I really liked the story. In reviews, I mostly like to try and comment on the machinery of a story. Picking out spelling errors or grammatical flubs, unless they threaten to derail the story, kinda bores me. That said, I didn't really notice any problems with my first read of the story.
I really like the smoothness of your writing. Especially, in the beginning. You move the story along effortlessly. Great idea to use the mythology of Sirens in a horror story too. Totally untapped material. The emergence in recent year of the singing group trend really make the story contemporary too and could, if you wanted it to, lead to some pretty biting satire. After all, Sirens may have been the first girl group in musical history. lol.
Anyways, I do see some things I would like to mention. More like food for thought than criticism. Because your use of the Siren mythology intrigued me, I didn't some quick wikipedia research and found this:
In Argonautica (4.891-919) Jason had been warned by Chiron that Orpheus would be necessary in his journey. When Orpheus heard their voices, he drew out his lyre and played his music more beautifully than they, drowning out their voices.
I actually thought you might take the story in this direction since your heroine is a singer. You could have her battle the Sirens voice to voice with the use of her music from her ear buds. Might make for a compelling twist. I think your third act is fine but it does lend to a more traditional horror story feel. Using the Sirens idea is a masterstoke in my opinion and it might serve you better to use the mythology more. Again, this is must my opinion, but with the way it now, you might be able to substitute any creature for your antagonist. I do not know how you would incorporate a voice battle into your story, but I think it might be something to think about.
One other thing is that I think you should raise the stakes a bit. Instead of having her come to the rescue of two stangers she finds in a dressing room, why not make it more personal. What about a little brother and his friend or something. Raise the emotional stakes for Hailey.
Thats all I got, but please if you have any questions about this feedback, don't hesitate to ask. I think you really have something here.
I like this a lot. Kept me reading right to the end. Great imagery and pacing. I like the way you jump right into the aciton.
Although I really like the feeling of sadness that runs through the piece, I think you may be able to work it into the story more. Show it rather than tell about it in the ending paragraphs. In fact, except for the two paragraphs at the end, I would probably cut the rest of the last segment.
Hope this helps. This is still one of the better stories on the site.
The question that I must ask is why is the Nothing man in jail in the first place? Why would he allow himself to be arrested? Is he bored? Or will this be explained in later chapters?
I find the main character to be very interesting. I think the problem you may have in the future is introducing parameters by which he can and cannot use his power. Earlier on, I see him to possibly be an anti-hero of some sort. I love the showdown with the punks in convenience store.
I think the last part of this chapter (the escape) enfolded a little too quickly. It might have been interesting to see how he handles walking out of a police department. It seems a bit too easy.
This is a well written piece. I question the use of first person, but that's just a personal choice. I will gladly take a look at your next chapter. keep writing.
daver
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed - v8.1" .
The first few paragraphs were really gripping and glued me to your story. I like the way the listing of the implements accompanying the main character in the coffin immediately made me think of how someone would use them in order to escape. Like pieces of a puzzle. I particularly liked the image of glow sticks illuminating the casket.
So I was a little disappointed that the items he was buried with didn't come into play very much until the gun is mentioned again at the end. And why would the fraternity brothers put him in a impossible situation? Do they want to kill him?
Things to think about. Maybe it would be better suspense-wise if the main character was given more of a chance but still failed. Maybe offer more items to use in the casket. Or how about providing a reason for the brother to make the hazing impossible. A grudge, maybe? Sabotage?
Please don't get me wrong. Still, in it's present form, this is a tight, spooky read. I hope this helps.
In short, I liked it. It was very straightforward. Well, written. The last line of the story delivers some chill.
Here's a problem though: Natalie reached for the clothing he offered her. She felt better than she ever had in her life. Stronger, faster... and more importantly, like she belonged.
She felt like she belonged? How? Did she have a feeling that she didn't belong (i assume, to a group) before? Your tagline asks "What would you do to feel like you belong?" She actually didn't make a decision to let this happen to her. So this doesn't really fit.
Here's the question. Is your story just about a girl who gets converted into a vampire? Or is it a story about a misfit who through violent means discovers security and empowerment within a group of vampires. I feel like option number 2 is what you are going after, but you stopped short of making the case.
If you are interested, I have a vampire tale of my own in my port, called The Way of the Blood. Feel free to send me some feedback.
Good luck
daver
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