I think this is the way crazy people think. They have a reason for doing the insane things they do. It might make no sense to us but to them it is perfectly logical. I think you could have added one small part. Not just they could not find the rifle, but that somebody conspired to keep them from finding the rifle. Most nuts think they are perfectly sane, it is you who are nuts, not them.
"He had not many models for what outcome of this extent intended to accomplish..." This is an example of the overly wordiness of the writing. Pear down the sentence. Don't use $5 words, you sound pretentious.
"The intergenerational injury of digestion was slippery, and we saw the punctuation legitimately vanish from our family name as my father began a regulation practice." How about, Damage to my family lessened as my father started his employment.
I could give many more examples that make reading this a chore. The lesson imparted by the author is lost in the jargon.
The general idea and story is interesting. Speaking of the story specifically there is a great deal to do to fix it. A person picking his teeth with a dagger seems a little over the top. The measurements are very confusing and not explained. The story seems to be a part two of something. I am missing all the back story to the opening scene. When I read a story I should get a mental picture of the place and the charters. I don't get any of that here. Please describe the location in much better detail. The motivations of the charters and their thinking of the situation they find themselves in. I think this is a good start but needs to be fleshed out much more than it has.
This seems very dark. The author seems to say that joy is very delicate and fleeting. It all seems so fleeting and temporary. Love for her is not a thing that sticks around, but it here only for a short season if not less. Very depressing. If that is the point, then you made it very well. I could feel the emotion of sad depression throughout.
This is what I think the poem is about. If I am wrong then we had a miscommunication. There is a fire and the person is trying to find a way to safety. They do. I like the part that the end is in gear, like it is moving. Not the old tripe of "the end is near." It is a good twist.
This is a nice story. Well written. I understand what is going on. It just don't grab my interest because there is not nearly enough background. I would like to have seen more about how we came into contact. How it was kept from the people of earth. How many are walking around us. Being more specific about what went on before the scene this story describes would make this part much more interesting. As it is I don't feel drawn into the story. The grammar and spelling are first rate.
I honestly never understood that statement(,) and to this day I think my father was one of the most pridefully arrogant men I have ever known(,) and it was no secret to anyone who knew him.
Throughout the day, he would spend more (unnecessary, not more) time staring at that(the, not that) old pocket watch and stroking the silver chain like his life depended upon it.
There is many incidences of missing commas in this story, to0 many to mention.
This was a very good story. It drew me in. I felt like I could draw the house, it was described so well. I even knew a lawyer who had an office like it. I saw no grammar or spelling mistakes. The story made sense. The people were described well and seemed believable. My only suggestion would be less explaining to the building owner. Perhaps you could cut down the actual events and describe it to the owner later? My point is you do the same thing twice and I would try to find a way to do it once. Still an excellent story, very well written. I would give it an A.
South of Prescott (Arizona). I would say the state since most would not know that.
Your protagonist reacts the same way I would have to the "Your kind" comment. His reaction is very realistic.
By mentioning Nebraska Territory you date your time frame to May 30, 1854, until March 1, 1867. I hope this is on purpose. On the cover of your book is the 1873 Colt. A small mistake but still a mistake. The writing seems average.No major spelling or grammar mistakes. I think a few commas are missing. The story makes sense. I would say a good start. But make sure the year you want to write about is the one you are writing about.
This story has a lot of people in it. I was having a hard time keeping them all strait. The relationships are complicated and change in the middle of the chapter. I have the same issue at a family reunion, so that is no surprise. I didn't see any glaring spelling or grammar mistakes. The story does draw the reader in. The promise to explain the unsaid later is the hook. The next chapters will have to answer the mysteries. Over all a cut above the average story found on writing.com
I very much enjoyed this piece. I am an old guy who is more used to dealing with people face to face. This internet stuff can get very frustrating. I wish I had read this bit of advise 10 years ago. It makes a lot of sense. Thank you for taking the time to write it. I don't give out many 5 stars but this is one of those few times.
Glad your here on writing.com. This is a new type of writing to me. I have no recolection of seeing anything like it. It is interesting type of poetry. I will give you a 5 star for the simple reason that my lack of understanding this type of writing may not give me a reason to give you anything less.
He reached into his pocket and removed the folded envelope and gave it to the man. [I would have used names here. Its a little confusing.]
I do love the emd. It was as it should ne totaly unexpected. I saw no spelling errors or grammar mistakes. Other than my one small suggestion I see no reason to change anything.
your shopping routine into a workout in surprisingly easy wars with the right augmentation (I think you wanted to say ways and not wars)
The last line ended in a comma not a period.
These are the only two errors I could find in the entire piece. Very well written. I understand what is going on and the first person narration is exactly what it should be. This is very professional. It is ready for publication. Makes me want to buy such a program. To bad it did not exist. Perhaps someday soon. I enjoyed reading this.
Very well written. You used personal experience to reinforce your argument. Very persuasive. I believe I understand what it is you are trying to convince the reader of.The spelling and grammar seem to be spot on. I did not see any way to improve on your work. The only suggestion I would have is to keep the political stuff out. In today's world about half the population will stop listening to anything you have to say once you identify yourself as being liberal or conservative. There seems to be very little middle ground these days.
This is the first thing of yours I have read. I like this story. Reminds me of many people I have known over the years. My father had said the same things about President Wilson to me. I will look forward to you writing a novel based on this very short pit. Let me know if you have more of this story somewhere. I would be interested.
This story was well written. I felt I was there. Grammar was very good. I didn't have to try to guess what was meant. Spelling was excellent. This was a disturbing story. To bad it ended the way it did. Having to put down an animal is always disturbing. On the other hand the author made it very clear that it was necessary and done in the best way possible. I can't say I liked the story but it was written in a way that I clearly saw what the author wanted me to. I just felt sorry for all involved, that is the part I didn't like. Better than average written story.
The grammar is very bad. You should read it out loud to yourself. It will just not sound correct to you when you make a mistake and you say it out loud. This sounds like a non-english speaker. This should be re-written. Some lines do not start with a capital letter. Words like "The" are missing.
I love this story. Everybody would like to do his once in a while. Most of us can resist. Don't change a thing. This would be a good story to read in a magazine or collection of short stories. A real pearl.
Maybe it was never an accident.** I really hate this line. "Both of you never visit me in school, literally all the parents keep visiting their children"** I think the last part of this is not clear and needs to be rewritten. Keep visiting their children? Who talks this way? I did like the twist to the end of the story. The whole time I was reading it I thought it was just the start of a much longer story. The end wrapped it up very well. I think the author hit on the fact that some people do think the way these two do. Sorry to day they hurt the innocent just like in the story. I would have felt better if they got caught and this was started in a prison hospital or under police guard. I hate to see evil get away with it. Over all I think this is a cut above average writing. Other than the two things I noted I saw no real errors in grammar or spelling.
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