small space!

This story really tore at my heart. I felt Barb's desperation and anxiety. You captured that stigma around her situation in such a time.

Poor Barb. As frantic as her thoughts are, you really gave her life with the constant fear of being discovered and constantly thinking of ways to prolong her secret. And you mixed in the all too powerful emotion of teen love.

The premise is very clear and concise. My favorite part is the dialog and how well you use it to move the plot along.

"What other kind of Current Events is there?" No need to capitalize current events, and is should be are.

Since the culture of the times is so important, I think you may want to take a look at the scene with her mom again. The entire conversation seems too forward for the times. I think she would be much more uncomfortable with the topic and would probably use some sort of suggestive code words for "period". I don't have any clever answers for you at the moment, but I'm sure you could think of something.

She gazed out the window at the fat, full moon. I don't know what it is about this line, but I just love the description of the moon. Something about it mirrors the pregnancy, the glowing of a full moon.

This is a nice piece. The ending is heartbreaking and to be honest, unexpected. Great work!

That first moment of finding a special someone is always enjoyable. If I can be bold enough to make a few suggestions to turn up the spark factor!

I get Marianne is the awkward, shy country girl, but I don't really see a reason for her insecurity. From your descriptions, she's attractive so I would think there would need to be something else that makes her feel so out of place. Is she just an introvert? Maybe a suggestion of a very large collection of books in her place to hint at how she typically spends her weekends.

Like I said, I love stories about that first moment, especially when it's unexpected. You may want to try to utilize the occasion a bit more to produce a bit more romance. Something about New Years Eve has a bit of magic to it, but this feels a bit like any other party.

The tense changes between the first three paragraphs really made it difficult to read at first. You start in the past tens, but the second is somewhat forced into present tense making for an awkward read. straining back muscles protesting her lugging the overstuffed bag up the stairs to her second-floor apartment, Maybe try: her strained back muscles protested as she lugged the overstuffed bag... Also, putting this in the midst of a thought is a bit long and the thought gets a bit lost. You may want to consider cutting out the "funny"

The bit about the dress struck me as somewhat unusual. If she was just out in the country with her parents, where did she shop to find a great trendy dress with a bold color like that? Maybe she went into the city with Mom one day to shop? I don't think it would hurt if you chose to eliminate that part all together. It is a nice way to point out her eyes, but maybe you could work that in when Sue meets her at the door.

I always feel like an island of misery in an ocean of happiness. This thought seems a bit melodramatic. If she were saying it in a joking tone on the phone, it would work, but as a serious thought I have a hard time buying it.

OK, I'll admit I don't make it to too many parties, but the mention of punch was strange to me. It reminded me of a high school prom. Not that Marianne has to be an alcoholic or anything, but maybe she could search for an alternative among the multiple bottles of champagne to set the atmosphere.

“Why don’t we sit down over there and get acquainted?” Something about this feels unnatural, or it makes Jim seem really uptight. Not that Marianne is the type to buy an opening line, but such a forward invitation could also be unsettling for such a person. Some humor could lighten it up and make Jim more realistic. "You look as happy as I feel. Want to come sulk in the corner with me and discuss how miserable we are?" Something sarcastic, or even charming.

The thought had barely registered in her mind when her senses were overwhelmed by his spicy masculine scent, the soft woolen texture of his jacket beneath her fingers and the recessed mini-lights that swirled like stars in a night sky above her. She felt as warm and cozy as if she were basking in the glow of an open flame on a cold snowy night. The tone of this is incredible romantic. Try working a bit more of this feel into Marianne's descriptions of her feelings as she is speaking to Jim.

I know I've thrown a lot out there. Please know they are just suggestions from an outside perspective. I really enjoy the thought of two quiet souls finding one another at an unlikely party. Take what you like and toss the rest!

This is a cute story. I really enjoyed the general tone of Bailey happily lost in her world.

Bailey's determination is great. I like the detail about her getting her own clothes to signify her independence. I am a little lost on her motivation though. Mom mentions that the birds parents were caught before he was born and he lives in a cage because he's an animal, but I just don't see why she has such a desire. Maybe some more monologue as she is catching the animals to clarify why she is doing what she is doing. I get she thinks she can make them into pets, but maybe a mention that Andy is the only pet she has and she can't really play with him because he is in a cage. Just a suggestion, I'm sure its clearer to you what her motivation is so you may have a better way to exemplify that.

Aside from the above, her determination really drives the story and its very endearing. The ending was my favorite part. I realize there is something a bit tragic to the scenario, but at the same time it is humorous. I would consider the mention of the tears in mom's eyes. Of course that's a realistic reaction, but this being a children's story you might want to try to keep it light.

jumps away as she hit’s the ground and slides past. I believe hit's should be hits.

At this point I pretty much covered everything in the topics above.

It was fun to read something from you that wasn't focused around a bug! Bailey made me smile. Thanks for sending this my way.

This story is such a humbling reminder that rock bottom can happen to anyone, but with a beautiful message that you can always change your stars.

There are such great details right in the beginning to paint Janet's picture: the button less coat, the socks on her hands and frozen ears. Some gritty details may have added even more, her cracked lips, matted hair...something to add to the upleasantness of her current circumstances. I am a bit confused about how she actually let herself get to this point. She was such a sharp composed woman, did she just give up because she was so broken hearted?

I still haven't quite figured out what it is you did, but somehow I didn't trust Mark right from the first time he appeared. Of course the present regrets of Janice that popped in did solidify my suspicions!

I really enjoyed how you progressed the story from past to present. It was very smooth transitions and I also like the inclusion of her thoughts done in italics so I didn't have to keep reading "janet thought"!

...pleased to note that the other Group Managers were already gathered there.
Mark asked each of them in turn about their Group’s individual responsibilities
Janet, whose group had the responsibility for managing the Company’s off-site terminal facilities,
I'm not too sure about some of the capitalization. They aren't technically proper nouns, well group managers might be stretching as a title, but as far as I can tell there is no need for trying to make them proper.

I know I touched on this already, but the ending seemed abrupt. You had such a nice progression of their relationship, flashing back to the present at the right moments you could bypass some time. I'm not oppossed to the sudden change of events, but it just left me wanting some more, but not in a good way. Maybe just a bit more of how things went down could fill in the blanks of exactly how things got so bad for Janet. I can't imagine she would have ended up penniless. She just seemed too smart for that, so I feel like I'm missing a major piece of the puzzle.

There was something very real about the movement to the relationship. You paced it well and followed their character attributes of even using their heads rather than their hearts when it came to decisions about their relationship. Sadly it was when Janice really chose to follow her heart that things began to came apart.

I've really enjoyed your work here and look forward to what else I can find in your port!

Ah,finally a critter that didn't make my skin crawl.

I love the youth and innocence of the brand new butterfly. So much of her world she has experienced before, but now she is seeing it in a whole new way. I liked the touch of her cocoon being referred to as a blanket and outgrowing it. Nice little "growing up" lesson to be read to a little one parting with their blankie.

I would think this change would be quite dramatic for her,awakening as a new creature, yet you seem to underplay it. She doesn't seem fascinated with her new body as I think she would be. I do realize kids think with their stomachs first, but the rest seems somewhat mundane to her. Maybe some more enthusiasm for her transformation would liven it up a bit.

“Mom. Mom, where are you?” Reading this aloud, I would think the first mom would have a question mark after it since she does not know where she is.

So something really struck me as I was reading this. "Butterflies eat leaves?" I was surprised and thought I would look into it. Now, for give me if you already knew all this but butterflies have a liquid diet of nectar and are physically incapable of eating leaves. I found a little site, www.gardeningtipsnideas.com/2008/08/butterfly_facts_what_do_butterflies_eat.html, (forgive my lack of linking ability ) but it talks about how butterflies are attracted to particular flowers that emit UV light and has a link to a bunch of examples that could serve as inspiration. Again, apologies if you are just taking creative license with this, but you have been quite clever in introducing educational concepts in the past, and completely deviating like this seemed out of character for your writing.

“Mom?” She’s a pretty mom if it’s true: wide wings with green and white patches and outlined in gold. “Is that you, Mom?”

As a matter of fact she is I wasn't sure why she wouldn't be certain this was her mom. Has it been a long time since she has seen her and doesn't recognize her, or is there another reason I'm missing.

They meet Mrs. Cockroach and her seven children: two boys and five girls.

Then they meet Mr. and Mrs. Dragonfly. They have twin daughters, Anabelle and Liandra. Bailey likes them most.

She plays hopscotch with Jill, a red ladybug, and Jerry, a nervous honey bee. Just my opinion, I would switch the second and third line and consider leaving off the detail of two boys and five girls.

“I promise, Honey. You’ll never be alone again.” I thought this was an interesting line to end on. To be honest, I'm a little mixed on it. It seems to be a very big promise to make, especially since it is just the two of them. Perhaps a more reasonable promise to be there in the morning? Just a thought. You may have something more to this line that I'm missing right now.

I really liked the subtle suggestion of the birds being predators. It was an interesting fact to include without being over the top. Nice work!

I think this was a sweet little story that could delve even deeper without being to much for a children's story. Don't underestimate kid's ability to learn, although I know you have your own so I doubt you do. My five year old actually argued with me one day that a cocoon is called a chrysalis!

This took a totally different direction than I expected, and it was a nice surprise!

Cam is very interesting. I like the way you wove in her compassion and a sense of selflessness. It really hints at a sense of where things are going with her character.

It was interesting how you opened this and then completely flipped the direction of the story. I do wonder if you plan on using Daniel more later on. The distraction of initially divulging a lot about him and then switching it up to Cam's perspective was interesting, but if his appearance is brief, it may be a bit too much. I just realized I'm reviewing this like it may be a first chapter to a longer work, so my apologies if I'm a little off base here. It just seems like this has a lot more to say, so I don't think this is all there is to it.

It turn out that life wasn't as ordinary as it appeared. Should it say "It turned out"
the standard doctors chair and slid curtain for privacy Sliding?

A few times you speak directly to the reader and it was a bit awkward.
Almost anywhere you stood there was beeping of machines,All you had to do was look at the good doc's face.
This could just be a personal preference. I'm not sure if there is any actual "rule" about it, but since it isn't being narrated in first person, it seems a little strange.

and was named Brandi. With an "i" no less. This made me giggle. It was a nice sense of comic relief that was unexpected.

Again, sorry about my assumption that this is meant to be a longer piece. I think I did that with the last review as well. both stories certainly feel like they have more to say and would certainly be interesting from you you have created so far!

Nice twist! I was even feeling a bit sorry for her!

I thought it was interesting she didn't have a name. Any reason? I'm just curious.

Nice setup. I don't know if this is what you were going for, but I was getting the impression she was the other woman. Just with the last minute excuses with work. I only bring it up because it has an effect on why she wants to kill him. With the suspicion of another woman in his life, there is a sense of jealousy, and he has sort of a "gets what he deserves" attitude towards him. If it truly is work then maybe some small detail such as what he actually does would affirm that and then just she's definitely unstable. Is any of this making sense? Perhaps the ambiguity was what you wanted.

My only suggestion would just be for one line.Even in death. I think you could cut this to make the last line even more powerful.

The red theme was great. It has so many great symbols and you played to them nicely and used it to your visual advantage.

You have a few more pieces I'd like to review, but my brain is a little fried right now! Long day, but I will get to more tomorrow!

"What happens to a dream deferred?" This story reminded me of that poem they made us read so many years ago in school.

I would have liked to have seen a little more emotion from Niema. She's discovering her lifelong dream all over again, but other than a little sense of hesitation, there doesn't seem to be much more feeling to her circumstances. I realize she has learned to push aside a lot of those feelings,and you handle that well when she puts away the violin, but maybe more of a jolt of angst or pain when her mother abruptly brings it up.

I liked the significance that it took a powerful moment to make her consider trying again. Just a thought, but maybe have her glance back at the store sign to re-emphasize "the sign" she realized.

She played from the memory the raise and fall of the notes with the movement of her bow. You just used bow at the end of the last sentence so it feels a bit repetitive. Suggestion:
She played from memory the rise and fall of the notes.

Can you fix mediocre talent, she thought. Putting the thought in italics makes the "she thought" seem a bit unnecessary.

Taking a deep breath, Niema inhaled the sweet smell of resin. It all came back to her... the music, the rhythm, the feeling. I really liked the use of senses to bring back her memories.

I think this has a universal theme many readers can relate to. We all have something we sacrificed for some reason or another, so its a nice ending to see someone braving those fears and trying again. Thanks for sharing this!

Alright, I did find myself scratching my head a few times while reading this!

Haleigh: she's a smart little critter, and maybe a little too smart for the maturity you seem to present her with at times. She is obviously younger, but I would think she would have to be of a somewhat reasonable age to make the decisions she did.
The princess doesn’t like this, she wants parks and friends and to stay in just one place
She doesn’t like getting cleaned up, These couple lines portray her much younger than I think you intend to, or at least don't "fit" the rest of the character you have created.

I really enjoy the perspective of the lice being in different colored forests, and across the carpet. It was fun to know what they were referring to without calling these things what we do.

I think a small problem you may have to consider is where are the parents. Kids are quite observant and will probably be asking why they never rejoined Haleigh. I know she sends them letters, but it seems they create quite a civilization, and it didn't seem to take them that long to travel. (I realize they were carried to the attic, but it just seems like a bit of a loose end.

When it does, she sees that another forest is rising and falling above the colony. This was confusing for me. I've read it several times and I just don't think I understand. I'm pretty sure you mean the light going off and on is a hat, but is the wig coming off and on? Perhaps this being an illustrated story that may be explained in pictures.

She heads to the throne room, climbs into the high chair, The words "high chair" conjured up for me a child's high chair, not a throne. Perhaps an alternative to get the right image you intended.

The flood starts as they’re leaving, large drops of water fall from the sky, followed by white suds. I thought this might be a place you could introduce a sense of smell for description. Fortunately, I have not had any personal experience with needing lice shampoo, but I'm sure it has quite a strong chemical smell too it.

Haleigh has never seen such a thing, but members of the council tell her they have been across. This sentence was just a little awkward for me. Suggestion:
...but members of the council assure her they have safely crossed it before.

Haleigh wakes to the humming of metal cutters. It’s new to her, but Mrs. Vicki tells her what it is. I realize the likely solution that a boys head would be shaved rather than trying to get rid of the lice otherwise, but this detail seems a bit after the fact. They have already moved on. Maybe the starts to get shaved while the lice are still there and the clippers jam?

straightening her aluminum crown with two hands and rubbing the wrinkles out of her red gown with the other four.
I thought this was a good visual and a clever way of letting the reader know that lice have six legs.

I have to admit, I'm not sure how willing I would be to pick up a story about lice to read for my kids...cute and resourceful as they are. Have you thought of these different stories as a collection? Maybe it's just because I have girls...perhaps a boy might be a little more open to creepy crawlies!

I'm noticing the insect theme.

Ayradth:there seems to be a lot of emphasis on being "pretty". You also mentioned how she wants to grow up to be as pretty as her mom. It's not that I think there is anything wrong with a daughter admiring mom's beauty, but perhaps there is a more substantial quality she could admire,a s well as have something more within herself that she is "loved by everyone" for. Her character does develop as the story goes, but her initial impression is a bit vain and whiny. Not sure if that's the image you wanted to convey.
I did like the clever way she used each of her friends talents, giving the other ants some personality of their own. With regards to their clothing: the first two descriptions seem appropriate to add to the characters, but the third in a yellow shirt and black pants feels a bit out of place, almost like you added it just because you had with the other two. You may want to find a way to either have something about the clothes help explain her personality, or choose to focus on a different description altogether.

I like the journey to the "Great Can", but I noticed you left out any mention of what they actually took from there. Other than the chocolate you bring up later, what else did they find? I also thought it was an interesting fact that ants can lift a ridiculous amount. That may be a clever visual to include when they are returning home.
I thought the ants were going with a group of ant out to gather food, but I get the impression that Ayradth is alone with her friends and scouts. Did they go out alone, or did you just leave out a mention of the other ants.

Make me a list of who you’ll take and I’ll have them meet you in the morning? I don't think you meant this to be a question.
The princess took led the group when they got outside the gate.Not sure if a word is missing, or has one too many words, but this sentence doesn't quite make sense.
We’ll find our way to the great can and get the food.You've capitalized "great can" everywhere else in the story, thought maybe you just overlooked an instance.

Ants were everywhere, lying on a ledge, resting under a warm sun.I thought this was an interesting choice. Usually ants are associated as little work machines, so this seems like a very relaxed colony. Maybe an addition that they are relaxing at the end of a long day?

They thought it would make her a great queen one day, but she wanted to play and spend time with her friends.

She dug tunnels so ants could travel through the city. This is a bit of a jarring jump. She wants to play with her friends, but then you list everything she does other than that. Maybe a transition of some sort could ease into the list of chores. Suggestion:
But being an ant was hard work and playing would have to wait.

Being an ant was rough. She just wanted to play with her friends. There wasn't time for everything else.
"everything" is a little confusing here. Do you mean playing with her friends would take up so much time there isn't time for all the work, or there isn't time for friends because of all the work?

I like the focus of using your brains and being a leader by encouraging other's talents. It's a nice message to send.

I hope this doesn't feel too picked apart. The second half of the story feels a bit stronger than the first. The descriptions of the journey are great, very imaginative from an ants perspective. Maybe just a bit more of that in the beginning with regards to the colony as a whole could help bring it to life a bit more.

I liked the choice to slowly reveal what Ild really was, not giving away immediately that he was a Phoenix. It kept me interested to continue reading.

Ild-I'm curious as to the name choice. I'm not aware of a significance to it, but perhaps you know otherwise. The reason I bring it up is because, visually it seemed a bit difficult to handle. I found myself distracted at first trying to figure out the pronunciation. It could simply be the formatting of the site that made it tricky but at first I was uncertain if it was IID or LLD, but I'm settling on ILD...am I right? I realize it is a small point, but I figure it was worthy of noting since this is for a contest and I just think you should be aware of it.
When he is between, is he in a human form? I felt as if there were a few hints to this, but I'm not sure. I just couldn't visually wrap my brain around what he was during that time.

I thought the story in itself felt very unique. I don't know if the tears of the phoenix having healing powers is a regular theme, but it was something new to me and I enjoyed that. I also liked the "between", a chance to evaluate. Another part that was still a bit unclear for me was if he is aware of all of his past experiences when he is between,or limited to the most recent time. Just something else to look at.

You may want to consider changing the rating from E. I personally don't have issues with ratings, but some members are very sensitive about this and I think the violence depicted would certainly earn it a higher rating. I'm not certain of the criteria offhand, but you should look into it. Contest judges can get pretty snarky about that sometimes too, and I'd hate to see you be disqualified on a technicality. Basically I read once that if it's marked E a five year old should be able to read it. No offense, but I won't be reading this to my daughter anytime soon.

Worthiness was a matter of judgment, and Ild had never felt it was his place to judge one person more worthy than another. If one must judge worthiness, how does one separate the different levels of violence, anger, hate? Is he to judge these aspects as well? Where does worthiness in love end? The questions bothered him.
Forgive me if I'm being dense, but I have read your story several times, and I still don't quite understand all of philosophy. I'm not understanding why if his tears are so precious, he would have to even discern between levels of violence and such. Why would there not be a simple rational that those things are bad and love and kindness are good. I understand the complexity of the matter is the purpose to Ild's confusion, but it left me confused as well. Is there any way to clear things up a bit.

"Life is.”

“Of course life is!

With the statement preceding "Life is" I'm wondering if the sentiment would be clearer if it read "Life just is." As it reads now, it leaves me asking life is...what?

Again, forgive me if my brain is not keeping up with yours, but I'm having some trouble with what he is really grappling with. If he innately feels that his tears should go to one that is worthy, then why is he so torn about judgment? If he felt he had to be impartial, then why wouldn't he just cry over the first person he saw. Why is his judgment such a terrible thing? Wouldn't using judgment be encouraged? I'm sorry that I don't have the suggestions on how to clear this up in your writing, because I feel like I'm on the wrong track here.

The visual impact you described about the village and the horrors in it, truly made me cringe with their power. It's very well written and certainly graphic enough without being over done.

My sincerest apologies if I'm just not getting it and it's all right in front of me. Like I said before, I know this is for a contest, so I just wanted you to be aware of any issues I had with the piece because they could possibly be a judges concerns also. I hope this is helpful to you, and I'm happy to answer any questions if you have them.

I'm assuming this is intended as a children's story. After a quick peek in your port that seems to be your preferred genre to write in, so I'm running with that!

Mathew: What a sweet little man! I am intrigued as to your choice to make him a mantis. I'm getting the concept of the males being gone and the females raising the children, but I think a little bit more explanation could help. I'm thinking this is a representation of the social structures of the mantis, so it could also be a good opportunity to educate. If the work the males are doing is monotonous or labor intensive, it could help explain Mathew's motivation to want something different for himself. As of right now, he seems to be lacking that motivation other than being inspired. Since the moral of the story seems to carry a tone of "you can be whatever you dream", it could be a powerful sentiment that he is deciding to not follow expected social roles. You do get this across somewhat when he keeps referring to all of the art and writing being mostly from women, so I would definitely keep those references.
The girls: I'm a bit torn on what to suggest so I'll offer you both sides of my thinking and let you decide. As they are right now, there isn't anything to really differentiate one from another. Now you could keep them the way they are and accentuate the role of everyone being somewhat generic and unquestioning the system. Then it makes Mathew's choice to be different all the more special. Or you could give them each something to distinguish them(other than their interest) and their unique identities are a driving force to be different himself. I like the way you handled Kathy with that regard. She has her own personality and is more memorable for it. Both suggestions are to play up the idea of going against the norm, so it's just a matter of how you want to handle it.

I know most children's stories have illustrators different from their authors, but I don't think you should give away your chance to put your visual stamp on things. What are the books in the library made out of? The paintings in the museum could be done on small leaves or pieces of bark. I did enjoy the depiction of the little boats. Very clear and visually appealing. As a thought, I don't know where mantis' live. In a tree, a nest of some sort like a hornet...another chance to educate a bit.
I'm a little at a loss as to the purpose behind the mom setting him up all the time. Is she hoping he will fall in love or is it her intent to show him there is more to the world they live in?

The note he wrote let his mom he would travel,... Should this read "let his mom know"?

I like the repetition of the "as a mantis..." statements, but I think you could really get a punch out of the last one if you change it a bit.
As Mathew, he left to become something special. It drives home the thought of being an individual.

As a mantis, Mathew grew quickly, dark green with a long body and six, powerful legs.
I would make this two sentences.
As a mantis, Mathew grew quickly. His long, dark green body had six powerful legs.

“But mom,” he didn’t like girls, “you think Michelle, Sara, and Andrea are pretty. I don’t.”
This sentence was a little rough for me.
Mathew scrunched his face. He didn't like girls. "You think Michelle, Sara, and Andrea are pretty and I don't."

I really appreciate the unique thought of using a mantis as your main character and making him so endearing. The moral is genuine and a great message for kids.

I hope you find something useful in all of my ramblings. I can tell you really write with your heart, so don't doubt yourself! Come back and visit again soon!

Beautiful in its simplicity. Very impactful in such a short piece.

Normally I shy away from poetry because I'm never certain of the technical aspect, but I was excited to see a haiku! I know those! The stanzas fit the 5/7/5 requirement perfectly.

My only suggestion would be a for the opening stanza.
Tears fall like petals
Floating down, softly falling
Will we meet again?

Since this piece is so brief, each word has a huge weight to bear. I would suggest maybe an alternative to falling in the second line only to avoid a sense of repeating yourself.

Tears fall like petals I loved this image! Really beautiful. I also liked the sense of hope at the end.

Thank you for brightening my day with this beautiful piece. I really enjoyed it.

Creepy. I did have to read it twice to fully grasp what happened. I am somewhat hesitant to tell you this because that could have been me not expecting the twist. Hmmm. I'll investigate this as we go.

Not that children as murder victims isn't a horrifying thought, but I think you could make them even more sympathetic if you flesh them out a bit more. Peter's dimples, or the way Lily is deciding to decorate her new room; something personal to make them more real.
I really want to like Tom, but he falls a little short for me. It may have been your intent, but he seems almost like the third child. Maybe just a small alteration like he offers to help with the cleaning, but Jeannie is so OCD she refuses the offer. He just comes off a bit as a freeloader while she is killing herself. Or even if he goes out of his way to make her happy somehow...always has her glass of wine ready when she comes home or something like that. Ok, I'm dwelling on this way more than you should in the story.

So I mentioned earlier, I got a little lost and I think I know why. I get the deputy is nuts and unaware of his dark side, but if he is wanted for murder he wouldn't live anywhere near the town. So how could he possibly know someone had moved into the house, let alone known what restaurant the parents were at that night? I know you are throwing the reader off, but I think it may be just a bit too off.

I guess it was a morning she shouldn't have missed. You don't use first person anywhere else in the story, so this part sticks out and seems a little awkward. Careful about writing like you speak. (I do it all the time and have to check myself constantly!)
The police had received an anonomys tip... Spelling: anonymous

Blood is hard to see in the night's landscape. The sounds of screaming finally fade as dawn fast approaches. All that is left of the horrific night are whispers of the 2 lost souls that didn't escape the wrath of the stranger that came calling this evening. He picked his prey well. The children were home alone that fateful night. Tom and Jeannie were giving their 13 year old the "keys to the kingdom" on Saturday night. Dinner and a movie only lasted about 3 1/2 hours andwhat could happen in this little town they found this summer?
I think the ending is a powerful line,as a conclusion. It loses a bit of it's punch repeating it. I would cut all of the red and open with "what could happen..." It still gives that sinister undertone, but it doesn't give away your victims right away, and I think it will help mount the tension later.

Blood is hard to see in the night's landscape. The sounds of screaming finally fade as dawn fast approaches. All that is left of the horrific night are whispers of the 2 lost souls that didn't escape the wrath of the stranger that came calling this evening. I think this is fabulous!

Please know these are simply suggestions for you to have a different perspective. I don't read and review pieces I don't enjoy, so don't by any means be discouraged. I really did enjoy your story, a nd as I said before, your narrative voice is very enjoyable. By the way,if you have any questions about the site or getting around, please feel free to ask me. I'm not super techno savvy, but I know my way around pretty well. Once you get the hang of it, this site is really user friendly...that includes the other writers here!

I thought this was a beautiful story about overcoming the greatest paralysis; fear.

Ali: His pain and emotional crippling is actually endearing and he is a very sympathetic character. The reader really cheers for him and wants him to succeed.
Zaheer: He is a wonderful foil to Ali, and his heart is genuine giving him a great sense of purpose. I especially like his determination and how you pit it against Ali's apathy.

I think it's wonderful how you took what could seem like such a small passing moment in one's adolescence and turned this into a life changing moment for two young men. I thought it was nice that the story did not change only Ali, but Zaheer by giving him a deeper appreciation for what he took for granted.

Looks wonderful. No comments.

The only suggestion I would have for you is to have Ali put up a bit more of a fight when Zaheer arrives at his house. I would think if he spent most of his life sulking and pushing people away, he would not be willing so quickly to change and participate. Maybe more of an incentive or a glimpse into his thinking at that point would smooth that over and suit his character a bit more.

Usually happy endings seem so goofy to me, but this actually had me tearing up. I'm glad they won and Ali felt a great victory. It really was moving, beautifully done.

Thank you so much for asking me to review this, (like a million years ago, very sorry for the delay). I thought this was a wonderful story, and if you don't mind, I would like to post it in my forum so others could enjoy it as well.

I think you have the start of a romance story with a twist.

Kayla: I think she would seem a little more three dimensional if her grief was more profound. You tell us that she misses her husband and is heartbroken, but I don't really get much of a sense of that. Maybe she could be visiting a place she used to frequent with Ryan and it has a special meaning to her. You may also want to consider putting more time since his passing so falling in love with a new man doesn't seem quite so empty.
I would also suggest giving her more of a physical description. Something unique so at the end you could reference something more than, he saw someone who looked like Kayla.

Ryan:As a reader, I want to fall in love with Ryan, too. Rippling muscles doesn't quite quench the desire. I think it was a sweet touch that he brought her breakfast, but I'm just not feeling the attraction between the two. What is it that really sets off the sparks. I get Kayla's interest, but what is his?

Overall, I like the concept, but I think it's all a bit rushed which makes it rather unbelievable. Try slowing things down a bit. If these two are going to have a soul searching love affair that only lasts two days, then it should really count. Staying up all night having the most amazing conversation they have ever engaged in...or something to really bond them together.

The lodge is a great idea. It's quirky and really takes on it's own character, but I think you could bring it to life even more. What sort of vibe does it evoke from it's guests?

Another detail I had a hard time with is why did Kayla choose to stay at the B&B rather than borrow the phone to have her friend pick her up, or call a tow truck to get into her car for her? If she is really out of the way, you may want to point that out, otherwise I just don't see why she needed to stay the night.

"Well Mrs. Kayla your room is upstairs on the left second door."
Mrs should be miss or Ms.

"Don't move your hurt very badly,"
"Dont move. You're hurt very badly,"










Davina

Very emotional work about the loss of love.

I'm curious as to why you left out the punctuation. I think some of the thoughts you are trying to convey would have more of an impact with the addition of a few commas and periods.

Ex:As I sit here in the darkness of my sorrow, the absence of your


warm love chills me to the bone.

Without it being broken up, the intensity gets somewhat lost as it all runs together.














Davina