## How to read my review:
Any line that begins with a # is my own comment.
Any line that begins with ## is a start of a large section of my comments and I'll end it with another ##
Any line that does not have a # is a direct Copy and Paste from your story
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Cheating death was not an easy feat, even for the evilest of witches. It didn't matter that her warty old body would turn to dust, but the evil that consumed it demanded that she find another vessel for it to live in.
# Why doesn't it matter that her body would turn to dust?
She was young and spiteful when the evil entered her body, and she soon learned it liked to be called Master.
# I'd probably replace "soon" with "had quickly". This is referencing back when she was young (right?).
Master had been demanding that she start looking for a young recipient for him to possess.
# You'd just stated this a few sentences ago, sounds repetitive. I'd add something new here if you want to keep it (something like "not only does Master want a new body but a young one at that").
It didn't matter that she would die when He left her body because Master didn't care. Today was the day He demanded that she start looking.
# From a flow perspective, these two sentences read... ermm... choppy? Honestly, I think the front half of this paragraph could probably be restructured.
The thought of harmony made her stomach feel queasy, so she thought of disharmony and it made her feel better.
# Assuming disharmony is exactly that, and not a name of something, I'd recommend replacing "disharmony" with an example of disharmony.
A good flying broom was worth a lot in the world of witches, but Dustbottom was older then her and his brush bristles were breaking and falling out.
# "then" ==> "than"
A good flying broom was worth a lot in the world of witches, but Dustbottom was older then her and his brush bristles were breaking and falling out. 'What an embarrassment', she thought.
# I'd create a new paragraph just before her dialog. You do this throughout the story. Most authors start dialog with a new paragraph unless there said paragraph was related to the dialog. Crack open any book and you'll see what I mean. The structure to it makes the read easier on the eyes.
"Hag, shut up and get to looking for what we need." Master said.
# Unless this is how Master talks (hey, I won't judge if he does), I'd replace "get to looking" with something more direct as it's a round about way of talking.
"Hag, shut up and get to looking for what we need." Master said.
After hours of trudging through the forest she stopped and a smile spread across her wrinkled face exposing her one and only front tooth.
# Just a suggestion but I'd put a transition between the dialog and the next sentence. It's very abrupt. Maybe something like "Begrudgingly she obeyed. <new paragraph> After hours..."
The ache in her body seemed to disappear as Master forced her in the direction of this new, untouched evil.
# Seemed is a passive word, and if I was in the character's shoes I probably wouldn't have the wherewithal to think it "seemed" to. I'd be more direct. Completely remove "seemed to" and make it "disappeared". Also, is it just one ache, or should it be aches? Lastly, are you just trying to be poetic with the word "untouched"? At least to me, evil can't be described as untouched.
She reached the edge of the Black Forest, her forest, and hide behind a thicket of briars.
# "hide" ==> "hid"
The three sensitive hairs in the wart on her cheek, twitched warning her of danger close by.
# Move the comma over just past "twitched".
Kneeling and peeking through a small opening in the thicket, she saw a very pregnant lady with gossamer wings.
# Call me picky but I never liked the word "very". It's a writers cop-out... not that I don't do it myself.
"How can't this be?
# "can't" ==> "can"
These are good fairies.
# If there isn't such a thing as bad fairies (at least, that's what He is implying), I'd remove "good" and just leave it at fairies.
Hagadorn watch the fairy turn to welcome someone to her side and realized it was Queen Dorthia's husband, King Daniel, who stepped to her side. "How could the Queen of Fairies be evil?
# So the prego woman is the Queen, and Hagadorn only recognized her because of her husband? That doesn't seem likely. I'd either call the Queen out sooner or make her partially hidden, unveiling her identity with her husband.
This fairy always made me sick because she oozed with so much goodness
# I'd replace "This fairy" with "She"
"My beautiful wife, what are you doing so close to the Black Forest? You shouldn't be here in your condition. It's not good for our babies," King Daniel warned as he gently hugged Queen Dorthia.
# Call me crazy but "My beautiful wife" is an odd start to the conversation. Then again, maybe it's because I'm a guy and not a fairy king (pun intended). I'd start with "What are you doing so close..." and replace "Queen Dorthia" with "his wife".
"I mustn't give up on trying to push the evil, inch by inch, from the Black Forest.
# I would... "mustn't" ==> "can't" and remove "inch by inch".
I hope that someday it will come back to life. But today when I gain an inch the evil takes it back. That's unusual! Watch!"
# I don't know why but I'd prefer to see "one day" instead of "someday". Also, I'd replace the period with a comma. As for the whole setence... why is it unusual? You imply that the Black Forst has been around for a while (with the someday comment). Is it because of how immediate it is? If so, I'd state this. Lastly, I'd replace "That's" ==> "It's"
Black limbs turned green and leaves sprang onto the limbs while red roses bloomed, taking their place among the thorns, and sending a sweet aroma through the air.
# leaves don't spring "onto" the limbs, they spring from it. Also I'd replace "through" ==> "into"
Then the leaves and blooms died, turning to black ash and drifting to the ground. The limbs of the briar thicket became black and lifeless again.
# Now's a good time to be a little dramatic. I wouldn't start with "Then", it's to quick to the punch.
King Daniel gently led his wife away from the Black Forest and Hagadorn watched the couple until they disappeared from sight.
# "gently" ==> "carefully" (how does one gently lead someone? I'm assuming he is doing the leading carefully due to rocks/roots? I can attest with first hand experience a pregnant wife doesn't need to be coddled to walk on pavement)
Hagadorn turned and headed back through the forest toward home.
# "through the forest toward home." ==> "into the forest, towards home."
Climbing, wearily to her feet with a moan she panted, "Yes, Master. I'm hurrying!"
# "Climbing, wearily" ==> "Climbing wearily" | "moan she panted," ==> "groan, she panted,"
## Plot/Chapter Thoughts:
Errors aside, I liked it. There's a lot you could go with the story. Royalty that's (soon to be) possessed by Evil (does this impact the kingdom on a greater scale?), and maybe even a nature vs. nurture type of debate here. You've got a dying Forest, that could play into a greater plot. And if Hag somehow survives once Evil leaves, you've got an external factor to your story, someone who has history with Evil. Then there's Evil itself. What perks come with having it in you? How much control does Evil have over you? Do you still have a choice? Can Evil live in only one host, and if so is Evil a standalone copy or is it's consciousness spanned across multiple hosts? Any way to get Evil out (by yourself or with help)? If Evil did somehow get pushed out, would you feel any different? Regret any of your choices? A lot of questions still remain, but enough has been hinted to get the reader hooked for at least one more chapter. Let me know if you make any of the modifications I suggested and revisit your story.
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## How I rate (half stars are in between):
5 Starts - I'm at the edge of my seat yearning for the next paragraph/page/chapter. I've forgotten that I'm suppose to be reviewing. Nails all 5 things I look for: Authors writing style, great flow, no spelling/grammatical errors, characters are relatable and have great chemistry/dynamics, and the plot has me hooked like a crazy stalker. Bottom line: Take My Money!
4 Stars - It's good. Has the potential to be a 5 stars with only a few modifications (2-3).
3 Stars - Needs some work in more than 3 areas but you got me hooked with either the plot or the characters.
1-2 Stars - I wouldn't ever waste my time in writing the review, so you won't ever see them |o.O|
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